August is the time to remain hopeful about what is on the horizon for you. With the Sun officially in Leo and the light shining on what makes you truly happy, August is about connecting to your inner power. You have the power to co-create your reality, and this is the month to claim that. Ground yourself in the present moment with gratitude, and get excited about what you are creating for yourself and the path you are walking on right now. With Mercury entering Virgo as the month begins on August 4 through August 25, the clarity is there to make some significant improvements, and insights, and to find order in what’s felt out of place.
Venus enters Leo and there is a Full Moon in Aquarius on the same day, August 11. With these two signs opposing each other on the zodiac wheel, balance comes into play right now and La Luna is reminding you how to balance the heart, with the mind. Leo wants to feel love, and Aquarius seeks to understand it. Venus in Leo is about taking center stage in your life and showing up for love. Venus will be in Leo until September 5, and love gets an extra spice right now. The Full Moon in Aquarius is the Full Sturgeon Moon of the year, and it’s about finding your flow rather than force. During this Full Moon focus on what you wish to release, and what you want to grow closer to and make more connections from.
Mars makes a significant transit in August, as it enters Gemini for a lengthy seven months. Every few years Mars goes retrograde, making its transit in one particular sign significantly longer than its usual few-month transit. Mars will be moving into Gemini on August 20, 2022, until March 25, 2023, and will be retrograded from October 30, 2022, until January 12, 2023. Mars in Gemini is active, unpredictable, and insightful. Mars in Gemini is curious about everything, and it’s best to think things through before jumping in right away during this time. Mars in Gemini energy can get impulsive, but with the right flow and intentions, this can be a time of great progress, development, connection, and communication.
On August 22, Virgo Season begins, and the Sun moves into the earthy goddess of the zodiac. While the Sun is in Virgo we renew, improve, and give because we can. There is unwavering strength about Virgo that takes us far and makes health, well-being, and self-value the priority. Uranus goes retrograde in Taurus on August 24, and it’s about expecting the unexpected, and grounding yourself in the faith that you can handle whatever life may throw at you. There is a New Moon in Virgo on August 27 before the month ends, and this is when those moments of hope and clarity will be coming through, and when following your inner guidance system is rewarded.
August is the month to trust, take note of your progress, and do the things that are making you happy now, but also in the long run.
Aries Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleAugust is a month of clarity for you, Aries. You are seeing the vision clearly, and paths are opening up for you to move into these new opportunities you see on the horizon. The spark has been lit, and you have the universe supporting you every step of the way. With Venus moving through your 5th house of romance and happiness for most of August, you are connecting with the things that bring you the most joy in life. August is all about making your happiness the priority and allowing all else to align with this sense of magic.
The Full Moon on August 11 is in your 11th house of friendships, community, and hopes and dreams in life and this is a good time for seeing your manifestations bloom. Intentions you have been setting over the past month will be coming full circle during this time. Before the month ends your ruling planet Mars moves into your 3rd house of communication for the next seven months, and you are driven by connection, self-expression, and inspiration.
Taurus Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a month of new opportunities for you, Taurus. You are bringing forth new intentions and creations in your life, and seeing the reality of things coming together for you. With the Full Moon on August 11 occurring in your 5th house of romance, you are seeing new opportunities develop in love this month, and are also getting clearer on what your heart wants. This is a month of rebirth, and intentions coming to fruition.
Moving into August, Uranus goes retrograde in your sign, shaking things up a bit. With Uranus moving retrograde in your 1st house of self for the rest of 2022, you are being guided towards self-reflection, and discovering the way you see the world around you. It’s all about being the leader of your destiny right now and choosing the way you want things to go for you. You have the power, Taurus.
Gemini Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleConnect with the heart space this month, Gemini. August is a time of emotional renewal for you, and removing any clutter you have been feeling in your life. This is the month to get honest about how you have been feeling and to choose love. As you take the time for your healing and health this month, you develop a solid foundation for your dreams to grow. With a Full Moon in Aquarius mid-month August is a time of making new discoveries, gaining clarity, and defining the path forward that you are looking to see through right now.
Mars makes a very important transit into your sign this month on August 20 and will be in Gemini until early 2023. If there was any time to take action, honor your passions, and renew your spirit, it is now. By the end of the month, there is a New Moon occurring in your 4th house and this New Moon is a time of seeing new opportunities sprout in the home, family, and within your foundations and support systems in life.
Cancer Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is a strong month for communication, Cancer. The focus is there for you to make real progress and experience the breakthroughs that you have been looking for, and it’s all about tapping into the guidance within. As you communicate freely from the heart, you align with divine receptivity, allowing miracles to unfold in your life. With Venus in your sign until August 11, you are entering August with love on your side, and an open heart.
As you move more into the month, there is a Full Moon in your house of commitments, and a New Moon in your house of communication before the month ends. August is all about finding the balance between the emotional ties and past experiences that you are letting go of right now and moving forward with your clear intentions today. This is a month to regroup and use your voice, Cancer.
Leo Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
Leo
Kyra Jay for xoNecoleYour season is here, and you do well in the spotlight, Leo. August is about rewriting your story and seeing yourself as the divine co-creator of your reality. Notice where in your life you have been giving over your power, and make the effort to call back your power this month. Focus on perspectives that make you feel confident and nourished, and release any feelings of lack that keep you stuck in place. This is the month to stand in your courage and live your truths.
Venus, the planet of love, moves into your sign from August 11 until September 5, and you are entering one of the best times of the year for love. Remain hopeful when it comes to your intentions here, and focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t. The Sun moves out of your sign and into Virgo on August 22, giving you some breathing room to take in what you have learned over the past month and release anything keeping you away from peace.
Virgo Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleAugust is a time of honoring the cycles of your life and preparing for a transformation. This isn’t the month to look back and ponder on the past, it’s a time to move forward now, Virgo. You are ready to dive into some new experiences, and in August you are clearing the way, making space, and creating new plans so that you can move forward more effortlessly and with fewer roadblocks. You are being guided this month to have some more fun with the journey that you are on and to make time to just dance, be, and live your dreams.
Virgo Season begins on August 22, and it’s your time to shine and experience the blessings of a new day, Virgo. Virgo Season this year is all about remaining patient, but also about owning your value and how far you have come, knowing that it’s only going to get better for you. The New Moon of the month is occurring in Virgo on August 27 as well, and you are leaving August feeling renewed, supported, and in tune with all that is.
Libra Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleYou are building your world, Libra. August is about taking as much time as you need for your peace and your growth, and about protecting your energy. Remember that your inner guidance system is always available to you, and many of the answers you have been seeking without can be found within right now. By releasing what hasn’t been working for you, you can strengthen the bonds and experiences that have, creating more solid foundations for your intentions to manifest.
The Full Moon in your fellow air sign happening mid-month is bringing the focus to your heart, and you are ready to let go of relationships that have gone past their expiration date. With Mars moving into your 9th house for the next six months, you are entering a wild adventure this month, and this is an adventure that’s going to take you to new places and introduce you to new faces. You are free, Libra.
Scorpio Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleScorpio, you are entering the garden of your dreams this month. August is your time of connecting to what paradise, happiness, and fulfillment feel like for you, and making this the dominant energy in your life. You have been working on letting go and allowing in more love, and your transformations are evident. Keep creating from the heart and broadening your perspective, and on the New Moon on August 27, make sure to write down your intentions and focus on what you wish to manifest at this time.
Venus will be moving through your 10th house of career for most of August, signaling a time of feeling the love, connection, and possibly some weak spots on the work front. Public life and reputation are being highlighted this month, but overall with Venus in the mix here, you are being received especially favorably right now. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of great things, Scorpio.
Sagittarius Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAugust is a fun month for you, Sagittarius, and this is the month to have some fun! Plans are following through, friends are connecting, and you are feeling a good social buzz in your life in August. You are making some new discoveries and honoring what is lighting you up inside, and it’s attracting happy experiences and opportunities into your life. The Full Moon on August 11 is when you are going to be seeing a journey complete, and new clarity on where you are headed unfold.
Mars makes an important transit into your 7th house of love and relationships this month, where it will remain until 2023. You are entering a seven-month-long journey of love, and things are going to be emotionally heightened for you for the time being. New connections are entering your life and you are deciding what paths you want to embark on, and who you want to take with you. August is your time to play, unite, and celebrate your life.
Capricorn Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleSupport is coming in for you this month, Capricorn. August is about divine intervention and allowing the universe to support your dreams. Sometimes you have to get out of your own way and out of your head, to see the real miracles and gifts that are right in front of you. This month you are getting those moments of clarity and you are receiving the messages. Divine guidance is here to support you right now, and your angels are with you, Capricorn.
The New Moon this month is occurring in an earth sign such as yourself, and you are flowing well with the energies that are flowing through the world as the month ends. You are moving into new territory at the end of August and creating some travel plans and future journeys that you feel inspired to take right now. Remember that the more you release, the more you allow; and the more you trust, the less you have time to doubt. You are safe.
Aquarius Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAugust is a healing month for you, and you are finding your balance right now, Aquarius. There has been loss and there has been gain, and you are finding your balance between this sense of transformation you are experiencing at this time. Remember to give yourself a break from overthinking this month, to look at things from the perspective that they happened for a reason, and not punish yourself for not seeing something clearly sooner. You are everywhere you are supposed to be, and nowhere you are not, Aquarius.
The Full Moon this month is occurring in your sign on August 11, and you are seeing some powerful culminations appear in your life in mid-August. You are being ushered into light and away from any density you have been feeling in your life, and sometimes this means letting go of something you once thought was supportive of your journey. Give yourself the space and freedom to trust your path, and not judge yourself in this process. All is well.
Pisces Monthly Horoscope for August 2022
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleYou are moving forward fearlessly this month, Pisces. August is a month of aligning with your strength and taking intentional action toward your goals. Ask yourself this month, “What would I do if I knew I was supported?” Then allow yourself the freedom to do just that, aligning with the love and empowerment of your heart. You are breaking new ground this month and overcoming previous challenges and obstacles, Pisces.
Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family where it will remain from August 2022 to March 2023, and you are putting the extra effort into your safe spaces and close loved ones during this time. You are entering a new journey where there is more energy and activity in the home, and your passion is flowing towards what feels safe and secure to you. With a New Moon in your opposite sign of Virgo before the month ends on August 27, the people who nurture and support your heart are coming in to make it known to you in August.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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