Here’s Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships
Here's my true confession for the week. It's only been within the past 12 months or so that I can honestly say that, when it comes to at least 95 percent of my relationships (be it personal or professional), my needs are being met. Whew, girl! I can't tell you how good it feels to say that.
If you've read even a couple of my articles on here (especially the relationship ones), I'm pretty sure that I'm being redundant when I say that I spend A LOT of time in self-introspection. When it comes to this particular topic, I think the combination of coming from a broken home (two times over), being abused (sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally—not every day but enough to break my spirit) and choosing some of the wackest friends, boyfriends and sex partners as a direct result, all played a part in me not getting my needs met.
Because I wasn't really taught how to value myself, I didn't.
And because I always wanted someone to value me in order to fill the void, I found myself in a constant state of immense codependency. You know—out here doing most of the work just so that I wouldn't feel alone. I find it to be no coincidence that the moment I said to myself, "Wait a minute. This is crazy. Let me tend to 'Little Shellie' so that Big Shellie can get out relationships what she truly deserves," that things took a turn for the better. The much better.
I don't settle for work situations that want me to compromise my platform, my standards and, to a large degree, even my expectations. And on the personal tip, although I strive for peace with everyone, I don't try and keep people around who, through their actions (or lack thereof), don't act like they want to be there; a clear sign of when that's the case is when someone knows what you need—not necessarily want but need—and refuse to do anything about it.
Did you just read all of that and suddenly feel the urge to scream "yes!" from your desk, couch or bed? If you can relate to where I'm coming from, but you have a hard time figuring out why you're constantly in a state of being deprived in your own relationships, here are five points that helped me to get to the root of why it was happening to me so much. I pray it sets you free, sis.
You’re Not Really Sure What Your Needs Are
If you're a parent, an aunt or even if you've simply babysat before, you know what it's like dealing with a toddler who doesn't know what they want. They're crying, maybe even throwing an all-out temper tantrum, but when you keep asking them what they want, they don't have an answer; plus, they are mad at you for not figuring it out for them.
A lot of grown people are just like this. They think that because someone loves (or even deeply likes) them that they should be going above and beyond to get to the root of what their needs are; that reading their mind is evidence that they truly care.
Toddlers get a pass because they are still trying to figure out what a need is, let alone how to express it. Adults? Not so much. No one should be expected to read your mind. Bigger than that, no one should be expected to know what your needs are when you can't even figure them out.
If your needs are never met, maybe because you are the first one who doesn't have a clue what they are. Hmm.
Once You Figure Them Out, You Don’t VERBALIZE Them
I'm a woman and even I get worn out by some of the women in my life who prefer to drop hints rather than be direct. I'm supposed to guess what they want to do for their birthday or I'm supposed to be so in tune with them that I know when they want to hang out and when they need their space.
Having these kinds of unrealistic expectations are not only unrealistic, they are also unfair and bring unnecessary pressure to the relationship dynamic. People who truly care about you and want to be a part of your life want to know what your needs are. If you truly care about your connection with them, state your needs. Don't hold people accountable for what you never put on record in the first place.
You Automatically Think Others Should Do for You What You Are Doing for Them
It's an esurance commercial where one senior woman is posting pics on her wall, thinking that's how FB functions. When she tells her two friends about it, one of them irritates her and she responds by telling her that she just "unfriended" her by removing her photograph. Her friend then replies by saying, "That's not how it works. That's not how any of this works."
When it comes to trying to get your needs met and attempting to do it by incorporating the Golden Rule—you know, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"—I think that old lady's response applies. Translation—just because you may go above and beyond to meet the needs of others, that doesn't automatically mean they will do the same for you (you'll have to trust God and karma to give back, but not necessarily a particular individual).
One way you can know if this is a pattern (that is more like a rut) for you is to think about how you feel immediately following and then a few days after you do something for someone. If there is a part of you that is resentful because you don't think they responded in the way you would have 1) check your motives for what you did in the first place and 2) accept that this particular point probably hits really close to home.
Getting what you need doesn't always come as the result of giving others what you need. The Golden Rule is a reminder to treat people like you want to be treated. However, it is not a guarantee that they will or that they'll respond/react exactly the way (or in the time) that you do/would. Always remember that.
You Overcompensate in Virtually All of Your Relationships
One of my once-upon-a-time-closest relationships, after we had a pretty big disagreement and worked things out, one of the things I said to them was, "I'm going to quit doing 80 percent of the work in this. So, we'll be whatever we're going to be if I'm not doing most of the work." I haven't heard from them since. It was a great relational experiment—and lesson.
I'm a big giver. It's one of my spiritual gifts (if you've never taken a spiritual gifts test before, they are actually pretty cool; you can take one here). But it took me a LONG time to learn the difference between giving as a form of ministry (serving others) and giving in a relationship where there should be some type of reciprocity.
A lot of us are not getting our needs met because we are doing far too much of the work. We're sending the message that all someone has to do is the bare minimum and we'll be absolutely fine with that. If you're not—and you shouldn't be—here's where my final point comes in.
There Are No “Consequences” for Them Not Being Met
When it comes to disciplining children, I once read that while punishment is typically an emotional reaction on the parent's part, consequences are designed to correct and improve a child's behavior. In a nutshell, punishments can sometimes be nothing more than painful while consequences are the direct result of cause and effect.
If we were to apply this to grown folks dealing with one another, I think the article "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead" applies. Back when I was just out here punishing people for hurting me (or even just disappointing me), it only caused more harm. Now, when I have a need and it continually doesn't get met, I simply release that individual. It's cause and effect—if you don't see the value of my needs, then you must not need me around.
If someone truly wants you in their life, they'll learn from their consequences.
If nothing changes, well, maybe you didn't need them quite as much as you thought you did. Hmph.
Featured image by Getty Images
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On Choosing Relationship Health Over #RelationshipGoals
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert