I’ve been hurt before.
I’ve been hurt several times.
I’ve experienced heartache in a way I wouldn’t recommend for my worst enemy.
It was the origin of all feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, and hatred.
I allowed heartache to be a heavy influence in the decisions I made. Most of which carried greater consequences, but at the time, I did not show any concern.
After the last break up with my child’s father, the time where I said “this was it” and actually followed through with it, I found myself making very careless decisions: engaging in relations with other men I never really took interest in, picked up a habit of smoking and drinking (more), and always looking for a babysitter to go out. Many would describe this as just living the college lifestyle, but for those who truly knew me, that was way outside of my character. I would blame my behavior on our broken relationship. He did this to me, therefore, this is why I am acting this way.
Little did I know how much power I was relinquishing from my own hands by succumbing to irrational emotions. I allowed the baggage from my former relationship to dictate my thoughts, actions, and behaviors from then on out.
I was avoiding accountability of my own flaws and wrongdoings.
I wanted to heal and recover so bad, but was going about it completely the wrong way. I was voluntarily ripping open my wound over and over again. With time, I did begin to heal and forgive, but I do know I am not all the way there yet.
I grew defensive VERY easy. The time it took to gain back self-respect, self-love, self-value, I’ve actually developed a very hard exterior that I don’t like peeling back. It is my protection, my covering. I developed a mindset to never let a man say certain things to me anymore or do certain things to me anymore. If I ever did have and interest in a guy and he did something as small as a mustard seed to offend me, I used that as my cue to drop him like we never met.
That was my repetition. No feelings. Things worked out better for me that way, I thought.
Until May of 2014, I entered into a relationship, and a serious one at that. I had already been friends with him for some years as we both went to the same university. This is my first relationship since my child’s father (even though I dated regularly but nothing official) so everything is completely new to me.
When I say everything he said and did was cause for me to jump to the defense, I mean EVERYTHING. It didn’t matter what it was, but I always found a reason to feel attacked by him. The first eight months of our relationship I always drove him to say,
“I DIDN’T DO THIS TO YOU!”
I was unfairly putting him in a position to mend a heart he had no parts in breaking.
It’s been a little over a year and a half in this relationship and I am beyond grateful for him, grateful for his love for my child, and grateful that he is willing to put up with my baggage. He is so patient with me. The crazy thing is if roles were reversed, I would’ve called it quits a long time ago.
Here are a few things I’ve learned about letting go of my emotional baggage in the time we’ve been together.
Look at the person and NOT the act
In the times I feel offended by something he has said or done, I have to keep him in mind as a person. Do I trust his intentions? Yes. Do I think he would ever set out to hurt me? No. If he did offend me, do I think it was on purpose? No. I make it a constant effort now to remind myself of this, and I’m doing A LOT better (well, you’ll have to ask him).
Remember the foundation of friendship
He is a very giving, selfless, and loyal individual. When we were just friends and I wasn’t checking for him (all of undergrad), he was always a good friend to others and me. Whether it was taking me to lunch, putting together furniture in my apartment, helping me move, or listening to my goals and aspirations! I can truly call him my homie, lover, and friend.
Learn to love past the flaws
If people just up and decided to leave us where we lay based on our flaws and shortcomings, all of us would be lonely individuals. He shows me my value as a person and that I was greater than my wrongs.
[Tweet "“I’d rather go through all of this with you than with anyone else.”"]
I don’t have it all together, but I do believe I have a healthier mindset and spirit because of him. I can honestly say I’ve loosened my grip on a lot of bags that Mama Erykah was speaking to me about years ago in her song 'Bag Lady':
Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold onto, is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gon' get in your way
My partner has even taken some bags from my hands and tossed them to their rightful place.
Peeling off this hard exterior is not easy, but because I know I am genuinely loved and cared for, it makes it a little bit easier. Those bags aren’t worth passing up opportunities for healing, redemption, and newness. And they definitely aren’t worth losing his friendship.
Do you have baggage that almost ruined a good relationship?
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
One option that has been around since, shoot, forever (although technically, it became defined in the early 1930s) is the rhythm method. And although I’m not sure if any other form of birth control creates a more polarizing response than it does because it has been around for as long as it has, I do think it’s worth discussing what it is, along with its benefits and challenges, just so you can make a truly educated decision regarding if it’s the best route for you and your partner to take in this particular season of your family planning journey.
Are you ready to look past the myths about the rhythm method and get into some actual facts?
What Is the Rhythm Method?
GiphyAnother term for the rhythm method is natural family planning; that makes a lot of sense when you take in the fact that the rhythm method is a completely chemical-free approach to avoiding pregnancy. What I mean by that is, instead of relying on things like hormone-filled birth control to manipulate your menstrual cycle, the rhythm method is all about keeping up with the natural (pardon the pun) flow or rhythm of your period, including your ovulation time, in order to avoid conceiving — until/unless you are ready.
How Effective Is the Rhythm Method?
GiphyOkay, so before diving even deeper into why you may (or may not) want to consider using the rhythm method as your own personal birth control option, let’s discuss how effective it actually is. For the most part, depending on what source you reference, most medical-related data is going to say that the rhythm method has a success rate of somewhere around 75 percent or a failure rate of between 8-25 percent.
How does that line up with other types of birth control? Well, condoms, when used correctly and consistently, have a success rate of about 98 percent, while the pill, when taken daily and around the same time, has a 99 percent success rate (which is why many people end up getting the side-eye when they are pregnant while claiming that it happened while using birth control).
Some other pretty reliable forms of birth control include IUDs, patches, “the shot,” vaginal rings, and diaphragms although, since some of them also contain hormones and hormones tend to come with side effects (like spotting, nausea, headaches, mood swings, a drop in your libido and weight gain), when a woman doesn’t want to go the permanent route (like cutting or burning her fallopian tubes), that is what ends up making the rhythm method so appealing.
And just what are some of the other proven benefits of the rhythm method?
What Are the Pros of the Rhythm Method?
GiphyWhen it comes to some of the reasons why the rhythm method is actually a good look:
- It’s cost-effective
- No hormone treatments are involved
- Birth control-related side effects are not an issue
- It’s a great way to learn about your body via your menstrual cycle
- There’s no “downtime” when it comes to getting your system off of hormones from birth control
Yeah, definitely, if you’re someone who doesn’t want to take anything that will alter your body’s hormones and/or you don’t want to wait for the hormones to leave your system in order to get pregnant at some point, the rhythm method is worth considering.
That’s not to say that it doesn’t come with its own set of challenges, though.
What Are the Cons of the Rhythm Method?
GiphyAs with most things in life, just like there are benefits that come with going with the rhythm method, there are some potential setbacks, too:
- Again, its effectiveness isn’t as high as other birth control methods
- Spontaneous sex can be a bit of a challenge
- If your cycle is not consistent, the rhythm method can be somewhat unpredictable
- There may be a learning curve (and you could get pregnant in it)
- For obvious reasons, most of the work/effort falls on the woman
When it comes to some of my (doula) clients, the two things that I hear the most as to why they can find the rhythm method to be a bit, let’s go with “taxing,” is because 1) there is a lot of planning that is involved and 2) when you don’t have everything down to a science, you usually have to end up using a condom anyway. And that brings me to something else that you strongly need to factor in when it comes to using the rhythm method: tracking your ovulation.
The Main Hack to Rhythm Method: Tracking Your Ovulation
GiphyAlthough reportedly two-thirds of women use some form of birth control, the rhythm method is very low on the list of options. Personally, I think it’s because so much prepping and planning are involved if you want to avoid pregnancy at all costs. I mean, not only do you need to track when you’re ovulating, but you’ve got to remember that sperm can live inside of you for up to five days, which means that not only is your actual ovulation day the time when you can get pregnant, so are a few days before and around 24 hours after.
This alone can get a bit dicey if your period isn’t regulated, and if that is indeed the case, you have to be even more hypervigilant about taking an ovulation test (on a monthly basis), checking your basal body temperature (which needs to be done every morning; if it’s slightly elevated, there’s a good chance that you are ovulating) as well as your cervical fluid (it tends to have the consistency of egg whites during ovulation).
If you want to get pregnant, all of this helps you to know when to have sex. Oh, but there’s another side to this coin: If you don’t want to conceive, this is the time when either you have to go without copulation (or engage in say, oral sex) or use another birth control method — and who wants to basically be abstinent for a week or have “college sex” for that long? Every…single…month? Yep — like I said, the rhythm method is a lot of work; it’s basically like a real live at-home science project that you conduct on a monthly basis.
Oh, and if you’re someone who is thinking, “No problem. We’ll just pull out during that time” — well, just keep in mind that the pull-out method is somewhere around 80 percent effective, which comes down to somewhere around one in every five people getting pregnant from using/doing it. Plus, I don’t know why so many people want to ignore the fact that pre-ejaculate/pre-cum contains sperm, and guys don’t always know when that is going to spill out, so pulling out before climaxing may not be a surefire bet that you still won’t end up with a plus sign on a pregnancy test at some point. #justsaying
____
So, what am I saying — that when it comes up to the thumbs up/thumb down game, the rhythm method gets the thumbs down in my book? Nah, that’s not my overall point. What I will say is that this form of birth control requires a ton of personal accountability, that sacrifices will have to be made, and there isn’t a lot of room for error. Oh, and since again, it’s a form of birth control, and if you do happen to get pregnant before you’re ready, whatever decision you make is going to alter your life for the rest of your life…just make sure that you approach this option while being sober-minded and with a partner who will take it as seriously as you do.
And one more thing: also remember that it’s a lot of work for something that has around a 75 percent chance of working in your favor (if you don’t want to get pregnant). Now, if you’re all for taking those odds, have at it. Otherwise, set up an appointment with your doctor ASAP. Technology is ever-changing. They might be able to find something that is more suitable to your expectations, your schedule…and your sex life. Something that is less work, may have fewer side effects (than other popular methods of birth control), and is even more reliable. #againjustsaying
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Featured image by Mindful Media/Getty Images