I’ve got a friend who hasn’t taken a lunch break pretty much since the pandemic (well, lockdown; technically, we’re still in a pandemic, y’all). I think that’s crazy — and I’ve told her that much. As someone who has worked from home, literally, since 2000, I get how you can get caught up in your work (especially if you really enjoy what you do); however, she works in an office setting and, as far as being thrilled to do what she does? It really depends on the day that you ask.
That said, sadly, whenever I nudge her to take her lunch break in order to literally get a break, she simply says that she has too much to do to leave her desk and grab something to eat. Umm, you feel this way every damn day for multiple years at a time? In my opinion, something is off — way off, especially since she typically stays beyond the time that she is off of the clock and then turns right around and works on the weekends, too (even though it’s not actually required of her). To me, this is the classic sign of someone who is a workaholic.
Unfortunately, she’s not even close to being alone. In fact, I actually once read that around 30 percent of people fall into the workaholic category — and while many of them think that it’s simply an indication that they are passionate about what they do, it’s actually a red flag that something is definitely awry. It could be rooted in low self-esteem and the desire to prove that they are good enough. It could be the other extreme and be about narcissism and the craving for constant praise and appearing to be better than everyone else. It could be because their upbringing has “programmed” them to believe that overworking is a sign of being a good worker. It could be that they use work as a way to avoid issues and/or "cope" with stress.
As I was doing more reading up on workaholism, I thought about how I used to be, what I would call a “relational workaholic.” And you know what? A lot of the reasons are very similar to why people go overboard on their jobs. Interestingly enough, the signs of being a workaholic in the relationship realm — romantic, familiar, and platonic — are very similar too.
I’ve shared many times that one of my favorite quotes of all time is, “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” Aristotle said it. It means that anything done in the extreme will eventually become problematic because life is all about balance. That said, now that I’ve introduced this concept, you’ve always wondered if you could possibly be a relational workaholic; I’m going to compare it to some signs of being a traditional workaholic.
After reading this all the way through, do some journaling, and then hop into the comments and tell me what your ultimate conclusion is. Because if you are a workaholic — any kind of workaholic — take this as your sign that something has to give.
You Try to Be Perfect in Your Relationships
GiphyIf you are in a semi-serious relationship and either you find yourself walking on eggshells or you are hiding some significant things about yourself in order to appear…less human than you actually are, please hear me when I tell you that you are doing yourself, your relationship and the person you are seeing a gigantic disservice. Just like a telling sign that you’re a workaholic on your job is that you are a perfectionist, a big indication that you are a relational workaholic is if you try and hide your flaws or issues with those around you too.
And here’s the thing: not only is perfectionism totally unrealistic, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting and, at the end of the day, it’s not very rewarding.
Plus, on the relational tip, it can really affect your ability to trust the people you are dealing with because there will always be a part of you that is wondering if they would stick around if they really knew what you were all about. Always remember that in order for individuals to complement your life, they’ve got to know who they are complementing — and that can’t happen unless you are being a genuine person. Perfectionism robs you of that.
You’re Stressed Out
GiphyEven though I just touched on this, let’s go a bit deeper. Although both jobs and relationships have moments that may be stressful, if either one of these things is constantly bringing you anxiety, if it’s always got you worrying about something you said or did, if it’s bringing tension or strain into other parts of your world — if at the end of the day, it feels like a burden, guess what? You are in something that is unhealthy for you, and no amount of money from a job or attention (or time) via a relationship is worth it.
For one thing, stress can bethe cause of health-related issues like obesity, heart disease, irregular periods, cancer,diabetes, and depression. Also, being stressed hinders your performance, pretty much across the board. Meaning, if you’re stressed out at work, you won’t be very productive, and if you’re stressed out in your relationships, it will just bring more pressure, drama, and potential trauma to everyone involved (one way or another).
You know, it’s been reported that around34 percent of folks are in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed all of the time. Oftentimes it’s the result of either doing too much or not prioritizing things well. This can happen at work, and it can happen in your relationships, too. Bottom line with this one is, nothing should be stressful all of the time. If that’s what you’ve currently got going on, you already know what I’m about to say.
You (Always) Prioritize Them over Everything Else
GiphyYour job is what you do; it shouldn’t be all of what you are. And you know what? Your relationships shouldn’t be all-consuming, either. For the record, I don’t care what kind of relationship it is — (gasp!) even your spouse or your children. And listen, if what I just said triggered you in some way, you’re the person who needs to read this part of the article, especially because it is never a good idea to be so involved in something or someone that other things are constantly falling by the wayside, especially yourself.
On the work tip, folks like this oftentimes find themselves in positions where their manager or supervisor totally takes them for granted (even if it isn’t intentional). Relationally, your spouse can either take you for granted (sometimes without even noticing) or they can end up feeling suffocated while your kids can either become stagnated (due to you doing everything for them) or entitled (because they expect you to do everything for them).
Back in my hella codependency days, I was good for prioritizing a lot of folks over myself. The way that it would manifest in my world is I would take care of other people’s needs ahead of my own. Sometimes, it would be so extreme that I’d find myself covering other people’s bills before paying the ones that I had. All it did was result in me ending up with more problems and becoming resentful towards them that I did something that, oftentimes, they never asked me to do in the first place (yeah, codependency, by far, offers more liabilities than assets).
Anyway, by definition, a priority is something that has the right to take precedence over other things; it’s something that deserves special attention. And while many things can — and should — be a priority in your life, sometimes those priorities need to shift around (a bit), especially if you are the one who is being left out as far as your list is concerned.
You Do More than What Is Required
GiphyLISTEN. HERE. I don’t know about you, but I have had experiences with individuals where, after literally doing the absolute most for them, when I brought up that I wasn’t being appreciated, their response would be something along the lines of, “I never asked you to do all of that in the first place.” Ouch. And although it can be really easy to play the victim card out in times like these, I’m recommending, from very up close and personal experience, that you really ponder what they said — because sometimes, both at work and in relationships, we really do go overboard.
Sometimes it’s because of our enthusiasm about the job or connection we have with another person; however, other times it’s because, deep down, there’s a part of us that thinks that if we don’t do more than is actually required, they may not see the use for us or want us around as much.
As far as relationships are concerned, my main point here is if someone truly likes you for you and values what you bring to the table, you won’t have to bend over backward or damn near go broke just to have them in your life. Know what else? The giving will be so reciprocal that you won’t feel like you are the only one who is going above and beyond — the mutuality will be quite evident. If that isn’t the case, red flag central, sis.
Some of Your (Other) Relationships Are Strained
GiphyThere is a classic workaholic who is reading this who needs to hear what I am about to say: IF YOUR JOB IS PUTTING A STRAIN ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, YOUR LIFE IS OUT OF BALANCE. And for the relational workaholics who are checking this out, let’s look at your friendships for a second. If you’ve got one friend who is so needy (or is it selfish?) that you find yourself pouring so much time, effort, and/or energy into them that you don’t really have time for anyone else, that isn’t a very healthy dynamic.
Although there are definitely going to be times when certain friends will need more from you than others (because we all know that life do be life-ing out here), your friends aren’t your children; what I mean by that is you shouldn’t be out here emotionally babysitting grown adults to the point where other relationships are neglected because of it.
Hmph. I had a friend back in the day who couldn’t stand one of his wife’s friends because he said that the woman was borderline disrespectful. She would call his phone if she couldn’t find his wife, she would call at inappropriate hours, and she felt entitled to a lot of his wife’s time. Although, in my opinion, his wife should’ve nipped A LOT of that in the bud, this is a good example of when one relationship can put a strain on another.
When you’re used to overdoing things, you might fall into something like this without even noticing. Now that I’ve brought it to your attention, though, I hope you’ll reflect on whether this point personally applies to you — and then make adjustments where necessary, if so.
You Don’t Know How to Make Time for Yourself
GiphyChile, if there is one thing that I am gonna do over here, it’s make some time for myself — aggressively and unapologetically so, too. This has become even more of a practice since I’ve had more coaching clients because, although I enjoy what I do, I ain’t got no lies to tell you: sometimes humans can be draining beings and, when you do the kind of work that I do if you’re not careful, you can find yourself getting so absorbed into their stuff and their world that you end up neglecting your own needs…and nothing about that is even remotely good, beneficial or healthy.
You know, if you’ve ever heard that you should give to others out of your “overflow” instead of your “lack,” there is a ton of truth to that. If a friend is going through a breakup and needs to talk, it’s okay to take a walk alone or a nap before returning their call or heading over to their place. If your boyfriend needs you to do something for a relative that drains your energy (or spirit), it’s OK to decline until you are mentally or emotionally in the space to do it without an attitude or a feeling of resentment. If someone needs a favor, you are well within your rights to make sure that you have “it” to give and that you’re not just granting their request simply because they asked.
Workaholics, in any form, oftentimes suffer because they don’t prioritize themselves. Work-wise, they tend to do more than they are compensated or rewarded for. Relationally, they typically end up feeling used, even if it’s not until months or later when their bandwidth has been pushed to its limit. Neither outcome is helpful. Do all that you can to avoid it/them.
You Are Motivated by Fear More than Love
GiphyAre you killing yourself at work because you’re scared of what will happen if you don’t? Are you killing yourself in one (or more) of your relationships because you’re afraid that you could lose them otherwise? Another point that’s worth going in all-caps: DON’T DO THINGS OUT OF FEAR. More times than not, when we’re scared of something or someone, that is alerting us that something about it/them is unsafe.
Your company may be unpredictable (financially or when it comes to how it prioritizes things), or they may have a pattern of using intimidation to get folks to do more than their job description. You may have some people in your life who…don’t so much care about you; it’s more that they enjoy the benefits that come from being in a relationship with you. And because you know this and yet you ignore it, you allow fear to motivate you to do whatever it takes to keep the position — at work or with someone…when it really may not be worth it.
I am a living testament to the fact that outcomes are different when you do things out of love instead of fear. That’s why I once came up with the quote, “Love is a gift. Not a bribe,” because that is the absolute truth. And so, if you’re doing things in your relationships out of fear, step back and get to the root of that. Fear creates anxiety, doubt, despair, suspicion, and uneasiness — does any of that sound like the foundation of a solid relationship to you? Yeah, me neither.
As I wrap it up, whether you’re a workaholic or a relational workaholic, ask yourself if you’re “doing it for the love” or if something else is going on. Fear is alerting you to problems. Love will help you to create boundaries to keep everything in balance. Always choose the latter — you’ll toil so much less if/when you do.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert