I’ve got a friend who hasn’t taken a lunch break pretty much since the pandemic (well, lockdown; technically, we’re still in a pandemic, y’all). I think that’s crazy — and I’ve told her that much. As someone who has worked from home, literally, since 2000, I get how you can get caught up in your work (especially if you really enjoy what you do); however, she works in an office setting and, as far as being thrilled to do what she does? It really depends on the day that you ask.
That said, sadly, whenever I nudge her to take her lunch break in order to literally get a break, she simply says that she has too much to do to leave her desk and grab something to eat. Umm, you feel this way every damn day for multiple years at a time? In my opinion, something is off — way off, especially since she typically stays beyond the time that she is off of the clock and then turns right around and works on the weekends, too (even though it’s not actually required of her). To me, this is the classic sign of someone who is a workaholic.
Unfortunately, she’s not even close to being alone. In fact, I actually once read that around 30 percent of people fall into the workaholic category — and while many of them think that it’s simply an indication that they are passionate about what they do, it’s actually a red flag that something is definitely awry. It could be rooted in low self-esteem and the desire to prove that they are good enough. It could be the other extreme and be about narcissism and the craving for constant praise and appearing to be better than everyone else. It could be because their upbringing has “programmed” them to believe that overworking is a sign of being a good worker. It could be that they use work as a way to avoid issues and/or "cope" with stress.
As I was doing more reading up on workaholism, I thought about how I used to be, what I would call a “relational workaholic.” And you know what? A lot of the reasons are very similar to why people go overboard on their jobs. Interestingly enough, the signs of being a workaholic in the relationship realm — romantic, familiar, and platonic — are very similar too.
I’ve shared many times that one of my favorite quotes of all time is, “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” Aristotle said it. It means that anything done in the extreme will eventually become problematic because life is all about balance. That said, now that I’ve introduced this concept, you’ve always wondered if you could possibly be a relational workaholic; I’m going to compare it to some signs of being a traditional workaholic.
After reading this all the way through, do some journaling, and then hop into the comments and tell me what your ultimate conclusion is. Because if you are a workaholic — any kind of workaholic — take this as your sign that something has to give.
You Try to Be Perfect in Your Relationships
GiphyIf you are in a semi-serious relationship and either you find yourself walking on eggshells or you are hiding some significant things about yourself in order to appear…less human than you actually are, please hear me when I tell you that you are doing yourself, your relationship and the person you are seeing a gigantic disservice. Just like a telling sign that you’re a workaholic on your job is that you are a perfectionist, a big indication that you are a relational workaholic is if you try and hide your flaws or issues with those around you too.
And here’s the thing: not only is perfectionism totally unrealistic, it’s stressful, it’s exhausting and, at the end of the day, it’s not very rewarding.
Plus, on the relational tip, it can really affect your ability to trust the people you are dealing with because there will always be a part of you that is wondering if they would stick around if they really knew what you were all about. Always remember that in order for individuals to complement your life, they’ve got to know who they are complementing — and that can’t happen unless you are being a genuine person. Perfectionism robs you of that.
You’re Stressed Out
GiphyEven though I just touched on this, let’s go a bit deeper. Although both jobs and relationships have moments that may be stressful, if either one of these things is constantly bringing you anxiety, if it’s always got you worrying about something you said or did, if it’s bringing tension or strain into other parts of your world — if at the end of the day, it feels like a burden, guess what? You are in something that is unhealthy for you, and no amount of money from a job or attention (or time) via a relationship is worth it.
For one thing, stress can bethe cause of health-related issues like obesity, heart disease, irregular periods, cancer,diabetes, and depression. Also, being stressed hinders your performance, pretty much across the board. Meaning, if you’re stressed out at work, you won’t be very productive, and if you’re stressed out in your relationships, it will just bring more pressure, drama, and potential trauma to everyone involved (one way or another).
You know, it’s been reported that around34 percent of folks are in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed all of the time. Oftentimes it’s the result of either doing too much or not prioritizing things well. This can happen at work, and it can happen in your relationships, too. Bottom line with this one is, nothing should be stressful all of the time. If that’s what you’ve currently got going on, you already know what I’m about to say.
You (Always) Prioritize Them over Everything Else
GiphyYour job is what you do; it shouldn’t be all of what you are. And you know what? Your relationships shouldn’t be all-consuming, either. For the record, I don’t care what kind of relationship it is — (gasp!) even your spouse or your children. And listen, if what I just said triggered you in some way, you’re the person who needs to read this part of the article, especially because it is never a good idea to be so involved in something or someone that other things are constantly falling by the wayside, especially yourself.
On the work tip, folks like this oftentimes find themselves in positions where their manager or supervisor totally takes them for granted (even if it isn’t intentional). Relationally, your spouse can either take you for granted (sometimes without even noticing) or they can end up feeling suffocated while your kids can either become stagnated (due to you doing everything for them) or entitled (because they expect you to do everything for them).
Back in my hella codependency days, I was good for prioritizing a lot of folks over myself. The way that it would manifest in my world is I would take care of other people’s needs ahead of my own. Sometimes, it would be so extreme that I’d find myself covering other people’s bills before paying the ones that I had. All it did was result in me ending up with more problems and becoming resentful towards them that I did something that, oftentimes, they never asked me to do in the first place (yeah, codependency, by far, offers more liabilities than assets).
Anyway, by definition, a priority is something that has the right to take precedence over other things; it’s something that deserves special attention. And while many things can — and should — be a priority in your life, sometimes those priorities need to shift around (a bit), especially if you are the one who is being left out as far as your list is concerned.
You Do More than What Is Required
GiphyLISTEN. HERE. I don’t know about you, but I have had experiences with individuals where, after literally doing the absolute most for them, when I brought up that I wasn’t being appreciated, their response would be something along the lines of, “I never asked you to do all of that in the first place.” Ouch. And although it can be really easy to play the victim card out in times like these, I’m recommending, from very up close and personal experience, that you really ponder what they said — because sometimes, both at work and in relationships, we really do go overboard.
Sometimes it’s because of our enthusiasm about the job or connection we have with another person; however, other times it’s because, deep down, there’s a part of us that thinks that if we don’t do more than is actually required, they may not see the use for us or want us around as much.
As far as relationships are concerned, my main point here is if someone truly likes you for you and values what you bring to the table, you won’t have to bend over backward or damn near go broke just to have them in your life. Know what else? The giving will be so reciprocal that you won’t feel like you are the only one who is going above and beyond — the mutuality will be quite evident. If that isn’t the case, red flag central, sis.
Some of Your (Other) Relationships Are Strained
GiphyThere is a classic workaholic who is reading this who needs to hear what I am about to say: IF YOUR JOB IS PUTTING A STRAIN ON YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, YOUR LIFE IS OUT OF BALANCE. And for the relational workaholics who are checking this out, let’s look at your friendships for a second. If you’ve got one friend who is so needy (or is it selfish?) that you find yourself pouring so much time, effort, and/or energy into them that you don’t really have time for anyone else, that isn’t a very healthy dynamic.
Although there are definitely going to be times when certain friends will need more from you than others (because we all know that life do be life-ing out here), your friends aren’t your children; what I mean by that is you shouldn’t be out here emotionally babysitting grown adults to the point where other relationships are neglected because of it.
Hmph. I had a friend back in the day who couldn’t stand one of his wife’s friends because he said that the woman was borderline disrespectful. She would call his phone if she couldn’t find his wife, she would call at inappropriate hours, and she felt entitled to a lot of his wife’s time. Although, in my opinion, his wife should’ve nipped A LOT of that in the bud, this is a good example of when one relationship can put a strain on another.
When you’re used to overdoing things, you might fall into something like this without even noticing. Now that I’ve brought it to your attention, though, I hope you’ll reflect on whether this point personally applies to you — and then make adjustments where necessary, if so.
You Don’t Know How to Make Time for Yourself
GiphyChile, if there is one thing that I am gonna do over here, it’s make some time for myself — aggressively and unapologetically so, too. This has become even more of a practice since I’ve had more coaching clients because, although I enjoy what I do, I ain’t got no lies to tell you: sometimes humans can be draining beings and, when you do the kind of work that I do if you’re not careful, you can find yourself getting so absorbed into their stuff and their world that you end up neglecting your own needs…and nothing about that is even remotely good, beneficial or healthy.
You know, if you’ve ever heard that you should give to others out of your “overflow” instead of your “lack,” there is a ton of truth to that. If a friend is going through a breakup and needs to talk, it’s okay to take a walk alone or a nap before returning their call or heading over to their place. If your boyfriend needs you to do something for a relative that drains your energy (or spirit), it’s OK to decline until you are mentally or emotionally in the space to do it without an attitude or a feeling of resentment. If someone needs a favor, you are well within your rights to make sure that you have “it” to give and that you’re not just granting their request simply because they asked.
Workaholics, in any form, oftentimes suffer because they don’t prioritize themselves. Work-wise, they tend to do more than they are compensated or rewarded for. Relationally, they typically end up feeling used, even if it’s not until months or later when their bandwidth has been pushed to its limit. Neither outcome is helpful. Do all that you can to avoid it/them.
You Are Motivated by Fear More than Love
GiphyAre you killing yourself at work because you’re scared of what will happen if you don’t? Are you killing yourself in one (or more) of your relationships because you’re afraid that you could lose them otherwise? Another point that’s worth going in all-caps: DON’T DO THINGS OUT OF FEAR. More times than not, when we’re scared of something or someone, that is alerting us that something about it/them is unsafe.
Your company may be unpredictable (financially or when it comes to how it prioritizes things), or they may have a pattern of using intimidation to get folks to do more than their job description. You may have some people in your life who…don’t so much care about you; it’s more that they enjoy the benefits that come from being in a relationship with you. And because you know this and yet you ignore it, you allow fear to motivate you to do whatever it takes to keep the position — at work or with someone…when it really may not be worth it.
I am a living testament to the fact that outcomes are different when you do things out of love instead of fear. That’s why I once came up with the quote, “Love is a gift. Not a bribe,” because that is the absolute truth. And so, if you’re doing things in your relationships out of fear, step back and get to the root of that. Fear creates anxiety, doubt, despair, suspicion, and uneasiness — does any of that sound like the foundation of a solid relationship to you? Yeah, me neither.
As I wrap it up, whether you’re a workaholic or a relational workaholic, ask yourself if you’re “doing it for the love” or if something else is going on. Fear is alerting you to problems. Love will help you to create boundaries to keep everything in balance. Always choose the latter — you’ll toil so much less if/when you do.
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Now, while it’s another message for another time that if this type of sex-related craving feels impulsive or out of one’s control, it could be a sign of someone who is leaning into some level of sex addiction; however, that is not what we’re going to unpack today. Today, we’re going to look into what could be going on with you if it seems like, lately, you’ve been having a greater desire for sex, and you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, just like, say, a craving for a particular type of food oftentimes reveals something that is going on with you physically or mentally — sex cravings tend to bring certain things to light in those same areas, too.
Let’s dig in…
Hormonal Shifts
GiphyAlthough I don’t have social media accounts, I do tiptoe out there to see what’s going on — and boy, do I roll my eyes whenever I hear folks act like being over 40 is old. SMDH. It’s especially annoying when I hear about it in the context of sex because, believe it or not, there are a lot of late perimenopausal and menopausal women who are “gettin’ theirs” more than some of these 20 and 30-year-olds are (just ask them).
One reason is that the fear of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for many, is now in their rearview mirror. Another is because some are taking a form of hormone therapy to treat the changes that their system is going through — and when you’re getting more estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone into your body (in order to level things out) — HUNNAY.
For other women, even consuming phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) like peaches, garlic, berries, spinach, and cabbage can make them want sex more than when those aren’t a part of their diet. Bottom line here, a shift in your sexual hormones can definitely cause you to desire sex more than you have before (or have in a while).
Ovulation
GiphyBack when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, something that I used to tell “my daughters” all of the time is when you know that you’re ovulating, that’s when you need to be hypervigilant about using wisdom when it comes to the sex-related decisions that you make. I’m thinking that most of you get why: your body was designed to feel its horniest when you’re able to get pregnant — and that is during your time of ovulation.
That’s why it really is a good idea to keep up with your cycle and, if a baby is not something that is on your priority list right now, you either avoid having sex during that time of the month or make sure to use some form of birth control. Chile, even women with low libidos can find themselves wanting to hang off of a chandelier or two when they are ovulating. It’s nature’s way.
A Healthy Diet
GiphyIf you happen to be someone with a sluggish sex drive and you know that you spend most of your time in a drive-thru, there is probably a direct correlation there. No joke. There is plenty of research out in cyberspace to support the fact that a wack diet and low sex drive have a lot in common. While processed foods and unhealthy fats can throw your (sex) hormones off, foods that are filled with zinc, vitamins B12 and D, and iron can ramp up your desire for intimacy.
This is why many people who decide to make a lifestyle change as far as their eating habits are concerned are oftentimes surprised by how much sex is on their minds and how much easier it is for them to orgasm because of it. While a part of it can be due to a boost in their sexual confidence, a lot of it has to do with consuming foods that will literally feed their libido (in a healthy way).
More Exercise
GiphyPlainly put, exercise makes you hornier. Not only does it boost your testosterone levels, (consistently) working out also lowers your stress levels and gives you a boost in the self-esteem department. On top of that, exercise makes you more flexible, builds up endurance, and increases blood circulation which can turn around and intensify your climaxes as a direct result. In fact, this is oftentimes why people will want to have sex right after a workout session.
While we’re here, let me also share that too much of a good thing can end up being counterproductive. What I mean by that is, that although it is wise to exercise on a regular basis, make sure to not overdo it. Something known as overtraining syndrome can result in fatigue, insomnia, and irritability; no one can really have amazing sex when all of that is going on.
Being a Certain Age
GiphyWhile it used to be said that the sexual peak for men is in their teens and for women, it’s in their 30s (some believe it’s because after 35, it’s more challenging for women to get pregnant and so our biological clock plays a role in it all), some research believes that coming to that conclusion isn’t fair because aging affects people differently. For instance, while on one hand, people in their 40s tend to see a dip in their sex hormones, as we’ve already discussed, hormone therapy (for both men and women) can level some of those issues out, if not increase some people’s sex drives altogether.
Adding to that, it should also go on record that some studies indicate that women between the ages of 27-45 actually have a stronger desire — or craving — for sex than women between the ages of 18-26. So honestly, there goes the myth that being younger (automatically) means that you’re hornier. #Elmoshrug
Certain Medications
GiphyIf you used to have a higher sex drive and you’re currently on an antidepressant, that could be why your desire for copulation has decreased. Some studies say that as much as 40 percent of people who are on these types of medication end up having a lower libido (by the way, antihistamines and beta-blockers can have this effect, too).
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a prescribed drug to increase your sex drive (perhaps like Vyleesi or Addyi), then it would make sense that you may have an increased libido level. Other meds that may have a similar effect include birth control pills (since they alter your hormones), medications that help to treat Parkinson’s disease, along with dopamine-related drugs.
Less Stress
GiphyIf, on the days when you don’t seem to have a care in the world, you also desire sex more than usual, that’s not a coincidence either. Thing is, when you’re all stressed out, that can cause the stress hormone known as cortisol to work overtime and, when that happens, that can end up suppressing your sex hormones which can deplete you of sexual urges. Ironically, there is a flip side to this because when you engage in sexual activity, that actually elevates feel-good (and bonding) hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which can also de-stress you.
So basically, if you’re craving sex, you probably aren’t very stressed out (right now), and if you want to stop being stressed out, you probably should have some sex (some protected sex, if you don’t want to be stressed later up the road…if you know what I mean).
Having an Amazing Sex Life
GiphyTo me, this one right here should be a given because when something is both good to and for you, why wouldn’t you want more of it? So yeah, if you have a great sex life with someone, it’s common sense that you’d want to engage in that act with them as much as possible. Hey, not to mention the fact that orgasms activate your brain in a way similar to a drug high does.
So, if while reading this, you’re thinking about sexting your bae to make arrangements to — eh hem — satisfy your craving, I say go for it! To “greatly want” to connect with your partner in order to have some fulfilling and satisfying sex? What in the world could possibly be wrong with that?! Not a damn thing.
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