So, there's this guy I went to college with who had the biggest foot fetish I've ever personally known of, to date. He stared at feet. He constantly critiqued feet. And when he spoke of them, he described feet with the same type of lust and affinity that other guys talk about our T&A. I truly had never seen anything like it. To take things over the top, his favorite kind of feet were pedicured ones that—wait for it—were sweaty (What. In. The. World?!). Yeah, I feel like a lot of you are staring at your monitor (or cell phone) and thinking to yourself, "I already know this is some white dude." But nope. He was very much so Black. A proud Nupe who was very active in Black organizations on the yard, in fact. As a wise person once said, "There are all kinds of ways to be Black."
Anyway, I'm not sure why I didn't inquire more about his borderline obsession with feet at the time. It's not that I have a natural aversion to them or anything. It's just that, other than when it's time to get a pedicure of my own, I don't really give feet much thought. Plus, it wasn't until I worked with a porn ministry and learned more about all of the fetishes that are out here in the world (if you're curious about what the current most common ones are, click here) that I ever got why people have fetishes in the first place. While some folks have them due to being on the spectrum of some sort of mental illness or their fetish is PTSD-related to some form of trauma, others dabble in fetishism as a coping mechanism (for instance, as a way to deal with stress).
Still, there are those who simply have a very strong preference for things that might seem "odd" when it comes to what sexually arouses them. Believe it or not, one of the most popular "arousals" is feet. Here's why.
So, What’s the Foot Fetish Thing All About, Anyway?
Let's begin with what a foot fetish is (the technical term is podophilia, by the way) by definition. It's when someone is sexually interested in feet. It can be the entire foot or a part of it like the ankles or toes. While some people are drawn to feet in their completely natural state, others' interest are piqued when a person's toes are polished or they notice someone who has a toe ring or ankle bracelet on. Then there are those who can literally get off while massaging a person's feet or even licking or sucking on them.
As far as how common foot fetishes are, it's kind of hard to tell. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, once said in an interview for Men's Health, that 14 percent of the 4,000 individuals he surveyed claimed to have one. Another study that featured approximately 5,000 people revealed that almost half of the individuals who were asked about their "favorite fetish" had feet on the top of the list. So clearly, even if it's not spoken about openly or regularly, foot fetishes are pretty common out in these streets.
And just what is the fascination with feet, especially in a sexual sense? Those reasons run the gamut too. Some therapists say that it pulls in a submission aspect to sex. Because a lot of people find feet to literally be "below them", when the person with the fetish is able to subdue their partner in some way via feet play, it makes them feel more dominant and powerful. From a medical perspective, because there are well over 7,000 nerve endings in each of our feet, incorporating feet into sexual activity can potentially intensify orgasms (although, there are also studies that say it's easier to have orgasms with socks on so…there's that). Still, another theory is, because feet are covered up a lot of the time, those who have a foot fetish feel as if they are closer to their partner when both individuals have their feet exposed in each other's presence. Then there are the folks who don't have a clue why they like feet as much as they do.
Back in my sexually active days, I was definitely down for giving foot rubs. A few men did do some pretty impressive toe-sucking too (shout out to Aquariuses and my fellow Geminis on that one). But again, if feet never came into play in the bedroom, I definitely wouldn't have lost any sleep—or orgasms—over it. But after reading another fascinating reason why some people have this kind of fetish, I might just consider bringing more foot action into the equation, whenever I decide to hop back on the, umm, horse.
Have You Ever Had a Footgasm Before?
Out of all the reasons why people would be into feet, there is really only one that has me sold. It wasn't until several months ago that I was even aware that something like what I'm about to share even existed too. Have you ever heard of a footgasm before? It's literally when your feet are stimulated to the point where you climax. From what I've read, it's rarer than most other kinds of orgasms, but if you want to try to have one, this is what you do:
Have your partner put some warm massage oil in their hands. Then they should take one of your feet and, with the oil on their fingertips, they should gently-yet-deeply massage the soft part of your skin that is right beneath your toes and right above the arch of your foot. As they rub that area, it will not only help to relax your body, but it will send signals to your brain that will stimulate your genital region.
If they do this for about 10 minutes or so, while you might not experience a full-blown orgasm, what you do stand a great chance of is becoming so aroused that when you do have sex, your orgasms will be more intense and last longer. Feet are a reigning sexual pressure point, after all.
To me, what all of this boils down to is if you've got a foot fetish, it's nothing to be bashful about. It is quite evident that you are among friends. Oh, and if you're seeing someone who has one, try and keep an open mind. For those of us who aren't into feet in this way, it might seem a little odd, but if you can get a foot massage or possibly even an orgasm out of it, heck girl…why not?
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- Foot Fetish: How Common Is It? What Causes It? An Expert Explains. ›
- Why Some People Are Turned on By Feet - VICE ›
- What Is a Foot Fetish? We Asked Experts to Explain | Health.com ›
- Everything You Want to Know About Foot Fetishes, Explained | Allure ›
- Foot Fetishes: 8 FAQs About Why It Happens, Ways to Play, More ›
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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