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These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More
If someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you to rattle off 10 things that you adore about your body, would you be able to do it? The sad reality is that, for a lot of us, it would be so much easier to talk about all of the things we either hate or wish we could change rather than brag about all of the things we are totally in love with. That's actually why I decided to write this. My hope is that, if you do struggle with body positivity in some way (as most of us do), you won't settle for that any longer. Instead, you will take the steps needed to feel really good about the body that you're in. Not if you were bigger or smaller. Not if you were lighter or darker. Not if you hard more or less breasts, a fuller or less full derriere, or anything else that you could pick apart if given the chance.
Hacks are awesome. And these are 10 that can put you on the path to loving your body—just the way it is, right now, at this very moment.
1. Focus on Your Favorite Body Parts
If every time you look in the mirror, all you see are the things you don't like about your body, if I were you, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. There is plenty of research out here that points to the fact that our mind is hardwired to be negative. The good thing about that is it can prevent us from being complacent in life. The bad thing is, it can lead to self-loathing. One way to not allow negative thoughts to overtake you is to put forth the concerted effort to think about what you actually love about your body.
I don't care what you look like, I promise you that you've got something—probably more than one thing—that others envy. So, do you and your self-image a favor and jot down five things that you know is bomb about your body. Then post it on the mirror that you look into the most. It's the kind of self-love hack that will help you keep things in perspective. It can help to balance the good with the "bad".
2. Dress According to Your Body Type
According to a particular study that I recently read, a whopping 80 percent of women are dissatisfied with their appearance and a staggering 10 million women struggle with some sort of eating disorder. Aside from constantly looking at Instagram models and comparing ourselves with others (I'll expound on that in a bit), I'd venture to say that another leading cause is a lot of us do not know what our body type is and how to dress according to that.
When I started growing out my hair, I struggled at first because I didn't know if it was high, normal or low porosity. Now that I do (it's high), I am able to provide my tresses with what they need and my hair is finally beginning to really thrive. Do you see where I am going with this?
Sometimes, we get discouraged in an outfit because it doesn't fit right. In response, we immediately start going ham on our body when the real issue is, we're putting on things that don't necessarily complement our body type. If you're not really sure what yours is, there's no time like the present to figure it out.
Articles like "The Foolproof Way to Find Out Your Real Body Type" can finally put you on the path to purchasing clothing (and accessories) that will make your body look as great as you've always wanted it to.
3. Don’t “Fear” (Body) Foundation
Back in the day, I knew a woman who was around 5'9" and 400 pounds. To this day, she is one of the most gorgeous Godiva chocolate-jet black hair-perfect eyebrows-beautiful smile-regal women that I have ever seen. While it was always pretty obvious that she was a full-figured woman, it wasn't until we got really close that I knew her exact weight. Honestly, I would've never guessed. "Girl, you can hide a lot with the right foundation," she would tell me. "It can create a silhouette that you never even knew you had."
These days, people tend to refer to body foundation as body shapers and owning a few is nothing to be ashamed of. If you go to your favorite search engine and put the words "celebrity" and "Spanx", you might be surprised how many celebs are a fan of body foundation. Cop some. It can be a real game-changer when it comes to giving you confidence in your clothing. (By the way, if you need a little help in this department, check out "A Quick Guide To Choosing The Best Shapewear for Your Body Type".)
4. Rock Your Favorite Color(s)
Personally, I'm a big believer of color psychology. Not just because certain hues send certain messages to others, but because certain colors can also make us feel different ways about ourselves. As a Black woman, something that I adore is we can make pretty much any color pop. You might be a size 2 or a size 20, but I promise you that if you put your favorite color on, it will instantly make you feel good about yourself and radiate that feeling to those around you. So, whether it's a certain color in your outfit, your purse or your lipstick, put it on. Rock it out. Shake things up.
5. Smell Good
If you check out the article, "I Asked 10 Men What Turned Them On. This Is What They Said.", you'll notice that the first thing to top the list has nothing to do with how a woman looks; it was all about how a woman smells. Chalk it up to pheromones, aphrodisiacs and how we like to be closer to people when they smell amazing. Listen, I don't care if it's perfume, essential oils or a scented lotion, don't you walk out of your house without some "smell good" on your body. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten complimented on my signature essential oil blend and how much I enjoy smelling my own damn self. It's a real self-confidence booster.
6. “Feel” Good
A lot of times, when we think about our bodies, it's the size and shape that comes to mind. But our skin is a part of our body too and when it is soft and smooth, it can make us feel absolutely…delicious is the word that immediately comes to mind. Articles on the site like "Everyone's Raving About The 10-Step Korean Skincare Routine", "All-Natural Ways To Keep Your Skin Super Soft This Fall & Winter", "These Foods Will Give Your Skin & Hair The Moisture They Crave", "9 All-Natural Ways To Quench Dehydrated Skin" and "The Best Black-Owned Moisturizers To Keep Your Skin Hydrated This Winter" can provide you with tips on how to make your skin feel so good that you can't help but to love your body more. Nurture your skin. It's always time well spent.
7. Put on a Pair of Heels
Heels on a daily basis? Long-term, it's not exactly the best thing for your spine, back, knees or feet. But rocking them, in moderation, is cool. It is also a great hack for building body positivity. The reasons why include the fact that heels can make you appear taller, add some strut to your walk, provide you with a natural butt lift and cause your legs to look a mile long. So, if this is a day when you don't feel all that great about yourself, bust out a pair of pumps, girl! Watch how confident you feel, from the moment that you put them on.
8. Pamper Yourself on a Weekly Basis
Something that I make sure to do, without fail, about every 10 days or so, is I get my nails done. During one of my last appointments, I saw a woman who had some truly beautiful skin. It was like a deep coal Black. I was so mesmerized that I complimented her on it. She shrugged and said, "This ashy mess?" to which I replied, "A little sweet almond oil can fix that immediately."
Ugh, how I hate that there are so many of us who don't make time to nurture our body, let alone pamper ourselves. If you don't love your body all that much, ask yourself if you invest in it by luxuriously indulging it. If the answer is "no" or "rarely", then I'm not surprised. We don't tend to adore what we choose to neglect. #ouch and #amen
9. Always Remember How Phenomenal Your Body Is
Have you ever just sat and pondered what makes women so…miraculous? Our bodies are able to blow men's minds with pleasure; grow, birth and then feed children and, as Black women, age with a grace that makes members of basically every other ethnicity try and imitate us on a daily basis (don't make me name names). How could you not love that about yourself? From head-to-toe, you are a masterpiece. Or, as King David once said, "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." (Psalm 139:14—NKJV) You are a woman. That automatically makes your body dope. Own it.
10. STOP. COMPARING.
There's a quote by Zen Shin that says, "A flower does not think of comparing itself to the flower next to it; it just blooms." Daisies are not lilies, lilies are not roses, roses are not tulips. Yet they all have a signature beauty about them. Same thing goes for us as women.
Not only is comparing ourselves counterproductive and a total waste of precious and valuable time, it also is an insult to our Creator, our parents and even ourselves. It's basically saying that God spent more time on someone other than ourselves. Now read that back and listen to how ridiculous that sounds.
I've got some really beautiful women in my inner circle. But you know what? Rather than wondering why I don't look like them, I choose to be like, "Birds of a feather flock together." (LOL) It's not about who looks better. It's about us all encouraging one another to be our individual best. If you master the hack of no longer comparing yourself to other women, the irony is that mastering most of these other tips will not even be necessary. You'll automatically be focused on you and doing the things required to put your best self forward. You'll love your body, simply because there is none other like it. And that level of self-love and body positivity is unmatched. It really is.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
These Are Some Natural Beauty Trends You Can Feel Good About In 2020
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Skylar Marshai Talks Hair Reset With SheaMoisture Bond Repair 'Revive & Thrive' Campaign
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
Skylar Marshai is known for her extravagant style, and her hair is no exception. But now, she’s giving her hair a break and focusing on hair care with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection. “I feel like my hair has always been an extension of my storytelling because I know it's so innately linked to my self-expression that I've been thinking a lot about how my love for crafting my hair into these different forms and shapes has honestly never given it a chance to just be,” Skylar explains.
“So for the next few weeks, I will be wearing my natural hair out.” The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is infused with AminoBlend and HydroPlex technology, scientifically proven to make hair 6x stronger with 84% less breakage by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds (vs. non-conditioning shampoo). That’s why it's the perfect hair reset for Skylar.
“It's been a long, long time since I've worn my natural curls. I haven’t nurtured it in its natural form so I’m scared of breakage, of it being dry, of it being damaged,” she admits. “I do feel like my hair is in good hands because I will be using the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection and it’s known for repairing damaged hair making it smoother, making it stronger like all of these very real concerns I have.”
Thanks to the unique blend of Amino Blend Complex (fortifying amino acids), Amla oil, and fair-trade shea butter used in each product, the hair will become visibly healthier after just one use. That’s because the collection focuses on repairing and reviving dry, damaged hair due to color, protective styles, heat, and more. This 4-step system, which includes Bond Repair Shampoo, Bond Repair Conditioner, Bond Repair Masque, and Bond Repair Leave-in, also enhances weakened hair bonds to reduce future breakage.
Skylar shows us how she uses the collection and it’s giving big, beautiful, healthy hair. “So I think it's gonna be some beauty to allowing my hair to rest,” she says. When it comes to styling, the influencer is “just gonna let Mother Nature do her thing.” Learn more about the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection below.
Step One: Bond Repair Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are infused with the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, Shea Moisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Conditionerdeeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Feature image by @skylarmarshai/ Instagram
More People Are Using The 'Gray Rock Method' To End Relationships. It Needs To Stop.
Breaking up is hard to do. That’s the hook of a song from way back in the day, and as someone who has broken up with people before and had a few end things with me, I can certainly attest to that very fact. Thing is, when it comes to this particular topic, sinceI am also a life coach in the area of relationships, I do think that what can make a break-up so much more painful — or at least triggering — is how someone chooses to do it…and boy, if the gray rock method is not one of the most cowardly ones out here — WHEW.
And just what is the gray rock method? I’m so glad that you asked because, although I didn’t know until semi-recently that there was an actual term for it, I have experienced it and witnessed far too many other people go through it, to not call it all the way out.
Before breaking it down, if you’re on the verge of ending things with someone (someone you’re dating, not someone you’re married to because you definitely shouldn’t go this route in that case), if you want your life karma to be good, this is how to NOT handle your relationship.
Let me explain.
What It Means to Be a Coward
Before I get into what the gray rock method is all about, I think it’s important to lay down a bit of groundwork. You know, I’ve been working professionally in the field of relationships for damn near two decades at this point, which means that I have seen a lot — and when it comes to the approach that folks will take in order to end their own romantic connection with someone, I’ve noticed that men will oftentimes take the cowardly way out while women will lean into being passive aggressive.
For the record, both are ridiculous (in my opinion), and I’ll expound on why. Starting with being a coward.
By definition, a coward is someone who lacks courage. Some synonyms for the word include wimp, deserter, and quitter. Because I am a traditionalist (more like a complementarian) in many ways when it comes to relationships, a cowardly man grates my soul because, if a man is to lead a relationship, he can’t be a coward and do it well.
Hmph. That reminds me ofan article that I once read on traits of a cowardly leader; some of them included avoiding hard decisions, being a poor listener, not being genuine, refusing to grow or change on any level, and not following through with things.
And you know what? There are a lot of guys out here who, when they are ready to end a relationship, instead of just coming right on out and saying it, they will take the cowardly approach. For instance, they might stop listening to you or paying attention to your needs, or they might become inflexible or unwilling to compromise, all the while hoping that their actions will frustrate you to the point where you will leave them so that they don’t have to be “the bad guy.” And yes, that is a coward. A textbook one, at that.
Is it on the top of anyone’s list to end a relationship? Does anyone rush to hurt someone’s feelings or worse, break their heart? Unless they’re a clinically diagnosed narcissist or sociopath, absolutely not. Indeed, calling it quits with someone requires courage. Yet, if a man wants to be respected, courage is something he’s going to need to have if he comes to the conclusion that a relationship no longer suits him anymore.
That said, people who use the gray rock method with people they date are not very courageous people. Put a pin in that while I handle how a lot of women tend to move towards the end of relationships for a second.
What It Means to Be Passive Aggressive
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
UGH. My clients know that if there’s one thing that I’m going to call out, each and every time, it’s saying “nothing” to clearly something — and it’s not (typically) men who do that mess; it’s usually women…by far. I don’t know who started that approach to communication, but whoever it is should be placed on billboards all over the country with bright red flags circling their head because mature and effective interaction doesn’t require someone having to beg you to speak up. If something is wrong, say it; being passive-aggressive profits absolutely nothing.
And what exactly does it mean to be a passive-aggressive individual? In many ways, it’s a lot like gaslighting. Rather than confront a matter head-on, passive-aggressive folks do things likegive the silent treatment, address issues with cynicism or sarcasm, smile in your face, and then talk about you behind your back (even if that means venting about you online), dish out backhanded compliments; will engage in self-sabotage by creating drama and problems that don’t really exist, and/or they will pull that “nothing” mess in order to make someone pull how they are feeling out of them (which again, is pretty immature, if we’re gonna be real about it).
And why would someone do this if they are unhappy in their relationship? Well, the interesting thing about passive-aggressive behavior (which is why it’s so close to gaslighting) is if people do it “well” enough, they can play the victim; that’s because it’s so subtle that, although they are annoying/irritating the entire mess out of someone, it can be challenging for the person who is on the receiving end of their game-playing to directly call them out on it.
So, if a guy is dating a woman who is passive-aggressive and she says things like, “I mean, this is a better restaurant than the ones you’ve taken me out on lately,” or she suddenly decides to nitpick at what he does when she used to be quite chill, if he starts to distance himself or wants to end things, then she can act like he abandoned her, even though she’s the one who started all of the discontent and low-key drama, to begin with — and yeah, that’s some pretty nasty work.
And this, along with being cowardly, at the end of the day, can both play a direct role in applying the gray rock method to ending a relationship. Here’s how — and why.
Here’s How They Both Play a Role in the “Gray Rock Method”
When was the last time you stared at a rock? If you honestly can’t remember, I don’t blame you. Rocks are pretty boring. In fact, the only thing worse than looking at a rock is looking at a gray rock. I mean, even though I like to wear gray, let’s not act like the color is super stimulating or anything. And so, if you pair that hue with a stone, and then look at it for minutes on end, there is a huge possibility that you are gonna be bored out of your mind to the point where you’d rather do almost anything but continue to do so.
Ladies (and possibly gents as well), I give you the gray rock method. Although some people say that it’s a helpful way to deal with negative or draining people, remember that we’re talking about it in a particular context for this article. For this piece, the gray rock method is applied by tapping out so much, becoming so bland and ho-hum in conversations, literally acting boring as hell that the person you’re seeing ends up fading out or ending things altogether…and gee, you didn’t have to do any of the dirty work.
Could it work? Sure, it could. Hell, it does. People do some variation of this mess all of the time. However, even the person who came up with the term says that if you’re going to attempt it, you should during the beginning stages of dating NOT when you’re ready to end something that is far more substantial. Why shouldn’t you for more serious relationships? Well, now that you know what the gray rock method is all about…do you see how it can be cowardly like a mug and/or passive-aggressive as all get out? What’s even remotely respectful about either of those things?
One way that I’ve seen someone pull the gray rock method approach that was pretty foul is she totally disengaged with her partner. Then, when he stopped doing as much work as he used to in order to maintain the relationship, she accused him of cheating — just so she could feel good about ending a relationship that she no longer wanted to be in, in the first place. Foul, foul, and super foul. Yeah, no matter how difficult it can be to end things with someone, putting them in a position where they will seem like the villain and you the hero-victim when you know that you were pulling puppet strings all along? Either you’re heartless, or you don’t believe in karma.
Which brings me to my final point for all of this.
There Is Usually Karma in Break-Ups. Remember That.
Not too long ago, someone asked me about what kept me from totally clowning a particular individual (who they know) who did me pretty dirty back in the day. I mean, I do have a book coming out before the year’s end. LOL. I promise you, I don’t know why folks wanna screw with writers (any kind of writer too). The bigger point here is when you know that you did right by — or at least better than —someone, you really can let karma (destiny or fate, following as effect from cause) handle it.
And for those of you who claim not to believe in karma, do you not believe in sowing and reaping (Galatians 6:6-10) either — because that’s pretty much what karma is. And here’s the thing about it: it doesn’t have an expiration date. What that means is you can plant a “bad” (or cowardly or passive-aggressive or jacked-up motive) seed, forget all about it, and BOOM! Out of nowhere comes a harvest that you can’t figure out…and it was all connected to that nasty seed that you planted back in the day.
Yeah, the thing that you have to be careful of when it comes to matters of the heart is, that you really do need to always and consistently apply the Golden Rule of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” So, even if you’re not feeling someone in the way that they feel about you (anymore), don’t be delusional (or arrogant) enough to think that one day you won’t be emotionally where they are about you now regarding someone else — which could cause them to “gray rock” the mess outta you. See where I’m coming from?
Actor Keanu Reeves once said, “Your karma should be good and everything else will follow.” Break-ups are included. If you want things to end well for you, end well with someone. There’s no need to bore them to tears so that they will leave so that you won’t have to. Be what you want: honest, clear, fair, compassionate, and caring. Even if it’s time to bring this chapter of your love life to a close, who said that it can’t be respectful, grown, and honorable? The gray rock method? Yeah, it doesn’t check off any of those boxes. Not really.
___
I know this is a bit of a different kind of relationship article. Like I said earlier, although you may have never heard of the term before, “gray rocking” happens too much to not address it head-on to hopefully get fewer people to do it.
Bottom line, is if you want a mature break-up from someone, give one.
I would hate for a gray rock to hit you on your head (or at your heart) one day (you know, metaphorically-speaking)…all because you didn’t.
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Featured image by Vladimir Vladimirov/Getty Images