A man can smell confidence.
He knows when you really love yourself, and he also knows when you're full of sh-t. He knows when what you're demanding is a reflection of what your standards really are, and he knows when you're just telling him how you think things are supposed to be. He smells you, and it doesn't take long to figure out if it's the real deal or the knockoff.
After one conversation, he will know if he has to bring his A-game, or if you'll be down for all of him, so it's important that your words match your actions.
My mouth recited the standards I came up with in my head so perfectly. It had them down to a T, and I knew them like the back of my hand. Everything sounded exactly how it should and I just knew a man worth loving was going to appreciate and abide by them. But that was my problem. My standards were only apart of a script I had come up with after reading countless blogs and relationship goals memes on Twitter.
My actions were the complete opposite of what I was requiring from men.
I was able to fake it during the "talking" phase, but as soon as I became his girlfriend, my standards went out the window along with my faux confidence. Where were my standards after the first time he disrespected me? Where were my standards after the first time he broke his promise? Where were my standards after the first time I found out about another woman? Where were my standards and confidence then?
One thing I've learned is that there's three things a man loves with all his heart: sex, food, and a woman who does not need his ass.
There's nothing he loves more than a woman who allows him in her life simply because she wants him there.
Not because she's trying to find someone to "complete" her. Not because she's trying to fall in love with herself through him. Not because she needs him. No matter how often guys tweet how they need a girl with a big booty, perky tits, and a crazy head game, at the end of the day all they want is a woman who loves the hell out of herself enough to not keep taking him back when he cheats on her instead of continuing to answer the phone when he keeps walking in and out of her life, or allowing him to Netflix and chill everyday.
Having confidence comes with great responsibility. It requires you to not only hold other people accountable, but yourself as well. In the past, holding my partner accountable in a relationship came with the possibility of losing that relationship and I didn't want that. I bet he was able to time my favorite "this is the last time, I swear I'm done" line. "1, 2...go," and there I was spitting that line out on cue while he probably wanted to laugh in the middle of him telling me how he would change and make it up to me.
It became a cycle because I didn't love myself enough to put an end to it.
Having confidence means never letting yourself or others get too comfortable. If your self-love is a knockoff, you tend to get comfortable in the bed of broken promises, let downs, and dysfunction.
After a while, anything else seems weird or "too good to be true."
Women have been taught that love is about staying down and remaining loyal through the good and the bad. We've been taught that "eventually he's going to realize what he has." But we often forget that he can't do that if you haven't even realized who you are first. Your self-love will remain cheap until you become fully aware of the power that lies within loving yourself.
Are your actions matching your words? Let me know how you practice self-love.
Candice McCoy is a writer and Howard University Alumna who think she can change the world with words. You can find her spilling real thoughts on real topics on her blog Life In A Pile.
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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