Sex is different things for different people, at different times in their lives. It's potentially casual. Fun. Penetrative or not. Passionate. Intimate. Intentional. Performative. Obligatory (cringey but yes). Religious. Spiritual. Boring. Sex is transformative. Sex is a love language (physical touch). Necessary. Goal-oriented. Freaky. Healing. Loving. Or...Tantric!
And in many instances, they are a compilation of these things, and definitely some that weren't listed here, as in the case of the very last adjective that I listed "tantric sex." At least, that's the impression I get from my own deductive reasoning skills, but what do I know other than what American Pie taught me?
What Is Tantric Sex?
But my curiosity is piqued and I'll bet yours is too, so Prandhara Prem, Tantric Holistic Therapist, clued us in on exactly what tantric sex is and how we can have more of it. First things first, she answers the obvious, more glaring question: what is tantric sex? Prem describes tantric sex as "a meditative form of sex, which has the ability to heal the individuals performing the act of sex. It is a process of expansion through breathing techniques and sexual positions that allow you to be present in your body."
She continued, "It is a beautiful experience in which the couple increases their intimacy and connection through being in the moment and focusing on each other and the journey with no end goal in mind. Tantric sex takes away the pressure of having to perform or have a certain outcome." Furthermore, "Tantra is spiritual, thus tantric sex is sacred."
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Though both tantric sex and Kama Sutra share the sacred element that allows for the exploration of "desire, intimacy, liberation, expansion, and curiosity", they differ in that Kama Sutra is sacred texts that shows specific sex positions for pleasure, expansion, healing and growth. Kama is the Sanskrit word for sex." There's less of an emphasis on the meditative parts such as breathing and sensual touch that reduces the stress that may come with goal-oriented sex.
Although the practice of tantric sex is for anyone -- she means that literally as you can practice tantra via solo sex, in monogamous hetero or homosexual partnerships, and ethically non-monogamous relationships as well -- it's important that you truly and authentically commit to the art of this practice. "If you are going to practice Tantric sex, learn the history and as much as you can and honor where it comes from. Honor the sacredness behind it," she advised. "The best way to not colonize or appropriate is to simply appreciate and pay tribute to its roots and not take it as your own. Make sure to not just have tantric sex just for fun or to get your rocks off. It is not about that at all. Maintain the sacredness and integrity of the practice."
If you feel capable of honoring your own curiosity while also honoring, respecting, and uplifting the cultural elements of this practice, move your Candyland piece a little closer to the winning end for more information on the "how" of it all.
How To Have Tantric Sex
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Prem compared tantric sex to a reflexology massage, further explaining: "Our genitals have reflexology points just as our feet, hands, ears, and eyes do and so when we have conscious tantric sex, we can heal and balance the energy in the organs that are located on the genitals." If we, "think of it as having a reflexology massage...through conscious sex, we could massage those points thereby releasing the traumas and blockages within the genitals and body."
Prem recommended for those interested in the practice to begin by taking a course led by a practitioner or teacher whom they're comfortable with and reading Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas. But reading or taking a class means nothing if you don't practice. Prem urged us to put the techniques from books and classes to practice. Retaining this information requires more of a hands-on learning approach than we're used to, but I imagine these are the types of homework assignments all of us dreamt of in high school sex-ed. Though keep in mind, that reaping the word comes with doing the foundational work. It's like our expert says: "It is really all about practice, breathwork, and being open to experience new sensations."
Prem also recommended two other reads, The Heart of Tantric Sex and The Art of Everyday Ecstasy. She reminded us that while "most of the times you will see examples of heterosexual couples, you can modify the positions and techniques" based on sexual orientation and such. Also suggested was finding community through platforms such as Facebook and/or Instagram in order to find classes and the like.
Here are 6 steps to introduce tantric sex into the bedroom, per Prem:
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1. Mood Setting
"Tantra is about expanding the senses so it really stimulates the senses through incense, soft or sensual music, candles, pillows for comfort, and dim lighting."
2. Proper Breathing
"This is important to get you grounded and centered. I recommend to my students to breathe in a nice, deep breaths through the nose and expand the belly to get a full breath. Next, exhale slowly and deeply through the mouth. The more you practice breathing, the more it becomes natural and automatic. Most of us breathe incorrectly with short, shallow breaths."
3. Eye Contact
"Trataka which is the Sanskrit word for eye-gazing. Eye contact will help you both feel more intimate and connected during sex. I tell my students to choose one eye to look at to prevent the eye movements which can be a distraction."
4. New Positions
"Sit in Yab Yum position and breathe together. This is a position in which one of the partners sits cross-legged and the other sits on top. In traditional heterosexual relationships, the male sits on the bottom and woman on top. In homosexual, you can have the bigger of the two on bottom or the one with more masculine energy on the bottom. Whichever feels better to you. Simply breathe together. As one breathes in, the other breathes out and vice versa. This helps to align the chakras and energy within the two of you."
5. The Foreplay
"Sensual or erotic touch or massage. A woman needs at least 20 minutes to open up and relax so the longer you can prevent penetration the better. It's also important to redefine sex so that it is not just the penetration. All of these steps are a part of having sex. Practice asking for what you want and saying how it is feeling. Many people think this will kill the mood, but it does the opposite. It takes off the pressure from your partner from wondering if they are pleasing you."
6. Open & Happy Endings
"You can actually end here and cuddle or introduce penetrative sex. These positions can incorporate the Kama Sutra positions or specific tantric sex positions. I teach specific positions which are different from Kama Sutra."
Though Prem has provided us with a ton of wonderful information and resources in order to get our feet wet, please be mindful that at some point you will need a teacher in order to grow your knowledge. Similarly to how a gym trainer ensures we're using proper technique, Prem suggested a teacher at some point in order to provide guidance and proper technique.
Last but absolutely not least was a gentle reminder from Prem: for those of you looking to journey, "the most important thing when it comes to tantric sex is to be open and trust the process. Surrender, open up, and have fun. Enjoy the journey. Tantra has to be lived and you can't be in your mind. Like tantra, tantric sex is all about the experience."
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RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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