When Trayvon Martin was senselessly murdered for doing what any average teenager does on a rainy afternoon - making a run to the corner store wearing a hoodie - it made blatant to the world what Black people have long suspected. That, despite centuries of injustice, despite having a Black president, and despite living in a so-called post-racial society, our Black lives still didn't matter.
I remember hearing the audio tape of his killing as I carried my unborn child. I followed Trayvon's trial extremely close that year as I struggled through a high-risk, life-threatening pregnancy. It was an extremely low, uncertain period in my life exacerbated by frequent hospitalizations, the brutal murder of Trayvon Martin, and the realization that I, my family, and my unborn child were not safe from racial violence. In fact, I myself had been a victim of excessive force by police officers seven years prior.
My pregnancy was marked by frequent instances of pre-term labor, symptoms of heart failure, and dangerously high blood pressure. It wasn't until late into my second trimester that my mother made a startling connection:
Every single time I watched the trial or allowed myself to get worked up by new developments in the case, I ended up being hospitalized. My physical symptoms were directly connected to the emotions the trial brought up in me.
She told me to turn off the TV and to block out the violence and negativity going on around me. "Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Watch comedies, eat the foods you enjoy. Don't expose yourself to negativity." Despite my initial resistance, I found that, surprisingly, my hospitalizations immediately ceased once I took her advice to heart.
This experience made me realize two things:
- The mind-body connection is incredibly strong, especially for empaths, introverts, and highly-sensitive people like me.
- People of color internalize trauma so deeply that we may not realize the effect it has on us, on our children, on our relationships, and on our physical and emotional well-being.
Studies show a direct link between being exposed to racial injustice and generational trauma. Stress hormones, susceptibility to anxiety and depression, and symptoms of PTSD, throughout history, have been passed down from traumatized Black mothers to their unborn children through the womb.
Renowned author and researcher Joy DeGruy has coined a term for this phenomenon: Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome. "Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome is a condition that exists when a population has experienced multigenerational trauma resulting from centuries of slavery and continues to experience oppression and institutionalized racism today." Healthline.com notes:
"For the Black community, the impact of centuries of unaddressed trauma still manifests today...being Black in America means living with chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) caused not only by one's lived experiences, but the experiences of our ancestors…"
Black people have been exposed to racial injustice and police brutality for centuries. But for the past eight years especially, since the brutal murder of Trayvon Martin and the wide availability of smartphones, coverage of these events has markedly increased. Much to our benefit, but also to the detriment of our physical and emotional health.
Exposure to graphic images of murder and death is adversely affecting our collective health. This is quite literally a public health crisis that isn't being adequately addressed.
Until it is, it's on us to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Here are 4 steps that you can take to off-set the dangerous effects of these traumatic events on your psyche and on your physical health:
1.Unplug
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Turn off your television. Take a break from Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. In fact, turn off your phone altogether. Limit your exposure to negative news, conversations and graphic violence. Our generation, more than generations prior, is subject to an "always on, 24-hour" news cycle that makes it difficult to turn away from what's trending in the news and on social media.
Studies show that our generation is experiencing "information overload" by the constant influx of news. This increased access is linked to an increased risk of depression.
2.Evaluate Your Feelings
It is normal to experience FOMO (the Fear Of Missing Out), but you don't have to know and publicly react to everything that's going on in the world. Often, when incidences of racial violence go public, there is a pervasive pressure to immediately issue a public reaction. There is a feeling that if you don't respond right away, you're not "woke."
Don't ever allow yourself to feel guilty about protecting your emotional and mental health.
Empaths and highly sensitive people need time to process traumatic events. This is especially true for empaths who absorb everyone else's feelings so deeply to the point where you may become confused about where your feelings end and someone else's begins! You need time to process your feelings and to determine whether or not you're actually carrying on the emotions of someone else or of society at large. Take your time.
Take a moment to connect with nature. Take a walk in the park. Run a bath. Allow yourself some solitude and the chance to clear your mind. Practice grounding exercises and carry dark crystals like Black Tourmaline and Black Obsidian to stave off negative vibes.
3.Think Critically
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Don't allow yourself to be so easily persuaded by what's being reported in the news, by social media influencers and by social media justice warriors. Some of these people and groups profit off of permanent outrage. The louder and the more outraged they sound, the more "woke" they seem, the more clout they get and the more followers they receive.
Be introspective. Reflect on whether or not the feelings you are experiencing are indeed your own, or if you are being influenced by performative outrage. The same adage about cutting off negative people, environments and situations also applies to the people and pages you spend time on on social media too!
Don't underestimate the impact social media has on mental health. Studies show that since social media first appeared on the scene in the early 2000s, rates of suicide, anxiety and depression have surged.
4.Don’t Bottle Up Your Emotions
Set an appointment with a therapist. Speak with a trusted friend. Pour your emotions out in your journal or through your preferred artistic medium like illustration, music, or dance. Allow yourself to deeply feel and experience the influx of emotions that you may not be able to express outwardly. Cry if you need to. Go somewhere private and scream at the top of your lungs. Allow yourself to fully experience the pain that these events inevitably bring. And then LET IT GO.
Don't allow stress and pain to live and fester inside of your mind and body. It will inevitably manifest in harmful ways.
Brutality against people of color has been embedded into the fabric of America since the days of our founding fathers. Instances of police brutality will likely continue until major systemic reforms are made.
Remaining mindful of the effects these events have on you can help you survive and prosper in the face of injustice and brutality against people of color.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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We all know Black doesn't crack but when reading up on beauty trends, many online experts suggest that every woman over 30 needs specific products to fight against fine lines and wrinkles. To maintain perfectly smooth glowing skin after a certain age, if it's not eye cream, then it's a specific product or procedure that could cost more than what I'm willing to pay for anti-aging effects. I decided to get the real tea on the skincare needs of Black women over 30.
I spoke with beauty expert Eden Gilliam, an esthetician with 11 years of experience in the beauty industry and founder of EVE MILAN, a Black woman-owned skincare company based in New York City.
Courtesy of Eve Milan
"I like to stay away from adding a bunch of extra products into a person's skincare routine that they're not going to commit to. Too many steps ultimately lead to becoming so frustrated that you're not going to do much of anything." Eden states.
"For example, the area around your eyes is more delicate of course, it's the thinnest skin you have so it may need more attention as you age. However, if you have a nice hydrating serum like hyaluronic acid that's already in your daily routine, then you can definitely get away with using that on your under-eye skin. For people that like to keep it natural, using shea butter also keeps that area hydrated." Her point? "Keep your routine simple."
After working hands-on with clients, Eden identified common skincare struggles which led her to create a line of products designed to restore confidence and a healthy glow no matter one's age. She explains, "There isn't anything that a three-step system can't solve." With age comes responsibility and a quick morning and nighttime routine are extremely effective when balancing healthy skin and busy life. "It should only take 10 minutes of your time, knowing exactly what you're doing and feeling confident in your routine."
The Simplicity Set: 3-Step System
"When it comes to the products we offer, like our best-selling 'Simplicity Set,' it's a hydrating cleanser, gentle exfoliant in the form of pads and a serum."
1. Gentle Cleansing Gel No. 103
Courtesy of Eve Milan
Every routine starts off with a cleanser. Eden suggests tackling your skincare basics with a nourishing cleanser that balances oil production while delivering a deep clean.
2. Superfruit Enzyme Exfoliating Pads
Courtesy of Eve Milan
Recently introduced to the process of exfoliation, when speaking with Eden I learned how instrumental this process is for aging skin. "Exfoliating as you get older is going to be the foundation of any skincare routine. You have to exfoliate. As we age, our skin turnover rate starts to slow down and it's not renewing itself as fast as it used to. That's how you get clogged pores, fine lines, and wrinkles, even dry skin. When exfoliating, that allows the remaining products you apply to be more effective."
When asked what's the difference between an exfoliant and a toner, Eden explains, "A toner completes the cleaning process which is why it's used after a cleanser but exfoliants dissolve the glue that holds your skin cells intact. You want these skin cells to regenerate like they used to."
"A chemical exfoliant, which I believe every Black woman should be using, not a scrub (physical exfoliant), penetrates into the skin and keeps working throughout the day. It also increases your skin turnover and helps with appearing how it was in your teens and 20s."
Another tip when using the enzyme exfoliating pads, you can use [them] on your face, neck, chest, anywhere on your body, even your bikini area when suffering from ingrown hairs. Take care of all areas and achieve a head-to-toe glow by getting the most out of your products. Don't neglect the rest of your body by focusing solely on your face while other areas suffer from dry, cracked skin.
3. Reset Serum No. 422
Courtesy of Eve Milan
To complete the 3-step system, Eve Milan's Reset Serum is the perfect universal hydrating formula created for skin types. Doubling as a moisturizer, this is the final step to securing fresh and rejuvenated skin. Eden shares, "If you are going to invest money in anything skincare-wise, you'll want a serum." For a hydrating, vitamin-rich product, the Reset Serum soaks into the skin with healing ingredients like Gotu kola, niacinamide, and ceramides which provide you with anti-aging benefits. Whether oily or dry skin, this hydrating serum is for everyone.
"Asking whether a hydrating serum is for dry skin only is like asking if a person needs water. Your skin needs water, not oil. One of the main things that African-American women deal with is post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation which is brown spots resulting in the lack of hydration. No matter your skin type, you need products that add water to the skin and keep it in there."
Aside from the 3-step process, Eden also shares the importance of good health and probiotics when it comes to healthy skin. She adds, "One thing I tell my clients, we need to take vitamins. Skincare is what you are eating and the vitamins you are taking. Ask yourself what you are eating and drinking. Like caffeine, is it helping you or causing more problems?"
Without the use of harsh chemicals, Eve Milan's mission is to get customers to feel comfortable in their own skin. All the products are made free of sulfates, parabens, phthalates, artificial color, and fragrance to limit your exposure to toxins.
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Originally published on October 30, 2021