When Trayvon Martin was senselessly murdered for doing what any average teenager does on a rainy afternoon - making a run to the corner store wearing a hoodie - it made blatant to the world what Black people have long suspected. That, despite centuries of injustice, despite having a Black president, and despite living in a so-called post-racial society, our Black lives still didn't matter.
I remember hearing the audio tape of his killing as I carried my unborn child. I followed Trayvon's trial extremely close that year as I struggled through a high-risk, life-threatening pregnancy. It was an extremely low, uncertain period in my life exacerbated by frequent hospitalizations, the brutal murder of Trayvon Martin, and the realization that I, my family, and my unborn child were not safe from racial violence. In fact, I myself had been a victim of excessive force by police officers seven years prior.
My pregnancy was marked by frequent instances of pre-term labor, symptoms of heart failure, and dangerously high blood pressure. It wasn't until late into my second trimester that my mother made a startling connection:
Every single time I watched the trial or allowed myself to get worked up by new developments in the case, I ended up being hospitalized. My physical symptoms were directly connected to the emotions the trial brought up in me.
She told me to turn off the TV and to block out the violence and negativity going on around me. "Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Watch comedies, eat the foods you enjoy. Don't expose yourself to negativity." Despite my initial resistance, I found that, surprisingly, my hospitalizations immediately ceased once I took her advice to heart.
This experience made me realize two things:
- The mind-body connection is incredibly strong, especially for empaths, introverts, and highly-sensitive people like me.
- People of color internalize trauma so deeply that we may not realize the effect it has on us, on our children, on our relationships, and on our physical and emotional well-being.
Studies show a direct link between being exposed to racial injustice and generational trauma. Stress hormones, susceptibility to anxiety and depression, and symptoms of PTSD, throughout history, have been passed down from traumatized Black mothers to their unborn children through the womb.
Renowned author and researcher Joy DeGruy has coined a term for this phenomenon: Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome. "Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome is a condition that exists when a population has experienced multigenerational trauma resulting from centuries of slavery and continues to experience oppression and institutionalized racism today." Healthline.com notes:
"For the Black community, the impact of centuries of unaddressed trauma still manifests today...being Black in America means living with chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) caused not only by one's lived experiences, but the experiences of our ancestors…"
Black people have been exposed to racial injustice and police brutality for centuries. But for the past eight years especially, since the brutal murder of Trayvon Martin and the wide availability of smartphones, coverage of these events has markedly increased. Much to our benefit, but also to the detriment of our physical and emotional health.
Exposure to graphic images of murder and death is adversely affecting our collective health. This is quite literally a public health crisis that isn't being adequately addressed.
Until it is, it's on us to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Here are 4 steps that you can take to off-set the dangerous effects of these traumatic events on your psyche and on your physical health:
1.Unplug
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Turn off your television. Take a break from Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. In fact, turn off your phone altogether. Limit your exposure to negative news, conversations and graphic violence. Our generation, more than generations prior, is subject to an "always on, 24-hour" news cycle that makes it difficult to turn away from what's trending in the news and on social media.
Studies show that our generation is experiencing "information overload" by the constant influx of news. This increased access is linked to an increased risk of depression.
2.Evaluate Your Feelings
It is normal to experience FOMO (the Fear Of Missing Out), but you don't have to know and publicly react to everything that's going on in the world. Often, when incidences of racial violence go public, there is a pervasive pressure to immediately issue a public reaction. There is a feeling that if you don't respond right away, you're not "woke."
Don't ever allow yourself to feel guilty about protecting your emotional and mental health.
Empaths and highly sensitive people need time to process traumatic events. This is especially true for empaths who absorb everyone else's feelings so deeply to the point where you may become confused about where your feelings end and someone else's begins! You need time to process your feelings and to determine whether or not you're actually carrying on the emotions of someone else or of society at large. Take your time.
Take a moment to connect with nature. Take a walk in the park. Run a bath. Allow yourself some solitude and the chance to clear your mind. Practice grounding exercises and carry dark crystals like Black Tourmaline and Black Obsidian to stave off negative vibes.
3.Think Critically
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Don't allow yourself to be so easily persuaded by what's being reported in the news, by social media influencers and by social media justice warriors. Some of these people and groups profit off of permanent outrage. The louder and the more outraged they sound, the more "woke" they seem, the more clout they get and the more followers they receive.
Be introspective. Reflect on whether or not the feelings you are experiencing are indeed your own, or if you are being influenced by performative outrage. The same adage about cutting off negative people, environments and situations also applies to the people and pages you spend time on on social media too!
Don't underestimate the impact social media has on mental health. Studies show that since social media first appeared on the scene in the early 2000s, rates of suicide, anxiety and depression have surged.
4.Don’t Bottle Up Your Emotions
Set an appointment with a therapist. Speak with a trusted friend. Pour your emotions out in your journal or through your preferred artistic medium like illustration, music, or dance. Allow yourself to deeply feel and experience the influx of emotions that you may not be able to express outwardly. Cry if you need to. Go somewhere private and scream at the top of your lungs. Allow yourself to fully experience the pain that these events inevitably bring. And then LET IT GO.
Don't allow stress and pain to live and fester inside of your mind and body. It will inevitably manifest in harmful ways.
Brutality against people of color has been embedded into the fabric of America since the days of our founding fathers. Instances of police brutality will likely continue until major systemic reforms are made.
Remaining mindful of the effects these events have on you can help you survive and prosper in the face of injustice and brutality against people of color.
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The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
Anyway, in my personal opinion, when it comes to sexual activity, there should also be etiquette that should be applied — you know, “rules of conduct” (or engagement) for how we should expect to be treated and how we choose to treat others. Because, even if you don’t hear about sex being presented in the form of needing to have manners, having a certain level of decorum, and/or requiring a mutual level of dignity, that should absolutely be the case.
And just like some of the lifestyle etiquette tips that I learned back in the day have stayed with me all of this time, it’s my hope that if you aren’t applying (or requiring) the following 10 sex etiquette suggestions (all 10 of ‘em too) that you will start…so that they will remain with you as well.
1. Discuss Sex-Related Things That Will Directly Impact Y’all’s Health
GiphyDoes even one day go by when someone on Instagram, X, or TikTok isn’t talking about why someone should or should not know another person’s body count (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”)? Although I have been known to say that the kind of things we’re proud of, we tend to brag about without hesitation, that doesn’t mean that I think people are owed that type of information.
That being said, that doesn’t mean I’m not aware that there is science to back up that the more sex partners men have, the more that they increase their chances for being diagnosed with cancer; that a higher amount of sex partners can impact whether or not you get married (and that it tends to lead to divorce more often as well), and that an uptick in partners can even increase your chance of becoming a substance abuser.
Not to mention the fact that, as Dwayne Wayne once said on A Different World episode (that featured a great performance by Tisha Campbell), “the longer the list, the greater the risk” (of contracting an STI/STD) — however, if we’re looking at this point from nothing more than a sexual one, really what someone deserves to know is if you’ve been tested for STI/STDs within the past 6-12 months and, if not, if you’re willing to get tested prior to having sex with them. Anything else really is privileged information and totally up to the individual to share — both directions too.
2. This Includes Afterplay. Beforehand.
GiphyChile. I can’t tell you how many times someone has told me that they found themselves either embarrassed or flat-out pissed about how a sexual experience went. It wasn’t because of the sex itself; it was more about how things were handled afterward. Now, if you’ve never seen the (wow) 35-year-old film When Harry Met Sally (Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan) before, there’s a scene where Billy Crystal’s character talks about men trying to figure out in their mind how long they should hold a woman after having sex with her.
To me, the modern version of this is after sex, when someone asks, “So, what are you about to do?” because that sounds like code for, “You ain’t got to go home but…” Listen, when two people have real feelings for each other and/or are in a long-term dynamic, this point is — or at least, should be — pretty irrelevant.
However, if you’re in a casual sex dynamic or a situationship, I promise you you're putting yourself in a position to “feel some type of way” if you merely assume that afterplay means cuddling all night long while he thinks it’s more like polite convo for 10 minutes and then bouncing (or vice versa). If you don’t want to be bedside blindsided, discuss beforehand how you each prefer to get down.
3. Ask Before Sexting
GiphyI don’t care if the two of you have never had sex before or if you’ve been doing it for a while at this point, but if sexting has never (pardon the pun) entered the chat, you both really should ask before you start sending NSFW stuff into each other’s devices. Some people don’t like it. Some people prefer to know when stuff like that is coming because they don’t want what is being said or shown to be exposed to those around them.
Some people prefer not to “shift gears” (as far as their energy field is concerned) when it comes to being in one mindset and all of a sudden receiving sex-related content that they weren’t prepared for. Believe it or not, there is data to support that the art of sexting can improve coitus overall. However, the same research says that it needs to transpire under the umbrella of mutual respect and clear communication. I agree 1000 percent.
4. No Means No. This Applies to Us Too, Ladies.
GiphyMedia culture can be so…irresponsible, sometimes. Since we’re talking about sex, specifically, today, take when it comes to men and sex. Contrary to popular belief, no, that is not all that they think about and no, they aren’t always in the mood — for a myriad of reasons. And that’s why, I think it also should go on record that just like it’s wrong for a man to try and push a woman past her “no,” women shouldn’t do it either.
It truly isn’t said enough that you shouldn’t simply call it seduction if a guy doesn’t want to and you keep trying to get him to anyway while defining it as coercion when the shoe is on the other foot. The saying “no means no” shouldn’t have a gender bias on it. Everyone should have their boundaries respected — at all times too. Full stop.
5. A Clean and Comfortable Scene
GiphyFresh bedding. A clean bathroom. A washcloth and towel for your partner. Flip-flops (to walk around and/or take a shower in). Lubricant. Bottled water. These are the kinds of things that immediately come to mind when I think of what should automatically come with someone spending intimate time in your home. It’s also what you should be fine with requiring should you choose to have sex at someone else’s house too.
Because even if there aren’t things like scented soy candles and a ton of ambiance, you and your partner at least need to feel like you both are in a space that is clean. This should be a hands-down non-negotiable, by the way.
6. Turn ALL Devices Off
GiphyI don’t know if this means that the sex is/was really wack or you’re just a phone addict in denial but if you are “one out of every five individuals” who checks their phone during sex, I’ve got a bevy of questions for you. SMDH. For this one, in general, though, I don’t have a lot more to say other than, I don’t know how anyone could think that checking their notifications during sex — any kind of sex — isn’t rude as hell and definitely a reason for someone to hard pass on wanting to “engage” with them ever again.
So yeah, for this one, let’s go with an automatic “all devices off” rule. Since most people only want sex to last somewhere between 7-13 minutes anyway (is that per round…or???), I’m pretty sure that whatever IG Live that you’ve been waiting on can wait. Goodness.
7. Have Your Own Stash of Condoms on Deck
GiphyAssuming that the guy should always bring the condoms is about as sexually irresponsible as a guy thinking that he doesn’t need them because the woman he’s about to have sex with should be on birth control. My point here is that you really need to have your own condom collection. One, so that you’re always prepared. Two, so that you can select the condoms that you prefer (most guys are totally fine with that). Three, no matter what you might think that it implies, mature folks get that it means you are serious about protecting your health and well-being.
And what if discretion is what you’re the most concerned about? No worries, there are all kinds of condom carriers out here that basically look like tiny wallets (for example, here).
8. Keep Cleansing Cloths Around
GiphyHygiene is important, is it not? Although going into graphic detail about it may be something that most people would want to avoid, sometimes sexual activity happens spontaneously with no bathroom close by. And listen, even if the movies act like (for instance) oral sex after getting all sweaty from dancing all night in the club is hot, my mind automatically goes to it being kinda gross. So, at least keep some rinse-free cleansing cloths on deck if you don’t want to wait until you can hop into a shower. A pack in your purse or glove compartment can go a really long way. Straight up.
9. Don’t Be a Show-Off
GiphyOne guy who I had sex with back when I was in college, I was so excited about — initially. At the time, he was fine, and then some mo’ fine. To be honest, although we were very cool and spent a couple of years on campus together before I — eh hem — indulged, the main reason why I wanted to sleep with him is because I thought that his looks were a preview of his performance level. Boy was I wrong. Any time I refer to our, umm, time together, I call it “Cirque du Soleil sex” and even that is being generous because that man was trying to put me into every twist and turn that he could in under 20 minutes.
It’s like he was trying to prove that he could hold it down…and all that ended up doing was backfiring — supremely so. Moral to the story here: sex should be about two people enjoying each other, not low-key trying to compete or “outdo” one another. Anyone who says otherwise is truly bringing poor form to the bedroom, whether they realize it or not.
10. Watch Your Words. Afterwards.
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, if sex with your partner was pretty much the equivalent of watching paint dry, it’s still important to be thoughtful about what you say. Lack of empathy, being inconsiderate of their feelings, talking to them in a way that would damn near cause you to blow a gasket (or melt into the floor) if they did the same thing to you — all of this files under hella rude behavior.
And while we’re here, please watch your body language — you know, heavy sighs, eye-rolling, stonewalling…if you don’t want to have sex with them again, that is totally your right; that doesn’t mean that you have to humiliate them in the present, though. You know, A LOT of people carry their ego in the bedroom — male and female.
That’s why I write articles like “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not” and “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed).” So, whatever transpires, try to be kind and compassionate. Karma shows up, even in the bedroom. Make sure it’s proud of how you handled yourself. One way or another, you’ll be glad that you did.
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Sex etiquette. As you can see, it’s a very real and necessary thing. I’m curious, though. When you get a chance, hop in the comments to share some other “copulation manners” that you think are important, along with how you handle matters when they are missing or go awry. Hey, when it comes to having better sexual experiences, we’re all in this together.
Kinda. Sort of. You know what I mean. LOL.
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