

Last week, fatherhood started trending on Twitter, provoking women everywhere to tear up a little - myself included. It all started when Iman Shumpert posted a picture of himself and daughterJunie, smiling and laughing for the camera. Immediately, fathers of Twitter followed suit, posting photos of themselves with their own daughters (and sons). I thought about my father, who was a part of my life as a child but has been mostly absent from my life. I thought about my son's father, who kisses his forehead and tells him he's "amazing" every chance he gets.
As black women, we have high hopes for fathers. Whether they are our own, or the men we choose to be fathers to our own children. Fathers impact us greatly, and as black women they can absolutely shape how we value ourselves - whether they are present our entire life or absent. Our parents determine how we will interact in intimate relationships for the rest of our lives. My mother taught me how to be a fiercely supportive friend. My father taught me how to be really hard on myself -
At some point, a man is going to affirm your physical beauty. He may even tell you what it's worth to him or attempt to speak for all men. You may not be asking for this affirmation, or perhaps you will be longing for it deep inside. That affirmation might come from a guy you meet at a party or a magazine ad created by male-dominated corporations or a JayZ song. Whether or not we like it, we are all impacted by what we feel when we look in the mirror. When you’re a black girl, and you are constantly told that you are insignificant - pretty can matter a lot.
The Other Kind of "Daddy Issues"
Last week, xoNecole posted this to Twitter:
Gabrielle Union, during an exclusive interview with xoNecole, described what she realized while standing in line to audition for a TuPac video in 1994:
“My self-esteem was so low that all I wanted was to be chosen [for a Tupac video]. For so many of us, we chase that and it isn’t necessarily just girls that weren’t raised with a father–my dad was there every day.”“He told me positive affirmations but my dad never said I was pretty. ‘That’s a great crossover’, ‘Nice jump shot’, ‘You’re so smart,’ but I was never validated for my looks. My parents thought that was the best route because you don’t validate young black girls for their looks; you validate them for their achievements.”
The reactions we received in response on Twitter and on Facebook ran the gamut. Some commenters through Gabrielle should just be happy she’s rich and famous. Others didn’t see the point of complaining about a fiercely present father just because he neglected to say, “you’re pretty”. Quite a few people felt confirmed that physical affirmation from their fathers was something they either needed but did not receive, or received with great appreciation.
Either way, two things were made extremely clear. Emotional needs are exclusive the individual and how they perceive support and even women raised with active fathers can have “daddy issues”.
Why Pretty Matters to Black Girls
Beauty is about empowerment and self-expression as well as defining yourself unapologetically. But, the reason this movement is so detrimental to our existence is because at some point, the wrong person told us we were pretty. And they probably told us we were pretty for the wrong reason.
So what happens when you are always affirmed for what you do but never for what you look like? There is a fine line between self-affirmation and needing your worth affirmed by others. Treading that line takes some very honest self-exploration.
So why is this element of parental support so important to - if not all black women - some black women? There are a few other statistics that come into play when it comes to how black women walk through this life. According to the Connecticut Alliance to End Sexual Violence, 40% of black women report coercive sexual conduct by the age of 18. Black women are also three times more likely to experience intimate partner violence. We are the least likely to make as much as our male counterparts in the corporate world. Black women face incredible challenges every day and confidence plays a part in how we deal with every single adversity. Confidence in our abilities and confidence in our attributes.
The Hard Truth About Black Women and Our Fathers
For Gabrielle Union, sexual abuse has played a major role in her life. She has been endearingly transparent about her own experiences shortly before the debut of Nate Parker's Birth of a Nation and more recently in her new book We're Going to Need More Wine which dropped this week.Regarding the damage that comes with surviving rape, perhaps knowing that she was more than an object that could be picked up and thrown back down by at will, just might have been circumvented by fatherly reassurance.
To say that Black women are not deeply affected by our interactions with the men in our life would be doing a disservice to our very evolution. We have come a long way, but it's also perfectly ok to want and need to feel pretty. It's ok to need to hear that from a man you trust and adore. It's also ok to decide you don't need that kind of outside confirmation at all. Ultimately we have to take ownership of what we want, need, never received or carry on without. Because believing your own worth is vital in the business of moving mountains.
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Synthetic Braiding Hair & Chemicals: What To Know & What To Do Next
When I was younger, one of my favorite hairstyles was cornrows. I would get them long (as long as mom would allow me to get) with beads on the end. To get the length I wanted, I would add synthetic braiding hair.
Just like many other Black women I know, going to the hair store with my mom or other family members to grab a pack of kanekalon braiding hair was the norm. As I grew up and advanced, so did the hair industry.
Now, when you go to the hair store you are inundated with all kinds of hair textures, colors, and more. That’s why it was so upsetting to read the latest report about synthetic braiding hair.
Delmaine Donson/ Getty Images
A Feb 27 Consumer Reports article revealed that most popular synthetic hair brands that are used for braiding have dangerous chemicals such as carcinogens, lead and volatile organic compounds (VOCs). The report stated that 10 of the brands were tested and all 10 had these chemicals. These brands included Shake-N-Go, Sassy Collection, and Sensationnel.
These chemicals include benzene, which is a carcinogen that has been linked to acute myeloid leukemia and unsafe levels of lead, which can cause kidney damage, brain damage, and cardiovascular problems in adults.
In children, it can cause brain and nervous system damage, learning disabilities, behavioral problems and even developmental delays.
James E. Rogers, PhD, director and head of product safety testing led the testing for synthetic braiding hair. “Our exposure and risk analysis found all nine products could expose a regular user of any of these products to a level of lead that could be concerning over time,” he said.
As shocking as this is, it also brought some clarity around why I’ve had issues with wearing braiding hair as of late.
Not only have I dealt with scalp irritation, I’ve even had breakouts on my back from the hair touching. Since then, I’ve started rinsing the hair with apple cider vinegar, and haven’t had that many issues. However, the report stated that ACV isn’t a “cure-all” and can potentially release harmful chemicals when rinsing the hair.
@javonford16 Replying to @Julianna Rebundle vid: @Javon Ford Beauty #blackhairstyles #braidinghair #blackgirlhairstyles @Consumer Reports
While the report sparked some outrage, chemist Javon Ford has a different view. In a TikTok video, he shared that the report was tested for oral exposure and not dermal exposure.
He showed a screenshot of an email he allegedly sent Consumer Reports questioning their decision to test this way. The email said, “the best model to use, in our view, is the ingestion model for the reasons given in the article.”
“While I understand they went with that model, I don’t agree with it because you’re not intentionally ingesting braids,” Javon said. The chemist also said that the amount of chemicals found in the brands is “conservative” compared to other types of products.
So what does this mean for us braid-wearers? If you still want to wear braids, but have some concerns, you can limit how often you wear them. Another option is wearing non-toxic braiding hair or plant-based hair. The only downside is that it's pricier than synthetic hair.
The Consumer Report also suggested checking for recalls, reading labels carefully, and reporting adverse effects. Hair isn’t regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, so it’s best to do your research when making purchases.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by AzmanL/ Getty Images