It's crazy out here. That's a full stop statement but today, what I'm specifically referring to is, when it comes to the dating scene. And if you're someone who is sick and tired (then tired some more) of dating the same kind of guy over and over…and over and over again, or you're simply tapped out of options of where or how to meet someone new at the moment, a very valid option is to let some of your friends set you up. Now before you pull out your phone to ask one of them "What's good?", there are a few points that I wanna hit first, just so, if you do decide to take this dating route, you and your friend are able to survive it.
So, if you're tired of online dating and/or you are finally ready to leave your ex (or exes) alone and/or you've already got a friend who's been hinting around about hooking you up, here are the things that you need to seriously consider before you let them play matchmaker in your life.
Does Your Friend Know Your Type?
One of the reasons why getting set up by my friends is a personal no-no for me is because, well, you should see how my birthday goes. I've got some pretty quirky taste, no doubt about that. So, these days, my peeps are more in the lane of, "Shellie, just tell us what you'd like and we'll cop it"—and I sincerely appreciate that. Indeed, it is one thing to think you know what someone would like vs. being absolutely sure. So when it comes to men, while I do have a bit of a type (most of us do), it's kind of multi-layered and hard to explain once you get past the, please be well over 6' and chocolate, if possible.
There's no time to get into my personal preference list, but what I will say, as it pertains to you is, if you're open to letting a friend set you up with someone, make sure they know at least the "surface layer" of what you're interested in/looking for. Not just physically, but the kind of ideals and values you're down with and even the type of dating situation you'd like to get into at this particular season and stage of your life. Because wouldn't it suck to meet a man who checks all of your boxes, only to find out he's a commitment-phobe six months down the road—and your friend had an inkling but thought that you could be the woman to change him around? Whew. Talk about a potential fall-out. We'll get more into that in a little bit, though.
What Kind of Connection Do They Have with Him?
Lawd. So much drama can be avoided in life if, we simply don't make assumptions about, pretty much anything. That said, if you've got a friend who's excited about hooking you up with someone, aside from processing how close you and said-friend are (check out "According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends" and "Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them"), there is nothing wrong with inquiring about their relationship with ole' boy too. Is he an ex? Were they ever intimate? Is he a relative (friends take it personally when things don't go well with someone in their bloodline)? If he's a co-worker or someone they go to church with, how well do they know the guy beyond just sharing the same space on any given day? Whatever the case may be, if they're presenting him to you as being so awesome, what makes him that way in their humble opinion?
There are people I personally know who hooked up a friend, simply on the basis of thinking that someone was a nice guy, only for him to turn out to be an individual who should've had a starring role in a Lifetime movie. The psycho guy didn't get blamed nearly as much as the friend did. So yeah, make sure that you've got a little bit of history on the relationship between your friend and "him" before agreeing to go out. It could shed some light on a few things that you wouldn't know otherwise.
Is This Their First Attempt?
If you want to see how the future will go, it can never hurt to look at the past. Case in point. I've got a family member who, every time they recommend someone to me, I'm looking at them, not side-eye but dead in the eye like, "Do you know me at all?!" There is absolutely no way that I would go out with anyone they suggested because 1) every single guy they think would be a good idea, I am not even remotely attracted to or interested in and 2) their own track record with their own relationships is less-than-stellar.
That second point? That too can play a role in whether you should let a friend set you up or not because, oftentimes, the mindset that a friend has when it comes to trying to connect you with someone tends to mirror the headspace they've been in when it comes to getting in their own relationships (or situationships).
For instance, love addicts are consumed with people being together—whether it's good, healthy or right—or not. So, if your friend is a love addict, they will probably want to hook you up, for no other reason than, they think everyone should always be in some sort of relationship. Plus, if they are a love addict, there's also a pretty good chance that they've either tried or did set you up before. And yeah—how did that go? Matchmaking ain't an exact science. Lord knows that it's not. But if you've already gone down this road with a friend of yours before, and things didn't go so well, you aren't being overly skeptical if you'd rather take a pass. Honestly, it could actually protect your friendship in the long run if you do.
Can It Be Something Casual Before Something…BIG?
So, what if this is your friend's very first attempt, you totally trust them, you've conveyed your type and the guy they're describing sounds like a good fit? What now? Well, unless you just adore blind dates (which kind of makes you a unicorn), who says that the initial set-up has to be some grandiose event? Something that can take the pressure off of, shoot, everyone who's involved, is if your friend has you and the guy over for brunch or dinner, or something casual along those lines. That way, it's not just you and him in the initial meeting, and you can get to know each other in a more casual setting. Then, if you both do hit it off on some level, the two of you can decide to take things further. Or, if there is no chemistry (whether that's one way or both ways), everyone can call it a day and go home with no drama.
Are Either of You Gonna Take the Situation Personally?
I know of a couple of matchmaking attempts that have worked out really well. Thing is, the person who did the matching up brags about it, every chance they get, even all years later. For the record, if there's anything to be proud of, it's bringing two people together, successfully. That still doesn't change the fact that there's some ego involved. And that's the last thing I'll say that you should keep in mind when it comes to letting your friend hook you up.
If only a couple of "light" dates occur and nothing materializes, that's not a big deal. But if the guy is an ass or you do end up dating and he graduates from ass to asshole or—God forbid—you end up being the one who hurts him, you and/or your friend could end up feeling some type of way. Super disappointed is one thing, but if it grows into hurt or pissed, that could affect your friendship in ways that you didn't quite predict. So yeah, also factor in your sensitivity levels as well as theirs. If you already feel in your gut that this could put more stress and strain on your relationship, either share that with them on the front end to see where their head and heart are at or, politely decline the offer. Then remember that the universe is huge. There are other ways to meet a man than through a friend. If it's meant to be that way, it needs to go smoothly. If it's not, let it happen another way—so that you and your friendship can remain intact.
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Anyone who remembers the movie (and sequel) isn’t shocked by that because those two had trust issues to the 10th power — and that’s kind of why I’m starting this article out by bringing them up. As far as what you should think long and hard about before getting all up in your partner’s phone, I’ve covered that before in the article, “Before You Go Through His Phone, You Should Know What The Law Says About It.” Today, though, let’s talk about whether or not it’s a good idea for you and your partner to follow each other on social media.
Because although you might think this is a “duh” kind of topic, it actually…isn’t.
Here’s What Data Says About Social Media and Relationships
GiphyLet’s start all of this with a brief social media history lesson.
If you’re someone who happens to remember the social media platform Six Degrees, I’m impressed because it’s considered to be the first solid evidence of social media; the real ones are going to recall that Black Planet made its way into cyberspace in 1999 (a couple of years after Six Degrees). By the early 2000s, we had MySpace, Friendster, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and even LinkedIn. Before we knew it, by 2015, at least 65 percent of Americans had at least one social media platform with almost 70 percent of them hanging out on Facebook alone. This meant that now, more than ever, folks had access to more information and individuals at one time than ever before — and as with most things in life, there were pros and cons to that.
Since today, what we’re focusing on is the impact that social media can have on long-term romantic relationships, I’ll share some of the downsides of it when it comes to things like marriage.
Whether it’s jealousy, insecurity, infidelity, having unrealistic expectations, making unfair comparisons, or even experiencing low-key paranoia, sadly, we are now at a point where some studies say that social media is a top issue (if not a main cause) in at least one-third of divorces (other studies say that social media significantly impacts one in seven divorces and a particular study even cited that Facebook plays a huge role in one in five divorces).
And although some of these situations can be debated based on what one’s personal perception is (for instance, one study says that 45 percent of Americans consider their partner following an ex on social media to be a form of infidelity), one thing that I think we all can agree on is social media has proven that it can complicate matters, as far as relationships go.
So, while keeping all of this in mind, what do research and relationship experts say when it comes to whether you should get a front-row seat to whatever may be happening on your partner’s social media pages?
Well, this HuffPost article features a woman who says that she and her man spend enough time together offline that engaging online isn’t really necessary. Independent’s article, “If you love someone, don’t follow them on social media” shares that social media can easily get you caught up in the “un-realness” of it all that your relationship could end up becoming a soap opera without you even noticing it.
A relationship expert who was featured in Men’s Health’s “Stop Following Your Significant Other on Social Media” article said that if your relationship already has some pressures and stress in it, social media isn’t going to do it any favors. Plus, it can negatively impact how two people in a relationship communicate with one another.
Hmph. Sounds to me like you and your bae following each other online seems like it could ultimately do more harm than good. And although this certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, I do think there are some things that you should really ponder before requiring this in your own relational dynamic.
Know Your WHY
GiphyWanna get to the root of why you want or are about to do something? Know your why. “Knowing your why” basically consists of figuring out the true motives and/or underlying reasons for why you’re about to say or do something — and when it comes to following your partner on social media, you should definitely spend some time contemplating this.
If you need a bit of help with figuring your true why out, in the business world, there is something known as “the five whys” (some use “5” instead). It’s basically about resolving a problem by asking enough whys that will help you to get to the root of it.
For instance, if I said to you, “Why do you think that you and your partner should follow each other on social media?” and you said, “Because I want to be aware of what they are doing on there,” then my next question would be “And why is that?” and if you said something like, “Because I trust my man but I don’t trust the strangers that he engages with” (if you trust him, that should be enough, by the way) and then I said, “And why is that?” and you say, “Because one time I went on his page and saw some comments from people that I didn’t know and it bothered me” and I say, “Why?” and you say, “Because it reminded me of a time when an ex cheated on me and I never really got over it” and I follow up with a fifth why, “And you say, because, deep down, I think all men are unfaithful” — BAM, we just got to the root cause of WHY you want to follow your partner and it actually has little to do with wanting to engage in some light online fun and entertainment.
Accepting that why can help you to work through some issues that you are putting on social media that actually don’t have a ton to do with it (or your partner) at all.
Now, am I saying that every person who follows “their person” online has some deep-rooted issues? Absolutely not. Some couples follow each other and don’t think any more about it beyond following any other person who they care about. All I’m saying is if you are unbending about doing it, you should look into what that is all about. Your “why” could be quite telling.
Social Media Could Possibly Jack Up Your Intimacy
GiphySomething that kind of irks me is when people say that social media is not the real world. Chile, being social is real and media is real, and if it was just play-play, why are so many folks so consumed with and by it? Just like there can be “fake folks” at your job, in your church, and even in your social circles offline, there can sho ‘nuf be disingenuous individuals out in the social media streets; however, that doesn’t mean that social media isn’t…REAL. And the reality is that people, on average, spend somewhere around 2.5 hours daily on social media.
And if one of the people who you are “checking for” online is your partner, that can waste precious time that the two of you could be spending together. It can also cause you to communicate more online than face-to-face. Don’t believe me? Chile, I can’t BELIEVE how many clients I’ve had who argue via text. SMDH. You can’t read tone in text. Messages are oftentimes abbreviated in text. Lawd, although text was created to be a “get to the point” convenience via cell phones, it was never supposed to replace authentic communication and dialogue about serious matters. And for some people, social media pretty much does the same thing.
Couples will “fight” on social media. Couples will throw passive-aggressive shots on social media. Couples will get mad at each other and then DM each other based on things that they saw on each other’s pages via social media. Does any of that sound healthy to you?
Another way that social media can mess your relationship up? Not too long ago, I was talking to an older married man about why divorce rates seem to be higher now than back in his day. He tickled me when he said, “We used to miss our spouses because we weren’t on the phone or on some damn computer interacting with each other all damn day long.” He’s got a point. If you’re engaging, one way or another, with your partner throughout the day, that could result in you having little to say once you get home. That’s not good.
Some other things to consider when it comes to being connected on social media: well, while reading an article on a legal mediator’s website about how social media can cause breakdowns in marriage, the author said that it can be due to things like unwarranted jealousy via comparing yourself to other people, trying to control your partner’s social media (or how they choose to engage in it) and/or misinterpretations that can cause conflict (like getting mad when they like a picture or misreading an emoji that someone puts in the comments).
Drama. All this drama that could be avoided if you both agreed to let social media be one thing separately so that the two of you can build a solid foundation and spend some genuine quality time offline.
When It Comes to Healthy and Long-Lasting Relationships, Privacy Is King
GiphyAnother reason to not follow your partner online: is to keep everything private. Think that isn’t a valid point? Well, Hip-hop artist Method Man has been married to his wife, Tamika for 24 years (this year) and he has said on multiple occasions that the key to marital success is not to talk about your relationship. Actor Morris Chestnut will celebrate 30 years of marriage in 2025 to his wife, Pam and he has also said that “It’s best to keep my private life under wraps because the more you put out there, the more stories get made up.” (Interestingly enough, he also once said that flirting on social media is a deal-breaker.)
Actor Kerry Washington has been married to her husband, Nnamdi Asomugha since 2013 and they are also notorious for not discussing their relationship. Reportedly, she once told Glamour, “I have girlfriends in this business who talk about their personal lives, and it works for them, and I love it. But not for me. I learned through experience that it doesn’t work for me to talk about my personal life.” And y’all, I don’t really get how privacy is effectively and consistently maintained if you and your partner are all up on and in each other’s social media all of the time.
Indeed, if you want to set (and maintain) healthier boundaries, keep outside influences down to a minimum, and reduce the amount of opinions, perceptions, and negativity from infiltrating your relational bond — privacy is king. Online as well as off.
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Chile, I already know — some of y’all read all of this and you’re not budging. LOL. You’re going to require that you and your partner follow each other on social media and that’s all there is to it. To each their own. I just hope that you at least now see that there is a method in the madness of opting not to do it and it could actually bring more peace to your relationship by choosing not to do so.
Besides, no one said that you need to block each other. I simply said to consider the benefits that come from them not popping up in your feed nonstop. I mean, you do have each other’s number and you are a huge part of each other’s lives, right? In a healthy and solid relationship, for many…that is more than enough.Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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