Sleep can be such a fickle thing. Even though most of us know that 6-8 hours of sleep is what we need in order to function properly throughout the day—if it's not our schedules, it's stress. If it's not stress, it's hormonal shifts. If it's not hormonal shifts, it's feeling uncomfortable. If it's not feeling uncomfortable, it's being restless. Lawd. In many ways, getting a better night of sleep, consistently so, is a bit like walking a tightrope…although it doesn't have to be.
If something that you would like, more than ever right about now, is to get more peaceful zzz's in, you might be in luck. If there is one thing that I'm gonna do, pretty much on a regular basis, it's get some good sleep in. And if you're looking to learn how to get better sleep, the 15 hacks below have all played a role in making that happen.
1. Get the Right Pillows
I've got a friend who once said something so funny to me when it comes to his approach to disciplining children. He said, "Why spank them when you can just take their pillows away? Ever slept without one before? It's hell." Me? I'm the kind of person who probably has too many pillows on my bed, so I can only imagine what putting my head directly on a mattress, all night long, would feel like. I do know a bad pillow is filled with tossing and turning episodes. So yeah, I'm gonna lead this article with the recommendation to get the right kind of pillows to sleep on.
First, ponder if you are a back, side or stomach sleeper (stomach sleeping isn't good for you, by the way. It does reduce snoring; however, it also puts more strain on your neck and back). You can check out a list of some of the best pillows for your favorite positions here.
Also, make sure you know when it's time to replace the pillows that you've already got. What are some telling signs? If you've had them for more than a couple of years; if you experience neck pain in the morning; if when you fold them over, they don't return to their original shape, and/or you wake up feeling like you're having an allergy attack (this usually means you're taking in dust mites), it's time to move on and get some that are brand spanking new.
2. Get a Cooling Mattress Pad While You’re at It Too
I don't know about y'all, but I HATE sleeping when I'm hot. That's why I'm all about sleeping naked and I'm thrilled about having a cooling mattress pad. See, even if you fall asleep feeling pretty comfortable, it's not uncommon to wake up in the middle of the night feeling either really hot or even sweating some. This happens because our body tends to change temperatures throughout the nighttime hours. Something that can help to prevent this from becoming a problem is putting a cooling mattress pad on your bed. Another benefit with this kind of pad is it can extend the lifespan of your mattress (you should cop a new mattress every 6-8 years, by the way). If you don't already own one and you'd like to look into making this particular investment, you can check out the pros and cons of some pretty popular brands here.
3. Put Yourself on a Sleep Schedule
Isn't it crazy that most of us have our kids on a sleep schedule so that they can get a good night's rest and yet, when it comes to us, we don't follow suit? A sleep schedule is important, not just because it can ensure that you receive the 6-8 hours, every night, that your body needs, it also helps to "train your mind" to fall asleep (and wake up) at a particular time.
This isn't just my opinion either; science strongly backs this up. So, if you're someone who goes to bed at midnight sometimes, 10 p.m. sometimes or when you're super exhausted, at 8, and you're wondering why you are always tired or dragging, try setting a firm time for a couple of weeks and see if that helps you out. I'd be shocked if it doesn't. By the way, you can test out some cool sleep tracking apps here.
4. Eat Light at Night
Something that I have a bad habit of is eating too heavy or much at night. Because I spend a lot of time writing, sometimes the day gets away from me and I actually have dinner at 8 or 9 when it should be more like 6 or 7 and definitely a meal that's on a lighter side than steak and a salad. The reason why going lighter is better is because, when you go to bed on a full stomach, your body has to work that much harder to digest your food which can disrupt your sleep patterns.
Matter of fact, some scientific research says that going with a big breakfast and lunch and having something super light for dinner is really your best bet (especially if you want to burn fat in the process). You're grown. You're gonna do what you wanna do. Still, if dinner is your biggest meal of the day, maybe go with it being breakfast or lunch instead and see if that changes anything. For the better.
5. Nix All Coffee and Alcohol at Night Too
I'm thinking that it makes pretty clear sense why you should leave java (and all forms of caffeine) alone in the evening. Since caffeine is a stimulant, it's the last thing that you need when you're trying to catch some zzz's. Matter of fact, it's actually recommended that your last cup should be somewhere around 2 p.m. As far as alcohol goes, while a nice glass of wine may feel soothing initially, there's a clear reason why it's pretty problematic. Alcohol has a way of interrupting REM sleep (REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement and it's one of the five stages of sleep that your body goes through) which can lead to all sorts of sleep disruptions. This is why folks who drink at night oftentimes think that they are battling insomnia when really, the alcohol is what's doing them in.
6. Sip on Some Decaf Green Tea (Two Hours Before)
So, what should you consume in place of coffee or alcohol? Green tea is a cool option. The catechins (antioxidants) in it contain strong medicinal/healing properties. The amino acid theanine that's also in it will reduce stress and promote a good night's rest. Just make sure that you go with the kind that is decaf (for obvious reasons) and that you have your final cup about two hours before turning in. Otherwise, all of that drinking could have you getting up in the middle of the night—and if you're anything like me, that could make it hard to fall back asleep (which totally sucks).
7. Rub the Soles of Your Feet with CBD or Lavender Oil
Let me tell you what has totally changed my life for the better when it comes to sleep quality—rubbing CBD oil or lavender essential oil onto the soles of my feet. CBD oil is bomb because there's scientific evidence to support that it decreases anxiety, reduces stress levels and is even good for pain management. Lavender oil? Because it contains anti-inflammatory and analgesic properties, it's great when it comes to soothing sore or aching feet. Plus, it's got a calming scent and sensation that is pretty incomparable.
What I typically do is mix one of these oils with a carrier oil like sweet almond or grapeseed and rub my feet down for about 10 minutes before turning in. The reason why I prefer my feet is because oils absorb faster on that part of the body. Plus, since feet have 72,000 nerve endings, it's able to reach a ton of different cells, all throughout my system. Yours too. How dope is that?
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8. Have a Banana
If you're someone who's just gotta have a snack before turning in, how about a banana? Not only is it the kind of fruit that contains a good amount of tryptophan (more on that in a sec), it's also a good source of potassium and magnesium. Potassium aids in sleep because it helps your nerves and muscles to get on the same page so that you're better able to relax. Magnesium is awesome because it helps to regulate your body's stress-response system. Not only that but studies show that people who have some sort of a magnesium deficiency typically experience higher amounts of stress and anxiety. So, the more you've got, the calmer you'll be.
9. Or Snack on Some Other Forms of Tryptophan
If you've ever wondered exactly what tryptophan is and why it tends to make you so sleepy, the brief breakdown is it's the kind of amino acid that goes from the digestive system to your brain and then turns into a chemical known as serotonin which aids in making you sleepy so that you can rest. That's why, another hack that you might want to try, is snacking on some foods that are high in tryptophan (or eating a light dinner with foods that contain it). Some of those include milk, cheese, nuts, oats, chicken, turkey, canned tuna, seeds, soy and eggs.
10. Turn Down Your Thermostat
Once you're ready to shut your house down for the rest of the night, make it a point to turn down your thermostat. As far as what the temperature should be, I've read everything from 62 to 68 degrees, so somewhere around there. Since it's cooler at night outdoors, this should actually cut your energy costs down. And, it's another way to keep your body from overheating before sunrise.
11. Do Some Yoga
Since yoga is a meditative form of exercise, it should come as no surprise that it's a pretty great sleep hack. In fact, quite a few yoga practitioners vouch for the fact that it can help you to sleep and definitely can decrease your stress levels. The deep breathing can relax you. The mindfulness can increase your melatonin (a natural hormone that helps you to rest) levels. And exercise is always great at providing more intense rest. So, if yoga is something that you've been considering but still haven't tried, this is just one more reason to follow through on your plans.
12. Write Your To-Do Lists an Hour Before Turning In
Isn't it interesting that when it comes to learning how to live in the moment, a lot of us don't take this pearl of wisdom into account when it comes to resting? Going to bed worrying about what is going to happen the next day is going to do us a bit of good when it comes to getting a good night's rest.
Besides, when you're well rested, you are far more equipped to handle what is to come anyway. That's why it's always a good idea to write down your to-do list—in order of importance—no less than a couple of hours before going to sleep. It's an exercise that says, "I'm done for today. I'll tackle tomorrow…tomorrow."
It really can shout your overthinking down, so that you can relax so much easier.
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13. Also, Write Down Five Things from the Day That You’re Thankful For
Another writing exercise that can be really beneficial is to take out 10 minutes or so to jot down five things, from each day, that you're thankful for. Believe it or not, expressing feelings of gratitude is an effective way to release toxins in your system, lower your cortisol (stress) levels and relax your muscles and nervous system. Plus, it helps you to keep things in perspective; especially on what felt like a really bad day.
14. Put in Some Ear Plugs
I'm someone who either prefers total silence or the ASMR sounds of rain. If you can relate, you might want to get yourself some ear plugs. Oftentimes, even though we're asleep, our brain is still catching all of the sounds around us which can actually prevent us from sleeping as soundly as we like or even need. And so, ear plugs are what can get us as close to silence as possible. That said, the main red flags are 1) if you're a single parent (especially with a young child), this probably isn't the wisest hack and/or 2) you've got to clean your ear plugs on a regular basis. Otherwise, the wax build-up could cause a hell of an ear infection. Anyway, some of the best earplugs for sleeping can be found here.
15. Unplug an Hour Before
One more. A couple of years ago, I wrote the article, "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down." for the site. When you get a chance, check it out, because there are many reasons why surfing the 'net on your phone or laptop right before turning in will totally wreck your sleep patterns. For starters, the blue light on your screens inhibits the production of melatonin which makes it harder for your body to relax. Whatever is on your electronic devices, they will be right there, waiting on you, come morning.
Make it a practice to sign off at least an hour before bedtime. Write your gratitude list. Catch up on a chapter of a book. Deep breathe and chill. Your brain has been looking at screens all day long. In order to get some rest, turn those suckers…off.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Let me take you to a place nice and quiet. There ain’t no one there to interrupt, ain’t gotta rush. I just want to take it nice and slow. If you don’t know the source of those song lyrics — chile, I don’t know what to tell you because, as far as your customized sex playlists go, it should definitely be somewhere on one of ‘em. And when it comes to what we’re going to unpack, just a bit today, that is definitely the first jam that came to my mind.
Sex. Sex that is nice and slow. It’s the absolute best. Or is it?
Now, if you’re already thinking that I must be buggin’ to even question that, let me first state that sex and foreplay are not the exact same thing. By definition, foreplay is what transpires prior to actual intercourse — the prelude, if you will. As far as how long that should be, quite a bit of research says that 20 minutes is what most women prefer (you can read about that here, here, and here). Okay, but after the warm-up session, is it more satisfying for things to take a shorter (fast) or longer (slow) amount of time? And yeah, what about all of the thrusting? What does science say the speed of that should be as well?
I think it goes without saying that when it comes to sexual satisfaction, “to each his or her own” should be the mindset and motto (check out “I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life” while you’re at it).
Still, if you’re curious about what research and data say about fast vs. slow sex, I’ve got a bit of intel that just might surprise you.
This Is What Science Says “Fast Sex” Is
hurry GIFGiphyFast: moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; done in comparatively little time; taking a comparatively short time: fast work
Okay, so question: When it comes to sex, when you think of it going fast, what’s the movement that immediately comes to your mind? If it’s thrusting, that tracks because, after all, how would penetrative copulation be able to transpire without it? Well, when it comes to thrusting — and more specifically, the pace/speed of it — guess who prefers it to be faster?
If you thought men…you actually thought wrong, chile.
According to a popular survey that was published several years back, although a little over half of both male and female participants stated that they would like “an even split” between fast and slow-paced sex, almost 32 percent of women said that they prefer faster thrusting while a mere 20 percent of men agreed (interesting, right?). It should also go on record that (surprise, surprise) the over-35 crowd is who preferred slower sex the most along with those who actually had a deeper emotional connection with their partner (also, not shocking — more on that in a bit).
And while women preferring faster sex may seem odd on the surface, I venture to say not so much if you factor in how many absolutely enjoy vibrators these days — and honey, it’s A LOT of y’all because it would appear that at least 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy. And since masturbation to the point of orgasming apparently takes under five minutes (it would also appear that most women prefer to do this around 9 p.m., by the way) and, reportedly, sex toys can help you to climax faster and longer — it’s no wonder that those devices are all the rage these days.
And you know what? All of this is playing out to look like if an “efficient orgasm” truly is the (ultimate) goal, taking a short amount of time doesn’t bother (many) women in the least; in fact, most women prefer it. And that alone is why it shouldn’t be surprising that many women would prefer faster sex because — have you seen how quickly those damn rabbits move? Basically, so long as some actual sexual stimulation is transpiring, the faster, the better.
Ah — so perhaps what also needs to be factored in is women who can orgasm from penetration alone (which continues to not be a ton — check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) are probably fonder of faster sex. Why? Well, the more that their G-spot is directly stimulated, the easier it is for them to “see the mountaintop” — and so, if their partner took his time long enough for them to be “ready to receive him” (check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.”), the thrusting — even the fast thrusting — will be pleasurable instead of uncomfortable. Yep, it makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s the timeframe of sex. To tell you the truth, “fast” wins out in that department as well because the average time for the most desirable type of intercourse? It’s been widely reported that it’s somewhere between 7-13 minutes. A GQ writer collected X (formerly known as Twitter) data from almost 2,400 people about five years ago and 61 percent of them said that they like penetration to last between 5-10 minutes (only 26 percent wanted it to go over 11 minutes).
Hmm…so while throwback R&B singer Lilo croons about wanting to make love all night long (if you know, you know), it looks like more women are actually on some Miguel “Quickie” (well…kind of…LOL).
So, where does slow sex fit into all of this? Yes, let’s touch on that.
This Is What Science Says “Slow Sex” Is
sexy make love GIF by SatisfactionGiphySlow: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity; characterized by lack of speed; taking or requiring a comparatively long time for completion
Now, I already shared that one study stated that people over 35 and those with a deeper emotional connection reportedly enjoy slower sex more than anyone else. From strictly a health angle, a part of that may be because, with age, comes things like delayed ejaculation for men and, for women, the shift/drop in sex hormones (during the later stage of perimenopause, in menopause and post-menopause) can make it more difficult to orgasm (or experience the same type of intensity of one).
Aside from that, though, pretty much every article that I read on the benefits of slow sex had more to do with the mental and emotional side of the sex than the physical benefits. For instance, slower sex makes (more) room for eye contact, being able to enjoy more intimate time with your partner, and you to get more creative (or romantic — check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”). Then there’s the relevant point that slower sex encourages you to be more mindful (meaning, “in the moment” — check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”).
Also, many experts believe that slower sex is what can help to close the orgasm gap because it encourages men to slow down (since they can orgasm way quicker and easier than most women) and “wait” for their partner to “get on the same page,” climax-wise, as them.
Now, I will say that I found some data that stated that many people don’t prefer intercourse to go over 30 minutes because then it can start to feel a bit uncomfortable (for both the man and the woman), so that’s a point off for slower sex, for sure.
So, this reads to be that slow sex is great sex on a connection tip, not automatically or necessarily a peak-of-physical-pleasure one…because, again, we’re not talking about foreplay (or afterplay, for that matter); we’re talking strictly intercourse here.
Okay, So Which One Is Better?
GiphyAight, so now that you have all of this science-backed information to ponder over, what are your thoughts? Did you go into this assuming that surely slower sex is best — yet now you see that some pretty solid points about faster sex have been made? Maybe you never looked at fast sex this way because you never “separated” foreplay from actual sex — now that you do, perhaps fast sex doesn’t warrant the eye rolls that you used to give it. Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t wired to enjoy sex unless it’s slower because a deep emotional connection must be present for you to enjoy sex at all.
To me, when I think of “better,” I think of something being more satisfying, and, strictly, from a scientific standpoint, it does look like more foreplay first and faster sex second is the winning combination.
That said, though, I honestly believe that the greater focus needs to be that paces are “in sync” because, if your partner is fast and you are slower (or vice versa), that probably makes for the most “womp-womp-womp” sexual experience of all.
I also believe that if you got no other takeaway from all of this — DO BOTH. Don’t turn your nose up at fast sex (including quickies) and make time to connect with your partner…because even if you don’t always cum from slower sex, the emotions that are shared can still make it a truly wonderful experience.
Finally, share this with your partner. See what he has to say. It might be time for him to separate foreplay and sex, for a more satisfying experience for all parties involved (just sayin’).
At the end of the day, again, doowutchyalike (the real ones know) — just don’t knock what science says about it all…because what you may have turned your nose at, with a bit of tweaking, it could quickly because your all-time fave. No pun intended. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy