Maybe two years old was a little too young to learn about sex. Yet, I was that age when Janet Jackson released "The Pleasure Principle" in 1986. Years later, the song's message would resonate with me: Women are entitled to experience enjoyment and satisfaction in the bedroom. It's our fundamental right!
In a male-centric society, women's rights are often culturally suppressed or legally denied. Consider the different responses to a male versus a female when each has had many sexual partners. Most likely, the male was groomed to carry condoms to protect himself and was patted on the back for his conquests. Meanwhile, a female is made to take birth control and warned against becoming a "hoe."
In 2019, Alabama made headlines for creating a law denying women the right to get an abortion even if the pregnancy was a result of incest or rape. This implies that these mothers-to-be will be responsible for child-rearing while being constantly reminded of the circumstances surrounding the child's conception.
How then could a woman feel empowered to enjoy sex?
I mean, let's not talk about sexual pleasure for black women! It is unthinkable that we would desire anything other than being objectified for coins. Still, I feel like a unicorn when I say that I have experiences as scandalous as Rose in the film Titanic and as romantic as Allie's in The Notebook on a regular basis.
Part of my liberal mindset when it comes to sex is due to my upbringing. From an early age, my mother taught my sister and I about prioritizing our pleasure first because "no matter what, he's going to get his." Meanwhile, my G-Ma---her mother---taught us all the things about vaginal health and hygiene using language our teachers would be terminated for (or be caught on video and become a controversial viral social media post).
Though my mom and G-Ma did not shy away from discussing anatomy and sexuality at the table, I did not fully embrace prioritizing pleasure until working with a private yoga client who did adventure therapy. In between poses or as she came out of the final deep relaxation pose (savasana), she would make remarks such as:
"I deserve this!"
"That was yummy!"
"I like how my body felt in that (pose)!"
Not only did she emphasize which positions sparked joy with a sound of relief or vibrant smile, but she also acknowledged moments of discomfort. She would pause to explain where she was experiencing sensations. From there, I would either offer props or move to the next posture.
What would happen if our partners did the same thing?
What if they listened attentively to what is enjoyable and unpleasant, and they make adjustments from there? The thought of communicating your needs can be daunting, and if you're not used to speaking up in the bedroom, your mind may be overwhelmed by thoughts such as:
"Maybe they would be offended."
"Did I just kill the vibe?"
"Am I wrong for wanting to enjoy this as much as they do?"
No, you are not. Let me tell you that it is possible for you and your partner to have enjoyable experiences by understanding the principles of pleasure. As I mentioned earlier, it is your fundamental right to enjoy sex. Was that hard to hear? Let me say it louder for the people in the back:
You are allowed to enjoy sex!
Now, don't confuse this with Freud's pleasure principle in which you seek urgent sexual fulfillment like a newborn screaming for food. Instead, it is a call for you to responsibly explore what feels good to you.
Before you and your partner jump in the sheets or make love in the shower, ponder the following:
- Learning to accept your whole self as you are leads to a good time and freedom to explore.
- Pleasure is not one-size-fits-all. What you enjoy with one may not be enjoyable with another.
- Discussing how you came to understand sex can help to decipher anything puzzling in the bed.
- Don't fake the orgasm. Think twice before you try to "tap out" because your body won't hide it.
- Savor sex through prolonged exploration of positions over time. It's not a race. It's a marathon.
- Resolve conflicts first. Sex is only the cherry on top of a good relationship. It is a poor sustainer of a broken one. (Don't ask me how I know.)
If you or your partner still feel uncomfortable, consider seeing a medical or mental health professional to help you work through underlying issues. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your partner. Whatever it is, it's up to you to define your principles of pleasure for yourself.
Featured photo by Shutterstock.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak