If you live on this planet long enough, hopefully you'll come to realize (and then accept) that one of the hardest lessons life will teach you is what it means to have friends and what it means to be a true friend. I promise you that it wasn't until, shoot, probably my mid-30s when I came to the conclusion that, "Ohh…so this is what a real friendship is supposed to be like. Who knew?!" A part of the reason why I struggled so much was because the way we are introduced to things can set the tone for what we expect in the future and my first so-called friend? Lord, can you say "she-devil"? I ain't playin' either. She was all kinds of evil. But we were children and, a lot of times, parents will push kids together, just so they can be left alone to talk about grown folks stuff while they are hanging out with their own friends and whatnot. So, no matter how much she teased me, taunted me, was straight-up mean to me, I thought that was what friendship was supposed to be like. This meant that anyone who was even one-tenth nicer, I thought they were the best person ever. Hmph. One day, sooner than later, I'll write about why you should not just "allow friendships to happen"—why it is oh so important to be super intentional about actually selecting your friendships (in the meantime, see "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'").
But today, what I want to get into, is something else that I've discovered about friendship. It's something that can help you to feel safe in your relationships. It's also something that will prevent you from being disillusioned, disappointed or flat-out mind blown as much as we can sometimes be in our friendships. You know, last summer, I penned a piece about how the Greek philosopher Aristotle once said that all of us should have three kinds of friends—utility (work), pleasure (fun) and good (basically friends who "grow us up") ones. I totally agree. Well, as someone who applies Scripture, quite a bit, to my life, because the Bible refers to our bodies as temples (I Corinthians 6:19) and also because, back in the Old Testament, the actual temples/tabernacles were broken up into three parts (which I'll break down in just a moment), I'm going to share why I also think it's important to consider that all friendships should not be treated equal.
Coming to the place of embracing that friendships have actual "levels" has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me—and my relationships with other people.
Outer Court: Good Acquaintances
Let me start all of this off by saying that if we first see ourselves as temples—as sacred beings—that can automatically alter our dynamics with folks. To be sacred is to be divine and divine things deserve to be treated with extreme reverence. Keeping that in mind, back in biblical times, the temples/tabernacles that people would go into were broken down into three different spaces: the outer court, the inner court and the most holy place.
As far as the outer court is concerned, one of the things that made it stand out are the many pillars that the temples/tabernacles had. Pillars provide strength and support to a building; to a certain extent, pillars also serve as barriers. If I were to parallel this to actual relationship with people, to me, this would be like having a close acquaintance. By definition, an acquaintance is someone who knows you (not because they say so but because you say so) but they aren't the closest to you. You and your acquaintances might have lunch together sometimes at work or meet up for drinks after because you enjoy each other's company or you have a few things in common. They might even be someone who you confide in when it comes to certain areas of your life, perhaps because you respect their level of expertise, you see them as a mentor or you don't want particular details of your life "hitting too close to home" via your family members and friends.
Acquaintances are cool because you enjoy them, you really do, but there still need to be certain boundaries and barriers up where they are concerned. It's not that they aren't good people; it's simply that before someone can even be considered a friend, other things have to transpire first.
Inner Court: Close Friends
When it came to the inner court, some biblical scholars say that the outer court was a designated space for praise while the inner court was a designated space for worship. As it relates to God, specifically, a good definition of worship is "to render religious reverence and homage, as to a deity". However, did you know that another definition of the word is "to feel an adoring reverence or regard for (any person or thing)"? While I don't recommend that anyone "worship" someone else (that can set you up to make them an idol in your life), I am a strong advocate for you being in relationships where you are highly regarded.
When someone regards you, they pay close attention to you. When someone regards you, they are concerned about you, your needs and your overall well-being. When someone regards you, they are careful with your feelings, they are truly interested in your world and they take special note of what they can do to make the quality of your life better.
Articles that I've written like "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'", "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships", "10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins" and even "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend" are all the result of the blood, sweat and tears that I went through in order to figure out who truly regarded me and who didn't. Not only that but who I truly regarded and who I didn't. This "level" of friendship is for the folks who are truly invested and committed in your life. No one deserves access to your inner court until they have shown—in word and in deed—that they can be trusted, that they are loyal and that they are interested in giving just as much as they want to receive. No one should see your inner court "just because". They definitely need to earn this type of access.
Most Holy: Best Friend/Spouse
While recently reading an article on the most holy space of biblical temples and tabernacles, I liked it when the author said, "To understand these places, it will help if we first understand the concept of 'holy.' At its most basic meaning, holy simply means 'set apart' or even 'different.' God is holy because He is absolutely different, completely set apart from everything else." Amen. Your most holy space is also "set apart" and "different"; it's highly-privileged information. It's kind of another message for another time, but that's why I'm not big on casual sex. Just because the dynamics of the situation may be different, that doesn't change the fact that a man has been able to literally enter into "the holiest of holies". Not just anyone should know you in that way. You're far too special, precious and yes, sacred for that.
As far as friendship goes, I liken the most holy place to a best friend or spouse. One day, I'll write about why I'm a huge fan of that being one in the same once you're married (the word "best" in best friend can give you a clue in the meantime).
For now, I'll just say that your best friend and/or your spouse should definitely have a different kind of access to you than anyone else does; they are the top tier level in your life.
You know, back in the Old Testament of the Bible, when a person entered into the most holy place of a place of worship without God's permission, the consequence was super extreme; it was death (Leviticus 16:2). That's how special that space was. So many times in my life, when a friend would hurt me, I'd be absolutely devastated. Looking back, it wasn't really because they were all that great as people or good to me. It was because I allowed them into my "most holy place"—my intimate secrets, my most fragile vulnerabilities, my most valuable of resources—when they absolutely and most definitely did not deserve it. How did I heal? What changed? I learned to stop giving outer court, inner court or folks who didn't deserve my temple space at all the permission to come into those spaces and places. It's as simple as that. At this stage and season in my life, I've got a couple of "most holy friends" and they don't even have the kind of accessibility that I am reserving for my future husband. Knowing that I control my "levels" and no one else is both empowering and healing at the same time.
It can't be said enough. Sis, you are a divine temple. You don't have to—nor should you—allow just anyone to be in your outer or inner court, let alone your most holy space. Each level requires a certain type of character, commitment and reciprocity from an individual. Don't let folks in who aren't worthy. You are far too sacred for that. Make sure that they level up first, OK? It'll totally change your life—and quality of friendships—if/when you do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Is It Time To Initiate A 'Friend Divorce'?
How To Deal With You And Your Friends' Growth Spurts
Pettiness, Moodiness & Other "Friendship Irritants" To Work Through
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RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
