Life is interesting. The very day that I sat down to pen this piece, one of my favorite YouTube channels, The Skin Deep, premiered a new episode between two friends—Lafi and Eboni. When it comes to the topic that's at hand, I don't know if growth spurts can get any more extreme than one friend who is a new mom and the other friend who is currently transitioning from female to male. And here's the thing, y'all—no matter what your personal feelings are on transgenderism, I still think the episode is worth watching—and pondering. One reason is because it's clear that the love and loyalty between these two individuals are rock solid. Second, I believe that their personal and friendship journey beckons us all to ask the question, "What would we do if a friend of ours made a significant life change?" Deeper still, "What would we do if they made a decision that we either couldn't relate to or perhaps didn't personally agree with?"
The interesting thing about the word "growth" is increase and development can mean different things to different people. So, while you're trying to maintain a friendship with someone who may define growth in a way that is different from your own, how do you discern the differences between growing together and growing apart?
As I watched the entire episode, one of the questions that I really liked was, "How has your love changed for me over time?" It served as a reminder that none of us are the same from five years ago; we'll also be different five years from now. As you're trying to balance how to maintain your friendships in the midst of you and your friends' growth spurts, here are some tips to help you both keep your connection intact.
Know That Growth Spurts Are Completely Normal
I know, right? When it comes to the world that we live in, what does "normal" even mean? I am going with that word from the angle of growth being a standard—it is a standard for all of us to experience things that will result in us expanding, evolving and, hopefully maturing. When those things transpire, we change. As we change, our relationships change.
One of the closest people to me, when we first met, we used to spend hours on the phone, talking about basically everything and nothing. But less than a year into our relationship, she got engaged. A few months after that, she got married. We then went from always being on the phone to constantly emailing one another. After the birth of her first child, emailing got a lot less too. As her life has shifted, we've had to come up with "new normals" in order for us to still nurture our relationship. Our friendship serves as a constant reminder that, if you live long enough, folks meet new people and cultivate relationships that alter their lifestyle. It can take some real getting used to but still, it is very normal.
Accept That Growth Spurts Are Oftentimes Uncomfortable—and Unpredictable
My youngest godchild is about to enter the cutting teeth stage of her development. We can tell because, for the most part, she's a pretty chill baby. But right through here, she's sleeping more and she's also more irritable than usual. The good news is she's about to get her first set of teeth. The sucky part is she's on the way to having a few months of pain.
Most of us want our friends to thrive in life. But when someone decides to start their own business, move to a new city (or country), take their relationship to another level, totally switch career paths, embark on doing things that will be better for their physical and/or psychological well-being—while the transitions are necessary, that doesn't mean that all of the newness doesn't take some real getting used to. In the midst of the growth, some things are going to be uncomfortable and unpredictable.
So, you know what that means. If your friend already doesn't know how to feel about what they are going through, they aren't going to be the best at offering up tips on how to help you adjust to their adjusting. The key is to remember that, just like teething, growth spurts come in waves; things won't be all topsy-turvy and disheveled forever. Try and be calm, supportive and not super sensitive. Things may be a little "weird" right now, but this too shall pass.
Also Accept That They Rarely Happen in Sync with Each Other
Remember how I said that a part of what comes with friendship is learning how to know the differences between when you are growing together or apart? It's my personal belief that some of us put unnecessary strain on our friendships because we don't factor in growth spurts into the dynamic. If you just took a job out of state and your BFF takes a new career path that has demanding hours, that doesn't automatically mean that the two of you are growing apart; it may just mean that you both need to be more intentional about making sure that you schedule time to catch up. If another friend of yours recently had a religious experience that altered their perspectives and perhaps even their value systems and, at the same time, you had a different type of spiritual awakening that changed you too, it doesn't mean that you both can't still coexist—you both just need to remember to respect one another's path and be open-minded to where you both are…now.
Some people end friendships that honestly could've went the distance if they had simply realized that, although they changed individually, that didn't mean that the friendship was doomed. It simply meant that the love and mutual respect that they shared had to make room for the friendship to transition a bit. That both individuals still need one another—just maybe in different ways than they did in times past.
Know That Patience and Open Communication Are Required
I've shared before that one of my all-time relationship-related quotes is, "People change and forget to tell each other." At this stage in my life, there are only a handful of people who I've been friends with since the turn of the century. My pregnancies changed me. Heartbreak changed me. Leaving corporate America to be a full-time writer changed me. Leaving the denomination that I grew up in changed me. Learning how to set some freakin' boundaries changed me. Letting go of toxic family members and releasing counterproductive friendships changed me. I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist.
As I think back on all of the changes, and the people who have rocked with me throughout each of them, I know for a fact that we wouldn't have made it through if it hadn't been for their patience ("the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like") and commitment to listen to my needs as I gave them the stage to offer up their own as I was going through all of my transitions.
Real talk, some friends fall out because one or both people become impatient as they witness their friend's changes. But what my friends have shown me is when the love, loyalty and commitment are there, so long as the changes don't cause the friendship to become unhealthy, supporting your friend is the only real option you've got. And yes, that support requires quite a bit of patience and open communication. For a season, until everything settles, anyway.
Prepare for Some Things Needing to Shift Within the Relationship
One of my closest male friends is one of the most ambitious cats I know. It's like every six months or so, he's got another big idea that requires us to shift our talking schedules and it sometimes requires that I lend my support in a different kind of way. If he didn't bring so much consistency, confidentiality and outright joy to my life (because he is hilarious), it would be easy to let all of his professional changes to cause us to grow apart. But since I really do adore all of what he brings into my life, whenever he hits me up with the, "Hey, I'm on this right now", I have learned to respond with, "So, what do you need from me in this season?"
Different seasons have different purposes and needs. That goes for the weather; that also goes for relationships.
What a friend of yours needed from you last year may be totally different from what they need from you now. Same goes for you as it relates to how they relate to you. Handling one another's growth spurts can be so much easier if you're both simply willing to meet current needs rather than settling into the rut of doing what you've always done for one another. This tip alone? It can be a real friendship lifesaver. It really can.
Remember That Embracing Growth Is a Part of What Commitment Is All About
The more work that I do with married couples, the more that I admire marriage; especially when it comes to couples who have more than 10-15 years under the belt. Because man, what those marriages model to me is how much commitment is required to remain with someone who is constantly changing as you change.
I make it no secret that I am a control-freak-in-recovery and so, sometimes in times past, as certain friends would go through their own process of evolution, me not liking the changes would result in me almost punishing them for changing. It was like I was so accustomed to the predictability of things being a certain way that, when they weren't that way anymore, I would emotionally disconnect.
Being a marriage life coach has shown me that, one of the most profound ways to show someone just how "in this" you are, is to give them the space to grow while still remaining solid in your commitment to them. It's like saying, "While you're out here metamorphosing, I'm gonna be right here, having your back every inch of them way."
When people know that they've got individuals in their life who don't merely tolerate their growth spurts but actually embrace them, not only does it cause them to evolve; it evolves the relationship as well.
As the individuals grow, the friendship grows. And when both people keep that in mind in the midst of the turbulence of the growth spurts, the end result can be a truly beautiful, sacred and lasting thing. Something that all of us ultimately desire from our dearest friendships. See what growth can do?
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone "Friend"
5 Things You Can Do Today To Be A Better Friend
According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends
10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships
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RELATED
Check out the following 15 things that you can do (five per category), beauty-wise, to embrace all that spring has in store — things that will have you out here looking even more radiant than you already do!
Hair
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1. Clarify your hair. Sweat, dead skin cells, product build-up, minerals in your water, excessive sebum, whatever falls into your hair when you’re outdoors (like pollen) — all of these things play a significant role in why it’s important to clarify your hair from time to time and clarifying is simply about using things that will help to get rid of the residue that’s on your strands. Clarifying is actually why I don’t cosign with people who say that you should NEVER use sulfate shampoos; I just believe that you should ONLY use them to clarify your locks (so long as they aren’t too harsh on your hair).
So, what are some signs that your hair needs clarifying?
If your hair feels oily or sticky; if it’s hard for it to hold a style; if your scalp is itchy or irritated; if you notice that your hair is shedding more than it should (which is 50-100 strands a day); if your hair is dull and/or (bonus) if you are about to color-treat your hair (because build-up will make it difficult for the color to “take”). You can clarify your tresses with a clarifying shampoo (check out a list here). Or, if you’d prefer to take the all-natural route, apple cider vinegar, baking soda, bentonite clay, and even Aloe vera are awesome options (click on each of the words to learn why and how to apply them in this way).
2. Exfoliate your scalp. Honestly, the main way that I know it is time for me to wash my hair is when my scalp tells me so. When it’s itchy and/or flaking, that’s my cue. Oftentimes, what I will do is either provide my scalp with a good rinse (I really like TPH BY TARAJI Master Cleanse Scalp Treatment) or a scalp exfoliant. That’s because, just like your hair can experience residue, your scalp can as well (especially when it comes to dead skin cells and product build-up). Plus, a scalp that isn’t exfoliated can end up having clogged hair follicles which can ultimately mess with your hair growth.
If you want to go the exfoliant route, there are scalp scrubs that you can buy. You can also crush some aspirin up, add a bit of water to it, and rub it on your scalp, create a brown sugar and oatmeal scalp scrub or you can check out some other recipes here.
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3. Address those ends. It can’t be said enough that, if you’re trying to grow out your hair, it doesn’t matter how much you take care of the roots of your hair if you’re neglecting your ends in the process. In fact, a huge part of the reason why a lot of people don’t end up reaching their hair (length) goals is because their locks end up breaking off just about as fast as their hair grows from their scalp. One way to avoid this from happening is to “baby” the entire mess out of your ends — and y’all, a product that I’ve been using that helps me to do this oh so very well is Amika Starfruit Oil. Listen, stuff that has worked for me personally, I do my best to shout-out and this product right here? It’s the truth! It’s a lightweight oil that feels kind of like a serum that really does create shine, lessen frizz and help to make your hair feel so much stronger — including your ends. Now, it ain’t cheap; still, a little bit goes a long way which makes it worth the expense (at least it does to me). Anyway, whether it’s getting a trim, dusting your ends (removing split ends and fairy knots on your own) or just giving your ends some much needed TLC, this would be the time to do it…especially so.
4. Toss out expired hair products. Be honest with me and yourself — you know you’ve got some hair products that should’ve gone on to glory a long time ago, simply because the lettering is faded and/or you really can’t remember when you purchased it (check out “Resolving To Kick Your Product Junkie Habit? Here's Your Game Plan For 2024.”). I’ll be real with you, unfortunately, most hair products don’t come with an expiration date; however, a good rule of thumb to follow is if your products change color, smell, or texture, it’s probably time to toss ‘em out.
And when it comes to shampoos and conditioners specifically, many experts say that around six months is when it’s time to get some new stuff. Oh and also, please wash your brushes, combs and clean out the teeth of your hair dryers, and thoroughly wipe off your flat irons. You’d be amazed how much gunk can get caught up in all of those things. #yuck
5. Replenish your collection with lighter water-based ones. Since warmer weather tends to lead to hair that has more oil and residue than during the cooler months, if you’re going to buy some new hair products make sure that they contain less oils and butters and more water instead. The reason why is because the last thing that you want is for it to be a nice spring-like day with the wind blowing and yet your hair doesn’t move one bit because it’s so weighed down by all of your hair products. If you’d like a few recommendations of what to get for this season, check out BuzzFeed’s “27 Products That’ll Take Your Hair From Winter Drab To Spring Fab.”
Skin
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1. Get a professional facial. It’s pretty common that, as it heats up outside, you may want to wear less make-up — at least during the daytime hours because between the sweat and everything? It can just be easier to take the “less is more” approach. If that is exactly how you roll (or you do like make-up and you would like for it to go on more smoothly), consider getting a professional facial as soon as possible. I’m good for getting a back facial at the turn of every season and there is nothing like having a professional esthetician get all up in your skin and treat issues in ways that you simply can’t (because you haven’t been trained to).
When it comes to your face, professional facials are bomb because they can deeply cleanse, exfoliate, hydrate, improve the texture, and treat trouble areas all at the same time. I promise you, after getting a facial from someone who really knows what they are doing, your skin will glow on a completely different level!
2. Clean all of your make-up tools. Chile, guess how often the average American changes their sheets (SMDH): every 24 days…that’s damn near once a month. Now guess how often you’re supposed to do it: no less than once a week and actually every 2-4 days if you have pets or allergies. If most folks aren’t doing this, I can only imagine how few are cleaning their makeup brushes, etc. And how often should you do that? Every 7-10 days (more often than that, if you can). And although you shouldn’t wait for spring to do this, this is just a reminder to set aside a day to clean everything at once.
For tips on how to properly clean your brushes, check out the YouTube channel ItsMyRayeRaye’s post here. Tips on how to clean cosmetic sponges? Roxslayofficial’s page can help you out here. And if you tend to put your brushes and sponges in a drawer in your bathroom, invest in a nice vase for your brushes or something like a magnetic brush organizer. As far as your sponges go, a cute soap dish that has holes in it or an egg case will work.
3. Look for skincare products that contain antioxidants and ceramides. Since there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll be out in the sun more often, you need to make sure that your skin is protected from the damage that free radicals, air pollution, and UV rays can do. One way to do this is by looking for skincare products that are packed with antioxidants. Ones that immediately come to mind include vitamin C extract, and vitamin E oil as well as products that have niacinamide (vitamin B6) and polyphenols listed on the label.
Something else to look for is skin products that contain ceramides;they are lipids that easily makeup 50 percent of the outer layer of your skin. When you apply skincare items that contain them, those ceramides help to hydrate your skin, protect the barrier, and slow down the signs of aging. I use ceramides on my neck at night and baby, no regrets. Not a damn one.
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4. Go without make-up more often. Whenever someone tells me that I don’t look my age, I thank genetics and the fact that I didn’t start wearing make-up (other than mascara and lipstick which is pretty much how I get down now) until I was well into my 20s. There is no way around the fact that prolonged cosmetic use (especially when it comes to certain ingredients), yes, can speed up the aging process of your skin. It can also lead to breakouts; cause your pores to appear larger than they actually are; throw off the pH balance of your skin; create the appearance of fine lines, and it can weaken your skin’s barrier. That’s why it’s a good idea to give your skin a break by going make-up-free sometimes.
Since spring cleaning is the theme, focus more on skincare than cosmetics so that, by the time the summer season arises, if you go swimming, you don’t have to worry about going au naturel because your natural skin will be so on-point on its own (check out “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.,” “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday” and “These 12 Things Will Make Your Skin Glow All Of The Time” for some prepping tips).
5. Don’t forget about sunscreen. BLACK WOMEN NEED SUNSCREEN — and yes, I am yelling it because I know far too many of us who were told that because our skin is so beautifully melanated, sunscreen isn’t really necessary. The lies you tell. Problem is, when you read articles like Healthline’s “The Sunscreen Gap: Do Black People Need Sunscreen?” you’ll notice that — surprise, surprise, and totally insert my sarcasm here — some medical professionals don’t emphasize the importance of us using sunscreen which causes some of us not to prioritize it.
However, the reality is that UV rays can damage our skin just like anyone else's, not to mention that sun drama can also lead to things like hyperpigmentation. So, if you’ve never used sunscreen before, make this the year that you absolutely do. Some of the best sunscreens for our skin are located here, here, and here.
Nails
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1. Opt for a shorter length. Not to brag but I actually have some really pretty hands and nails. That’s why, before the pandemic, I was in the nail shop all of the time; however, once we went into lockdown, I decided to keep my nails low and I haven’t really grown them out since. Something about watching all of those videos about how many germs get trapped up in there just creeped me out, chile.
Anyway, since it’s spring and you’ll be outdoors, pollen is flying everywhere and you may be doing things (like outdoor sports) that require you to use your hands in a more active way if your nails are currently on the longer side right now, you might want to go with a shorter length. Not only is it hygienic and practical, from what I’ve seen (here, here, and here), but it’s shorter nails that are also trending right through here too.
2. Do a deep hand and foot soak. While certain — cough, cough — folks are out here debating about how often you should wash your feet (the things that have tons of sweat glands and literally spend most of their time on the floor or ground), I’m encouraging you to go above and beyond and do some regular foot (and hand) soaking. They’re relaxing. They exfoliate your skin. They can also help to deeply hydrate your skin. They increase blood circulation. They also help your hands and feet to look youthful for a longer period of time.
Although there are a variety of different hand (here) and foot (here) recipes to choose from, one of my faves is to soak in an herbal tea blend — one that also has some Epsom salt and coconut milk in it. Chamomile tea can help to soothe you. Sage contains medicinal properties. Hibiscus can help to even out your skin tone. Epsom salt is great because it also helps to exfoliate and hydrate. Coconut milk is awesome because it deeply moisturizes, stimulates the production of collagen and it also exfoliates too. Soaking your hands and feet for about 30-45 minutes can make your skin’s texture feel totally different. Try it and see!
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3. Pamper your cuticles with an essential oil blend. The base of your fingernails and toenails is your nail bed and right underneath those are your cuticles; the purpose of your cuticles is to keep bacteria from infecting your new nails as they grow out from your nail bed. Honestly, it wasn’t until I started getting hangnails that I started to pay my cuticles some real attention (in between professional manicures). I was getting them because my cuticles were dry which means that I was neglecting them. Now, I’m on top of that because hangnails are ANNOYING (and sometimes even painful).
I care for my cuticles by keeping my cuticles trimmed, pushing them back and making sure that they are well moisturized. Although there are cuticle creams that you can buy, I prefer to apply a blend of tea tree oil (it kills bacteria and fungus), geranium oil (it has astringent and anti-inflammatory properties), and avocado oil which deeply moisturizes. It makes my cuticles feel and look great.
4. Go without polish for a while. Listen, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna do, it’s get a pedicure — usually twice a month. I’m so serious about it that, even the day that my house literally blew up a few years ago (check out “My House Burned Up. Three Days Before Christmas. What It Taught Me.”), after I assessed the damage (95 percent of my stuff was gone) and talked to the fire marshal about what caused it (my HVAC), I went on to my nail appointment (dead serious). Polished toes always make me feel better and you can’t steal my joy. That’s why I hate it when my nail tech will tell me that it’s time to take a polish break sometimes.
Still, I heed the advice because, when your fingernails and toenails aren’t given the opportunity to breathe, that can lead to fungal and bacterial growth, weaker nails, dry nails, permanently stained nails, and all sorts of other drama. Ideally, since your toenails especially are covered up more in the fall and winter months, that would be the most ideal time to follow through with this particular suggestion. If you didn’t do that, though. Give your nails a month or so without any polish over the next few weeks. It might feel rough at first but it’s worth it in the long run.
5. Return to polish with lighter hues. When it comes to nail polish hues, I tend to lean into the darker ones. Spring isn’t really the time for that, though. Yeah, if ever there is a time to go with some Easter egg colors, the spring season would be it. And as far as spring color trends for this year go, you’re super stylish if you go with light neutrals, bright green, or pearly shades — or you can get super creative via InStyle’s “20 April Nail Ideas to Freshen Up Your Manicure.”
And speaking of polish (and spring cleaning), I’m pretty sure you’ve got some old bottles that need to go. For the most part, their shelf life is between 12-24 months. If it’s been longer than that, let them babies go. It’s spring. Time for new things, sis. NEW THINGS!
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