“Get an education, start your career, travel the world, and don’t think about marriage until you’re at least 30 years old,” is the advice a play aunt gave me when I was 16 years old. As a girl growing up in the South, I certainly didn’t hear that type of advice every day. However, having known at an early age that there were certain milestones I wanted to achieve before starting a family, her advice resonated with me.
Tending to be Type A, I wasted no time making plans to obtain an education, a career, financial stability, and a well-used passport. And I executed each of these plans. What I did not plan for is turning 30 and not being at a stage in my life where children were even a consideration in the near future. This is when I first started thinking about freezing my eggs.
But as the old saying goes, life happened and I didn’t follow through. Fast-forward to a few months shy of my 34th birthday, I joked to my friend, “I’ll be 35 next year, I don’t have time for that.” This statement stopped me in my tracks. Although I was well aware of my age (and proud of it), somehow verbalizing I’d be 35 soon felt eerily different.
At 33, I could still claim my early 30s, but 35 is when everything changes. It’s the “magic number” where the “average woman’s” fertility begins to decline and she is considered to be at an advanced maternal age aka “geriatric.” Though I do not believe motherhood is solely biological (other options include adoption, fostering, and egg donation), I wanted to do what I could to conserve this option. Thus, my deep dive into the world of egg freezing commenced.
While researching the egg-freezing process, I searched for stories from women who had gone through the process. Notably, there weren’t many stories from Black women documenting their journeys. This could be for a number of reasons: lack of access and resources, cultural and/or religious beliefs, and the social stigma associated with egg-freezing.
Whatever the reason, I respect it, but I know from personal experience and statistical data that there were many other Black women who’d walked a similar path to mine and who were likely evaluating this option, and that created a desire in me to share my journey. The decision to do so, however, did not come without my own internal struggle on whether I wanted to share this deeply personal journey.
What is Egg Freezing?
Everyone’s experience is different but the process is generally the same. Essentially, you take hormone injections over the course of 10-14 days to help multiple eggs develop at the same time. At the end of the cycle, you undergo a surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs. The eggs that mature (all aren’t guaranteed to mature) are then frozen. Going through the process isn’t a guarantee of future fertility, but it increases your chances. And to answer the question I got often, “Can you get pregnant naturally if you freeze your eggs?” -- yes. You will still have eggs and may never have to use your frozen ones.
The process is expensive -- one cycle can cost between $10,000 and $20,000, and some women have to go through multiple cycles. There is also an annual storage fee (mine is $600). I’d begun saving for the process, but a couple of months into me saving, my employer announced it was adding fertility benefits *inserts happy dance.* So, I only had to pay my deductible and for lab work. But I acknowledge my privilege in being able to save for the procedure. If you are considering freezing your eggs, check with your benefits department.
Pre-Cycle Preparation
I scheduled a consultation with the clinic to discuss the process. My provider recommended I begin taking vitamins and supplements to help with egg quality. Next, I had blood work done to test, among other things, my AMH levels -- which show approximately how many eggs you have -- and an ultrasound to count my follicles (our egg carriers). My AMH levels revealed that my ovarian reserve was slightly lower than average for my age, and I might have to go through 2-3 cycles to harvest the number of eggs necessary to possibly achieve the number of children I want. This information was devastating.
I left upset with myself for not going through the process sooner. I eventually came back to my life’s conviction that God is in control and what’s meant to be will be. Moving forward, I was prescribed birth control pills and the medications for the cycle. I then had a meeting with my IVF coordinator (egg freezing is the same as IVF, minus fertilization) to go over prepping and administering the injections. This was helpful because I was overwhelmed when I saw the amount of medicine and realized I had to mix some of it.
Day 1 of the Egg Freezing Process:
I returned to the clinic for bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure nothing major had changed and my estrogen levels were desirable. After being cleared to start, I gave myself two injections in the morning while I was at work. Thankfully, one of my work friends who is knowledgeable about the procedure was there to assist because, although I’m not afraid of needles (I have tattoos), I stalled when it was time to give myself the first injection.
One of the medications burned while being injected but the other one was fine. Moving forward, I always started with the worst injection. That night, with my best friend, a nurse practitioner, on video chat, I gave myself the two evening injections. I also took antibiotics twice daily.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Days 2 and 3:
The routine on the second and third days looked like two injections in the morning and two injections in the evening. On day three, I realized I was going to run out of one of the medications over the weekend, so I called the pharmacy and had some overnighted.
Tip: Pay attention to your dosage and how much medicine you have left so you won’t run out and not be able to get the medicine in time for your next injection, as each is essential for optimum results.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Day 4:
I continued with injections and returned to the clinic for an ultrasound and bloodwork. This was to see how my body was reacting to the injections and to count and measure my follicles. That evening my IVF coordinator informed me that I was responding well!
At this point, outside of soreness at the injection sites, I didn’t have any of the symptoms I’d read about (emotional breakdowns, acne, weight gain, cramping, bloating, exhaustion).
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Days 5 and 6:
Pretty much the same routine on the fifth and sixth days. On day five, I went on a turnaround trip so I had to take my medicine and supplies with me so I wouldn’t miss my evening injections. On day six, I added an additional injection at noon (up to five injections now). I felt a little dizzy and nauseous, but it passed.
At this point, I was searching for new places to inject myself. I was also starting to get tired of the routine and was ready to be finished. My hat goes off to those who have to take daily injections indefinitely!
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Days 7 and 8:
Same routine, with another clinic visit on day seven. I spilled one of the injections because I didn’t have the needle on tightly, but because I was responding well, my coordinator told me to not worry about it. I was more tired than usual and struggled to stay awake and focused throughout the day. I was also unusually thirsty.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Day 9:
I returned to the clinic for another round of ultrasound and bloodwork. The results showed that my eggs were mature enough for me to take the trigger injection! So, I took my routine injections and the trigger injection. This trigger injection signals to the eggs to finish maturing because it’s time for them to be released, and it must be taken exactly 36 hours prior to retrieval. I started having some cramps.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Day 10:
I returned to the clinic for bloodwork only and it showed that the trigger shot worked, so no more injections! I was a zombie at this point and the cramps continued.
Day 11: The Egg Retrieval
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Retrieval day! I woke up anxious about the number of eggs that would be mature enough to freeze. The procedure went fine. I was under anesthesia, so I don’t remember it. My best friend picked me up (because just like after any procedure, you can’t drive). Later that day I learned the number of eggs that were frozen, which was slightly less than the number of eggs retrieved.
All things considered, I was pleased, but I may do another cycle down the road.
The recovery wasn’t bad for me. I had some pain, discomfort, cramps, and a ton of bloating for a couple of days after.
Closing Thoughts
Although I hope to never have to rely on my frozen eggs, I am happy to have them if I need them. I highly recommend women look into egg freezing as early as possible, if possible. If nothing else, I recommend women take an AMH test to learn about their personal reproductive health.
I didn’t have this option because only one clinic in my area was covered by my insurance, but I recommend you “shop around” for a doctor with whom you feel comfortable - one who is willing to carefully address your questions and concerns. Keep in mind, it is a huge time commitment and requires multiple clinic visits, so choose a nearby clinic if you can.
I feel incredibly blessed to have loved ones who regularly checked on me throughout the process to see how things were going, so make sure to reach out to those you trust before you begin to ensure you have your support system in place.
Don’t be discouraged if some don’t understand your decision to go through the process, as it is a personal decision and you owe no one an explanation.
Lastly, this experience has deepened my respect and empathy for all women who struggle with fertility, and I send love to all.
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Featured image courtesy of Cynthia Lee
- Tai Beauchamp On Her Decision To Freeze Her Eggs At Age 35 ›
- What No One Tells You About Freezing Your Eggs ›
- More Black Women Are Deciding To Freeze Their Eggs For The Same Reason As Angela Rye ›
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
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Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
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Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
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Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy