

Here's something that you might not have put a ton of thought into before—what are the signs that your breasts are healthy? While most of us know that giving ourselves self-breast exams (in order to check for any abnormal lumps) is important, what should we be factoring in beyond that?
Well, according to many health experts, our breasts are in good shape if 1) the skin that covers our breasts is, for the most part, even-toned and the same texture; 2) they are warm in temperature (not hot but warm); 3) there is no discharge that's coming from our nipples (unless we're pregnant); 4) outside of pregnancy and PMS, they aren't tender; 5) the lymph nodes under our armpits aren't swollen and 6) if our breasts do have natural lumps in them (which is fairly common), they haven't changed in size.
In a nutshell, if your breasts are indicating something different from any of this, it's important to make an appointment with your physician as soon as possible. Aside from the fact that we, as Black women, have the highest mortality rate when it comes to breast cancer, our breasts are simply something that we shouldn't take for granted. They require tender loving care, just like any other part of our body does.
Foods To Eat For Healthy Breasts
One way to nurture both of your "girls" is to eat the kinds of foods that are proven to aid in keeping them toned and breast cancer-free. If you're interested in being proactive about the health and well-being of your breasts, here are 10 foods that you should consume on a regular basis.
10 Foods To Support Breast Health
1. Allium Veggies
If you've got no clue what allium vegetables are, I'll break it down real quick. Allium is the Latin word for "garlic" and allium veggies consist of foods that have a strong amount of sulfur in them that are used for regular consumption as well as medicinal purposes. Some foods that fall into this category include garlic (of course), chives, leeks, scallions, shallots, and onions.
Allium veggies are good for your overall health and well-being because the sulfur that's in them can do everything to lower your blood pressure and cholesterol levels and protect your heart to reduce bodily inflammation (thanks to the quercetin that's in them) and control your blood sugar levels. Since sulfur also contains powerful cancer-fighting properties, that's the main reason why allium veggies top the list of foods that can help protect your breasts.
2. Turmeric
Turmeric is a spice that's really popular in traditional Indian dishes. But whether or not you like Indian cuisine, this is something that you should have in your spice collection. Turmeric is a member of the ginger family and contains a fair amount of manganese, vitamin C, potassium, and iron. It's even got some fiber and protein in it too. As far as its health benefits go, turmeric can help to reduce depression-related symptoms, decrease symptoms that are connected to rheumatoid arthritis, fight obesity, and relieve pain, it's an awesome detoxifier.
Two other benefits of turmeric include the fact that it can help to keep your skin youthful and glowing and, it can even help to keep you from getting type 2 diabetes. All of this is because of the chemical compound curcumin that's in turmeric. It's curcumin also has anti-inflammatory and anti-cancer properties that make it great for keeping your breasts healthy. And since turmeric is wonderful for your skin, it's a spice that can keep your breasts in great shape, from the inside out.
3. Celery
Celery is made up of 95 percent water. So, if you're looking for a food that can help you out if you happen to be dehydrated (and you want to do something other than just drink water), celery can definitely help you out. Plus, it's loaded with health benefits as well. Believe it or not, even though it's got all of that water in it, celery is still packed with nutrients like vitamins B6, C, and K, along with folate, potassium, antioxidants, electrolytes, enzymes, and antimicrobial and antibacterial properties.
All of these work together to reduce your cholesterol and blood pressure levels; inhibit the growth of bacteria that could ultimately lead to infections; get rid of bloating; lower your chances of experiencing a urinary tract infection (UTI) and fight bodily inflammation.
On the breast health tip, celery has high levels of the compound polyacetylenes in it. These work to stop cancer cells from even forming. And, since vitamin C increases the production of collagen in your body, celery can help to keep the cancer cells away while making sure your breasts are supple and toned too. Pretty cool, huh?
4. Beans
If you've ever wondered what the healthiest beans are, the list includes chickpeas, lentils, peas, kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans, navy beans, and peanuts (yep, peanuts happen to fall into the beans and nuts categories). Beans are high in fiber, protein, iron, copper, folate, and manganese.
Beans also contain antioxidants to keep free radicals at bay, "good bacteria" (especially if they're black beans) to keep your gut in good condition, and ingredients that can keep you from getting a fatty liver (you can read more about that here). Also, thanks to the antioxidants and anti-inflammatory agents that beans have, they are just one more food that can keep cancer from creeping into your system.
5. Plums
If you ever wondered when plums are in season, it's usually between the months of May and October. And while I'm sure you probably already know this, just for the record, the dried-out version of plums are prunes. Plums have about one gram of fiber in them, along with 10 percent of the vitamin C and five percent of the vitamin A that your system needs on a daily basis per serving.
If you make eating them a consistent thing, plums can fill you up with antioxidants, lower your blood sugar levels, improve your bone health, lower your blood pressure, and reduce your anxiety levels (which are typically higher when the antioxidants in your body are lower than they should be), and they are also great for your breasts.
There are impressive studies that the properties in plums (and peaches) have the ability to not only kill already present cancer cells, but they can do that without damaging any of the healthy cells that might be around them too.
6. Olive Oil
The health benefits of olive oil are vast. Not only is it the kind of oil that is loaded with oleic acid (which is a healthy fat), it's also an oil that is packed with vitamins E and K, antioxidants, and anti-inflammatory properties. The combination of all of this can help to lower your blood pressure and even reduce your risk of having a stroke or a heart attack.
Some other awesome things about olive oil are it's one oil that actually doesn't cause you to gain weight when you consume it, it is able to reduce symptoms that are related to rheumatoid arthritis, it can lower your type 2 diabetes risk and olive oil contains antibacterial properties that are able to fight the type of bacteria that can lead to stomach ulcers and stomach cancer.
The vitamin E and antioxidants can keep your breasts looking young. And there are studies to reflect that extra virgin olive oil can reduce your risk of getting breast cancer.
7. Flaxseeds
Flaxseeds are the kind of seeds that are great for you from head to toe (have you ever made your own flaxseed gel for your hair? If not, check out this tutorial video here). Health-wise, flaxseeds are a good source of protein and fiber and, they've got a ton of omega-3 fatty acids in them (along with a small trace of other nutrients like vitamin B1, magnesium, phosphorus, and others). The dietary fiber in flaxseeds can help to keep you regular.
Plus, flaxseeds are able to help lower your cholesterol levels, and control your blood sugar and, if you're looking for something that can assist with weight loss, flaxseeds can do that too. Aside from flaxseeds also containing lignans and antioxidants to keep the skin on your breasts nice and smooth, lignans can help to decrease your chances of being diagnosed with breast cancer as well.
8. Fish
If you're an avid fish lover, good for you, sis. Fish is an awesome source of omega-3 fatty acids, protein, vitamins B2 and D, calcium, iron, zinc, phosphorus, magnesium and potassium. Every time you consume fish, you're playing a part in reducing your risk of heart disease and Alzheimer's disease. You're also lowering your risk of depression; improving your eye health; decreasing your risk of heart failure; decreasing your risk of being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease; speeding you your metabolism; alleviating your PMS symptoms (due to the fatty acids) and, rejuvenating your body after a workout (thanks to the combo of the vitamin D and fatty acids).
As far as what the healthiest fish are, salmon, mackerel, tuna, halibut, mahi-mahi, herring, and freshwater whiting top the list. As far as why fish are good for your breast health, it's a lean form of protein; the leaner the meat is, the less of a chance you'll have of being diagnosed with breast cancer.
9. Walnuts
When was the last time you cracked open a few walnuts? They've got more antioxidants in them than any other nut. Not only that but walnuts are also a wonderful source of omega-3 fatty acids; they promote a healthy gut; they can help to manage type 2 diabetes; they contain polyunsaturated fat, polyphenols, and vitamin E that work together to keep your brain in great shape; they can keep your man's sperm in peak condition and, walnuts are another food that fights inflammation.
And is it good for your girls? Well, there are studies that reveal that walnuts have been able to reduce the size of breast cancer tumors in mice. The way I see it, this means that these are the kind of nuts that can only help, not hurt.
10. Berries
I don't care if you like acai berries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, or even grapes (yes, grapes are berries too)—all of them are a delicious way to care for your overall health and well-being. Matter of fact, when it comes to the list of superfoods that are in the world, berries are on it. That's because they are loaded with the kind of antioxidants that will help to reduce any oxidative stress that you may have in your body. Berries are also high in fiber, vitamins C and K and manganese. The ellagic acid in them can increase the collagen in your system so that your skin stays youthful looking. Berries also have properties in them that can keep your arteries nice and clear.
Finally, berries are the type of fruit that reduces inflammation while containing the antioxidants anthocyanins and resveratrol that work together to significantly decrease your cancer risk, long-term. So, do all of you, including your breasts, a favor and have a bowl of fresh berries this week. It's a delicious way to keep your girls tight—well, toned—and right. Literally.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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