Leave it up to movies like Think Like A Man and Two Can Play That Game, and you'll swear that the only way to get and keep a man is to play by a set of well-documented rules. But as much as I appreciate the opinion of my male and female counterparts, I must admit that I've never been one to be on my best behavior in hopes of locking a man down.
Rules are designed as a way to perpetuate standards, moral values, and to maintain boundaries. When applied to a dating lens, they're more so dependent on the trust and comfort levels of the person you're with. I've read article after article touching on first date rules and dating no no's, and I've realized I've never been one to follow many first date rules.
The tried and true method ultimately does not work for me. In fact, I felt that I wasn't being true to who I was on a first date because I was too concerned about what my date thought of me based off of a list of first date rules that were, in my opinion, very much outdated. I wondered if there was something wrong with me for dating rules like “never return a call or text immediately" or “wait three days to call" never worked for me. That was until I started thinking for myself during dates, feeling the man, reading the moment, and allowing myself to be.
So here are my rules, the ones that may go against the grain, but have yet to keep me from being in fulfilling relationships.
Do Ask the Guy
When we talk about the principles of the chase, it stems from women's desire to be certain that a man is interested in her. How can you know he's interested if you become the pursuer versus the pursuant? You can ask. I don't believe shyness or fear of rejection knows gender roles, so that guy that sits three seats up from you in class or the barista who makes your vanilla bean frap everyday who you think will just ask if they are interested could be having that very same thought about you. If you want to go on a date with someone, just ask. It takes a lot of pain out of beating around the bush and/or making assumption after assumption.
Do Talk About What You Want
Again, the pretenses. While I don't think that you should talk about your desires to wed in Hawaii by the time that you're 30, I do think that it's important to be clear and direct about what you want, even if it means giving a canned answer of “I'm going with the flow". I think this is important because sometimes women aren't honest with even themselves that they are looking for something serious out of fear that the man they're dating will run at the slightest hint of commitment, but if that's what you're looking for and he's paralyzed by the idea of it, you've saved yourself the time and energy of getting to know someone who isn't the one for you. If you feel like you have to play cool to get the guy, you're not starting things off on the right foot and you should ask yourself the question of why you feel you must hide behind a mask.
Do Mention Your Ex and Do Hear About His
Okay, if he left you a couple of weeks ago and the wound is still fresh, you should probably sit this one out. But I think a lot can be revealed about a person when you have an ex talk. There's no need to write an eloquent detailed history for him right then and there about Mr. Wrong, but it's worth it to touch the surface a little bit. With that one conversation, you can learn how fresh the relationship is, whether or not he is over the situation, whether or not he is capable of accepting blame or if he sees himself as perfect, and most importantly, what that lesson has led to him as far as discovering what he wants in a future partner are.
Do Wear Whatever You Want
It's unsettling to hear at times the feeling of ownership society has on what women wear and how they define or label us based on those decisions. If you feel sexy in a turtleneck, some jeans, and those vintage All Star Converses in your closet, wear them. If you feel sexy giving enough cleave to the gods, do it! I think we internalize what everyone thinks so much that it silences our own wants. Wear what makes you sexy and even though there are men out there like Rev Run who believe, “Dress the way you want to be addressed" – do you. My value is not entwined in what I decide to wear and if you're going to radiate confidence on your first date, wear what feels most true to you.
Do Talk About Whatever the Hell You Want
It's usually taboo to talk about any hot button topics that could potentially cause an argument, especially when you don't really know a person or have that comfort level to properly diffuse situations without being offensive. I don't think that should stop a natural progression of a conversation though. If it comes up that you love God and you're a devout Christian, talk about religion. If it comes up that you don't believe in Trump's desires for foreign policy, so be it. Let the conversation go where it flows. If a difference in opinion is something that he can't handle, that could indicate whether or not you'd like to see him again. And some of us like intellectual debates with our dates. It shouldn't have to take a backseat just because it's your first.
Do Focus on the Present
All in all, a lot of the weight that comes along with acing a first date comes with the pressure we place on ourselves as far as expectations go, especially when we're really into someone. Truthfully, one of the best ways to stay true to yourself is to stay in the now and don't look so far ahead at where this date may lead. Just be. The real you is under that bundle of anxiety-ridden nerves so let go and focus on the moment. Don't think about whether or not he'll call, get to know him, and decide whether or not you like him.
Do Engage in Kissing on Either Set of Your Lips
This is not for everyone, but I am a believer that sometimes chemistry is instant and sometimes you might want to kiss him at the end of a great night, sometimes you want to do more than kiss him. Do not allow the stigma of first date rules stop from doing something you want to do. If you've learned from past experiences that sex too soon makes you a stage five clinger, you might want to refrain until you're certain about how you feel. But if you're all for the count, you feel comfortable, and you want to, by all means, why not? Sex does change things though when it comes to dynamics between two people. The best thing that can happen is that you have a night of fun where someone you were into was equally into you and swept up by the flow of the night and lost themselves in you as wondrously as you did into them. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't call you after. But I'd like to emphasize that if he doesn't call, he never planned to call. Sex doesn't make a man lose interest, and if it does, they weren't interested enough in you to begin with. And if that's the case, did you really want him anyway?
Keeping that in mind, be one with yourself and true to yourself. Don't worry about what he thinks about you and instead worry about what you think about him. That's the way to survive the dating world. I am a firm believer that if you value yourself and know what you want, the world can see that. There is no need to follow a set of rules to act as guidelines to get you to the commitment you want so if you break a couple, so what? Just be yourself. Truthfully, that's the kind of genuine connections you should be gravitating towards and holding close to you in your world anyway. A finger is constantly being placed in our faces when we act on our desires in an act to tell us “no", and I'm just here to say, “yes". Yes. Yes. YES!
What first date rules are you not afraid to break?
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
Anyway, one of them was recently expressing in the chat that, although, according to her doctor, her hormone levels seemed to be fine, she felt like certain perimenopause symptoms were telling her otherwise. She’s probably right because the reality is you can be in a state of perimenopause — the transitional phase that comes right before menopause — anywhere from 4-10 years (keep in mind that the average age for entering menopause is 51).
And so, after hearing about some of what she was experiencing and recommending things like evening primrose oil and raspberry leaf tea, it reminded me that I should also pen an article on seed cycling — a practice that is gaining more traction when it comes to all-natural ways of keeping certain hormones in balance.
If you’re curious about what seed cycling is all about, I’ve got a few details that may interest you — and might provide you with some perimenopausal relief — below.
What Is Seed Cycling and Why Is It Becoming More Popular?
GiphyProbably the easiest way to define seed cycling is it’s all about consuming certain seeds during certain times of the month in order to balance out your hormones — well, not only balance hormones but boost fertility and also decrease symptoms that are directly related to menopause.
The thought process of seed cycling is if you consume certain seeds during the first half of your menstrual cycle, it will help to balance out your estrogen levels; then if you consume certain seeds during the other half of your menstrual cycle, it will balance out your progesterone levels.
So, which seeds are you supposed to take?
Flax and pumpkin seeds during the first 14 days of your cycle and then sesame and sunflower seeds during the last 14 days. And what if your period isn’t on a 28-day cycle? Well, then what you would do is take flax and pumpkin seeds during your follicular phase (the first day that you start your period through the day that you ovulate) and sesame and sunflower seeds during your luteal phase (the time that happens right after your ovulate and ends once your period starts). And why these seeds in particular? Were they just pulled out of thin air? Nope.
Flaxseeds contain phytoestrogenswhich is a form of plant-based estrogen. Estrogen is low at the beginning of your menstrual cycle, so phytoestrogens can help your body build up your uterine lining. When you are going through the latter stages of perimenopause/menopause, estrogen levels can significantly decrease; phytoestrogens can help to bring your levels back up. That said, as far as periods are concerned, flaxseeds can help to regulate your cycle (which can also make it easier for you to conceive, if that is something that you are trying to do). As far as perimenopause and menopause are concerned, they can help to make their symptoms more bearable.
Pumpkin seeds are a rich source of magnesium and manganese which help to ease PMS symptoms and reduce menstrual discomfort. When it comes to perimenopause and menopause, magnesium can reduce anxiety and depression and help you to sleep better which can reduce symptoms that are associated with both conditions. And manganese? Manganese helps to regulate blood levels and improve bone density. Pumpkin seeds also contain a considerable amount of zinc that helps to regulate hormones. Fertility-wise, pumpkin seeds can increase testosterone levels and they can help you to have a healthier pregnancy.
Sesame seeds also have phytoestrogens in them; however, the reason why sesame seeds are recommended for seed cycling is because the zinc, selenium, vitamin E, and fatty acids in them are what help to give your progesterone levels a boost during the second half of your menstrual cycle. Progesterone not only creates a healthy uterine lining, if an egg isn’t fertilized, but it also helps your body to shed the lining. When it comes to perimenopause/menopause, progesterone is needed because it can help reduce the impact of hot flashes and menopause-related insomnia. When it comes to conceiving, sesame seeds can help to reduce inflammation and boost your immunity — making it easier for your body to get pregnant.
Sunflower seeds are loaded with vitamin Eand that alone makes them great when it comes to your menstrual cycle and dealing with perimenopause and menopause-related symptoms. That’s because vitamin E helps to reduce period discomfort and, if you happen to have heavy cycles, it can help to decrease the amount of blood that you lose during your cycle as well. For those dealing with perimenopause and menopause, vitamin E helps to bring relief to symptoms like hot flashes and vaginal dryness. Sunflower seeds can also aid in fertility, thanks to the fatty acids in them that can make it easier to conceive.
So, as you can see, there is a method to the madness when it comes to the seeds that are selected for seed cycling. Okay, but how do you actually incorporate seed cycling into your lifestyle? Good question.
How to Do Seed Cycling in Order to Receive the Most Optimal Results
GiphyIf you want to try seed cycling in order to see if it helps you and your hormones out, this is what you will need to do:
During days 1-14 (again, your follicular phase), you will need to take one tablespoon of ground flaxseeds and one tablespoon of ground pumpkin seeds.
During days 15-28 (again, your luteal phase), you will need to take one tablespoon of ground sesame seeds and one tablespoon of ground sunflower seeds.
The strategy here is if you do this consistently for 3-4 months, you should start to see an improvement when it comes to the imbalance of your hormones. It should also go on record that some health experts recommend adding 1200-1500 mg EPA/DHA to the follicular phase of seed cycling and evening primrose oil to the luteal phase. That’s because EPA/DHA are fatty acids that help to reduce bodily inflammation and evening primrose oil helps to decrease PMS symptoms as well as hot flashes.
As far as side effects go, there currently aren’t any drastic ones that have been reported. The main thing to keep in mind is that you may experience some gas, bloating, or changes in your bowel movement patterns for a moment. That’s because certain seeds are filled with fiber.
How These Seeds Will Benefit Your Health Regardless
GiphyNow that you know more of what seed cycling is all about, you might be wondering if it’s truly worth your while. The truth is that research is still being conducted which means that there are articles out in cyberspace that tend to Elmo shrug seed cycling more than anything else. My two cents? I mean, the fact that the four seeds listed have other health benefits, if you’re someone who prefers to take all-natural approaches to your health, it can’t hurt to up your intake of flaxseeds, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, and sunflower seeds anyway. Here are a few (additional) reasons why.
Flaxseeds. Aside from the fact that flaxseeds are a beneficial source of fiber and protein, they are also good for you because they are rich in omega-3s (which reduce inflammation and decrease cholesterol levels), they can help to keep your blood sugar levels in check, they are good at assisting with weight management and they can strengthen your digestive system.
Pumpkin seeds. If you’re currently trying to eat less meat yet you don’t want to do it at the sacrifice of your daily protein needs, pumpkin seeds are the answer to your prayers. They are off-the-charts when it comes to how much protein is in them (almost nine grams per serving), plus they contain a solid amount of copper, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, zinc, and antioxidants. If you want to improve your bladder health, pumpkin seeds can help to make that happen. If you want a stronger heart, pumpkin seeds offer support in that department.
Something else to keep in mind is, that since pumpkin seeds have antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory, antioxidative, and anti-ulcerative properties in them, they can also help your body to heal from minor issues and wounds faster — which is always a good thing.
Sesame seeds. If you are looking to get more fiber and protein in, lower your cholesterol and blood pressure levels, keep your bones in good shape, uptick your vitamin B intake, and/or strengthen your immune system, these are the areas where sesame seeds can be of great assistance. Something else that’s cool about sesame seeds is they have a reputation for helping to keep your liver and kidneys in peak condition as well.
Sunflower seeds. As far as snacking goes, probably the most popular seeds (on this list, anyway) are sunflower seeds. If they are something that you enjoy indulging in, you can feel good about that since they contain properties that fight cancer, help to regulate your thyroid, assist with preventing muscle cramps, provide you an energy boost, reduce your blood sugar levels, and make your gut (where 80 percent of your immunity resides) healthier.
Hmph. Looks to me that if you take these seeds in, your health is only going to improve — if that includes when it comes to your hormones, then that is just a bonus.
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Now that you know more about seed cycling, of course, it is totally up to you if you want to give it a shot. Again, though — since all of these seeds are good for you, what do you have to lose in trying it?
I don’t see one damn thing, y’all. Not one.
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