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If You Don't See These Things On The First Date, Avoid Another.
There is something that is just so special about "firsts". Well, firsts that are done correctly, anyway. There's the anticipation. The excitement. The newness. It really does give you a lot to look forward to — and nothing exemplifies this more than a first date. And by "date, I mean date (check out "Have You Ever Wondered What Qualifies As A REAL Date?"). While there are different dynamics that can cause two people to decide to formally hang out with each other, what I'm gonna touch on today is the type of first date where you meet a guy and after a couple of conversations, you agree to go out with him in order to get to know him a little better.
If that is the category that you currently fall into, in order to know if he's worthy of a second date with you, here are 10 things that you should definitely, without hesitation or apology, check off of your "he looks like he could be a real keeper" list.
1. Timeliness
An author by the name of Karen Joy Fowler once said, "Arriving late is a way of saying that your own time is more valuable than the time of the person who waited for you." I agree with this, wholeheartedly so. Whether late folks realize it or not, there is an arrogance that comes with them not showing up at the time they agreed to do so; it's basically them saying, "You should wait for me, simply because I said so." (Chile.)
I don't know about you, but I've had my fair share of ego maniacs on the dating tip. It's very difficult to build anything real and substantial with someone who acts like they are the prize while you are just barely worthy of them. That's why it's a huge red flag to me if, on the first date no less, a man shows up late. I don't care if he's meeting you somewhere or coming to pick you up, if he's trying to make a strong first impression, he will plan accordingly — even if it means showing up 15-20 minutes early…because he appreciates your time — and you — just that much.
2. Chivalry
Before getting into this particular point, let me just say that chivalry is not a synonym for transactional nor is it a substitute word for entertaining "foodie calls". Where I'm going with this is there is some real bullshishery happening in society right now where a lot of women think that a man spending a ton of money on her is an act of chivalry. Uh-uh. Chivalry is a characteristic of a gentleman and while this can be somewhat based on how a person personally defines the word, I like what actor Michael B. Jordan said in aVogue feature a few years back. Around the five-minute mark, he gets asked about his number one dating rule. His answer was, "Always pick up the tab, at first, anyway. And she never touches a doorknob." Agreed.
Typically, chivalry is associated with things like a man opening doors, picking up the phone to converse more than text (again, at first, at least), walking closer to the street side (as a way of protecting you) and walking you to your door at the end of a date. All of this said, I'm amazed by women who are cool with a guy honking the horn in her driveway (especially during the initial stages of dating) or who wants to go Dutch on a first date (if he asked you out, why does he want you to pay? There is not established mutuality on outings yet). Not because either of these things are "wrong" per se, so much as they lack chivalry. You know what they say — how things start often sets the tone for how they will continue. If you don't see chivalry in a man, out the gate, it'll be hard to just up and require for him to be gentleman-like down the road.
3. Politeness
You can tell a lot about someone, based on how they treat the people around them. I'm not talking about the folks they know; I mean the ones they don't. While you're out on your first date, watch how he treats the service staff and even mere strangers. If you're in a restaurant, does he make eye contact with the server and also say "please" and "thank you"? If some women are behind the two of you as you're walking into a place, does he pause and hold the door open for them as well?
When it comes to you specifically, a guy who is polite is someone who won't get into your personal space without being invited. He also won't spend all of the time the two of you have together talking about himself. He will address you by the name that you requested (none of that pet name stuff on the first date unless the two of you have known each other for a while and you've stated that you're fine with it). He will let you complete your thoughts and not interrupt you. He won't be big on gossip as a way to spark up a conversation or to keep you engaged. Oh, and while you're saying, "preach" to your monitor, just remember that being polite has no gender bias. We should be that way while on dates too.
4. Manners
There is a strictly platonic male friend that I have who I really do adore on a friendship level. Thing is, I try and keep us on the phone as much as possible because I borderline hate going out to eat with him. Not because he isn't a nice guy. Oftentimes he snatches the check before I can get to it too. It's because his table manners suck. Example? I don't know about y'all, but a pet peeve of mine is when someone wipes their mouth with a napkin and then just leaves it open on the table. Ugh. Who wants to see leftover food and spit on a paper product while trying to finish a meal? He's also pretty good for eating with his mouth open. It's all just too much of an unpleasant distraction — and that's being nice about it.
Another word for manners would be etiquette. This includes things like him putting his napkin on his lap, knowing what silverware to use, paying attention to his own body language (like looking at you as much as possible while the two of you are conversing), not expecting you to cover the tab (remember, we're talking about a first date here) and definitely keeping his phone out of view. Manners say a lot about a person. And that phone point brings me to my next point.
5. Full Attention
On the manners tip, something else that comes along with that is not being rude. An example of being rude on a date is being distracted. That said, it really makes absolutely no sense why two people would agree to go on a date, for the purpose of getting to know each other better (because that's pretty much the definition of a first date), only to be in their phones the entire time. While I loathe an entitled mindset (one day, I'll get around to writing an article on that topic alone), what I do support is a woman knowing that her time and presence are valuable and if she decided to share it with someone, they should respect her enough to offer up their undivided attention.
You know, I work with a lot of married couples whose main gripe is that their partner doesn't give them enough of their attention; that they are constantly distracted by any and everything else. When it comes to first dates, it really can't be said enough that first impressions are everything. If while being out with a guy, he seems to only be somewhat into you, I'm not sure what is gonna change up the road. Just something to keep in mind.
6. Good Conversation
Some people are shy. Some folks need time to warm up. Some folks have more boundaries than others. I totally get all of this. Still, if a guy asked you out on a date, a first date, he needs to know how to properly converse because how else are the two of you going to get to know each other better? He should be able to at least coherently comment on various topics, ask follow-up questions for clarity's sake and explain himself as well as he listens to you. This is imperative because, the reality is, even if the two of you "click" and this eventually turns into something that is long-lasting, there are going to be times (many times) when physical attraction and sexual compatibility aren't going to be enough. You both need to feel like you are engaging someone who communicates well. Dates 1-3 can reveal quite a bit where this is concerned.
7. Lack of Sexual Innuendos
If the content that I wrote on this site isn't indication enough, my friends can certainly vouch for the fact that if anyone is down to talk about sex, on a regular and consistent basis, I would be that individual. Still, if I was on a first date with a guy and all he wanted to do was make sex-related references, not only would I find that off-putting as hell, the counselor in me would assume that he was "taking my temperature" to see how quickly he could get me into bed. Personally, I'm not a one-night stand or first date-sex kind of woman. Never have been. Yet even if you are, I would recommend that you be leery of a guy who mostly wants to talk about sex on a first date. Whether you realize it or not, at the very least, he's objectifying you and you deserve better and more. Plus, guys like that are corny and shallow AF. What could possibly be sexy or even appealing about that?
8. Affirmations
I've shared before that one of my exes once said to me, "Your problem is you receive compliments like they are revelations rather than confirmations." I will never not find that to be profound. It's also a great way to drive home this particular point — for a couple of reasons.
One, when I say that someone should be affirming of you, what I mean is watch out for guys who like to use a lot of satire, backhanded compliments or cryptic language. While it's not the case across the board, sometimes what that reveals is they are a bit narcissistic (if there is such a thing as only being "kinda" one) or very arrogant. On the flip side, don't be impressed with a lot of flattery either; sometimes that is simply a form of mental and/or emotional manipulation; they will use it as a way to get you to lower your guard — meaning boundaries — so that they can get more than what you may have initially planned to offer them (on a first date).
No, what I mean when I say that a guy should be affirming on a first date is he should be very comfortable with stating what he appreciates about you, the good qualities that he notices and why he asked you out in the first place. It should come as second nature to him. A man who can easily and comfortably affirm tends to be someone who is confident, gracious and even optimistic. Those are always great qualities when it comes to being in a relationship with someone.
9. Self-Control
OK. I know it might seem like when I say self-control, I'm referring to a man being able to keep his hands off of your gorgeous self until you are ready; however, hopefully, that is a given. No, what I mean is, a sign of maturity and great self-awareness is an individual who is able to do things like think before he speaks; not go overboard on the alcohol; not overreact when things don't go as planned; isn't overly-emotional in his responses, even to things that he vehemently disagrees with; show patience to those around him and yes, is willing to push the desire for immediate gratification back in order to just be in the moment and appreciate it.
You know, a glaring sign that someone has a lot of maturing to do is if they lack self-control. Think of a toddler. They will show out, no matter where they are, because they aren't mature at all; they are just growing out of their infant stage. Yeah, a lot of adults are babies on the inside, so if while you're out with a guy, he doesn't seem to have much self-awareness — or, where needed, self-restraint — proceed with caution. Grown women should be involved with grown men. Vice versa too.
10. Proper Follow-Up Communication
Imagine. You agree to go out on a date with a guy. He's fine and some mo' fine. He is also a perfect gentleman. Everything about the date is straight out of a movie. The conversation is amazing and you can't remember the last time someone gave you literal butterflies. At the end of the date, he walks you to your door, takes your face into his hands and kisses you on your cheek or forehead (the forehead kiss!), then waits until you shut the door behind you. An hour later, he sends a text to let you know that he arrived home safely and you undress and go to bed, dreaming about what the future might hold — only to not hear from him the next day, the day after that or even the week after that.
Probably until the end of time, there are going to be debates about what the proper follow-up communication etiquette should be for a first date. My call on it is this — if someone really likes you and wants to see you again, he's going to let you know as soon as possible.
I'm not saying that he's now going to start acting like your boo or that you should expect him to. What I'm trying to convey is every guy in my life, whether he is single or married, speaks a lot about the intentionality of men. What they desire, they do not hesitate, they make it known. If a first date went amazingly well, "he" is gonna make damn sure that another is booked, much sooner than later. If your guy hasn't made that message clear, it's usually best to just chalk it up to a nice time and keep your options wide open. He would hit you up to prevent that from happening otherwise.
First dates can be a really good time. Purpose in your mind to relax, have fun and go with the flow — so long as that flow consists of these 10 points. Because you deserve for things to begin well. There is no room for debate on that.
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Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
'Love Island USA' Star JaNa Craig On The Reality Of Black Women On Dating Shows
Love Island USA just wrapped up its sixth season, and it has been the talk of the town. According to Nielsen, it's the No. 1 show on streaming, proving it's just as entertaining as the UK version. One of the reasons this season has been successful is due to the authentic relationships formed between the islanders in the villa.
You have the sisterhood between Serena Page, JaNa Craig, and Leah Kateb, aka PPG, and the real relationship moments between couples like Serena Page and Kordell Beckham, who were named the winners of this season. The other finalists include Leah Kateb and Miguel Harichi, Nicole Jacky and Kendall Washington, and JaNa Craig and Kenny Rodriguez.
While JaNa made it to the finale with her boo Kenny, her journey in the villa was far from perfect. Viewers saw the Las Vegas native get her heart stomped on a few times after many of her connections didn't work out.
At one point, it even looked like she was getting kicked off the island. While she had a lot of support from people watching the show, it was clear that she was in a position that many Black women on reality dating shows find themselves in: not being desired.
It has been an ongoing conversation among Black women watching reality dating shows as we see time and time again that non-Black women or racially ambiguous-looking women are often chosen over Black women, especially dark-skinned women. In a discussion with Shadow and Act, JaNa opened up about the support she received from viewers.
@cineaxries i love them 🤧 #janacraig #janaandkenny #loveislandusa #foryou #peacock #loveisland #janaloveisland #xybca #kennyloveisland #janaedit #loveislandedit #janaedits #loveislandusaedit #viral #loveislandusaseason6 #foryoupage #peacocktv
"You know what’s so crazy? I’m so grateful, because when I got my phone, the way they’re making us The Princess and The Frog…I felt honored. I will be that beautiful chocolate queen if I need to be. And the comments like 'beautiful chocolate girl,' I’m like, all Black women are beautiful. There’s the whole light skin versus dark skin, which breaks my heart. I just really don’t understand that, but I will take pride and represent us well," she said.
She also candidly discussed her experience as a dark-skinned Black woman on the show. JaNa and Serena had been in the villa since the first episode, and they were the only dark-skinned Black women there. As new men aka bombshells came into the villa, they found themselves not being wanted by many of them.
"Me and Serena literally had a heart-to-heart before Kenny came in and she’s like, I just don’t think it’s fair that the Black girls don’t get enough fair chance.' Every islander that came in, we were not their top pick. And we just [thought], maybe because we’re Black girls, and the dark-skinned Black girls. It sucked," she said.
"I’m like, 'Serena, we know what we bring to the table. We’re great personalities. A guy’s going to come in for us.' That’s when we manifested what we wanted, and that’s when I manifested Kenny."
@ashleyvera__ We love to see it 🥰 #loveislandusa #loveisland #loveisland2024 #janaandkenny #loveislandseason6 #peacock #realitytv #fypage
After many failed connections, Kenny came in and immediately turned JaNa's experience around. America watched the model get the care and attention that she deserved.
"I’m not going to hold you. When I was in the bottom for a quick second, I’m like, ‘There’s no way America doesn’t [ride for us]. I know Black America had to ride for me, but maybe because I’m a dark-skinned … hmm … maybe … you feel me? And you saw the Casa Amor lineup. Beautiful, beautiful light-skinned [women]," she said.
"We looked at each other like, 'Damn, Love Island did their big one with this. And every single Casa Amor girl was like, 'You girls are gorgeous, you guys are stunning.' They expressed love. You guys are beautiful and it felt good."
Although she and Kenny came in third place, JaNa is happy that she got her man in the end. "I think the thing I’m most grateful about is the fact that this is a beautiful love story like you guys complement each other and there’s no hate toward the skin color. It’s all love and support. I love that more than anything," she said.
"That’s why I was like, 'I won,' even though I didn’t win. And the fact that Serena won, we were like, 'Yeah, run that.' Either way, we won. And I love the support from all communities."