PEOPLE Magazine recently released its Sexiest Man Alive issue, and per usual, it’s whiter than white — like snow white, white. In its nearly 40-year history, there have only been four Black men (technically five if you count Dwayne Johnson) to snag the title:
- Denzel Washington (1996): First Black recipient, acclaimed actor in films like Malcolm X and Training Day, and an iconic choice for his charisma and talent.
- Idris Elba (2018): Popular selection for his rugged charm, known for roles in The Wire and blockbuster films, long-awaited recognition.
- John Legend (2019): Notable for his smooth voice and kind demeanor, Grammy-winning musician, relationship with Chrissy Teigen, and advocacy work added to his charm.
- Michael B. Jordan (2020): Recognized for roles in Black Pantherand Creed, selected as a tribute to his physical appeal and influence in Hollywood, gained influence through his production company and activism efforts.
While we absolutely love these men, it shouldn’t be so few and far between that Black men are honored for all they are. Black men are beautiful, complex, and worthy of recognition. From their melanin-rich skin that glows effortlessly to their distinct style and undeniable swag, there’s just something about the way they show up and own every space they enter.
Whether it's their moisturized beards, captivating smiles, or the way they carry themselves with confidence and grace, fine Black men are a testament to the power of Black excellence. They are artists, athletes, thinkers, and change-makers, and it's time we give them all the flowers they deserve—because there's truly nothing like a fine Black man.
In light of PEOPLE's list, we thought it was the perfect time to round up some fine Black men who aren’t celebrated enough. These men represent a new wave of talent across various creative industries, making significant contributions to music, film, and fashion while breaking new ground in their respective fields.
Zack Fox
Zack Fox
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Comedian, Rapper, and Artist: Zack Fox is known for his sharp comedic timing and irreverent humor, both in his stand-up and online presence. He made waves with his viral song "Jesus Is the One (I Got Depression)," showcasing his unique blend of comedy and music.
This man has been going viral lately for his fineness. Some folks are deeming him “cerebrally fine.” So much so that Zack Fox's mother is confused by the thirsty comments women leave for him online, leading to awkward conversations between them like what “til the room stinks” means.
Skip Marley
Skip Marley
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Reggae Artist: The grandson of the legendary Bob Marley, Skip Marley, carries on the family legacy with modern reggae hits like "Slow Down" featuring H.E.R. His music blends traditional reggae vibes with contemporary R&B. Then again, fine is just in his DNA.
Jharrel Jerome
Jharrel Jerome
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Actor and Rapper: Jharrel Jerome won an Emmy for his powerful portrayal of Korey Wise in the Netflix miniseries When They See Us. He's also a rapper, releasing music under the stage name "J Rome." Between the charming smile to the luscious beard, he is just a gem.
Jabari Banks
Jabari Banks
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Actor: Jabari Banks stars as Will Smith in the reboot of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,Bel-Air. His breakout role showcases his charisma and acting chops, quickly making him a rising star in Hollywood. Even the way he wears his hat to the side is quintessential fine-ass man energy.
Keith Powers
Keith Powers
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Actor and Model: Known for his roles in Straight Outta Compton, The New Edition Story, and most recently, Netflix's Uglies, Keith Powers has become a familiar face in film and television, with a striking presence both on-screen and in the fashion world. I am personally in love with this man. When he took to TikTok to rap some BossMan Dlow lyrics, he had us all sat.
Kofi Siriboe
Kofi Siriboe
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Actor and Model: Kofi Siriboe gained fame for his role as Ralph Angel Bordelon on the critically acclaimed TV series Queen Sugar. He's also known for his performance in the film Girls Trip. According to Ebony Magazine, “He was so spirited, cool, calm, and collected to the point where you felt safe and good in his presence. Few people have that type of effect on others, and it is an aura that goes well beyond his looks.”
Tyler James Williams
Tyler James Williams
JC Olivera/Getty ImagesActor and Singer: Starting as the lead in Everybody Hates Chris, Tyler James Williams has evolved into a versatile actor, currently starring in the Emmy-winning series Abbott Elementary. Nobody hates Chris anymore. His role as Mr. Eddie on Abbott really changed the game. Actually, it’s his broad shoulders and arms that changed the game.
Aminé
Aminé
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Rapper and Singer: Aminé broke onto the scene with his hit single "Caroline" in 2016. Known for his playful, vibrant style, he's become a staple in the alternative hip-hop scene with albums like "Good For You" and "Limbo." Known for his bold fashion statements, the artist draws inspiration from icons like Kanye West and André 3000. His vibrant color choices and eclectic cultural references reflect his unique personality, seamlessly intertwining with his music to create a captivating and immersive experience.
Aaron Pierre
Aaron Pierre
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Actor: If you haven't watched this commanding star's breakout role in Rebel Ridge by now, do yourself a favor and tap in. With that and his turn as Malcolm X in the National Geographic limited series Genius: MLK/X, Aaron Pierre has quickly established himself as a standout talent in the acting world, bringing depth and nuance to every role he takes on. The 30-year-old is known for his appearances in projects such as Old and is the voice of Mufasa in the upcoming live-action prequel, Mufasa: The Lion King. With a commanding presence and a gift for embodying dynamic characters, Pierre continues to leave an indelible mark on-screen.
Jaden Smith
Jaden Smith
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Rapper, Actor, and Activist: The son of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, Jaden has carved out his own path in music with hits like "Icon" and fashion through his brand MSFTSrep. He’s also an advocate for environmental issues. He fearlessly experiments with vibrant hair colors like neon pink, red, and green and even goes as far as bleaching his eyebrows. Rather than sticking to a signature hairstyle, Smith keeps his look fresh by effortlessly shifting between twists, locs, and a clean-shaven head, keeping us wanting more.
Smino
Smino
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Rapper and Singer: Hailing from St. Louis, Smino is known for his soulful, genre-blending sound. His albums blkswn and NOIR showcase his innovative approach to music, mixing elements of hip-hop, soul, and R&B. Smino's music explores the complexities of the Black experience in America, honoring his heritage while acknowledging the challenges faced by his community. His experimental vocal style adds a unique dimension to his music, and his commitment to self-love encourages listeners to embrace their true selves. All of this just makes him cool which makes him fine.
Tyler, The Creator
Tyler, the Creator
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Rapper, Producer, and Fashion Icon: A founding member of the Odd Future collective, Tyler has made a name for himself with genre-defying albums like "IGOR" and "Call Me If You Get Lost." He’s also the creator of the fashion brand Golf Wang. We can’t help but agree with The Talon, who reported, “Folks love to be around people with humorous personalities no matter what, so having your favorite artist have an entertaining character aside from music can make any fan love their favorite artist. They appear more lovable to fans. In this case, Tyler, The Creator is a prime example of a witty music artist, considering his interviews, videos, and even a whole TV show based on comedy sketches and playing pranks with other hilarious artists.”
Steve Lacy
Steve Lacy
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Musician and Producer: Steve Lacy, a member of the Grammy-winning band The Internet, has also had a successful solo career. His album Gemini Rights features the viral hit "Bad Habit," showcasing his blend of R&B, funk, and rock. After reading his feature inGQ, it’s clear he is absolutely who he thinks he is. He's calm, wise, and experienced despite his young age. He works hard and has collaborated with many notable artists like Tyler, the Creator, Solange, J. Cole, Blood Orange, Mac Miller, Vampire Weekend, Isaiah Rashad, and more. “This type of conscientious poise — the ongoing awareness of who he is, and what the moment requires from him — is what many associate with Lacy. Lacy is cool.”
Kaytranada
Kaytranada
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DJ and Producer: Kaytranada is celebrated for his eclectic beats and genre-blending productions. His debut album "99.9%" won a Polaris Music Prize, and he’s known for collaborations with artists like H.E.R., Kali Uchis, and Anderson .Paak. The Kaytranada Effect extends beyond his magical production. His soulful and vibey music is a direct reflection of his fineness. There’s a certain mystique about Kaytranada. His low-key personality and reserved nature create an aura of coolness that draws people in
Vince Staples
Vince Staples
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Rapper and Actor: Vince Staples is known for his sharp lyricism and social commentary. His albums like Summertime '06 and Big Fish Theory offer a gritty look at life in Long Beach, California. Is it me, or is the gap particularly sexy? Vince gives 90’s fine, and it’s just so good. Whether through his style, confidence, or overall look, he looks good in a way that feels classic and nostalgic.
Damson Idris
Damson Idris
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Actor: British-Nigerian actor Damson Idris rose to fame as Franklin Saint in the FX series Snowfall, earning acclaim for his portrayal of the ambitious drug dealer navigating the 1980s crack epidemic. In 2022, The Hollywood Reporter named him TV’s Hottest Antihero, saying, “Idris’ stardom and cachet have risen as well. He has posed in his drawers for Calvin Klein and in January walked the runway for Prada in Milan. He texted with Idris Elba about the ultimate fate of Franklin Saint.
"He also has partied with Jamie Foxx at his house, received piano lessons from rapper Saweetie (as seen in a video he posted), and watched the 2022 Super Bowl en suite with Jay-Z, Beyoncé and Rihanna. Idris is also set to host the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards on March 24.”
Luka Sabbat
Luka Sabbat
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Model and Actor: Luka Sabbat is a fashion icon and influencer known for his distinctive style. He starred in the TV series Grown-ishand is recognized for his collaborations with major fashion brands. He told L’OFFICIEL, “My style is in line with who I am. It represents my taste in fashion, music, lifestyle… It’s very personal to me, and says a lot about me. Style is deeply rooted in the community, whether it’s music, film, or subcultures like punk or goth. It’s a way of saying “This is who I am” before you even talk to someone.”
Rome Flynn
Rome Flynn
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Actor and Singer: Rome Flynn is known for his roles in How to Get Away with Murder and The Bold and the Beautiful. He’s also pursuing a music career, blending R&B and pop influences. Back in 2020, when xoNecole got to chat with the star, he opened up about dating, love, and his career. The tribe took to the comments to share, “I like his mentality and how well spoken he is. Makes him even more attractive” and “He's really down to earth and level headed. I'm sure he'll continue to grow in his craft and find love.” Another commenter said, “Rome is genuinely a beautiful human being, i love how honest he is and not many people are open and honest like this anymore... Truly refreshing.”
Trevor Jackson
Trevor Jackson
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Actor, Singer, and Dancer: Trevor Jackson starred as Aaron Jackson in the TV series Grown-ish and has a thriving music career, with R&B albums like The Love Language. When it comes to his potential partner, he previously told us that he would love to be mentally and spiritually aligned. "I feel like we gotta hang out and I think when you really like someone, you can hang out with them and not have to do anything physical with them. I think that's someone I can really laugh with, lay down [with], and not be worried if they're gonna be crazy."
LaKeith Stanfield
LaKeith Stanfield
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Actor and Musician: LaKeith Stanfield has starred in critically acclaimed films like Sorry to Bother You and Judas and the Black Messiah. He’s also a rapper, releasing music under the moniker "Htiekal." In an interview with Black Girl Nerds, he said, “I love seeing us. I love seeing Black family dynamics, where the family is full and everyone’s present. Everyone’s there and they’re just a normal family. I love seeing those two pictures, because I think they’re just not there often. There can’t be enough of that. I’m interested in making people realize that there are plenty of Black families that exist together now, and they’re cool. Things like this just humanizes us.
Jeremy Pope
Jeremy Pope
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Actor and Singer: Jeremy Pope is a Tony-nominated Broadway star known for his roles in Choir Boy and Ain’t Too Proud. He also gained recognition for his work in Ryan Murphy’s Netflix series Hollywood. With his captivating presence and striking features, Jeremy has become a heartthrob who embodies our collective fantasies. His eyes, as deep and alluring as a midnight sky, draw you in like a gravitational pull.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
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From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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