Y’all…Y’ALL. Even though I am an oh-so-very-proud card-carrying member of the Gemini club, I make it no secret that my favorite month of the year is October. With that being said, I live in Nashville, and so I can’t tell you how much the October that just passed totally disappointed me on the weather front. Most days, we were still clocking at around 80 degrees (what the hell?!) easily (hmph. And some folks still don’t think that global warming is a “thing”…amazing).
Now that we’re nestled into November, I’m starting to see more fall-like weather. In fact, the day that I’m actually penning this, the high will be in the 50s (awesome), plus it’s raining (even better). Since I work from home, I adore everything about what’s happening outside because, to me, it is the quintessential type of autumn experience — and the perfect backdrop to pen a piece like this.
Okay, so getting into the spa thing. Did you know that approximately 25 percent of Americans have never visited a spa before? What in the world is going on? As someone who has been, more than just a few times over the years, the kind of pampering, indulgence, and stress-releasing that a formal spa visit provides — let me put it to you this way: if you’re someone who makes New Year’s resolutions, please add making a professional spa appointment to your list. There is nothing like it.
In the meantime, I’m going to share some things that you can do, from the comfort and convenience of your home, that can help you to create your own kind of wonderful spa-like oasis — all fall-themed, all super satisfying…on so many levels. Trust me.
Autumn Vibes: How to Create a DIY Fall Spa Retreat at Home
1. Fall-Themed Scented Soy Candles
Getty Images
Something that I’m always going to have in my home is some candles. I like the sensual lighting that they provide, along with the calming scents that they offer. The reason why I’m always gonna shout out soy candles is because they burn cleaner and last longer. So, before we get deeper into all of this, let’s start with the importance of getting yourself some candles (or a new set). In keeping with the fall theme — pumpkin, cinnamon, vanilla, apple, pomegranate, pine, sandalwood, bergamot, fireside, and ginger (or gingerbread) are just some that will give your home a super cozy feeling as you’re in the process of treating yourself.
2. A Fall-Themed Mocktail
Getty Images
Some of the more high-end spas are going to make sure that there is some wine or champagne along with some fruit (and maybe even a light meal) that’s ready and waiting for you. So, why not mimic that experience by serving your own self a cocktail or mocktail (a drink that doesn’t contain any alcohol in it)? It can be something as simple as sparkling apple cider or as “extra” as a ginger grapefruit refresher (recipe here), pumpkin spice espresso mocktini (here), sparkling cranberry mocktail (here), pear rosemary mocktail (here), or some non-alcoholic mulled wine (here). And that’s just a small sample of how many options like these are at your Google disposal, chile.
3. A Fall-Themed Bouquet of Flowers
Getty Images
Something that I used to do at the beginning of the (traditional/biblical) Sabbath (which is Friday sunset to Saturday sunset) is get myself a fresh bouquet of flowers as a way of celebrating the “ceasing of creating” (which is what Shabbat literally means). I need to get back into that because not only do fresh flowers make any space look prettier, they are relaxing, they improve our moods, and they help us to see things in a more positive light (research backs all of this).
So, set the scene for your at-home spa day by also picking up some flowers that are currently in season. Some of those include chrysanthemums, sunflowers, petunias, roses, canna lilies, Japanese anemones, African daisies, asters, coral bells, and violas.
(By the way, if you’re gonna go the professional florist route, Saturdays and Sundays are typically when they’ve got flowers on sale, while Mondays are the day when they typically restock everything.)
4. Fig and Honey Face Mask
Getty Images
Okay, so from here on out, all of the treatments that I’m recommending are ones that consist of ingredients that are in season right now; ones that you can easily make from home.
That said, let’s start with how the combination of figs and honey is really good for your skin. You probably already know that figs contain fiber that can help to keep you regular; figs are also able to keep your blood sugar levels where they need to be. However, did you also know that figs are high in antioxidants that can help your skin to produce more collagen?
Some studies say that figs are great at fighting dermatitis. As far as honey goes, there are properties in it that fight bacteria (honey is actually a really good all-natural pimple spot treatment), help to brighten your skin, and can even help to fade acne scars over time. So, why not treat yourself to a fig and honey face mask?
Recipe: Fig Face Mask for Healthy Skin
5. Or a Pomegranate and Papaya Face Pack
Getty Images
Another popular fruit right through this time of year is the pomegranate. It’s a bit irritating to open up, but it’s worth it once you do. Pomegranates have a whole lot of protein in them (over four grams per serving), fiber, vitamin C, folate, and antioxidants. Eating them regularly can help fight heart disease, reduce inflammation, and even give you more endurance during your workouts.
Skin-wise, pomegranates are known to effectively treat hyperpigmentation and acne and decrease signs of aging. If you bring papaya into the skin-treating mix, it will soften the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, as well as help to keep your breakouts under control.
Recipe: Pomegranate & Papaya Face Pack for Glowing Skin(this uses the oils, by the way)
6. Vanilla Extract Skin Toner
Getty Images
If you want to read the origin story of vanilla extract, it’s actually pretty interesting; you can check it out here. As it pertains to what we’re discussing today, as much as most folks only think of it as a way to flavor food, there are all kinds of health benefits that come from vanilla (in this form) as well. Vanilla extract can help to soothe coughing, decrease anxiety and depression-related symptoms, and even help to relieve period symptoms and sleeplessness.
As far as beauty goes, vanilla extract also can help to promote hair growth, slow down the appearance of aging, and keep your skin looking radiant and healthy too. That’s why I definitely had to make sure that vanilla was added to the DIY spa treatment list of recommendations. There are simply too many reasons to not overlook it.
Recipe: Vanilla Body Spray Recipe
7. Pumpkin Hair Conditioner
Getty Images
Pumpkin contains a crazy amount of vitamin A (per serving) and fiber. It’s also a pretty good source of vitamins C and E, iron, and potassium. If you want to consume pumpkin for your health, it’s full of antioxidants, strengthens your immune system, lowers your cancer risk, and it can help to strengthen your bones. Your hair will appreciate this particular fruit because pumpkin is also a good source of alpha-carotene, potassium, and zinc; all of these nutrients help to soften dry hair and promote hair growth at the same time. So, if you want to pamper your hair too by also turning your spa day into a wash day (check out “Here's How To Make Wash Day Less Of A Headache”), a pumpkin hair conditioner will be delightful on a few different levels.
8. A Chrysanthemum Bath
Getty Images
Without a doubt, one of the most popular flowers of the fall season is chrysanthemums. Sure, they’re pretty to look at, yet did you know that some people consume this flower in tea form because it is able to help reduce body inflammation, lower high blood pressure, and even help with weight loss? Since the properties in this flower are also high in antioxidants, and they can help to make you feel more relaxed, why not throw a couple of tea bags into your bath water?
Or, if you want to take things up a notch on the pampering tip, I found a company that sells a product that contains chrysanthemum flowers, ginger lemon, and sea salts, all for a pretty reasonable price here.
9. Fall-Scented Cuticle Oil
Getty Images
Cold weather can do a real number on your hands as far as dryness is concerned. And here’s the thing — dry hands can lead to raggedy cuticles or, even worse, hangnails. That’s why it’s so important to keep your nail cuticles moisturized, even in between manicure appointments. So, while you’re in the process of doing all of this pampering, don’t forget to either pick up or make some of your own cuticle oil. It’s not hard to DIY some of it. I’ll even do you a solid by including a recipe that has an in-season floral scent in the recipe: rose.
10. Pumpkin Foot Scrub
Getty Images
Thanks to the zinc, copper, and multiple forms of vitamin B, pumpkin can be really nourishing to your skin. It protects from UV ray damage (the sun is still out when it’s cold, y’all), can help to improve the texture of your skin, improves cell turnover (so that you get newer skin faster), and can soften the skin too. Keeping all of this in mind, if you’ve got dry feet and/or cracked heels, get them all the way together with an all-natural pumpkin foot scrub. When you’re rubbing your toes together (or on someone else) to keep warm at night, you’ll be so glad that you did.
Recipe: Pumpkin Pie Foot Scrub
11. Cranberry Foot Massage
Getty Images
Next to pumpkins, probably the most popular fall-related fruit is the cranberry. On the health and well-being tip, cranberries are a solid source of protein and fiber, they contain compounds that help to keep your vision strong and your liver in good shape, and you probably know that they can help to treat UTIs as well. Since cranberries also contain quite a bit of vitamin C, antioxidants, and anti-inflammatory properties if your feet are exhausted and you want to give them a bit of a boost, why not massage them (did you know that foot massages increase blood circulation, ease tension and help to relieve pain and discomfort too?) with some homemade cranberry oil (with the base ingredient being cranberry seed oil)?
Recipe: Cranberry Orange Body Oil
12. Pear Lip Scrub
Getty Images
I’ve always appreciated a good pear. I also like that they represent things like abundance and longevity. Anyway, they are another fruit that is in season during the fall, so try and get some so that you can get in on benefits like improved gut health, a lower diabetes risk, improved heart health, and lots of vitamin C and potassium. Since pears are also hailed as “the ultimate” when it comes to being a wonderful skin exfoliant, moisturizer, and lip treatment, that’s why you definitely should try your hand at making your own pear lip scrub. I’ve done it before and have had absolutely no regrets.
Recipe: Pear & Sugar Lip Scrub
BONUS: A Faux Maple Tree
Getty Images
If there’s a signature tree for the fall season, it’s probably the maple one. It represents things like strength, protection, and endurance. You know, something that I have in a couple of rooms of my house is faux trees. I adore everything about them because they help to “warm up” my space (visually). A tree in your bathroom can definitely help that room to feel more comfortable in the most unexpected ways.
If you want to test it out and see, add a faux maple tree to that spot. You can usually find smaller ones for under $30 (on Amazon) and under $70 for “miniature” large trees (if that makes sense — an example is here on Amazon too). Stores like Michaels (here) tend to carry them this time of year as well. I promise you that it’ll be hard to get out of the bathtub of yours with that addition being close by.
BONUS: Velvet Sheets
Getty Images
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who immediately wants to take a nap after getting pampered or pampering myself. If you want some bedding that will make you feel absolutely luxuriant, how about some sheets that are made out of velvet (or velvet fleece)? They look rich, feel super soft, are hypoallergenic, pretty easy to maintain, and will definitely keep you warm on those super chilly autumn nights.
_____
Listen, I’m not gonna let y’all off the hook as far as booking a professional spa appointment goes. However, as you can see, indulging yourself in your own place isn’t a bad idea either. After all, your home is your sanctuary space. So, this fall, why not spoil yourself with some pampering? As the year is starting to wind all the way down, I’m pretty sure that you’ll wholeheartedly agree with me when I say that you’ve totally earned it. Amen? Selah.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Jupiterimages/Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That
It’s no secret that I can’t stand fake orgasms. There are a billion reasons why — some of which I will get into in just a moment. For now, what I will say is, even if you can rationalize that faking orgasms will “get you out of” the sex that you may be having at the moment, when it comes to long-term satisfaction and benefits, how is faking it really going to get you anywhere? At least anywhere good — which is what you totally and absolutely deserve.
And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy