The female body is a truly magnificent and very layered thing. Take your vagina, for example. Think about how often you’ve heard or read something about it when it really wasn’t about the vagina at all — not technically. There are so many times when folks (myself included) will loop everything about the female genitalia together, probably because it’s easier to do. Still, I know for me personally that whenever I really devote some time to studying different parts by name, I stand amazed by how intricately designed we all are.
In honor of that, today, let’s give our vulvas — you know, the outer part of our vagina — some real love and time in the spotlight. Because although some of the things that I’m about to share, you may already know, something tells me that there are certain facts that, until now, you probably never knew about. Let’s see if I’m right.
(Oh, and if you’re wondering about the featured image, pomegranate is a symbol for the vagina; I’ve always liked that, so I thought it was super fitting.)
1. You’re Probably Referring to Your Vulva Most of the Time
GiphyAgain, isn’t it interesting how much we will talk about vaginas when, if you listen really closely, it’s clear that what we mean is vulvas? The reason why I say that is because while the vagina is a muscular tube that connects the neck of the uterus (which is the cervix) to the vaginal opening (mostly so that intercourse can transpire, babies can be born, and menstrual blood can be released), the vulva is the external part of the vagina — and there is more to it than most folks actually realize.
Per the National Library of Medicine:
“The definition of ‘vulva’ is covering or wrapping. From the exterior observation of the female external genitalia, it does appear to be covered or wrapped by skin folds. These skin folds are called the labia majora and labia minora. Both labia majora and labia minora are part of the vulva. The components of the entire vulva are the mons pubis, labia majora, labia minora, clitoris, urethra, vulva vestibule, vestibular bulbs, Bartholin's glands, Skene's glands, and vaginal opening.”
I know, right? Yeah, the vulva is more than just some skin that covers the vagina up. We need our vulvas on multiple levels and for multiple reasons. The clitoris (that I will get more into in a bit) is a part of the vulva. The hole that we urinate out of (yes, we have three, not two, holes), which is the urethra, is a part of our vulva. The Bartholin's glands and Skene's glands (which help us to naturally lubricate) — all of this stuff is a part of the vulva.
So yeah, in a world of Google articles where people act like the vagina and vulva are one and the same, I think that it’s highly important that we’re at least clear on the purpose that vulvas serve…because it’s all quite relevant and necessary. Every single part of it.
2. Vulvas Are Like Snowflakes
GiphyI used to tour with an organization that dealt with porn and sex addiction. That said, it’s my total belief that the reason why cosmetic labiaplasty is continuing to soar is because a lot of people watch porn and think that their vulva is supposed to look a certain way. Hear me when I say this: YOUR VULVA IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK THE WAY IT DOES. The reality is that, just like no two snowflakes are identical, no two vulvas are either. Even if yours happens to “stick out” a bit, there’s nothing wrong with that. It dangles? That’s fine, too. We really need to get back to remembering that unique is what’s beautiful — and rare.
So, is it ever a super wise move to get labiaplasty? If your extra folds of skin are proving to be painful, speak with your doctor. From what I’ve read and researched, though, doing it, just to make your vulva look different is something that many physicians discourage. After all, all surgery comes with a certain amount of risk, no matter what kind it may be.
3. Your Two Labia Serve Specific Purposes
GiphyYou might remember from one of your science classes that you have two different “lips” down below: your labia minora and your labia majora. Okay, but do you know the purpose that they serve? Your labia minora is actually the smaller, shorter, and thinner lips that divide at the clitoris. A fun fact about them is they don’t contain any hair follicles, and they’re actually more visible in children and women who’ve already completed menopause. Anyway, its main purpose is to protect your vaginal opening from dryness and vaginal irritants.
Your labia majora is what tends to get far more attention; it’s the external lips that cover up the labia minora. It’s filled with sebaceous glands (which produce lubrication), erectile tissue, and nerve endings. Definitely, your labia majora works overtime to make sexual pleasure possible, so clap for it a couple of times; it deserves it.
4. Labia Tends to Be Asymmetrical
GiphySo, what if your main issue is it seems that your lips are asymmetrical (uneven)? Is that something that you should stress out about? Nope. While sometimes this is the result of labial hypertrophy (a term for when your labia can be enlarged), it’s also important to remember that each side of your body is more like sisters than twins. That’s why one side of your hair may grow faster than the other, one of your eyebrows probably looks just like you want it whenever you wax or thread it, and the other doesn’t, and one of your breasts or feet (even hands) may be slightly larger than the other. Nothing is “wrong.” It’s just a part of how you were made. All good.
5. The Hymen Is a Part of the Vulva Too
GiphyA topic that continues to be pretty controversial, even in this day and age, is the hymen. Depending on who you speak to, it can hold a lot of spiritual weight and moral perspective. After I explain what it is, I’m pretty sure you’ll get why. The hymen is a thin membrane that covers the entrance of the vagina. It can be broken or torn by having sex for the first time OR from things like tampon use, pap smears, or even vigorous exercise.
Although a “missing” hymen does not indicate a “loss of virginity,” in some cultures, that is exactly how it is seen. For instance, a Congolese marriage tradition is to put sheets out for people to see the day after a couple’s wedding. If no blood is on them, they assume that the woman wasn’t a virgin and her husband could rescind his marriage offer (that’s not as “crazy” as you might think; in the Bible, when Joseph was considering ending his engagement to Mary, it was to protect her reputation since she was pregnant with Christ…and the Bible is an eastern cultured book — Matthew 1:18-25). In other parts of the world, it’s called “virginity testing.”
So, what is the purpose of the hymen? Again, it depends on who you ask. However, according to medical professionals, it holds no purpose. Personally, I find that hard to believe since everything else in our body does. Anyway, that’s just one more thing about the vulva that gets overlooked, so I thought that I should bring it up.
6. Your Labia Will Shrink As You Age
GiphyUsually, it’s right around menopause when many women notice something about their labia — it seems like it is literally shrinking…and they would be correct. As our bodies begin to produce less estrogen (because we’re producing less eggs and, eventually, no eggs), we can go through what is known as vaginal atrophy or atrophic vaginitis; it can result in thinner, dryer, and even inflamed vaginal walls.
Not only that, but your vagina can become shorter and tighter, and your labia can literally start to shrink, too. Hormone replacement therapy and estrogen creams can help (an all-natural approach to look into is wild yam). Also, many health professionals recommend staying sexually active — kind of the menopausal take to “if you use it, you won’t lose it.”
7. Your Clitoris Only Serves ONE Purpose
GiphyWanna know that your Creator definitely wanted you to experience sexual pleasure as a woman? It’s because you’ve got an organ that serves no other real and substantial scientific purpose other than to help you enjoy sex to its fullest — and that would be your clitoris. It’s attached to your labia. It is a glans that contains several thousands of nerve endings and then is covered up with a hood (one might say that it’s “female foreskin”). The inside of your clitoris consists of four main parts — most of which can get erect similar to how a penis can. When you’re aroused, blood rushes to your clitoris…also similar to what happens when a penis is aroused.
In fact, back when you were in the beginning stages of your development, you had something called an ambisexual genital tubercle. It is in there where either a penis or clitoris develops, and as you can see, in many ways, when it comes to sex, the two of them have a lot in common. Another example? Clitorises actually rely on testosterone (yes, women have testosterone in their bodies, too) to become erect.
8. Some Clitorises Are Larger than Penises
GiphyAnother way that penises and clitorises are alike is in the fact that, what you see isn’t all there is to either one of ‘em. For men, half of their penis is visible to the public (so, since the average size of an erect penis is 5.5”, it’s actually way larger than that in its totality). For women? Well, I’ll just let you look at a 3D print of a clitoris for yourself (here), and you’ll be able to get that some of them are easily larger than some penises are when you take every part of a clitoris into full account.
Actually, this is a great time to put on record that the inside of a vagina is anywhere from 2-5” (sometimes more when it’s sexually stimulated); however, remember that full babies come out of there. If you add to that the fact that some clitorises can rival penises — listen, you can handle just about any penis that you decide to take on. I promise you that.
9. Grooming Your Pubic Hair Could Give You a Self-Esteem Boost
GiphyWhile I was reading a Healthline article on pubic hair (here), it brought up a point that I had exactly considered before: grooming your pubic hair could ramp up your self-esteem. As I pondered that perspective, while I can’t relate to when it said that completely moving everything can make that happen, I have thought about how much I look forward to my wax appointments and how much more comfortable I feel after things are “cleaned up” down there.
Personally, I think that any time we prioritize self-maintenance and care, it can boost our confidence levels — including our sexual self-confidence (check out “10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem”). Just something to think about if pubic hair grooming isn’t something that you do. You might want to start. See how it makes you feel.
10. Pubic Hair Tends to Make Sex Better (Dead Serious)
GiphyI’ve got a girlfriend whose husband has been close to begging her to grow her pubic hair out for years now. I think I will send her this article once it’s published because, aside from the fact that pubic hair serves a practical purpose (protects your vagina from experiencing uncomfortable friction, keeps your vulva and vagina warm, and reduces your chances of experiencing STIs/STDs), it serves a sexual one — I mean, a sexual pleasure-based one.
As wild as it might sound, when your pubic region gets sexually stimulated, the follicles of your pubic hair actually “activate” your nervous system in a way that can intensify your arousal and, ultimately, your orgasms, too. If that ain’t a reason to let your Brazilian wax appointments go, I don’t know what is, chile.
BONUS: Don’t Wax While You’re PMS’ing
GiphyThis last one, I just thought it was interesting. If you’re like me and you like to wax or sugar parts of your pubic hair, go easy on your vulva during the time when you’re PMS’ing (the week before your period). Your body goes through a lot of changes during that time of the month, which puts it into an inflammatory state, which can make anything that’s even remotely painful feel that much more so. Getting your pubic hair together the week prior is a much wiser move.
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Who knew that the vulva had all of this going on, right? And although I’m pretty sure that even when you read my own future articles on the vagina, there will be times when I will include the vulva in with the word (because, again, it’s easier) — believe you me, I get that vulvas deserve to be celebrated. They do so much more for us than we realize.
So, whether it’s by applying a carrier oil to massage or soothe your vaginal lips (labia), making the time to do some vaginal mapping, or you simply want to take out a moment to tell your vagina “thank you” (check out “Here's How To Show Your Vagina Some Gratitude In This Season”) — don’t forget to pamper your vulva sometimes.
“She’s” earned it and you both deserve it.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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