Walking away doesn't make you weak, it means that you have the strength to discern whether or not the environment you're in is conducive to your growth. My mentor told me once that sometimes we don't know our own strength until we're forced to prove it.
Proving it can mean being strong enough to realize when the soil in which you're trying to thrive is not fertile.
I was loved harder than I've ever been loved by a man who I met in 2014. I compromised for him, as he sacrificed for me and our lives morphed in unison into a constant state of complacency.
We loved each other so hard that it was toxic, and I can now admit that I was in a mutually abusive relationship. We justified the pain we inflicted on each other with "I love you" and somewhere along the way our complacency transformed into resentment.
I was so engulfed in my love for him that I stopped tending to my own roots.
We found ourselves in a situation where I was unable to bear fruit, and he was too drained to water me.
The cycle continued because I chose to be blissfully unaware of the fact that I was no longer growing. Our union was charmingly unproductive because, "I love you."
Fabolous and his longtime girlfriend Emily B. recently experienced a very public domestic dispute that led the rapper to be arrested and the internet is having a field day, almost as though they aren't just two regular people who loved and built a life with one another, just as I had done with my ex.
Emily B. said that when she and Fab met in 2002, he noticed her from across the room and sent his brother over to talk to her; from then on, it was history. The couple later had two children and have maintained an on-and-off relationship for the past ten years.
As women, we are burdened by characteristics of empathy and vulnerability, so much so that we forget to check in with ourselves.
As lovers and mothers, we are so busy caring for the ones that we love, we don't take a minute to ourselves to ask, "Hey girl, are you good?" Emily B. is a reminder that sometimes your strength lies in your ability to foresee barriers to your growth.
I can remember with clarity the look in my ex's eyes while his hands were around my neck as I struggled in a bed at the Westin where we spent our last night together. When he released me from his strong hold, I realized that the love that had onced captivated us both had materialized into an intense animosity. I punched and kicked him with every ounce of energy I had in my body. And then…
One. Final. Blow.
He hit me in my stomach as I lie on the ground sobbing. I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. His remorse cut through the silence in the room like a knife. Our dog cowered, whining quietly under the bed.
The sweetest man I had ever known was a monster, and I had made him that way.
I knew that moment was a manifestation of the resentment we created from the inability to produce. That was the last time I saw him.
I am in no way saying that the victim is ever to blame in an abusive situation. But I can admit, we were both victims. For the last few months of our relationship, I blamed him for my lack of productivity, when the truth was: The soil in which I had attempted to grow was no longer fertile.
The well had run dry.
We have to be able to identify when a relationship is fruitless, and know when to walk away. I can't speculate on what happened in the privacy of Emily B. and Fab's relationship. But I can see that she is a woman who loved a man, just like I did.
Keep in mind that "I love you" will never be enough if you're not being properly fed in your relationship. Check in with you. Make sure you're full. If you find that you are deprived, whether the abuse you encounter is mental, emotional, or physical, unearth the strength to walk away.
He can't love you like you love you.
Featured image by J. Countess/WireImage
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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