Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour
A few months ago, in the article, "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have", I referenced a lil' tour that I took back in 2015 (wow, five years ago). At the time when I started it, I didn't know that I was on a mission to get my heart pieces back. But, as life would have it at the time, that is exactly what went down. Anyway, because I seem to get interviewed about "the tour" more and more, I decided it was only right to share with the xoTribe just what I did, why I did it, and how to played a huge role in making my heart truly whole again.
Why Our Hearts Are Do Divine and Must Be Protected at all Costs
The Classic Amplified Version of Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to, "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." If there's something that I tell soon-to-be parents is there are two things that children definitely need; two things that get overlooked far too often in the raising and nurturing (or, as the Bible puts it, "training"—Proverbs 22:6) process. First, children need to be taught how to be financially responsible and second, children need to be taught how to properly guard their heart. That second one is super layered because, by definition, the heart is a complex thing.
It's an organ that pumps blood throughout our bodies. It's the center of our emotions. It's also the center of our personality. In the Hebrew language, it's our mind and thoughts. Some synonyms for heart include our character, our soul and even our temperament. No wonder the Word tells us that out of our heart flows the springs of life. No wonder that a broken heart devastates—and sometimes totally alters us—so much.
This is why it's super crucial that we keep and guard our heart. For the record, this does not mean that we're supposed to be unapproachable, bitter or that we put up such a high wall up that no one can ever reach us. What it does mean is we need to handle our heart with an incredible amount of TLC. We need to be careful about who we let enter into our body. We need to be cautious about how we allow others to affect our emotions or influence our personality. Influence is a big freakin' deal. That's why we also need to watch what kind of folks are able to use their words, actions and even energy to infiltrate our thoughts.
Growing up, because I wasn't taught this well at all, I didn't know how to guard my heart. Sure, the rules in my house were semi-strict but what was modeled (parents, we watch what you do far more than what you say) was also pretty toxic. So, by the time I went to college and was in my own space, guys were able to…basically do with my heart whatever they wanted to. It wasn't until I got abstinent that I realized just how much damage had been done. Once I "detoxed", in the physical sense, from the 14 partners I had been with ("Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" pretty much breaks that down), I realized there were still parts of me that "belonged" to some of those men; belonged in ways that I had totally underestimated until I went…on tour.
What the Heck Is a “Get Your Heart Pieces Tour”, Anyway?
The love of my life. The one who got away. The best sex I ever had. These were the titles that I had given to certain men from my past. Although those resolves weren't untrue, because they were a part of my reality, those fellas still had a bit of power over me; power that I didn't even realize until I actually stopped and thought about my choices, my patterns and why, in some ways, I was stagnant when it came to my personal relational progress. And so, back in 2015, I decided that I would be intentional about finding those fellas and having a little convo with them.
The love of my life. When it came to this guy, clearly the Universe was in agreement that we needed to find real closure. I say that because my running statement is, "If you find your ex on Facebook, that's you. If you run into him in the grocery store, that's God." After looking for him for a couple of weeks (after not speaking for several years) and finally declaring to a friend that I was going to give it a month and then try to let it all go, the very next day after that phone call, I ran into ole' boy. It wasn't on Facebook, so you know what that means.
My first love had always been able to reel me back in, in a way that no other man could. But this time, I wasn't interested in romanticizing our situation. I wanted to know what the heck it was that we had been doing, basically since I was three months shy of 19. We talked off and on and met up a couple of times for a few weeks. Then one day, while we were having lunch, I realized that no matter how much he professed to love me, when we were in love, loved or liked each other, his treatment was pretty much the same. Meaning, there was no change in how he loved me beyond his words.
That a-ha moment gave me my heart piece back. I will always love him, no doubt. But that lunch—coupled with a run-in that we actually had in December—solidified the fact that we had a past, no future, and that the part of me that always kinda sorta held out hope that one day we'd be like the characters inLove Jones or Dear John wasn't going to—and didn't need to—happen. No longer do I have this sinking feeling and wondering suspicion that if I were to get married but he was to reach out, there would be a possibility that he might be able to reel me back in; even if it was just with an emotional affair (which is still cheating, y'all). The mouse hole is finally closed. That chapter—which was more like a novella—is done. Next stop.
The one who got away. Whew. This. Man. Right. Here. He's fine—and then some mo' fine. Smart. Charming. Accomplished. Hilarious. SEXY (and yes, I'm screaming the last part!). After all these years, he's still that. And, up until 2015, he was my biggest regret. Nothing was really "wrong" with us; the timing just was off. Way off. It was so off that one day, while he was in college, he called to say, "You're like crack and I choose to no longer be addicted." He hung up and I never heard from him again. I must admit that, in many ways, I totally got where he was coming from because I continued to think of him, sometimes dream about him, and always refer to him as the one who got away. This means that he still had some type of hold on me. So, one day I Googled him, found one of his office numbers (you can read between the lines right there, sis) and left a message referring to myself as "crack". Later that evening he called, we stayed on the phone for eight hours, partly discussing how, umm, ravenous we both made each other feel. Whew. I seriously considered hopping on a plane. ASAP.
Why didn't I? For a few reasons, really. One, it was evident that while there was still a deep connection there, spiritually, we are in very different places now. Secondly, I'm not so sure that reuniting wouldn't have been more than months—maybe years—of off-the-chain sex, nice dates, but not much more than that…on his part. But more than anything, he's divorced, and I hold a personal conviction about that (I Corinthians 7:10-11). Because my niche, as a marriage life coach, is reconciling divorces, I personally don't want to "be in the way" of a couple, who was once in that type of covenant, possibly getting back together. And so, after a few weeks of chatting—and I'll be honest, fantasizing—I sent him an email that it was so good to reconnect, to get to a good place, and to be able to wish him well. Now, he's no longer the guy who got away from me. He's just the fine divorced man who I used to know.
The best sex I ever had. How do you get past this one? Hmph. You might be surprised. As we emotionally heal and even physically mature, our take on what "best sex" is tends to shift (see "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be"). It was important for me to have a brief (LOL) conversation with this dude because, up until I did, I kept replaying how the physical part of the sex was without factoring in how absolutely wack everything else had been. I was never really "into him"; I liked the sex.
And chile, if you live on this earth long enough, you realize that great sex isn't super hard to come by; that oftentimes, sex is what you make it. Still, it was necessary to talk to him because now I don't feel like he has the ability to "hit some spots" like no other man can. He simply was one of the lucky ones who was privileged enough to do it. My future husband will be even more blessed. Yep. Got that heart piece back too.
Why It’s So Important to Restore Your Heart Before Moving Forward.
Although I can't recall exactly where it came from, I once heard someone say, "It's hard to walk away from a train wreck once the train has run you over." Indeed. Some of us don't realize that "the wreck" is a relationship (or several relationships) and "the train" is a guy. We don't get that we're emotionally stagnant, internally bitter or not thriving in a new relationship like we could and should be, and that it's all because there are men out here who still have parts of our heart. They still trigger our emotions. They are still able to love bomb or gaslight us. They prevent us from fully trusting. They keep us living in the past. They have us holding out. Or, perhaps worst of all, they are able to keep coming back—if not physically, mentally.
Man…when I tell you that words can't express, just how freeing it feels to know that, while there are some faint scars from some of my past experiences, all of the wounds are totally gone? It is so refreshing! Going on that tour has shown me that it really is possible to be fully restored, to not hate or even resent an ex and, no matter how deep or profound an experience—or set of experiences—may have been, it no longer has to affect or infect me. A tour can be "one and done". No matter how much of myself that I gave to a man, I can get all of me back.
All of this said, I will say this—the title of today's soul food for thought is a little bit of clickbait. Does every woman who has a past need to go on this kind of tour? Eh, probably not. But if you're like a lot of women I know who reflect on their past and have given men certain titles or accolades like the examples that I just provided, 8.5 times out of 10, what that means is those guys still have a stronger hold on them than they ever should. Whether those ladies realize—or choose to accept—it or not, those fellas still have a piece of their heart; a piece that they need to get back. That means that, on some level, they are stuck. And when you are stagnant, it is impossible to move forward. And you need to move forward.
If that means saying a prayer, taking a deep breath and hitting up an ex or two to have a talk, so be it. Better to get your heart piece via the clarity that you need than to allow a man to still have a part of you because you haven't found resolve with—or from—him. Take the tour. Get the T-shirt. I did. And I'm oh so very whole because of it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Reasons Why You STILL Can't Over Your Ex
How To Get Closure If Your Ex Won't Give It To You
Feature image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
The Mecca Of Fashion: The Top Street Style Moments At Howard Homecoming
Outfits were planned, bags were packed, and cameras were ready to capture Howard University's collegiate spirit during its centennial Homecoming celebration. Not only does it hold the number one ranking as the most elite Historically Black College and University or its top performing academics, diversity of students and alumni, but the HBCU also leaves a legacy of style and grace.
The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
Message From A Mad Black Woman: Y’all Keep The Blue Bracelets, We’ll Take Our Rest.
Mere hours after the 2024 presidential election results made it clear that the United States would need to gird its loins for a second Trump presidency, a gaggle of women ran over to social media to announce that blue bracelets would serve as a new sign of solidarity. A safe space, if you will.
This declaration came about in response to Black women openly voicing their disappointment in both the election results and exit poll data that showed that not just white people, but Latinos and women of “all other races” had played a surprising role in the now President-Elect, Donald Trump’s reelection.
These exit polls quickly became the object of Black women’s attention and ultimate disappointment. Because while Black women went out and reliably voted for Vice President Kamala Harris to the tune of 91%, white women handed Trump 53% of their collective vote, Latino women 36%, and women of “other races” 46%.
On the night of November 5, 2024, Black women were left in shock. This shock would morph into disappointment, and the disappointment was a consequence of what, some would begin to argue, felt like, well, betrayal.
Like Rome, though, this heart-wrenching disappointment wasn’t built in a day.
Screenshot from "2024 Exit Polls," NBC News, accessed Nov. 12, 2024.
The Set-Up
On Sunday, July 21, President Joe Biden announced that he would not be seeking reelection - a decision that followed the disastrous one-and-done debate against former president Donald Trump, the subsequent wavering of major donors, and growing calls for a new candidate to run on the Democrat’s ticket. Hours after Biden’s announcement, Vice President Kamala Harris would send Beyoncé's internet into a frenzy by announcing that she would seek the party’s nomination.
That July night, 44,000 Black women assembled via Zoom to stress test the limits of the meeting app, break historical fundraising records, and strategize - subsequently setting into motion a series of virtual meet-ups. As a result, more Zoom meetings cropped up, bringing together attendees connected through countless combinations of backgrounds, orientations, and genders.
One said meeting was held by and for 164,000 “White Women for Kamala” who’d come together to publicly declare that they’d regretted not doing more in 2016 and were ready to use their privilege for the sake of advocacy and allyship.
A woman wearing an anti-Trump button as she listens to Democratic presidential nominee VP Kamala Harris speak at a campaign event on Oct. 18, 2024.
Bill Pugliano/Getty Images
For months, white women made it a point to convince Black women that they were on board - ensuring us that they were ready to seize their second chance at pushing back on the pillars of the patriarchy. The same group who’d failed to answer the call of rejecting Trump’s racist, sexist, and xenophobic antics before swore, for months, that they’d seen the error of their ways and were looking for redemption. The alleged fix? Betting better. Doing more. Voting differently.
While there was an understanding undertone of apprehension from Black women, the rhetoric began to lend itself to hope — with some going so far as to lift the moratorium on cookout invites. There seemed to be a collective sigh. A brief moment of unity.
The Let-Down
Little did Black women know, they were about to be played like a fiddle by the same group who, like in 2016 and 2020, were more interested in their own self-preservation than in actual change. This short-lived hope was dashed on Nov. 5 as the true nature of performative allyship became evident.
Turns out, the Black women who’d served at the helm of the movement, bless their hearts, had been bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Swindled. Like a modern-day Boo Boo the Fool. Believing the hook, line, and sinker, it was almost cute, in a tragic sort of way. They saw the potential, the hope, and the promise, drinking the red Kool-Aid, so to speak, eagerly awaiting the revolution.
The excessive blue hearts and social media commentary pledging solidarity had turned out to be performative or had over-indexed the voices of the 44% who were actually in solidarity. Either way, the seemingly overwhelming allyship wasn’t there, reminding Black women that while they are constantly expected to stand on the front lines for so many, rarely is there any ally who will actually show up for them.
A History of Short-Lived, Self-Serving Allyship
The 2024 election wasn’t the first time we’d seen this type of performative allyship, though. While a noble concept in theory, the kinds of allyship that have been displayed in many movements across The States have far too often missed the actual point. In fact, throughout U.S. history, allyship has actually been used more as a tool to bolster a single group’s positioning in the social hierarchy rather than genuinely advocating for the progression of marginalized groups.
Think back to 2020. Just months after the COVID-19 pandemic forced much of the country into isolation, remote work, the acknowledgment of essential workers as, well, essential, and, for some reason, bread-making. For 9 minutes and 29 seconds, the world watched, helplessly, as a powerless George Floyd was slowly pulled away from the world, drained by Officer Derek Chauvin's knee to his nape. In a traumatic 8 minutes and 46 seconds, the world seemingly changed.
Ira L. Black/Corbis via Getty Images
Protests quickly spread across the globe, and along with it, a wave of “allyship” swept across America. Large corporations, scrambling to answer the calls of Black employees, consumers, and investors demanding that they use their financial prowess to do more to prevent the next Floyd, almost instantly began releasing statements of solidarity, pledging donations to “racial justice” causes, and promising to promote more Black employees.
However, as quickly as these gestures showed up, most were forgotten, with almost all proving to have provided minimal impact on the groups they’d pledged to help. While some companies, like Target, increased their spending on Black-owned businesses, others faced scrutiny for their lack of substantive change.
A study by Color Of Change found that only 17% of companies that pledged donations after Floyd's death had fulfilled their commitments. Data compiled by theWashington Post found that two years after America’s 50 largest publicly traded companies pledged a collective $50 billion to racial justice causes, just 37 had disbursed a collective $1.7 billion. What’s worse?
Ninety percent of the pledged amount - or $45.2 billion - had been allocated in the form of mortgages, loans, and investments that the companies themselves would more than likely benefit from. These companies said one thing and did another and still found a way to benefit from the delta.
Performative Allyship: Civil Rights & Women’s Liberation Movements
This type of allyship is new, though. It didn’t take long for powerful groups to figure out that the simple appearance of allyship was, for the most part, good for business and the bottom line. For decades, powerful entities have publicly supported movements only to be later found to have engaged in discriminatory practices, highlighting the consistent disconnect.
During the Civil Rights Movement, companies issued statements of solidarity and even donated to civil rights organizations, but behind the scenes, they continued to segregate their workforces and refuse to hire Black employees for higher-level positions. During the Women's Liberation Movement, advertisers capitalized on the feminist moment by incorporating imagery and slogans associated with women's empowerment into their campaigns, while the underlying message of many advertisements reinforced traditional gender roles and stereotypes.
The difference between what is said and what is done has time after time exposed the shallowness of allyship, highlighting how it has mostly served as a tool for public relations rather than a genuine commitment to social justice and to the marginalized groups who are most at risk by the upholding of the status quo.
For two election cycles straight, white women posed as allies and still voted in a way that upheld the power structure that they benefit from - with many understanding that the survival of white supremacy is of more value to them than sexism and misogyny is a threat. In 2016 and 2020, 52% and 55% of white women, respectively, decided that they’d rather keep their position of second place in the social hierarchy than risk dismantling it and being forced to find a new place in society.
Latino women and women of “all of the races” followed the trend - blatantly ignoring the warnings of the same Black women who have not only been on the front lines of social justice but who are often called into the lead movements in communities that are not there own - increasing their support for Trump between 2016 and 2025 by 13% and 15% respectively.
Screenshot from "2020 Exit Polls," NBC News, accessed Nov. 12, 2024.
The Blue Bracelets are Going to Be A “No”
On the night of Nov. 5, 2024, Black women watched their country look at a qualified, experienced, capable, and willing Black woman and say, “Nah, we good.” It was on this night that a group that had been denied democratic rights for centuries, but had still attempted to rescue American democracy far too many times, only to be let down, put away the warnings, and began issuing a new declaration - they were opting out.
Black women have decided to lean into rest and recuperation - uninterested in any additional work that will, more than likely, end in disappointment and betrayal. For many Black women, the suggestion to wear blue bracelets as a symbol of solidarity is patronizing and dismissive of a greater and more complex issue. It’s a way to absolve the women who let Black women down for failing to keep promises made while simultaneously positioning the wearer as morally superior.
It fails to address the historically deep betrayal that Black women have experienced at the hands of their country and, more specifically, their own countrywomen. The request reduces the fight for equality to a simple, superficial gesture when allyship isn’t aesthetic and Black women deserve more than a symbol.
While the blue bracelets may be the new fashion choice for white women attempting to set themselves apart, to symbolize that they were on the right side of history, for many Black women, it’ll always be difficult to trust. In fact, it may serve as a symbol of a hollow and fleeting promise for the Black women who have done the tireless and thankless work for justice and equality.
For now, Black women are choosing themselves. Anywhere between a few days and the next four years should be enough time to reset and recoup. And who knows, they may even find the excess capacity means energy to train as pilots, restart forgotten yoga practices, expand the business, or earn that second Ph.D.
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Featured illustration by nadia_bormotova/Getty Images