
Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour

A few months ago, in the article, "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have", I referenced a lil' tour that I took back in 2015 (wow, five years ago). At the time when I started it, I didn't know that I was on a mission to get my heart pieces back. But, as life would have it at the time, that is exactly what went down. Anyway, because I seem to get interviewed about "the tour" more and more, I decided it was only right to share with the xoTribe just what I did, why I did it, and how to played a huge role in making my heart truly whole again.
Why Our Hearts Are Do Divine and Must Be Protected at all Costs
The Classic Amplified Version of Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to, "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." If there's something that I tell soon-to-be parents is there are two things that children definitely need; two things that get overlooked far too often in the raising and nurturing (or, as the Bible puts it, "training"—Proverbs 22:6) process. First, children need to be taught how to be financially responsible and second, children need to be taught how to properly guard their heart. That second one is super layered because, by definition, the heart is a complex thing.
It's an organ that pumps blood throughout our bodies. It's the center of our emotions. It's also the center of our personality. In the Hebrew language, it's our mind and thoughts. Some synonyms for heart include our character, our soul and even our temperament. No wonder the Word tells us that out of our heart flows the springs of life. No wonder that a broken heart devastates—and sometimes totally alters us—so much.
This is why it's super crucial that we keep and guard our heart. For the record, this does not mean that we're supposed to be unapproachable, bitter or that we put up such a high wall up that no one can ever reach us. What it does mean is we need to handle our heart with an incredible amount of TLC. We need to be careful about who we let enter into our body. We need to be cautious about how we allow others to affect our emotions or influence our personality. Influence is a big freakin' deal. That's why we also need to watch what kind of folks are able to use their words, actions and even energy to infiltrate our thoughts.
Growing up, because I wasn't taught this well at all, I didn't know how to guard my heart. Sure, the rules in my house were semi-strict but what was modeled (parents, we watch what you do far more than what you say) was also pretty toxic. So, by the time I went to college and was in my own space, guys were able to…basically do with my heart whatever they wanted to. It wasn't until I got abstinent that I realized just how much damage had been done. Once I "detoxed", in the physical sense, from the 14 partners I had been with ("Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" pretty much breaks that down), I realized there were still parts of me that "belonged" to some of those men; belonged in ways that I had totally underestimated until I went…on tour.
What the Heck Is a “Get Your Heart Pieces Tour”, Anyway?
The love of my life. The one who got away. The best sex I ever had. These were the titles that I had given to certain men from my past. Although those resolves weren't untrue, because they were a part of my reality, those fellas still had a bit of power over me; power that I didn't even realize until I actually stopped and thought about my choices, my patterns and why, in some ways, I was stagnant when it came to my personal relational progress. And so, back in 2015, I decided that I would be intentional about finding those fellas and having a little convo with them.
The love of my life. When it came to this guy, clearly the Universe was in agreement that we needed to find real closure. I say that because my running statement is, "If you find your ex on Facebook, that's you. If you run into him in the grocery store, that's God." After looking for him for a couple of weeks (after not speaking for several years) and finally declaring to a friend that I was going to give it a month and then try to let it all go, the very next day after that phone call, I ran into ole' boy. It wasn't on Facebook, so you know what that means.
My first love had always been able to reel me back in, in a way that no other man could. But this time, I wasn't interested in romanticizing our situation. I wanted to know what the heck it was that we had been doing, basically since I was three months shy of 19. We talked off and on and met up a couple of times for a few weeks. Then one day, while we were having lunch, I realized that no matter how much he professed to love me, when we were in love, loved or liked each other, his treatment was pretty much the same. Meaning, there was no change in how he loved me beyond his words.
That a-ha moment gave me my heart piece back. I will always love him, no doubt. But that lunch—coupled with a run-in that we actually had in December—solidified the fact that we had a past, no future, and that the part of me that always kinda sorta held out hope that one day we'd be like the characters inLove Jones or Dear John wasn't going to—and didn't need to—happen. No longer do I have this sinking feeling and wondering suspicion that if I were to get married but he was to reach out, there would be a possibility that he might be able to reel me back in; even if it was just with an emotional affair (which is still cheating, y'all). The mouse hole is finally closed. That chapter—which was more like a novella—is done. Next stop.
The one who got away. Whew. This. Man. Right. Here. He's fine—and then some mo' fine. Smart. Charming. Accomplished. Hilarious. SEXY (and yes, I'm screaming the last part!). After all these years, he's still that. And, up until 2015, he was my biggest regret. Nothing was really "wrong" with us; the timing just was off. Way off. It was so off that one day, while he was in college, he called to say, "You're like crack and I choose to no longer be addicted." He hung up and I never heard from him again. I must admit that, in many ways, I totally got where he was coming from because I continued to think of him, sometimes dream about him, and always refer to him as the one who got away. This means that he still had some type of hold on me. So, one day I Googled him, found one of his office numbers (you can read between the lines right there, sis) and left a message referring to myself as "crack". Later that evening he called, we stayed on the phone for eight hours, partly discussing how, umm, ravenous we both made each other feel. Whew. I seriously considered hopping on a plane. ASAP.
Why didn't I? For a few reasons, really. One, it was evident that while there was still a deep connection there, spiritually, we are in very different places now. Secondly, I'm not so sure that reuniting wouldn't have been more than months—maybe years—of off-the-chain sex, nice dates, but not much more than that…on his part. But more than anything, he's divorced, and I hold a personal conviction about that (I Corinthians 7:10-11). Because my niche, as a marriage life coach, is reconciling divorces, I personally don't want to "be in the way" of a couple, who was once in that type of covenant, possibly getting back together. And so, after a few weeks of chatting—and I'll be honest, fantasizing—I sent him an email that it was so good to reconnect, to get to a good place, and to be able to wish him well. Now, he's no longer the guy who got away from me. He's just the fine divorced man who I used to know.
The best sex I ever had. How do you get past this one? Hmph. You might be surprised. As we emotionally heal and even physically mature, our take on what "best sex" is tends to shift (see "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be"). It was important for me to have a brief (LOL) conversation with this dude because, up until I did, I kept replaying how the physical part of the sex was without factoring in how absolutely wack everything else had been. I was never really "into him"; I liked the sex.
And chile, if you live on this earth long enough, you realize that great sex isn't super hard to come by; that oftentimes, sex is what you make it. Still, it was necessary to talk to him because now I don't feel like he has the ability to "hit some spots" like no other man can. He simply was one of the lucky ones who was privileged enough to do it. My future husband will be even more blessed. Yep. Got that heart piece back too.
Why It’s So Important to Restore Your Heart Before Moving Forward.
Although I can't recall exactly where it came from, I once heard someone say, "It's hard to walk away from a train wreck once the train has run you over." Indeed. Some of us don't realize that "the wreck" is a relationship (or several relationships) and "the train" is a guy. We don't get that we're emotionally stagnant, internally bitter or not thriving in a new relationship like we could and should be, and that it's all because there are men out here who still have parts of our heart. They still trigger our emotions. They are still able to love bomb or gaslight us. They prevent us from fully trusting. They keep us living in the past. They have us holding out. Or, perhaps worst of all, they are able to keep coming back—if not physically, mentally.
Man…when I tell you that words can't express, just how freeing it feels to know that, while there are some faint scars from some of my past experiences, all of the wounds are totally gone? It is so refreshing! Going on that tour has shown me that it really is possible to be fully restored, to not hate or even resent an ex and, no matter how deep or profound an experience—or set of experiences—may have been, it no longer has to affect or infect me. A tour can be "one and done". No matter how much of myself that I gave to a man, I can get all of me back.
All of this said, I will say this—the title of today's soul food for thought is a little bit of clickbait. Does every woman who has a past need to go on this kind of tour? Eh, probably not. But if you're like a lot of women I know who reflect on their past and have given men certain titles or accolades like the examples that I just provided, 8.5 times out of 10, what that means is those guys still have a stronger hold on them than they ever should. Whether those ladies realize—or choose to accept—it or not, those fellas still have a piece of their heart; a piece that they need to get back. That means that, on some level, they are stuck. And when you are stagnant, it is impossible to move forward. And you need to move forward.
If that means saying a prayer, taking a deep breath and hitting up an ex or two to have a talk, so be it. Better to get your heart piece via the clarity that you need than to allow a man to still have a part of you because you haven't found resolve with—or from—him. Take the tour. Get the T-shirt. I did. And I'm oh so very whole because of it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Reasons Why You STILL Can't Over Your Ex
How To Get Closure If Your Ex Won't Give It To You
Feature image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak