Every time I have a conversation with a friend or I'm interviewed about relationships and I mention that there is something unique that I've learned from each person I've had sex with, I get a reply along the lines of "C'mon. Every single guy?!"
Yep. Every single one.
I know most people don't believe me. I think it's because I've never sat down in an open forum and broken down what my takeaway was from all 14 of those dudes. Hmph. There's no time like the present…right?
Why do I feel that this is a relevant thing to do? The answer to that question is about a book long, but here's the gist—I firmly believe that each of our bodies is sacred. I also know that oxytocin—the hormone that makes us bond to the people we have sex with—is very real. Plus, nothing that happens to us (especially something as profound as sexual activity) is empty or pointless. There is something that can be gained from each and every experience. Something that can change us for the better—if we allow it to.
So, my hope is that after I conduct this brief rundown of the 14 physical and 14 emotional things that I gathered from each person I slept with that it will encourage you to see the good, bad and indifferent sexual adventures of your own life as moments. My hope is that you will be open to seeing that just like sex is a physical and emotional experience, every experience you have has carved out something sexual and emotional that you probably still carry with you—even now. These were my experiences:
Partner #1
Sexually, he taught me that first-time sex isn't all that painful, messy, or scary so long as your partner cares about you. Emotionally, he taught me that when you come from a broken family dynamic, you should heal before getting into a relationship—with anyone.
Partner #2
Sexually, he taught me that just because a man goes down on you, that doesn't mean you're special to him. Emotionally, he taught me that a man can always make time to cheat on his girlfriend; even if that means hiding you in his closet whenever she comes over.
Partner #3
Sexually, he taught me that men are just as vulnerable about trying new things as women are. He also taught me that the 69 position is awkward as crap. Emotionally, he taught me that a man who is content with just being in your space, sex or no sex, is the sexiest kind of man there is.
Partner #4
Sexually, he taught me that not all men like to receive oral sex even if they enjoy giving it (weird but true). Emotionally, he taught me that if a man doesn't want anyone to know that you're sleeping with him, he isn't worthy of sleeping with you. Point, blank and period.
Partner #5
Sexually, he taught me that men can be in love with one woman and sexually sprung on another (men really do compartmentalize more than we do). Emotionally, he taught me that being sexually sprung doesn't equate to there being a true emotional connection.
Partner #6
Sexually, he taught me that uninhibited sex will give you memories (and chills) to last a lifetime. Emotionally, he taught me that there really is such a thing as the perfect man at the wrong time; that you really can "pluck fruit" before it is ripe.
Partner #7
Sexually, he taught me that some men try to turn women out for the sake of their own ego more than a woman's own pleasure. Emotionally, he taught me that a guy's first time can totally damage his ability to be intimate if he's not careful (in this case, his brother locked him in a bedroom with a grown woman and wouldn't let him out until he had sex with her; he was 12 at the time).
Partner #8
Sexually, he taught me that fine-and-still-some-mo-fine doesn't necessarily make a great sex partner, and a man's height and shoe size have NOTHING to do with the size of his genitalia (he was well over 6'6"). Emotionally, he taught me that if you tell a man you don't want something serious, you'd better mean it. Time, sex, and intense experiences usually won't change what he mentally signed up for from Day One.
Partner #9
Sexually, he taught me that some guys will do certain things with certain women that they won't do with their own girlfriends or wives (I'm still unpacking this one). Emotionally, he taught me that no matter how much a man may like you, if he doesn't love himself, he's going to do you harm. One way or another. Eventually.
Partner #10
Sexually, he taught me that sex with a narcissist is some of the worst sex on the planet, no matter how good it feels (some of y'all will catch that later). Emotionally, he taught me that if you only make decisions to please another person, you're going to resent them, and to some degree, hate yourself before it's all over.
Partner #11
Sexually, he taught me that a freak is sometimes not worth the headache. Emotionally, he taught me that some men don't know how to relate to a woman outside of the bedroom.
Partner #12
Sexually, he taught me that some of the best sex doesn't come with an orgasm, just a strong connection. Emotionally, he taught me that a lot of men are far more emotionally-unstable than many women are; their signs are just a little more cryptic.
Partner #13
Sexually, he taught me that if you say "no" it's rape. Even if you've said "yes" to that same person before. Emotionally, he taught me that a lot of men who rape have been raped—they just don't want to admit it to themselves.
Partner #14
Sexually, he taught me that size doesn't matter nearly as much as most women think it does (our vaginas are only 2-3" and the average penis is 5" erect). Emotionally, he taught me that you can't talk yourself into loving someone, no matter how awesome they are. Either you're feelin' them or you're not.
Here's the thing.
If I lumped all of these experiences together, if I didn't pull each one apart, not only would I run the risk of repeating the same lessons over and over again, but I wouldn't have been able to honor each journey.
That's a part of the reason why I'm not big on the whole "casual sex" way of thinking. My mind, heart, and body are too purposeful for any sexual experience to have no rhyme or reason. I lived it. I've learned from it. It matured me emotionally and better prepared me…sexually.
I bet if you pulled out a piece of paper and jotted down what your sex partners have taught you both sexually as well as emotionally, you'd walk away sharing the same sentiments. It could do wonders for how you process your sexual past and help you determine how you choose to live out your sexual future.
So thanks, fellas. There's a lot of y'all I would've done differently—by not doing you at all. Yet, I'm thankful for the experiences that made me who I am. I'm someone who now knows that every sexual experience contains a sexual and emotional component, which is exactly why we should do our best to always choose our sex partners wisely.
Originally published on November 30, 2018
Featured image via Gyfcat
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert