There are a billion-and-one things that fascinate me about sex and human nature. Today, I'm gonna take on something that's probably on my top 20 list—how couples feel about sex immediately following an argument. In the sessions that I have with husbands and wives, it's about a 50/50 split between the ones (usually the wives) who want to do anything in the world but have sex with their partner vs. those who are more turned on than ever after a disagreement.
When I ask the ones who aren't interested why that is the case, they usually say something along the lines of sex is a way to feel close to their partner and, after an argument, the last place they want to be is up under their spouse. But when I ask the couples who almost see arguing like an aphrodisiac, well, they say a lot of what I researched on the topic; stuff that I'm about to share with you in a just a sec.
If you and/or your partner are someone who finds sex following a fight—not a fight fight but a war of words—to be erotic AF and a part of you has always wondered why, here's what science has to say about the matter.
What Physically Makes Us Want to Have Sex After an Argument?
Your man sends you a text while you're at work that automatically rubs you the wrong way. You immediately respond. 15 minutes later, he hits you back with a two-word reply that only irritates you further. You call and he pushes you to voicemail, so you decide to handle it when you get home because now, he's got you all distracted and you need to complete the project that you're working on. He hits you up while you're in traffic, says something that triggers you and now it's on. You're both in a full-on argument. As ridiculous as you know that it is, you hang up while he's in mid-sentence. You're pissed. Lord knows you are. But there's also a part of you that can't get ripping his clothes off as soon as possible off of your mind. What's really going on?
Whenever we get angry, there are four (main) things that usually transpire. We get an adrenaline rush; our heart rate increases; interestingly enough, our cortisol (our natural stress hormone) levels decrease, and our testosterone levels elevate. Guess the other time when these same things happen? During sexual activity, including sexual arousal.
OK, so not to totally derail us from the matter at hand, but perhaps now it makes better sense why some murders (that are featured on shows like Fatal Attraction or Snapped) are considered to be "passion killings". People may love—or think that they love—their victim, they might wholeheartedly believe that their violence is an act of passion but really, it's rooted in anger. Not passion. Anger. But, if you only listen to what your body is telling you, it can be hard to tell the difference.
This is why make-up sex is cool, but it isn't something that should be solely relied on to handle an issue or fix a problem. Your horniness may be a normal physical reaction to the intensity of your situation, but if you're not careful, you could still be seething with anger once the orgasm is over and you have time to think some more about what made you so angry in the first place. This means you're not really at a place of resolve. And yeah, that's not good.
In fact, one clinical psychologist finds the whole get-it-on-after-an-argument pattern to be something that could potentially cause more harm than good. Here's why he says that.
Did You Know That Make-Up Sex Is Similar to a Hardcore Drug Addiction?
Several years back, HuffPost published an article with a pretty jarring title to it—"Make-Up Sex Is Like Cocaine Addiction, Says Clinical Psychologist". In it, the clinical psychologist goes on to share that because arguing doesn't make us feel good, we naturally want to find something to "flip the switch" to change things into a more positive direction. For a lot of us, the quickest and easiest way to do that is to have sex.
And just what does that have to do with snorting a line of coke? Well, in the Health article "8 Ways Sex Affects Your Brain", peep what the title of its second point is—"Sex Is Like a Drug". Something that point says is the intense pleasure that we feel due to sexual activity is, in part, because of the dopamine release that transpires. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter within our brain that "rewards" us with feel-good emotions. Other than sex, guess when else dopamine creeps up? When folks are high on some type of drug.
The article even went on to basically confirm what the clinical psychologist said. It shared that while the high from climaxing and the high from being on coke are not identical, they do trigger the same parts of the brain, resulting in similar effects (so does caffeine, nicotine and chocolate, by the way; just on a less intense level).
Y'all, I totally get this too because, back in my sexin' days, I had no problem admitting when I was a-dick-ted to someone. No matter how often they pissed me off, no matter how many Bat signals that seemed to flash over my bed to alert me that my relationship (or situationship) with them definitely had a shelf life, it seemed like the more upset with them I got, the more I wanted them and the better the sex would be. Now I know why.
Is Sex After an Argument Automatically a Bad Thing?
With all of this info now in your psyche, you might be wondering if the whole sex-after-an-argument move is a bad—or even toxic—one. If I had to give a firm "yes" or "no", I'd go with no. But if I was able to immediately follow that up with a sentence, I would also say, "Just make sure that it's not a cycle or a way to avoid actually dealing with the reason why you and yours were fighting in the first place." Especially if you are married or are planning to get married.
The reason why I say that is because, while sex is hands down one of the best ways to connect with your partner, let's be real—animals have sex and it's not for the purpose of "emotionally connecting". Folks engage sex workers and they're not trying to get closer to them either. So no, to automatically assume that sex is what will bring you and your partner together, every time, on a mental, emotional and spiritual level, is a really big assumption.
One that could end up being a great disillusion; especially if you're doing it right after a disagreement. The only way to really be sure that it's all good between the two of you is to talk things out; to not get so used to the high-then-relaxed feeling that sex brings that you ignore the underlying issues at hand.
If you ignore this lil' heads up, you could look up, two or even 10 years from now, and end up calling it quits anyway. Why? Because while the sex may still be good, you're also still arguing about the same stuff that you've always been.
I don't know about you, but I think the greatest takeaway for me is that our bodies shouldn't be trusted to solely dictate how we respond or react to our partner, even if our bodies are aroused by them. So, the next time your man gets under your skin or a full-on argument goes down and you feel like it's totally turning you on, take a few steps back to see if it's horniness or anger that you're actually feeling. And, since sex is a lot like a drug, "sober up" a little before doing anything, one way or another.
Passionate sex is hot. But sex in anger can really ride a fine line between erotic and toxic. Make sure to keep that in mind, the next time you're about to partake in sex immediately following an argument, OK? Cool.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
If You're In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight.
The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
Feature image by Giphy
- 15 Sex Hacks For Better Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Passion Sex, Passion Makes Sex Better - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Three Lies About Premarital Sex - Focus on the Family ›
- Did the Physical Violence Ever Lead to Sex? ›
- The Right Way to Have Make-Up Sex In a Healthy Relationship ... ›
- Why we want to have sex after an argument ›
- Bachelorette Hannah Finally Sends Luke Home After Argument ›
- Why men prefer to resolve arguments with sexual favours (apparently) ›
- Why Make-Up Sex and Breakup Sex Are So Good | Psychology Today ›
- Arguments That May Mean the End of Your Relationship | The Healthy ›
- What to Do After a Fight - What You Shouldn't Do After an Argument ... ›
- Why People Have Makeup Sex After An Argument (And Why It's So ... ›
RELATED
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
GiphyThe first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
GiphyThere is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
GiphyIf someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
GiphyWanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
GiphyEver notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
GiphyI am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
GiphyThere is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
____
Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images