There are a billion-and-one things that fascinate me about sex and human nature. Today, I'm gonna take on something that's probably on my top 20 list—how couples feel about sex immediately following an argument. In the sessions that I have with husbands and wives, it's about a 50/50 split between the ones (usually the wives) who want to do anything in the world but have sex with their partner vs. those who are more turned on than ever after a disagreement.
When I ask the ones who aren't interested why that is the case, they usually say something along the lines of sex is a way to feel close to their partner and, after an argument, the last place they want to be is up under their spouse. But when I ask the couples who almost see arguing like an aphrodisiac, well, they say a lot of what I researched on the topic; stuff that I'm about to share with you in a just a sec.
If you and/or your partner are someone who finds sex following a fight—not a fight fight but a war of words—to be erotic AF and a part of you has always wondered why, here's what science has to say about the matter.
What Physically Makes Us Want to Have Sex After an Argument?
Your man sends you a text while you're at work that automatically rubs you the wrong way. You immediately respond. 15 minutes later, he hits you back with a two-word reply that only irritates you further. You call and he pushes you to voicemail, so you decide to handle it when you get home because now, he's got you all distracted and you need to complete the project that you're working on. He hits you up while you're in traffic, says something that triggers you and now it's on. You're both in a full-on argument. As ridiculous as you know that it is, you hang up while he's in mid-sentence. You're pissed. Lord knows you are. But there's also a part of you that can't get ripping his clothes off as soon as possible off of your mind. What's really going on?
Whenever we get angry, there are four (main) things that usually transpire. We get an adrenaline rush; our heart rate increases; interestingly enough, our cortisol (our natural stress hormone) levels decrease, and our testosterone levels elevate. Guess the other time when these same things happen? During sexual activity, including sexual arousal.
OK, so not to totally derail us from the matter at hand, but perhaps now it makes better sense why some murders (that are featured on shows like Fatal Attraction or Snapped) are considered to be "passion killings". People may love—or think that they love—their victim, they might wholeheartedly believe that their violence is an act of passion but really, it's rooted in anger. Not passion. Anger. But, if you only listen to what your body is telling you, it can be hard to tell the difference.
This is why make-up sex is cool, but it isn't something that should be solely relied on to handle an issue or fix a problem. Your horniness may be a normal physical reaction to the intensity of your situation, but if you're not careful, you could still be seething with anger once the orgasm is over and you have time to think some more about what made you so angry in the first place. This means you're not really at a place of resolve. And yeah, that's not good.
In fact, one clinical psychologist finds the whole get-it-on-after-an-argument pattern to be something that could potentially cause more harm than good. Here's why he says that.
Did You Know That Make-Up Sex Is Similar to a Hardcore Drug Addiction?
Several years back, HuffPost published an article with a pretty jarring title to it—"Make-Up Sex Is Like Cocaine Addiction, Says Clinical Psychologist". In it, the clinical psychologist goes on to share that because arguing doesn't make us feel good, we naturally want to find something to "flip the switch" to change things into a more positive direction. For a lot of us, the quickest and easiest way to do that is to have sex.
And just what does that have to do with snorting a line of coke? Well, in the Health article "8 Ways Sex Affects Your Brain", peep what the title of its second point is—"Sex Is Like a Drug". Something that point says is the intense pleasure that we feel due to sexual activity is, in part, because of the dopamine release that transpires. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter within our brain that "rewards" us with feel-good emotions. Other than sex, guess when else dopamine creeps up? When folks are high on some type of drug.
The article even went on to basically confirm what the clinical psychologist said. It shared that while the high from climaxing and the high from being on coke are not identical, they do trigger the same parts of the brain, resulting in similar effects (so does caffeine, nicotine and chocolate, by the way; just on a less intense level).
Y'all, I totally get this too because, back in my sexin' days, I had no problem admitting when I was a-dick-ted to someone. No matter how often they pissed me off, no matter how many Bat signals that seemed to flash over my bed to alert me that my relationship (or situationship) with them definitely had a shelf life, it seemed like the more upset with them I got, the more I wanted them and the better the sex would be. Now I know why.
Is Sex After an Argument Automatically a Bad Thing?
With all of this info now in your psyche, you might be wondering if the whole sex-after-an-argument move is a bad—or even toxic—one. If I had to give a firm "yes" or "no", I'd go with no. But if I was able to immediately follow that up with a sentence, I would also say, "Just make sure that it's not a cycle or a way to avoid actually dealing with the reason why you and yours were fighting in the first place." Especially if you are married or are planning to get married.
The reason why I say that is because, while sex is hands down one of the best ways to connect with your partner, let's be real—animals have sex and it's not for the purpose of "emotionally connecting". Folks engage sex workers and they're not trying to get closer to them either. So no, to automatically assume that sex is what will bring you and your partner together, every time, on a mental, emotional and spiritual level, is a really big assumption.
One that could end up being a great disillusion; especially if you're doing it right after a disagreement. The only way to really be sure that it's all good between the two of you is to talk things out; to not get so used to the high-then-relaxed feeling that sex brings that you ignore the underlying issues at hand.
If you ignore this lil' heads up, you could look up, two or even 10 years from now, and end up calling it quits anyway. Why? Because while the sex may still be good, you're also still arguing about the same stuff that you've always been.
I don't know about you, but I think the greatest takeaway for me is that our bodies shouldn't be trusted to solely dictate how we respond or react to our partner, even if our bodies are aroused by them. So, the next time your man gets under your skin or a full-on argument goes down and you feel like it's totally turning you on, take a few steps back to see if it's horniness or anger that you're actually feeling. And, since sex is a lot like a drug, "sober up" a little before doing anything, one way or another.
Passionate sex is hot. But sex in anger can really ride a fine line between erotic and toxic. Make sure to keep that in mind, the next time you're about to partake in sex immediately following an argument, OK? Cool.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
If You're In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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