

I know. This one might sound a little weird off top but trust me when I say that it comes from very up close and personal experience. Where to begin. Hmm. While I didn't really discover my true bra size until my 40s (damn shame; it's a 36H, by the way), when it came to sexual activity, my breasts were a spot that was almost always my sex partners' immediate go-to. Looking back, I think their logic was, since my breasts are so big, surely caressing them, kissing them and whatever-else-ing them would automatically get me off, right? WRONG. Although a few guys were the exception, for the most part, focusing a lot on my breasts during foreplay was semi-irritating, if not straight up annoying AF (more on that in a sec).
That fact is what inspired me to write this all out. We've all got erogenous zones, so true, so true. Yet if you happen to be someone who semi-suffers in silence because the areas that you need tending to oftentimes go overlooked while "the obvious ones" get more attention than what you'd actually prefer, you are not alone, sis. From personal experience and empathy, here's what you can do about it.
What Is an Erogenous Zone Exactly?
Let's start off with what an erogenous zone is and what some of the more common ones are. The really basic explanation of an erogenous zone is it's a place on you or your partner's body that is or can be easily sexually aroused; it's the go-to spots during foreplay.
Here's the thing, though. Oftentimes, when the topic of erogenous zones comes up, it's the popular places that get a ton of the focus. Those would be places like the ears, neck, breasts (or even just the nipples), naval, genital region, and, of course, the mouth. Since these are the "zones" that get so much clout (in the media, especially), it's common for partners to automatically go to these spots because they assume that their partner wants them to.
Here's the thing about that. There are tons of other places that get people "ready to go" that have nothing to do with the areas that I just mentioned. Other spots that are turn-ons for some people include their scalp; inner wrists; hands (and/or fingers); armpits (no, for real); thighs; lower back; buttocks; in between their shoulder blades, and even their feet. While fondling someone's armpits or making sure to kiss them behind their knees would be the last thing you would consider, you could be missing out on turning your partner on, on a whole 'nother level, if you don't at least be open to the fact that they might really like it.
So, stop and think about it. Do you actually know what your partner's erogenous zones are? Come to think of it, are you even 100 percent sure what yours are? Because, the reality is, if your partner hasn't totally explored your body, there could be some uncharted territory that neither of you have ever considered; areas that could turn light bulbs on in a whole new way, chile. Here's why.
Always Remember That Erogenous Zones Are DEFINITELY Individually Based
According to science, when it comes to us (meaning women) specifically, word on the street is that our neck, forearms, vulva (including your clitoris and clitoral hood), and vagina are the most sensitive parts of our body while our areola (the darker part of breasts that surrounds our nipples) are the least. Science also says that when pressure is applied to our body, our clitoris and nipples are the most sensitive while the sides of our breasts and our abdomen are the least. Again, that's what science says.
For me, though, my forearms aren't sensitive at all. Meanwhile, my fingers are—big time. And while my nipples are sensitive, it's only during the act of penetration itself that I actually don't mind them being played with; prior to that, like during foreplay, playing with them is typically more irritating than anything else. Sharing this actually reminds me of a past sex partner who was the opposite of me. He really enjoyed his nipples being played with during foreplay but during sex, he said it was the equivalent of fingernails on the chalkboard.
What all of this points to is the fact that we're each an individual. Just because, at the end of the day, we basically have the same parts, that doesn't mean that we're stimulated or aroused in the same way. This is why I'm such a huge fan of foreplay—and afterplay. By taking out the time to relish in your partner, you get to learn what parts of their body truly turns them on—and what parts don't.
It can help you to get away from assuming that it "should" be their breasts or their neck or even the genitalia all of the time (some people reserve that area for intercourse while preferring other spots to be explored before penetration transpires).
And why are we all so different? I mean, we were made uniquely. Plus, we've all had different experiences too. Something else that is worth keeping mind is different spots might be turn offs due to past sexual abuse or trauma; someone who is still working through healing from a past relationship; there even being a bit of a phobia if they had a less-than-satisfying sexual experience with a former partner; a person having body image issues, or even someone having sex for the first time. This is why verbal communication can be super beneficial prior to having sex in the first place; it can teach you to not have a one-size-fits all (so to speak) approach with your partner (and vice versa).What If Your Erogenous Zones Aren’t Where Your Partner Gravitates to Most?
So, what if all of this makes perfect sense to you and you do indeed have a partner who goes to the "common spots" while leaving uncharted territory alone far too often? One of the things that I advise married couples that I work with is to not have deep sexual conversations…during sex. Outside of dirty talk and offering up some clarification (not barking orders but letting your partner know what turns you on the most), it's best to share what your heartfelt sexual needs are when you're enjoying dinner alone or even just hanging out on the couch together. Waiting until times like these can help your partner to feel less critiqued or self-conscious.
Another tip is to play show and tell. During the act of foreplay, take your partner's hands and direct them to the places where you like to receive the most attention. And when he hits that spot—with whatever you both like for you to be "hit" with—make sure he knows with a word, a moan or even an affirmation (I don't know one man who doesn't know to be verbally affirmed in bed, chile). Far too often, a person can be pleased in bed, but they don't get as much pleasure as they would like because their partner has no clue what they really like or would like to receive more. Even if you're not super verbal, there are other ways to send cues…if you know what I mean.
And what if your least favorite zones are the ones that your partner seems to like most? Yeah, that's another dilemma that isn't discussed as much as it should be. Some of the men I've been with are breasts men, so they wanna be all over them for their own sake. I get that. Since it's not so much my breasts as it is my nipples that I'm annoyed by during foreplay, I try and keep them occupied in other ways during foreplay, since I am much less guarded with my nipples during intercourse. I've also learned that I do like to be kissed in between my breasts at any time, so I'm pretty sure you can just guess how much men like to put their face between two huge breasts, at pretty much any time. It really is all about patience and communication. Besides, the more at ease I feel with my partner, the more I'm willing to make some compromises because I want him to be turned on as much as I want him to turn me on too.
Some of this really is all about trial and error. The bottom line is you shouldn't feel self-conscious, high-maintenance, or "weird" because you might not get sexually stimulated in the same places that your favorite website says or even one of your girlfriends does. You also shouldn't hesitate to speak up and let it be known with your partner about what works for you—no matter how atypical or uncommon those areas may be (remember to grant him the same courtesy).
At the end of the day, erogenous zones are supposed to make you want to have sex. Enjoy exploring where those places are for you and be OK with the fact that they may be super exclusive. After all, you are, so that would make absolutely perfect sense, sis.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak