"Our generation loves bragging about being antisocial, cutting people off, and not trusting anyone. Like that's an accomplishment."
I came across the above meme the other day and was instantly reminded of when I silently declared, "My cut off game is too strong." And honestly, loyalty and friendship are things I struggle with.
I'm not the girl running around excusing my flakiness, selfishness, and, at times, unwillingness to do things on other people's terms with a stale, "It's hard for me to maintain friendships with women."
I acknowledge that I am a work in progress. I have control issues and sometimes fail to see why others won't live their lives in a way that I think works best. Also, I don't like the idea of being dependent on too many folks for emotional fulfillment. But as of late, I've witnessed a lot of people taking the idea of independence to the extreme. It's almost as if being anti-social is the way to be, and I honestly think it's because the idea of friendship as I used to know it has been somewhat warped.
A cousin that I'm super close to called me up the other night and I found myself looking at the caller ID and instantly becoming exhausted. I wasn't surprised that not even ten minutes into the conversation, I found myself smack in the middle of an Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole of who posted what on Facebook and who's blocked from her page. I couldn't fathom how folks in their late twenties with children and adult responsibilities were cutting off relationships and catching feelings over a social media app. It's as if many of us have completely lost sight of the fact that friendship is about more than "likes" and "tags" and these relationships we're proudly ending were pretty shallow in the first place if their fate rests on a status update.
Here's something to consider: There's no need to proudly claim how independent you are.
This idea of any real independence is overrated if you're supposedly getting your independent woman on in a room full of strangers, but constantly craving some sort of digital connection with people you forget exist unless they update their status. I have a friend who every once in a while, whether we're making travel plans for the summer or talking about a reiki convention we'd like to attend, feels the need to remind everyone that she has no issue doing things by herself.
But this same friend constantly feels the need to update her digital circle on everything she does alone. So the whole time she's enjoying her own company, her social media is bombarded with pics: "Chilling with my rose quartz. #PeaceAndSolitude #NeedMySpace #SelfCare." In conversation with colleagues or casual acquaintances, I've also witnessed other women who when they mention they had drinks at a bar after work alone or went to a music festival feel the need to proudly proclaim, "I went alone and I'm OK with that!"
My question is, when did the ability to do things on your own become such a badge of honor?
I wonder if a culture that places pressure on people to be surrounded by friends and followers all the time, makes some feel the need to declare they are able to enjoy their own company. But with that I wonder, are folks simply just doing things alone to prove a point or truly enjoying their own company? If you're so hype to go to a music festival alone, why are you looking down in your phone the whole time? Why update your status with memes about the joy of canceled plans, if you can't spend time with yourself while sober?
As I grow older and reevaluate my personal friendships, I'm recognizing the importance of maintaining quality friendships that don't require so much work, as well as the value of truly enjoying my own company, which means not needing friends in person or online to validate my time. Maintaining friendships as an adult can be difficult and I love the memes that remind us that many of us are out here juggling full-time jobs, families, career ladders and side hustles, and are just plain tired at the end of the week. A few days without a phone call from your day one just so she can hear herself think shouldn't result in you getting your Tom Hanks in Castaway on feeling the need to declare that you can do bad all by your damn self.
It's okay to miss people. It's okay to feel lonely and it's okay to be alone. And there is a difference.
I need at least one night where I'm alone with my hookah pipe, blasting Ella Mai in my eardrums, and focusing on nothing but my inner peace. But if I'm buying tickets to see "Boo'd Up" performed live, you can bet I want my bestie right next to me belting out the lyrics off key. The ability to enjoy your own company means dealing with thoughts, feelings, pain, and pressure that we all too often distract ourselves from with working hard and playing harder. You know when Solange sang, "I ran my credit card up. Thought a new dress make it better"?
I really felt that shit.
We can all relate to distracting ourselves from insecurities, feelings of failure, and anxiety. We want to be at anyone's bar or in anyone's bed just so we don't have to deal with the mess that can be our feelings. We fill our lives with shallow friendships and temporary moments of happiness just to avoid being honest with ourselves. We attract people we feel the need to impress and prove things to with regularly posted Instagram stories because, outside of a wi-fi signal, they have no idea of who we really are.
But the one thing I've learned is that when I truly was able to enjoy my own company and accept myself, flaws and all, I attracted quality people in my life that were down for me whether I was logged in or out living my best life.
I also became aware of the fact that adult friendships don't require day to day contact and was easier on friends who were simply too busy to call or hang out regularly.
I had time to deal with my own issues and stop distracting myself from them by doing the absolute most.
There's no shame in proudly declaring "Me, Myself and I," but don't sell yourself short on making authentic connections with folks just because things fell through with fake friends. And even the best of people in your circle will come with their share of disappointing behavior. There's a balance when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships with yourself, as well as others, and it's like Donald Glover recently said, "You can totally love somebody and still look out for yourself."
The important thing is that you don't spend so much of your time invested into the lives of others that you become a stranger to yourself.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
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Why Losing Friends is Not Always a Bad Thing
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The Benefits & The Beauty of Solitude
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and Skylar
Cj Hart @hartbreak
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak