2020 marks the 20th year that I've been making most of my living as a writer.
Although, during that time, I had a couple of other gigs here and there, all of them allowed me to work from home, with no micromanaging and very limited drama. Amen. Praise the Lord! Yet as I was sitting here and reflecting on what life was like when I did have full-time gigs, I have to admit that, in some cases, the title of this article is what motivated me to get the hell out of those offices. Emotional abuse? It is the absolute worst.
Problem is, I'm not sure if a lot of us even stop to consider that it's something that could possibly be happening at our place of employment; especially between us and our manager, supervisor, or boss.
Before showing you some of the telltale signs of it, I'll already say that if a part of you is "triggered" at the mere thought of being abused in this fashion, that is probably your first clue that something unhealthy is going on. Then I'll follow that up by saying, if even three of the signs check out, you really should consider an exit strategy.
If you have no clue how to go about doing that, I've got a little present for you. It comes in the form of a YouTube video entitled "I Saved $20,000 And Quit My Full-Time Job To Be 'Funemployed'". The video is totally worth your time to watch but the gist is this—a woman who goes by Evelyn From The Internets shared her definition of funemployed. It's "being unemployed on purpose". In her sixteen-minutes-and-some-change totally entertaining share, Evelyn talks about wanting to leave her full-time gig and how she saved enough money (I believe it was in a year) so that she didn't have to go from one stress-filled job to another. Or, as it relates to this article, one emotionally abusive corporate situation into another.
With articles out in cyberspace like "Why Are Workers Quitting Their Jobs in Record Numbers?" and "85% of People Hate Their Jobs, Gallup Poll Says", I'd venture to say that more than a few are victims of emotional abuse in the workplace. They and you deserve better. So sis, if you see these red flags, perhaps 2020 is the year for you to become funemployed (with the operative word, finally, being "fun"). And just what are the signs of an emotionally abusive boss?
They’re Micro-Managers
I mean, really. Is there anything more insulting than being hired for a position, only to have someone breathing down your neck to make sure that you do your job? Why did they hire you if all they were going to do was send you an incessant amount of emails, make you do daily reports (that is really nothing more than mere busywork), and find a way to complain about each and every little thing that you try and complete?
Just like there is such a thing as helicopter parenting, there is also such a thing as having a helicopter boss. They are the kind of people who have an office full of adults, but you would think that they are in a daycare full of children. You didn't sign up to be patronized, condescended, or constantly followed up on. So yes, if your boss is a micromanager, this is just one indication that you are being emotionally abused at work.
They Are Big Time Gas Lighters
I can take a lot of things, boy. But if there's one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it's a gas lighter. They are the kind of people who are master manipulators. They pull it off by withholding information or distorting facts in such a way that when you bring a matter to their attention, they are so cryptic that you end up feeling like you're confused or you are totally losing your mind.
How do you know if your boss is a grade-A gas lighter? Do they deny doing or saying something that you know for a fact that they did or said? Did the two of you come to a mutual agreement about something, only for them to suddenly renege? Are they hypocrites in the sense that they expect more from you than they do of themselves? Do they tell little "white lies" or cut corners often enough that you start to feel drained and unable to do your best work? Whenever you address any of this, do they claim to understand, only for you to end up with more work or for other staff members to give you the cold shoulder (probably because your boss has been slick-talking about you)?
Gaslighting sucks because sometimes it can be hard to put your finger on it. But if you just read all of that and you had to fight the urge to jump up out of your seat in agreement, 1) you are the victim of a gas lighter and 2) it is definitely a form of emotional abuse.
They Constantly Shift Blame
It's one thing to go above what's expected of you because you feel inspired to do it. It's another to have to refer to your job description, at least twice a week because it seems like you're doing so much more than what you were initially hired to do.
Doing your best is one thing. Doing three other people's jobs while only getting paid for yours is something entirely different. If your desk is full of other people's responsibilities, if you can't remember the last time you got home at a decent hour or if it seems like you're stressed out and overwhelmed at the mere thought of walking into the office every day, not only is this a clue that your boss is probably taking advantage of you, you are most definitely being emotionally abused (especially if you bring all of this up to them and they blow you off).
They Take Credit That They Don’t Deserve
We all know that when we work for a company, there are going to be times when we don't get the credit that we deserve. That's actually why a lot of people become entrepreneurs—they don't want all of their skills and ingenuity to go into building someone else's dreams; they would much rather build up their own. But it's one thing to not get your just due every once in a while. It's another matter entirely when your intellectual property, blood, sweat, and tears are things that your boss puts their name on rather than yours on a regular basis. Not only is it shady as hell, but it's a low-key form of stealing.
Please don't think that just because you work for a business that not getting credit for the work that you do should automatically come with the territory. No matter how many companies might like their employees to think so, it's foul and yep, you guessed it—it's also pretty darn abusive.
They Are Passive Aggressive
This is another trait that drives me up the wall. Do you get backhanded compliments like, "You did so much better on this than I thought you would"? Is your boss's humor really hard to read? When you try and receive feedback from them, is it so unclear that you're exhausted after meeting with them or reading their emails? Does it feel like you never receive clear instructions? Do they spend—and by that, I mean waste—a lot of time exerting their authority by enforcing petty and pointless rules? Are they really warm to you on one day and cold as ice the next?
If so, none of this is normal behavior; it doesn't matter how used to it you've become. And if there's a part of you that wonders why someone would go through the drama of being passive-aggressive, typically it's because it's the kind of behavior that is easier rationalize (at least in their own minds) over being frank or direct (which could lead to confrontation). Yes, it's exhausting, but since it's hard to pinpoint what a passive-aggressive person is doing, they can keep triggering you without directly being seen—or reported—as being a bad guy or girl.
Passive aggression can push someone into becoming aggressive. That is why it made this particular list.
They’ve Got a Selective Memory
They told you that you could take Friday off. Then when Thursday rolls around, they give you a ton of work that's due by Monday. During a staff meeting, assignments are clearly delegated. Oh, but a week later, you get an email about doing something that was never previously discussed. You schedule a meeting with your supervisor because you are interested in a position that was recently posted in-house. They agree to keep you in mind but then hire someone who has never worked for the company before. And, to all of these things, your boss comes at you on some, "Oh…did we discuss that? I don't recall."
While there are times when that might be the case, just like it is your responsibility to remember to come to work on time and remember to do your job, it is your boss's responsibility to remember to keep their word. A selective memory is a not-so-low-key sign of a lack of respect. Who can remain in a healthy and productive relationship with anyone who doesn't respect them?
They Threaten Your Position. Regularly.
Another example of an emotionally abusive boss is they try and intimidate you. An example of this is them constantly making you feel like if you don't comply with all of the examples of emotional abuse that I just shared—or if you decide to tell the higher-ups about these things—they will cause you to lose your job—or they will make you so miserable that you will up and quit.
If this is what you feel is going on, again, watch the video about how to be funemployed. Then put an exit strategy together that consists of—saving money; looking for another position; keeping record of how you are being mistreated; identifying how they trigger you (so that you can work on deactivating them); setting boundaries (do your job well but also be OK with saying no to doing tons more for nothing in return) and getting totally off of the clock once you leave the office.
Emotional abuse, of any kind, is something you shouldn't have to experience. Never assume that, just because it's happening at your place of employment and that you are getting a check in return, your boss is justified. They are not. Abuse is abuse. Simple as that.
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Itunes and Spotify.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Unhealthy Workplace Stresses You Need To Break Free From
What Happened When I Tried Being More Assertive At Work
Is The Grind For The Corner Office Putting Us In the Casket?
Feature image by Shutterstock
- Signs of Emotional Abuse at Work (and How to React) | Cleverism ›
- Gaslighting At Work: How To Recognize It And What To Do About It ›
- Harassed at Work: Can You Sue for Emotional Abuse? | E & B ›
- 8 Signs Your Boss Is a Bully ›
- How to Deal With Abusive, Narcissistic and Hostile Bosses ... ›
- 3 Warning Signs That Your Boss Is Abusive | ToughNickel ›
- 6 Effective Tactics for Handling a Toxic Boss ›
- Have a horrible, emotionally abusive boss? Here's what NOT to do ... ›
- 7 Red Flags That You're Working for an Emotionally Abusive Boss ... ›
- This Is How You Deal With an Emotionally Abusive Boss ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Exclusive: Dreka Gates Talks Farm Life, Self-Mastery, And Her Wellness Brand
Dreka Gates is making a name in wellness through authenticity and innovativeness. Although we were introduced to her as a music manager for her husband, Kevin Gates, she has now carved out her own lane outside of music as a wellness entrepreneur. But according to Dreka, this is nothing new.
In a xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
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If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But covid hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
- YouTube
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