As I approach 40, I have come to a point in my life where I am only interested in healthy and reciprocal connections. The connections that are in alignment. Connections that are filled with beauty, authenticity, joy, laughter, intention, transparency, and purpose. The kind of connections that bring you unforgettable moments and memories for this lifetime." This applies to family, friendships, colleagues, and/or romantic partners.
As compassionate, loving, and understanding as I can be, I just don’t have the energy or capacity in my life for anyone who cannot match the light I give. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and disappointing to deal with someone who cannot meet me where I am. I have to pause and consider if constantly being the one to hold space for people like this has an impact on my mental and emotional health. Yes, it does.
I have never been someone who is interested in transactional friendships, nor do I entertain them. The Sagittarius in me can really give a fuck. But at the same time and as contradicting as this is going to sound, I do understand that everyday life very much can get in the way of friendships. What can I say? It’s the empath and healer in me, too.
I think true friendships survive and thrive on people’s levels of emotional intelligence (EI), empathy, emotional maturity, shared boundaries, and mutual desire for growth.
With that said it's also emotionally difficult to be the friend who is completely invested in her growth, peace, and sense of self-worth or the friend who is dedicated to becoming the best version of herself regardless of the associated cost.
My willingness to grow and to be a whole person is not just for myself, but for the people in my life who equally show up and fill my cup. It’s for my future self, future life partner, and the life that is waiting for me. Let me just say it is painful to be the friend who has to watch people you love cycle through unhealthy behaviors or patterns because of their lack of self-awareness—behaviors that possibly may or may not harm you yet make you cringe.
Your love for them is loud, transparent, unconditional, honest, and genuine. You secretly hope that they push through their season because you wholeheartedly want the best for them. And I guess as I get older and the more self-aware I become, I know I am not alone in feeling this way. As my therapist has told me, “The choices and decisions that feel safe to you may be different to someone else based on what feels safe for them.” And ultimately, I have to accept it, as frustrating as it can be.
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But what happens when it's your bestie or a close friend who is emotionally unavailable? Regardless of circumstances, friendships are one of the most important human connections in our lives. We, as humans, desire to belong, to be seen and heard. We desire community and understanding. But what if your friend just simply can’t due to their mental and emotional capacity? At what point does the friendship become harmful and you are forced to make the decision to let go temporarily and/or indefinitely?
We often talk about emotional availability only in romantic relationships. We specifically explore this notion when it comes to men as potential romantic partners. But what we learned earlier this year in my article about my own emotional intimacy, is that women often struggle with emotional availability, too.
This is especially true when you have an insecure attachment style. An insecure attachment style can be described as anxious or avoidant. It’s our responsibility to become self-aware enough to meet our own emotional needs and regulate our own emotions first and foremost. With mental health and self-care at the center of our lives and social media feeds, we are all not okay. Life is life-ing. We are all going through it somehow or in some way.
Let’s explore how to recognize and navigate emotional unavailability in friendships because I am sure we all have that one friend that we don’t know how to repair with or move on from:
What Is Emotional Unavailability In Friendships?
We often misuse the term "emotionally unavailable" or mistake it for other behaviors related to mental health or emotions. If you are confused about what it means to be emotionally unavailable in terms of platonic connections, it is defined as the inability to sustain emotional connections and/or bonds, according to Healthline.
With seven years of therapy (and counting), I have come to understand that emotional unavailability can be situational or a defense mechanism. In my opinion, emotional unavailability can also involve someone who is in survival mode for too long. This can be someone who is experiencing an unexpected or difficult life transition. It also can show up as a trauma response. However, I feel as though the majority of the time, people’s level of emotional availability is simply due to a lack of self-awareness.
How Emotional Unavailability Show Up In Friendships
According to HerCampus.com, someone who is emotionally unavailable self-sabotages by having walls so deep they don’t allow themselves to get close to other people. People like this shy away from intimate relationships or conversations, too. They struggle to be vulnerable with others and have a legitimate fear of intimacy. An article by Uncover Counseling states that friendships also suffer when one or more parties are emotionally detached.
This means an emotionally unavailable person is often perceived as distant, unresponsive, or uninterested in maintaining a close relationship.
This may not be the intention of friends who exhibit this type of behavior, but let me reiterate that a level of self-awareness is required to undo the behavior. Over time, the bond between an emotionally available friend and a friend who is emotionally unavailable weakens. The friendship grows apart and results in what we know today as a friendship break up.
Coping With An Emotionally Unavailable Friend
It took me a long time to realize that what a friend chooses to say or do to me is never really about me. I used to internalize that I did something wrong or I was the blame for their emotional distance, but as an anxious attachment girlie, I learned that people were projecting their insecurities and unhealed wounds onto me.
More importantly, this is not for me to carry. An affirmation I say daily is, “What is mine is mine. What is theirs is theirs. I release what is not mine." It is just a simple reminder to myself that whatever that person is going through mentally or emotionally it is not my responsibility to fix.
So, how do you accept and deal with an emotionally unavailable friend? My response is with lots of grace, space, and clear boundaries. It's easy to say most people who lack self-awareness and the ability to hold space for others emotionally are toxic, but toxic is a word many of us overuse to describe anyone with unfavorable behavior. A HerCampus article advises acknowledging that friends who struggle with emotional availability can’t control it. It’s a defense mechanism related to mental health issues.
What we can do is be patient with our friends who struggle with expressing themselves emotionally. (Exhibit A: Me. And your girl has worked to correct her emotional detachment all year and is now emotionally stronger.)
Don’t stay too long in a friendship that does not equally fill your cup. Make sure your friend knows that you are a safe person or space for him or her to come to. This is done by ensuring that you are able to show up emotionally in conversations with your friends.
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Aisha Beau wrote, via The Shine App, that we must first acknowledge the emotionally unavailable friend’s behavior has to do with something outside the relationship. Once we have recognized said friend is unavailable, it’s our responsibility to decide how to engage. Please keep in mind not all circumstances are the same. Clinical psychologist Dr. Melissa Robinson-Brown told the mental health platform that coping with an emotionally unavailable person entails the following:
- Self-Check: Evaluate if you're also emotionally unavailable and if you're ready to be emotionally vulnerable.
- Have The Conversation: Address the other person’s ability to share emotions and hold emotional space for you.
- Create Space For Change: Give your friend the opportunity to show up differently without expecting perfection.
- Re-evaluate: If you’ve checked in with yourself and had a conversation with said friend - determine if that person’s action or inaction towards your need for closeness is worth your energy.
Signs That A Friend’s Emotional Unavailability Is Harmful
The signs of someone being emotionally unavailable are consistent and easily noticeable in any relationship. A major sign is inconsistency — and cold behavior. Defensiveness, insecurity, avoidance, or commitment to friendship. HerCampus further describes a person such as this, as someone who is unable to give their full attention and is neglectful to the friendship most of the time. They are uncomfortable talking about feelings about themselves or about their friendships as well.
I do not do well with inconsistency at all. Again, as an anxious-attachment-style girlie, inconsistency does not make me feel good. It does not make me safe, either. But I have also come to believe and understand it is solely my responsibility to self-regulate my thoughts and emotions when it comes to that particular friend. As much as I give my friends grace and space – I also have a bad habit of being excessively accommodating to people who exhibit emotionally unavailable behavior, too.
I subconsciously hoped that by being overly understanding and supportive, the person would stay in my life, knowing damn well whether that person stays or goes is not in my control. However, this is where strong boundaries come into play. And let me tell you, I am learning this right now with a certain friend. I do not want to have to question my place in someone's life.
It's painful to feel forced to intentionally create a physical and emotional distance that you never wanted to create, to begin with. The push and pull feels like a game, and I am not here for it. But the uncertainty? The absence of clarity? The anxiety? That feels far worse.
What I have to accept is that the current dynamics are unhealthy and not conducive to what I want and need in the type of friendships I would like to have in my 40s. I intuitively know if I don’t do what is right in my heart – whatever the future holds for our friendship will be completely destructive. Sometimes, temporary disengagement is necessary to cultivate a healthier dynamic. Like I said, healthy connectionsonly.
When To Walk Away From The Friendship
To walk away from any connection is difficult and very much a last resort. You have to evaluate what is important to you in a friendship, and those values must also hold true for the other person. When it comes to letting go of someone you valued as a friend, you have to decide what is best for you based on where you are now and where you are going.
Remember, it is not your job to fix your friend, nor are you their therapist, but it is your responsibility to identify and understand the purpose and type of friendship you have with that person.
There are levels to friendship. Ask yourself questions like, “Is this person just my running partner?” “Do we just have a good time together?” “Is she or he just someone I can laugh with and nothing more?” You have to decide what is best for you and your life. As with anything in life, you are required to protect your peace and energy at all costs.
My goal for 2024 was to emotionally reattach to myself, and I can happily say I am. I am not 100 percent there, but I feel the difference. What I have learned this year, when it comes to my own emotional unavailability and others, is that you have to want yourself first and foremost (and fortunately for me, I wholeheartedly do). Don’t be scared to communicate how a friend’s behavior affects you.
Don’t be scared to lose that friend if he or she is not aligned with where you are in your life. Sometimes, you have to let go for better to come in.
This can look like giving that friend an honest chance to reconcile with themselves first before he or she comes back to you. It can also look like making space for better friendships to come in, too.
If you know anything about me by now or my writing thus far – I will always choose myself first. It's non-negotiable. I love myself way too much now to repeat my past, patterns, and/or mistakes.
Be the friend who knows how to show up, but knows how to say, “In this moment we’re unaligned.” Be the friend that knows you absolutely deserve more in friendship. The friend who knows the light you give to others is an undeniable gift.
Be the good friend that got away.
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Featured image by Prostock-Studio/Getty Images
- How To Still Be A Good Friend...When You're Totally Tapped Out ›
- This Is How A Friend Can Gaslight You — And Make It Feel Like It's Your Fault ›
- I'm Emotionally Unavailable & Here's How I'm Dating While Learning To Feel My Feelings Again ›
- My Female Friendships Were The Most Heartbreaking & Loving Relationships Of My Twenties ›
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
Where to Stay in St. Lucia
Photo by Windjammer Landing
There are lots of different types of accommodations for travelers to choose from, and many of the top hotels and resorts in St. Lucia are located near Marigot or Rodney Bay, which are about an hour and a half from the international airport.
I stayed at the Windjammer Landing Villa Beach Resort and there were a few things that stood out to me that made this an ideal resort for my trip. First, the resort has unique Mediterranean-style villas, and the gleaming white stucco walls, blue doors, and bright bougainvillea felt like being in a traditional Greek village. On morning walks, I would climb the hilly terrain and start the morning looking over the bay.
Solo-tripping at a resort is also great for making friends. I ate alone a few times, but I also met other travelers who I shared meals with throughout my stay. Though resort food can sometimes be hit or miss, the food at the Windjammer was top-notch (and diverse). The resort has five restaurants, and I ate seafood dishes like snapper and coconut shrimp at Upper Deck and tandoori chicken and samosas from the newly introduced ‘Masala at Embers.’
The resort is spread out over 65 acres, which meant that even though I visited during high season in February, the property never felt crowded. I spent a lot of time decompressing by sitting near the beach and journaling, but there were lots of activities at the resort to keep me occupied. I enjoyed a relaxing massage at the Serene Wellness & Spa and a morning yoga session, and along with the plunge pool in my villa, the resort had six pools and offered watersports like snorkeling and kayaking.
What to Eat in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
St. Lucia’s local fare, like many other Caribbean islands, includes fried seafood like snapper and conch, peas and rice, and plantains. One way to get a taste of the local cuisine is to head to Gros Islet for the Friday Night Party. The 50-year tradition starts at sunset and locals bring their grills, set up tabletop bars, and eat and dance late into the night. St. Lucia also has some of the freshest fruit, and during my stay, I feasted on starfruit, golden apples, papaya drizzled in lime, and savory bananas.
Another St. Lucia “must-have” is Piton beer, a light, refreshing beer with a hint of floral taste - perfect after a day spent in the sun. And if you’re a rum drinker, St. Lucia has a litany of great rums - most notably Chairman’s Reserve, Bounty, and Admiral Rodney. I had a rum tasting at the resort, which was paired with St. Lucia’s delicious chocolate, and if you’re at a bar - make sure you order a rum punch - a signature drink in the Caribbean.
Things to Do in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
Though it would have been easy to spend the entire stay at the resort, I spent some time exploring the neighboring areas. One of the highlights was booking a boat trip to see the Pitons. Though I had seen photos of the twin peaks, the majestic volcanoes are much more impressive in person, towering over 2,000 feet in the air. Our boat captain, Delbert, stopped the boat as we marveled at one of the Caribbean's most beautiful landmarks.
Another St. Lucian highlight is the sulfur springs in Soufriere where I slathered myself in thick grayish mud and soaked in the muddy, warm springs. After my al fresco sulphuric spa treatment, our driver took us to a nearby Sulfur Springs waterfall, and it was the first time I stood under a hot waterfall. On the way back to the resort, we stopped by some shallow waters to snorkel, and as the sun started its afternoon descent, I could see why people fell in love with St. Lucia.
Truthfully, nearly any country can make a good solo trip, but St. Lucia’s peaceful setting and access to attractions make it an ideal option for beginner solo travelers. It’s relatively convenient to get to as well - located just three hours from Miami, it’s ideal for a long weekend or week-long trip to recharge. Though I left so much to explore, St. Lucia is a place where you can fill your days with exciting activities or do nothing at all, and you’ll still have an unforgettable time.
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Feature image courtesy of Mariette Williams
Originally published on February 28, 2023