A few nights ago, while catching up with a male friend who I’ve known since…shoot, forever, I found myself involved in what tends to happen a lot in my life: an impromptu counseling session. As we were going over what each of us had missed in each other’s lives since our last chat, when it came to the romantic aspect of his life, I was glad to hear that he was still with the same woman that he had been with since our last convo (which had been a while).
Backstory? He went through both a marriage as well as a divorce that was hell on wheels on a whole ‘nother level, so it had taken him some time to trust again.
Anyway, as he was sharing all of the things that he found to be refreshing about his now long-term girlfriend, as I always tend to do, I asked what were some potential red flags as well — because if she’s still his girlfriend and nothing more, there must be some type of reason…right? One of the things he said was, “She really wants to get married, and I don’t.” He’s in his late 40s, and she’s not too far behind, so I said, “So, are you dangling her?”
He was quiet for so long that I then heard myself say, “If you’re being honest and she’s staying, either she’s hopeful or in denial. Yet, if you’re not being real about where you stand, you’re being selfish, and you should let her go.”
Wasted time.Wasted freakin’ time. It’s the mutha of all muthas.
On the heels of this, one day, I know that I need to do a part two of “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife” from back in the day because, as much as some of us don’t want to hear it, some guys may like us — hell, even love us — and yet, they never considered us to be wife potential…not for them. Yep, sometimes, all they ever see is a sex buddy or girlfriend because their mental and emotional levers never go past that point.
And no, it’s not automatically because they are dogs (I hate when men or women refer to each other or themselves as canine) or even that they’re being manipulative or malicious. Sometimes, they don’t want more than what they currently have with us — and it really is just that simple. Real talk, when they are being honest (and we’re accepting what is being said), it really only gets strange when we know that, we want so much more and so we stick around…hoping that they will do something different than what they are currently doing — even when they said that they have no foreseeable plans of doing so.
Whew, chile. All of this reminds me of a throwbackSex and the City episode (from season two, to be exact) where Carrie (who, in my opinion, is the white version of Joan Clayton — if you know, you know) said something that has always stayed with me — something that explains one version of how something known as emotional self-harm presents itself. And y’all, I actually think that it’s a great way to illustrate some of the reasons why I was inspired to broach this topic.
Just so it all makes really good sense, let’s begin with a clip from the “La Douleur Exquise!” episode. And then we’ll dive into signs that you actually could be a lot like Carrie when it comes to emotional self-harm — and, if that is the case, what you can do about it…so that you can get (and stay) free from hurting yourself in that way.
Okay, so the clip is providing context; however, the best part of the episode is towards the end of it when Carrie says this:
“On the way home, I was furious; not with Big but myself. I was the real sadist. He might be the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.”
In the clip, she used the word “masochist” and in the quote, she said “sadist.” Just so we’re all on the same page:
Masochist: a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others
Sadist: a person who enjoys being cruel
Y’all, none of us have the time to unpack ALL of the red, orange, and yellow flags of Carrie and Mr. Big’s relationship. What I will say is, from this episode alone, you can’t assume that someone wants what you do, when you want them to, just because they have sex with you or like hanging out with you. Therefore, don’t assume. ASK.
However, peep how Carrie basically questioned if what she was going through — if what she was choosing to send herself through — was pretty much a form of emotional self-harm. Did she somehow get some kind of “payoff” from Mr. Big’s actions causing her pain? Was there some part of her that found an odd sense of comfort in the familiarity of being cruel to herself by tolerating things that she literally told her friends that she didn’t want?
Was she a victim of emotional self-harm?
When it comes to the topic of self-harm, in general, oftentimes, it’s the physical side of it that gets addressed. Today, I’m going to share some things about what emotional self-harm looks like — and not just when it comes to romantic aspects of life, either. In order to fully heal, ponder if you fall into any of these unhealthy patterns across the board.
What Is Emotional Self-Harm?
GiphyWhen it comes to physical forms of self-harm, probably one of the best ways to describe it is it’s a way of not-so-healthy way of coping when your emotions become extremely overwhelming. When self-harm transpires, someone may cut, burn, bruise themselves, or do something that causes physical pain or damage on some level. Well, emotional self-harm is when you use your own thoughts and feelings to also do damage to yourself.
And while that could manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse, illegal activity, or fighting, what I want to hone in on is how it can also appear in the form of remaining in sexually unwise dynamics, emotionally abusive relationships or situations that keep you in the pattern of low self-worth, cyclic and counterproductive behaviors, and (avoidable) drama and trauma.
So, where does emotional self-harm stem from? Many mental health specialists say that it oftentimes comes from childhood-related issues, although things like low self-esteem and certain attachment styles may play a factor in it, too. Know what else can lead to emotional self-harm? UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS (and yes, I am yelling it!), which can include someone telling you one thing and you decide to hear something else or trying to force, coerce, or guilt someone into giving you more than they want to.
Two other things that can cause emotional self-harm are if you are super self-critical (which is not the same thing as holding yourself accountable; check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”) or if you are a perfectionist.
When it comes to Carrie, there areso many think pieces out in cyberspace about how exhausting of a character she was, in hindsight, on a billion different levels. Yet, when it comes to this specific instance with Mr. Big, I’d say that her attachment style and her expectations were a big part of the problem. Did Mr. Big show mixed signals? Sometimes, yes. More times, more than anything though, his words and actions displayed that he simply wasn’t as into her as she was into him.
The emotional self-harm came from Carrie thinking that if she did more, she could change his mind (been there, done that). Oh, but as a wise person once said, “You’ll never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” Going into denial about that? That is another form of emotional self-harm because while you’re out here giving your all with not the best ROI (return on investment), it’s basically because the guy simply isn’t on the same page as you — perhaps not even in the same book.
Okay, but like I said earlier, even beyond romantic relationships, you can harm yourself emotionally, in general, in a myriad of different ways. Today, I’m going to briefly touch on six of them.
6 Signs That You Participate in Emotional Self-Harm…Perhaps Without Even Knowing It
GiphyI’ve researched emotional self-harm for a hot minute, and so I can already tell you that this is about to get interesting because, after I go through some really telling signs of participating in some form of emotional self-harm, you might realize that you do it far more often than you would think.
1. You talk down on yourself.
Looking back on some of the things that certain adults in my life said to me during my adolescence, I’m surprised that I’ve got the confidence that I do. I get that a part of it is because I’ve done some “reprogramming” over the years to get my mind to see myself as worthy of healthy adjectives instead of emotionalized toxicity (meaning, adults who projected their toxic s-it onto me).
If you’re someone who doesn’t speak highly of yourself or a pastime of yours is being self-derogatory, ponder why. Were you told how wonderful you were in your childhood? Have you tricked yourself into believing that self-degradation is a form of humility (IT’S NOT)? It’s hard to get people to treat you with excellence when you don’t even do it — and that starts with how you speak of yourself…to yourself.
2. Your ego is in your intuition.
The ego that is involved in some people’s intuition is going to jack up so many areas of their lives if they’re not careful (check out “When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't” and “So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy”). For instance, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched women self-sabotage their relationship, and it was all because they were invading their partner’s privacy and/or jumping to all sorts of conclusions — and that was because of their unhealed issues with former men caused them to think that their projection was intuition in their current relationship. SMDH.
Listen, when it comes to this point, two things: 1) women don’t have a monopoly on true intuition — it’s something that men and women have and 2) if your ego or pain is abundant, there’s a huge chance that whatever assumptions or decisions that you are making, intuition isn’t leading you…some form of negativity or even paranoia is.
3. You live in the land of generalizations.
Did you know that a sign of being a bitter person is if you make grand generalizations? All men cheat. Generalization. Everyone uses people. Generalization. No one can be trusted. Generalization. And when you are a bitter individual, it’s almost a guarantee that you are going to end up subjecting yourself to some type of emotional self-harm.
That’s because bitter people tend to have a very jaded perspective which causes them to approach things from that same type of head and heart space. Yeah, if you’re one for generalizations, please be really careful with that.
4. You jump to conclusions. A LOT.
Honestly, something that goes hand in hand with this one is you make assumptions — and we all know what assuming does (it makes an ass…you know the rest). So, why do so many people do it? A big part of the reason has to do with impatience, and when you don’t have all of the intel or facts, that can definitely lead to premature conclusions. So can having preconceived notions or judgments about something or someone or being overly confident that you know more than you might.
The problem with all of this is when you move too fast, or you make gross assumptions, relationally, that can be off-putting to others while professionally, it could rob you of certain chances and opportunities — all of which could lead to emotional self-harm when you really stop to think about it.
5. You “should” too much.
I’ve got a close girlfriend who delivered me from “should-ing” many years ago. And, although initially, I gave her quite a bit of pushback, in hindsight, I’m so glad that I did. Really, this is its own article; however, for the sake of time and space, I’ll just say that if you’re the type of person who stays in toxic, cyclic, or counterproductive dynamics with people based on what you think they “should” do because of what you would do if you were them, you are going to stay disappointed, if not hurt, A LOT.
For one thing, to impose a “should” on someone else? That tends to have a lot of ego attached to it because others are not you. Secondly, if you keep tolerating what you shouldn’t, as you wait on what you believe that someone “should” do, you are going to keep hurting or harming yourself on some level in the process. When it comes to humans, sis, all you can do at the end of the day is recognize what they are doing (or aren’t doing) for what it is — and then decide if you are going to participate or not. That’s it. You’ll harm yourself a lot less often the moment that you accept this fact.
6. You make mountains out of molehills.
If it’s not a big deal, why are you making it one? That was another thing that was so draining about Carrie…a lot of the time. She didn’t really seem to be very emotionally self-aware, and so when things didn’t go her way or as planned, she would oftentimes act like it was the end of the world — and that was just a waste of time, energy, and emotions. “Sweating the small stuff” is definitely a form of emotional self-harm; it’s also a sign of being a low-key control freak. Trying to control what you cannot? Oh, you will definitely hurt or harm yourself that way — one way or another.
How to Overcome Emotional Self-Harm
GiphyOkay, so now that you know a little bit more about how you can literally put yourself in self-harm’s way on the emotional tip, let’s explore a few things that you can do to prevent it from happening in the first place.
Remind yourself of what “harm” means.
Due to the ish that I’ve been through and the things that I’ve been able to help others through, I’ve personally come to the conclusion that a part of the reason why a lot of people go through harm is because they aren’t fully clear about what it means. Sure, they get the general concept of it; however, did you know that harm doesn’t just refer to physical injury? No, you are also harmed if there is mental damage, evil, wrongness, or even moral injury that occurs.
And what would be considered a “moral injury?” Being a part of something that is traumatizing or even witnessing someone else going through it is. Betrayal is another definition of moral injury. So is someone who pressures you outside of your personal beliefs, standards, and boundaries.
Uh-huh, now that you know all of this, there’s a greater chance that you’ve been harmed, more times than you thought, right? And, there are possibly more instances when you’ve subjected yourself to emotional self-harm, too (like involving yourself in things that go past your limits). Once you can see something for what it really and truly is, that is how you can put together a clear plan on how to start the healing process. Harm has been defined.
Now, what needs to be done to avoid it?
Prioritize HEALTHY over HAPPY.
I really can’t believe how much of a god people make out of happiness. Sure, that might sound odd to hear on the surface yet think about it. You’ll blow up your marriage simply because you’re not happy anymore? You constantly eat stuff that isn’t good for you because it makes you happy? You spend — or is it waste? — money because shopping makes you happy?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times: children are consumed with being happy all of the time. A part of what comes with being a mature individual is you do what is healthy — and no, that isn’t always (and definitely not automatically always) going to make you happy. I’ve had many clients who have wrecked their lives for the temporary highs of happiness.
Please hear me when I say that you tend to stay out of (self) harm’s way so much more when being healthy — sound, strong, flourishing, safe, and whole — is the goal.
Train your mind to not overthink.
Once upon a time, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “8 Ways To Be So Much Kinder To Yourself. Starting Today.” What I didn’t include (yet probably should’ve) was how you really aren’t doing yourself a bit of good to overthink. All that results in is creating problems that don't exist, hindering you from making actual decisions and/or (potentially) putting stress on yourself both physically and mentally. And how can any of this be anything less than forms of emotional self-harm whenever you do it? Think, yes. In excess to the point of stress? No.
Live in reality.
It will never not be that one of my favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” Reality isn’t based on feelings over facts or truth — and honestly, that can make living, in reality, difficult at times when you’d rather be in some sort of fairy tale that you may have conjured up in your head.
Yet, as I’ve said many times on this platform, fairy tales are defined as being stories for children and unrealistic ones at that — so, living for the fairy tale? That is sho ‘nuf a form of emotional self-harm.
___
This is a lot to take in — I get that. Still, I hope that you will take all of what I just shared seriously and literally because I believe that a big part of the reason why so many people end up hurt by others is because they are unaware of the emotional self-harm that they are causing themselves.
From very up close and personal experience, I can tell you that if you address the latter, you can master avoiding the former (at least as much as you used to). And you can definitely prevent yourself from being the “Carrie” in your own friend circle (anymore).
Sis, like Carrie, you’ve been “tying yourself up” only for others to hurt you, start unraveling. TODAY.
Emotional self-harm will never benefit you. Start the healing process…now.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Now, if you’re already thinking that I must be buggin’ to even question that, let me first state that sex and foreplay are not the exact same thing. By definition, foreplay is what transpires prior to actual intercourse — the prelude, if you will. As far as how long that should be, quite a bit of research says that 20 minutes is what most women prefer (you can read about that here, here, and here). Okay, but after the warm-up session, is it more satisfying for things to take a shorter (fast) or longer (slow) amount of time? And yeah, what about all of the thrusting? What does science say the speed of that should be as well?
I think it goes without saying that when it comes to sexual satisfaction, “to each his or her own” should be the mindset and motto (check out “I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life” while you’re at it).
Still, if you’re curious about what research and data say about fast vs. slow sex, I’ve got a bit of intel that just might surprise you.
This Is What Science Says “Fast Sex” Is
hurry GIFGiphyFast: moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; done in comparatively little time; taking a comparatively short time: fast work
Okay, so question: When it comes to sex, when you think of it going fast, what’s the movement that immediately comes to your mind? If it’s thrusting, that tracks because, after all, how would penetrative copulation be able to transpire without it? Well, when it comes to thrusting — and more specifically, the pace/speed of it — guess who prefers it to be faster?
If you thought men…you actually thought wrong, chile.
According to a popular survey that was published several years back, although a little over half of both male and female participants stated that they would like “an even split” between fast and slow-paced sex, almost 32 percent of women said that they prefer faster thrusting while a mere 20 percent of men agreed (interesting, right?). It should also go on record that (surprise, surprise) the over-35 crowd is who preferred slower sex the most along with those who actually had a deeper emotional connection with their partner (also, not shocking — more on that in a bit).
And while women preferring faster sex may seem odd on the surface, I venture to say not so much if you factor in how many absolutely enjoy vibrators these days — and honey, it’s A LOT of y’all because it would appear that at least 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy. And since masturbation to the point of orgasming apparently takes under five minutes (it would also appear that most women prefer to do this around 9 p.m., by the way) and, reportedly, sex toys can help you to climax faster and longer — it’s no wonder that those devices are all the rage these days.
And you know what? All of this is playing out to look like if an “efficient orgasm” truly is the (ultimate) goal, taking a short amount of time doesn’t bother (many) women in the least; in fact, most women prefer it. And that alone is why it shouldn’t be surprising that many women would prefer faster sex because — have you seen how quickly those damn rabbits move? Basically, so long as some actual sexual stimulation is transpiring, the faster, the better.
Ah — so perhaps what also needs to be factored in is women who can orgasm from penetration alone (which continues to not be a ton — check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) are probably fonder of faster sex. Why? Well, the more that their G-spot is directly stimulated, the easier it is for them to “see the mountaintop” — and so, if their partner took his time long enough for them to be “ready to receive him” (check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.”), the thrusting — even the fast thrusting — will be pleasurable instead of uncomfortable. Yep, it makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s the timeframe of sex. To tell you the truth, “fast” wins out in that department as well because the average time for the most desirable type of intercourse? It’s been widely reported that it’s somewhere between 7-13 minutes. A GQ writer collected X (formerly known as Twitter) data from almost 2,400 people about five years ago and 61 percent of them said that they like penetration to last between 5-10 minutes (only 26 percent wanted it to go over 11 minutes).
Hmm…so while throwback R&B singer Lilo croons about wanting to make love all night long (if you know, you know), it looks like more women are actually on some Miguel “Quickie” (well…kind of…LOL).
So, where does slow sex fit into all of this? Yes, let’s touch on that.
This Is What Science Says “Slow Sex” Is
sexy make love GIF by SatisfactionGiphySlow: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity; characterized by lack of speed; taking or requiring a comparatively long time for completion
Now, I already shared that one study stated that people over 35 and those with a deeper emotional connection reportedly enjoy slower sex more than anyone else. From strictly a health angle, a part of that may be because, with age, comes things like delayed ejaculation for men and, for women, the shift/drop in sex hormones (during the later stage of perimenopause, in menopause and post-menopause) can make it more difficult to orgasm (or experience the same type of intensity of one).
Aside from that, though, pretty much every article that I read on the benefits of slow sex had more to do with the mental and emotional side of the sex than the physical benefits. For instance, slower sex makes (more) room for eye contact, being able to enjoy more intimate time with your partner, and you to get more creative (or romantic — check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”). Then there’s the relevant point that slower sex encourages you to be more mindful (meaning, “in the moment” — check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”).
Also, many experts believe that slower sex is what can help to close the orgasm gap because it encourages men to slow down (since they can orgasm way quicker and easier than most women) and “wait” for their partner to “get on the same page,” climax-wise, as them.
Now, I will say that I found some data that stated that many people don’t prefer intercourse to go over 30 minutes because then it can start to feel a bit uncomfortable (for both the man and the woman), so that’s a point off for slower sex, for sure.
So, this reads to be that slow sex is great sex on a connection tip, not automatically or necessarily a peak-of-physical-pleasure one…because, again, we’re not talking about foreplay (or afterplay, for that matter); we’re talking strictly intercourse here.
Okay, So Which One Is Better?
GiphyAight, so now that you have all of this science-backed information to ponder over, what are your thoughts? Did you go into this assuming that surely slower sex is best — yet now you see that some pretty solid points about faster sex have been made? Maybe you never looked at fast sex this way because you never “separated” foreplay from actual sex — now that you do, perhaps fast sex doesn’t warrant the eye rolls that you used to give it. Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t wired to enjoy sex unless it’s slower because a deep emotional connection must be present for you to enjoy sex at all.
To me, when I think of “better,” I think of something being more satisfying, and, strictly, from a scientific standpoint, it does look like more foreplay first and faster sex second is the winning combination.
That said, though, I honestly believe that the greater focus needs to be that paces are “in sync” because, if your partner is fast and you are slower (or vice versa), that probably makes for the most “womp-womp-womp” sexual experience of all.
I also believe that if you got no other takeaway from all of this — DO BOTH. Don’t turn your nose up at fast sex (including quickies) and make time to connect with your partner…because even if you don’t always cum from slower sex, the emotions that are shared can still make it a truly wonderful experience.
Finally, share this with your partner. See what he has to say. It might be time for him to separate foreplay and sex, for a more satisfying experience for all parties involved (just sayin’).
At the end of the day, again, doowutchyalike (the real ones know) — just don’t knock what science says about it all…because what you may have turned your nose at, with a bit of tweaking, it could quickly because your all-time fave. No pun intended. #wink
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