January 11, 2019 was my last day working at a 9-5.
As I walked out of my dusty old office and said 'bye Felicia' to that boss that I couldn't stand, I just knew that I would be entering into my ultimate girlboss life as a full-time CEO. But then, the unexpected happened.
During the first few months as a full-time entrepreneur, I was a hot mess. My days were all mixed up, I either was working too much or too little, and honestly, I just didn't have a lot of direction in the way I tackled my day.
Because of this, I found myself in those first few months lacking focus, feeling unsure of myself, and struggling more than necessary. During this time, I knew that one of the most important things that I needed to do was learn how to effectively start my day. The start of your day has so much influence and impact on how the rest of your day will flow, so I knew it was critical for me to get that in order so that everything else could fall in place. It wasn't until the end of the spring that I finally got a grip on my new life as a full-time entrepreneur, but once I did, life as an entrepreneur became more fruitful and my business began to blossom.
Fast-forward to today, I'm one year in as a full-time entrepreneur and I'm still learning. Even though I have a pretty great system now, I've been wanting to pick the brain of some of my favorite boss women on how they spend the first hour of their day.
Here's what these leading ladies shared with me:
Kezia Williams
Courtesy of Kezia Williams
CEO of Black upStart
"I can be the wealthiest Black woman in the world, empowered to own any asset at my fingertips. But if I do not have time, my wealth is worthless. I cannot buy one minute of time. I cannot bargain another to own theirs. I cannot trade my minute for the next man's. My minutes are mine alone and every day I wake up, my cup is replenished with 1,440 marvelous, irreplaceable minutes of opportunity. I start my day at 5am because frankly - like Wiz said - it's some real boss shit.
"I can be the wealthiest Black woman in the world, empowered to own any asset at my fingertips. But if I do not have time, my wealth is worthless."
"I invest my minutes in appreciating intangible commodities: prayer, to-do lists, personal notes, #ProfessorKez videos because my first energy is always my best, cardio and finally CNN. My early morning initial investments - I try to multiply during the day - spirituality, organization, responsiveness, values, energy and information. And when late evening comes - and my body acknowledges I can't pour from an empty cup, I take care of me. Rest and repeat."
Isa Watson
Courtesy of Isa Watson
Founder & CEO of Squad
"My early mornings are dedicated to getting my mind and body right for the day. I wake up by 5:30am each day and the first thing I do is look out of my NYC window that overlooks the Hudson River and say the following sentence aloud: 'Today I feel grateful for [insert gratitude].' I do a short 5-10-minute meditation, followed by an 8-minute Tae Bo routine and a 10-12-minute conditioning workout that my younger brother makes for me each week. A shorter, but effective, workout like this in the morning is most conducive to my productivity throughout the day.
"Moving out of my morning self-care practice, I then get dressed, catch up on emails and prepare my lunch. Making and bringing my lunch to work has helped me get a bit healthier and save a ton of money."
Alicia Scott
Courtesy of Alicia Scott
Founder/CEO of Range Beauty
"The first hour of my day is crucial to set my intention for that day. I always begin with prayer, my daily devotional, and meditation for the first 30 minutes. Next, with breakfast, I review my weekly to-do board which is a whiteboard that has the days of the week listed and each day is divided by Morning, Afternoon, and Evening (great Target find!). I set this up every Sunday for the week ahead and then adjust the night prior or throughout the day. This helps me block out when to begin and end tasks and I use it with my weekly planner to stay focused. After this, I typically check emails and respond to any urgent requests."
LaKeasha Brown
Courtesy of LaKeasha Brown
Chief Juicing Officer at 1987 Juices
"I wake up everyday before 7am, I spend time with nature, God, and my priorities for the day. No emails, phone calls or social media. Before I put my feet to the ground, I meditate. In bed, eyes closed but mouth open and upward. 'Thank you God for waking me up this morning. Thank you God for every breath in my body. Thank you God for my peace of mind. Thank you God for an amazing day today, and thank you God for everyone one who experiences you through me today. Give me strength, give me courage, give me wisdom. Amen!' This sets the tone for the entire day.
"I then map out the entire day in the bathroom by order of importance and time. I write out my top 3-5 major tasks/goals for the day and set alarms to them in my phone. Setting an alarm to each goal reminds me to complete it but the time in between each alarm ensures that it's actually completed before moving on to the next. I'm extremely intentional about completing tasks, it's a form of self-care for me to finish what I'm setting out to do. I rarely plan more than 5 major goals a day, this helps me stay on track and makes sure I don't leave items for tomorrow to handle.
"From there, I drink my first cup of warm water, I make my green juice for the day (a Green Mile from 1987 Juices) and have my second cup of water before making breakfast. It's important to start the day off feeding your body with energy. This has done wonders for my digestive tract, mood and keeps my energy up daily.
"Next, I check my bank account. When it comes to money. I plan the big picture and break everything down into daily deposits. For instance, If I want to save $5k for at the end of the month, it starts with daily deposits of $167 daily. Checking my account each morning keeps me mindful about my flow of income and spending. Lastly, I step outside and smile at the sun. I spend a lot of time indoors. Whether it's pressing in the kitchen or at our Grab & Go location. The sun and the air are like charging stations in the morning. I plug in and go."
Yve-Car Momperousse
Courtesy of Yve-Car Momperousse
Founder of Kreyol Essence
"I wake up between 3am-5am, depending on what my intentions are for that day. In the first hour, I try to focus on some aspect of self-care to center myself. I often listen to one of my favorite podcasts such as Jay Shetty's On Purpose Radio, Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, Red Table Talk with Jada, or TD Jakes.
"I try to work out three times a week so when my body needs physicality, I either do CrossFit or go for a good run. For those mornings when I need to be reflective, I turn to journaling, meditation, and prayer. I know this is quite a mix of activity but when I direct my morning, I own the day versus it owning me."
"When I direct my morning, I own the day versus it owning me."
Featured image courtesy of Isa Watson
Originally published on February 17, 2020
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Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
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TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
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GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
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CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
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LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
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SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
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PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
GiphyAight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
GiphyWhen it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
GiphyYou know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
____
Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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Featured image by Sanja Radin/Getty Images