When you're in your 40s and single, it's not uncommon to be the only one in your circle who isn't in a serious relationship or married. With that being the case, it's almost inevitable that at least one of your friends is going to have a spouse that you're not particularly thrilled about.
In walks one of my girlfriend's husband. Just in case she or he happens to read this, I'm going to be vague on the details. Let's just say that he's smart and pretty cool upon first meeting him. But as you get to know him, he can be super-opinionated, a little controlling, with a dash of insecure. #ugh
Since he's that way, it makes moments of his marriage with my friend challenging to say the least (especially that insecure part). Also, because she and I are close, I hear the brunt of a lot of their issues. And that? That results in me giving him major side-eye; especially since over the years, progress has been S-L-O-W. Not to mention that he's patronizing and condescending—with her, me, the mailman…it doesn't matter—which are two of my BIGGEST pet peeves.
That said, people who know me know that I am pretty direct and that another one of my pet peeves is lying. Put those all of those things together and yep, my friend knows that her husband isn't my favorite person in the world. Still, we find a way to make our friendship work. Not just work, THRIVE.
If you've got a friend who has a spouse you're not super fond of and you either feel guilty about it, or you're not sure if your friendship can survive your slick-disgust towards them, I just wanted to take out a moment to share some insight on how my friend and I…cope.
1.I Respect The "Rank"
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Listen, some of my friends will tell you that I've come to their weddings and cried more than anyone else there. Not because I'm jealous; it's because I get that when one of your besties jumps the broom, like it or not, the relationship dynamic is bound to change. Calling all hours of the night is inappropriate. Randomly hanging out is unrealistic. So is putting them in the position of choosing between you and their spouse because, guess what? THE SPOUSE COMES FIRST. Since my friend knows that I know that, she feels like I respect the relationship even if I'm not thrilled about him as a person.
2.I Choose My Battles
He and I both should've went out for the forensic team in high school. I also admit that I'm currently in get-the-last-word-in recovery. In the past, sometimes we'd discuss things and get into heated debates that ended with him fighting dirty (translation—saying something low down just to "win") and me being PISSED.
These days? I'm not gonna get a million dollars by winning some inconsequential debate with him. Therefore, I choose my battles. Meaning, when I think he's about to get me in a headspace that's gonna have me in my feelings, I emotionally reroute.
3.He And I Need To Be "Friendly" Not Friends
I don't know why some of us think that if we're not friends with everyone on the planet, something is wrong. Shoot, let me tell it, the older you get, the more you understand the true meaning of and value in the word "friendship". As a result, you accept that you don't have the time or energy to have dozens of true friends anyway. My point? There is a lot of emotional space in between "friend" and "enemy". Just because you're not head over heels with someone, that doesn't mean you have to plot out their demise.
My friend's husband and me? We speak. We joke. If I'm talking to her on the phone and he's around, I acknowledge his presence. We're just not buddies. That's not a punishment or crime. We're friendly and that's just fine with me.
4.He And I Remember We BOTH Love Her
This is a big one right here. I'm not saying this particular point applies to everyone, but I personally think that if two people can't be friends because one of them doesn't like the other's spouse, something is missing in the friendship itself.
Even though my friend's husband sometimes does things that I'm not particularly thrilled about, that doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I know he loves her. I love her too. And because we both know that she wants both of us in her life, we love her enough to make being a part of her world—which includes sometimes being in each other's space—as comfortable as possible.
5.Timing Is Everything
One more thing. When you're really close to someone, you tend to vent basically anything and everything to them. But when the topic is their spouse, you've got to apply tact and timing.
You also have to realize that some things you need to keep to yourself and/or write in a journal at a later time. If you and your friend have already discussed how you feel about their spouse, there's no need to keep bringing it up to them (how would you feel if they did that to you?!).
Discuss only what would affect/infect the friendship if you didn't. The rest? Learn to let it go. At the end of the day, your friendship should matter more to you than your dislike of their spouse does. Simple as that.
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Featured image by Giphy
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