When you're in your 40s and single, it's not uncommon to be the only one in your circle who isn't in a serious relationship or married. With that being the case, it's almost inevitable that at least one of your friends is going to have a spouse that you're not particularly thrilled about.
In walks one of my girlfriend's husband. Just in case she or he happens to read this, I'm going to be vague on the details. Let's just say that he's smart and pretty cool upon first meeting him. But as you get to know him, he can be super-opinionated, a little controlling, with a dash of insecure. #ugh
Since he's that way, it makes moments of his marriage with my friend challenging to say the least (especially that insecure part). Also, because she and I are close, I hear the brunt of a lot of their issues. And that? That results in me giving him major side-eye; especially since over the years, progress has been S-L-O-W. Not to mention that he's patronizing and condescending—with her, me, the mailman…it doesn't matter—which are two of my BIGGEST pet peeves.
That said, people who know me know that I am pretty direct and that another one of my pet peeves is lying. Put those all of those things together and yep, my friend knows that her husband isn't my favorite person in the world. Still, we find a way to make our friendship work. Not just work, THRIVE.
If you've got a friend who has a spouse you're not super fond of and you either feel guilty about it, or you're not sure if your friendship can survive your slick-disgust towards them, I just wanted to take out a moment to share some insight on how my friend and I…cope.
1.I Respect The "Rank"
GIPHY
Listen, some of my friends will tell you that I've come to their weddings and cried more than anyone else there. Not because I'm jealous; it's because I get that when one of your besties jumps the broom, like it or not, the relationship dynamic is bound to change. Calling all hours of the night is inappropriate. Randomly hanging out is unrealistic. So is putting them in the position of choosing between you and their spouse because, guess what? THE SPOUSE COMES FIRST. Since my friend knows that I know that, she feels like I respect the relationship even if I'm not thrilled about him as a person.
2.I Choose My Battles
He and I both should've went out for the forensic team in high school. I also admit that I'm currently in get-the-last-word-in recovery. In the past, sometimes we'd discuss things and get into heated debates that ended with him fighting dirty (translation—saying something low down just to "win") and me being PISSED.
These days? I'm not gonna get a million dollars by winning some inconsequential debate with him. Therefore, I choose my battles. Meaning, when I think he's about to get me in a headspace that's gonna have me in my feelings, I emotionally reroute.
3.He And I Need To Be "Friendly" Not Friends
I don't know why some of us think that if we're not friends with everyone on the planet, something is wrong. Shoot, let me tell it, the older you get, the more you understand the true meaning of and value in the word "friendship". As a result, you accept that you don't have the time or energy to have dozens of true friends anyway. My point? There is a lot of emotional space in between "friend" and "enemy". Just because you're not head over heels with someone, that doesn't mean you have to plot out their demise.
My friend's husband and me? We speak. We joke. If I'm talking to her on the phone and he's around, I acknowledge his presence. We're just not buddies. That's not a punishment or crime. We're friendly and that's just fine with me.
4.He And I Remember We BOTH Love Her
This is a big one right here. I'm not saying this particular point applies to everyone, but I personally think that if two people can't be friends because one of them doesn't like the other's spouse, something is missing in the friendship itself.
Even though my friend's husband sometimes does things that I'm not particularly thrilled about, that doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I know he loves her. I love her too. And because we both know that she wants both of us in her life, we love her enough to make being a part of her world—which includes sometimes being in each other's space—as comfortable as possible.
5.Timing Is Everything
One more thing. When you're really close to someone, you tend to vent basically anything and everything to them. But when the topic is their spouse, you've got to apply tact and timing.
You also have to realize that some things you need to keep to yourself and/or write in a journal at a later time. If you and your friend have already discussed how you feel about their spouse, there's no need to keep bringing it up to them (how would you feel if they did that to you?!).
Discuss only what would affect/infect the friendship if you didn't. The rest? Learn to let it go. At the end of the day, your friendship should matter more to you than your dislike of their spouse does. Simple as that.
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How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends - Read More
My Female Friendships Were The Most Heartbreaking & Loving Relationships Of My Twenties - Read More
How I Overcame the Hurt of Losing My Best Female Friend - Read More
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RELATED
Now, when you go to the hair store you are inundated with all kinds of hair textures, colors, and more. That’s why it was so upsetting to read the latest report about synthetic braiding hair.
Delmaine Donson/ Getty Images
A Feb 27 Consumer Reports article revealed that most popular synthetic hair brands that are used for braiding have dangerous chemicals such as carcinogens, lead and volatile organic compounds (VOCs). The report stated that 10 of the brands were tested and all 10 had these chemicals. These brands included Shake-N-Go, Sassy Collection, and Sensationnel.
These chemicals include benzene, which is a carcinogen that has been linked to acute myeloid leukemia and unsafe levels of lead, which can cause kidney damage, brain damage, and cardiovascular problems in adults.
In children, it can cause brain and nervous system damage, learning disabilities, behavioral problems and even developmental delays.
James E. Rogers, PhD, director and head of product safety testing led the testing for synthetic braiding hair. “Our exposure and risk analysis found all nine products could expose a regular user of any of these products to a level of lead that could be concerning over time,” he said.
As shocking as this is, it also brought some clarity around why I’ve had issues with wearing braiding hair as of late.
Not only have I dealt with scalp irritation, I’ve even had breakouts on my back from the hair touching. Since then, I’ve started rinsing the hair with apple cider vinegar, and haven’t had that many issues. However, the report stated that ACV isn’t a “cure-all” and can potentially release harmful chemicals when rinsing the hair.
@javonford16 Replying to @Julianna Rebundle vid: @Javon Ford Beauty #blackhairstyles #braidinghair #blackgirlhairstyles @Consumer Reports
While the report sparked some outrage, chemist Javon Ford has a different view. In a TikTok video, he shared that the report was tested for oral exposure and not dermal exposure.
He showed a screenshot of an email he allegedly sent Consumer Reports questioning their decision to test this way. The email said, “the best model to use, in our view, is the ingestion model for the reasons given in the article.”
“While I understand they went with that model, I don’t agree with it because you’re not intentionally ingesting braids,” Javon said. The chemist also said that the amount of chemicals found in the brands is “conservative” compared to other types of products.
So what does this mean for us braid-wearers? If you still want to wear braids, but have some concerns, you can limit how often you wear them. Another option is wearing non-toxic braiding hair or plant-based hair. The only downside is that it's pricier than synthetic hair.
The Consumer Report also suggested checking for recalls, reading labels carefully, and reporting adverse effects. Hair isn’t regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, so it’s best to do your research when making purchases.
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