When my 20-year-old mentee revealed to me that she was in an abusive relationship, memories of my own damaged past resurfaced. After years of being single, I still felt just as embarrassed, exhausted, and empty as the day it ended. As she struggled to share her empathy for the man who had beaten and abused her, I thought about how similar her excuses sounded to my own.
"I hit him too." "I can't just leave him, because he would never leave me." And let's not forget my personal favorite: "But, I love him."
As she continued to talk, I began to realize that her situation was much different than that of my own. I was not afraid that my ex would harm my family or my child. I had not lost my mother only months before. I was not a single mother with no income and nowhere to turn. My young friend's story was one that I did not know how to fix, and this fact filled me with a multitude of anger that I then directed at her:
Why don't you just leave? Don't you see that this is a toxic situation? Don't you think that you deserve better? What if one of you gets killed?
I bombarded her with questions that I wouldn't have been able to answer myself, and although I initially got her to leave him, I ended up pushing her away even further and right back into his arms. Because of my hypocrisy, I haven't talked to my friend in days.
Recently, news broke that Real Housewives of Dallas guest star and entrepreneur Donna Alexander was beaten to death by her boyfriend in her home in Grand Prairie, Texas. The 34-year-old was initially admitted to the hospital with several severe brain injuries, but was later taken off of life support and died.
When I heard Donna's story, I immediately thought of my young friend. Donna left behind two small children, a family who loved her, and a life of potential when she was taken away. The gone-too-soon business owner had recently expanded her business, The Anger Room, to three new cities, and was prepared to take the world by storm until it was all brought to an end by a case of extreme toxic masculinity. The RHOD guest star spent much of her life advocating against domestic violence, and still became a victim.
Donna's story is unlike mine, or the one of my young friend. Her story proves that domestic violence doesn't discriminate based on class, potential, or ambition. Stars like Kelis, Rihanna, Tiffany Haddish, and Mariah Carey have all spoken out about their histories with domestic abuse in hopes that other women will feel less alienated by their experiences. These women prove that being in an abusive relationship doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.
As friends, we have to check up on our girls. If we find that they are in an abusive situation, give them the tools and the support to leave, rather than shaming or criticizing them for their decision to stay.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, and in honor of Donna, I'd like to share a few resources on how to help a friend that you suspect may be an abusive relationship:
- How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship | Psychology Today
- How to help a friend who is being abused | womenshealth.gov
- Help a Friend | Loveisrespect.org
- How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship | Teen Vogue
Rest in power Donna.
Featured image via NBC 5.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak