When my 20-year-old mentee revealed to me that she was in an abusive relationship, memories of my own damaged past resurfaced. After years of being single, I still felt just as embarrassed, exhausted, and empty as the day it ended. As she struggled to share her empathy for the man who had beaten and abused her, I thought about how similar her excuses sounded to my own.
"I hit him too." "I can't just leave him, because he would never leave me." And let's not forget my personal favorite: "But, I love him."
As she continued to talk, I began to realize that her situation was much different than that of my own. I was not afraid that my ex would harm my family or my child. I had not lost my mother only months before. I was not a single mother with no income and nowhere to turn. My young friend's story was one that I did not know how to fix, and this fact filled me with a multitude of anger that I then directed at her:
Why don't you just leave? Don't you see that this is a toxic situation? Don't you think that you deserve better? What if one of you gets killed?
I bombarded her with questions that I wouldn't have been able to answer myself, and although I initially got her to leave him, I ended up pushing her away even further and right back into his arms. Because of my hypocrisy, I haven't talked to my friend in days.
Recently, news broke that Real Housewives of Dallas guest star and entrepreneur Donna Alexander was beaten to death by her boyfriend in her home in Grand Prairie, Texas. The 34-year-old was initially admitted to the hospital with several severe brain injuries, but was later taken off of life support and died.
When I heard Donna's story, I immediately thought of my young friend. Donna left behind two small children, a family who loved her, and a life of potential when she was taken away. The gone-too-soon business owner had recently expanded her business, The Anger Room, to three new cities, and was prepared to take the world by storm until it was all brought to an end by a case of extreme toxic masculinity. The RHOD guest star spent much of her life advocating against domestic violence, and still became a victim.
Donna's story is unlike mine, or the one of my young friend. Her story proves that domestic violence doesn't discriminate based on class, potential, or ambition. Stars like Kelis, Rihanna, Tiffany Haddish, and Mariah Carey have all spoken out about their histories with domestic abuse in hopes that other women will feel less alienated by their experiences. These women prove that being in an abusive relationship doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.
As friends, we have to check up on our girls. If we find that they are in an abusive situation, give them the tools and the support to leave, rather than shaming or criticizing them for their decision to stay.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, and in honor of Donna, I'd like to share a few resources on how to help a friend that you suspect may be an abusive relationship:
- How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship | Psychology Today
- How to help a friend who is being abused | womenshealth.gov
- Help a Friend | Loveisrespect.org
- How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship | Teen Vogue
Rest in power Donna.
Featured image via NBC 5.
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The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
At first, that reality made me a little emotional, and I was brought to tears until I saw the comment section with responses like “Step one, find friends first” or “Does anyone else not have friends who like to travel?” While I found solace in that and have since understood the importance of travel groups, making friends with women who love to travel and have the schedule for it, and appreciating my friendship groups for what they are, I now wonder, overall, if social media making us compare our friendships in the same ways that we compare our romantic relationships?
Somewhere along the way, have we lost the plot? Is there friendship and connection outside of meeting up at the hottest new restaurant, girls' trip where we all wear the same outfits, or dinner parties with color schemes (not judging any of these choices, because I love them all), what about the friends that come over to give you a hug when you’ve had a bad day? Where are the friends who will run errands with you? Where are the friends who will give you their Finsta password to find out if your man has a side chick? Where are the friends who show up to your kids' sporting events?
Growing up with shows like Living Single and Girlfriends, we had the blueprint and somehow have missed the mark. We love to discuss the impact of these shows and how they made us feel seen - but do we hang out at each other's houses? Do we embrace friends who don't dress like us? Or are we only interested in friends who fit a certain aesthetic or are exactly like us?
In search of the truth and various perspectives, we’ve talked with 16 Black women for their points of view on whether they believe social media impacts friendships and if it’s made some friendships superficial.
Lisa, NJ:
Many of my closest friends are not on social media, however, the friends that are don’t respond to things unless (to me) they are concerned about something when they read into a post. Then I get a call like, “Hey girl, are you okay, I saw your post." Or they will be ringing my doorbell…even if they are still living in the Bronx. There are a core group of friends that we check in on a few times per month and meet up but for the ones that are on social media, it seems like I’m the only one that sends cards and reaches out more.
To me, they let social media be their only form of contact unless something serious is going on, sadly. They send greetings on social media, yet I still do both if you are a friend, that’s just me, and they know it… Sometimes, social media can be an easy way to avoid that old-school outreach. But let them need prayer even if I haven’t spoken to them in months. I'll just pray and love every moment.
Courtney, RI:
I do believe socials have an impact on friendships that make them “appear” superficial— however, I don’t want to believe that beautifully documented moments equal superficial friendships. I think some of the best moments with girlfriends aren’t always pretty and well-documented. BUT. There are times when I do capture things with my friends for social media specifically, and those are some rock-solid relationships - we are just cute. And outside. And y’all need to see us, lol.
JT, NC:
Social media has helped me connect with friends since relocating, however, while battling a chronic condition and sharing the deeply personal things I share about panic attacks and my pain, it triggers a lot of people, usually those closest to me. Meanwhile, I have strangers in my DMs daily praising the work I do and telling me I need a bigger platform. It breaks my heart when those I once loved rip me apart solely for being honest. I also think people put way too much thought into what people post instead of just having a real convo about what is really triggering [them] deep down.
Jennifer, NY:
In my opinion, a lot of friendships have become superficial - quite frankly, a lot of women are starting to look alike! There's nothing wrong with sharing posts, keeping your page a certain way, documenting while you are out, etc., but I have noticed many friendships have become "let's go here so we can get good pics" and less about building a bond.
Petulia, NJ:
I feel like social media makes friendships seem like they’re not adequate enough by the display that certain people have. It makes people feel like if they’re not giving out lavish gifts, they’re not good enough friends. If they’re not doing expensive dinners, things like that but friendships are more than that.
Courtney, NJ:
I think, in general, social media has played a role in how friendships are viewed! I think people see the glitz and the glam of friendships that people post however, they don’t see the times when you’re not talking… where there might be friction (women being women)… when you lose touch (life be life-ing), etc. I think that is what people don’t see and don’t really show the honesty in friendships on social media.
Quadira, NJ:
So I’ve always battled with valuing friendships since I was a kid. One, I would blame the fact that I moved a lot, so whenever I actually developed a friendship with someone, and we got close within a year or two, I had to move, and after a while, that just made me no longer wanna get close with people. And I was always satisfied with having a bunch of siblings and cousins as my friends. So I would have maybe one friend each school year, and I was okay with that.
I never really got to experience like a core group of girlfriends until I was in the 11th grade, and even then, I saw them as disposable and replaceable, but not in a mean girl way. I was just detached from the idea of long-lasting friendships. And I think that it took a toll on me throughout my college years because I would watch everyone have a group of friends that they stuck with for all four years and saw how they built their lives together after college, and I just feel like I missed out on that.
EF Volart/Getty Images
Social media has definitely made me feel a lot of FOMO, like I denied myself something so special by not putting value in building friendships. The cute pictures with friends were something that drove my FOMO, but I feel like it was misguided because I didn’t really understand what it took for people to have these moments with each other for so long OR that some of these photos really didn’t represent a healthy friendship.
But now I have that understanding, and my on-and-off social media moments with my friends don’t always look so aesthetically pleasing because it is authentic to the kind of friendship that we built with each other and does not mirror what other folks got going on.
Like me and my best friend have more crazy-looking FaceTime screenshots of each other than posed pictures. Because that’s just who we are and that’s what puts a smile on our faces looking back at those FaceTime screenshots rather than pictures intended for social media.
Beata, NJ:
I think social media could be a good thing for friendships in that it gives you gathering ideas, recs for places to go, and overall sometimes content that makes you appreciate the tribe you do have when you see it sort of reflected in front of you and can relate. I think some people have even found valued friendships through social media that they may otherwise wouldn’t have found in the “real world.” However, we know that with all things social media - there’s also that downside.
Sometimes, things can feel performative, one could wonder if people are reaching out to hang out because they see you posting a certain lifestyle and want parts or if they’re genuinely looking to connect. There’s also that notion of comparison, which we know can be the thief of joy. Maybe you don’t have that many friends or that core group, and because of what’s being portrayed on social media, you feel bad about what you do have because it doesn’t look the same.
Sade Danielle:
My personal experience is quite the opposite. I think social media has allowed my friendships to strengthen. As we get older, move away, and have limited time because of other responsibilities, social media has kept us together and even motivates us to plan trips, go to events, or just give kind reminders that we can stay connected through content we find and share.
Denise, NY:
I think social media hasn’t made it superficial, but I do think it has made it lack depth and a sense of responsibility.
Daneyah, LA:
I am a huge girls' girl and love all of my friends for who they are as individuals. One thing that has stood out to me is not depending on one friend for everything, as different friendships have different values and bring different things to the table! Yes, I feel like friends engage with each other socially based on time and proximity.
Because I live so far from most of my friend groups, we lean on socials to stay connected, share memes/relatable content, as well as support each other from afar! It’s definitely helped me stay connected. But I can also see the counter of that, where people see friend groups on social media and get attached to the facade but not the work that goes into nourishing those friendships behind the scenes.
Destiny, NJ:
Yes, I believe friendships have become so superficial based on social media and aesthetics. For instance, I’ve observed in my own personal friendships some friends will gravitate to people who have more of a social media following and what is trending on social media. Wanting to go to certain places and do certain things to adhere to a trend rather than just pulling up on your girls to talk. It becomes hurtful, too, when you have your core group of friends, and the group chat goes cold because you can't ever align schedules, but you see them with people who may fit more of an aesthetic.
Nashima, OH:
Social media has significantly shaped my friendships, making it easier to connect with friends no matter the distance. I enjoy sharing updates and experiences through posts and messages, which helps me feel closer to them. However, I've also noticed that it can lead to misunderstandings, as tone can be easily misinterpreted in text. Additionally, seeing friends highlights can sometimes evoke feelings of jealousy or exclusion. Jealousy in the sense I am missing out because I am states away.
While I appreciate the convenience of staying in touch, I often find that online interactions lack the depth of face-to-face conversations. Balancing social media with real-life connections is important for me to truly strengthen those friendships. Overall, social media plays a crucial role in my relationships, but it's essential to prioritize meaningful communication alongside it.
Justine, NJ:
I think social media affects friendships negatively because it offers a false sense of connection. It is nice to see photos or relatable memes that friends post, but it doesn’t give us an inside view of how they are really doing. It can be used as a tool to stay in the loop, but true connection involves vulnerability and impersonal encounters; both are missing from social media.
Jaylon, PA:
Social media has certainly impacted friendships in a number of ways. On one hand, I believe it’s made it harder to have true, deep, and long-standing connections as we compare ourselves and lives to the lifestyle content we see online. But it also has allowed us to connect with people who have similar interests all around the world.
Ebony, NJ:
I don't feel like social media plays a part in my friendship but I can see the benefits and negative impacts. Social media has been a way to celebrate with friends that I haven’t seen and see if they're going on an amazing vacation, getting married, or if they're opening up their own business, so I do find that it gives me opportunities to still be present even if I can't physically show up.
Sometimes, there are negative impacts of social media, especially as Black women. When we’re looking at content comparing our lives, there's so many curated situations on social media, so it may feel like, "Oh my friendship doesn't look like this," so then comparison sets in.
No matter where you fall whether you’ve found yourself comparing your friendships, felt alone, have a strong group of friends, or none at all, remember this - you are worthy of friendship.
Maskot/Getty Images
Every connection and friendship I have, from my best friends from high school and college to my friends I’ve met as a creator and entrepreneur, brings something unique to my life, and I truly believe that we can celebrate our old friends while embracing the opportunity to make new ones.
It’s important to realize that growth doesn’t mean leaving people behind; instead, it can enrich our lives in ways we never imagined. It’s absolutely possible to cultivate new friendships while holding onto the ones that have been with you through thick and thin. Each relationship adds a different flavor to our lives, and there’s power in allowing ourselves the space to expand our circles without losing the love for those who have always been there.
So, let’s embrace change, appreciate the different paths we take, and honor the friendships that shape our journeys, old and new.
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Featured image by EF Volart/Getty Images