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DomiNque Perry Shares Heartfelt Advice For New Moms: 'You’re Not A Bad Mom'
DomiNque Perry is undoubtedly a part of the new generation of Black actresses we love to see onscreen. From her current role as Aja in BET’s Diairra From Detroit to her unforgettable role as Tasha in the forever-rewatchable series Insecure, she’s become a culture fave. But what some people may be surprised to know is that she’s also a mom of a peace-loving six-year-old, appropriately named Zen. The Black Jesus actress shared that home life with her daughter is happily calm, and becoming a mother was the God-given addition that helped elevate her life.
When discussing how she sees her future, it’s full of ease. She’s planning for a career where she’s consistently given roles that challenge her as well as producing opportunities while leading a camp for children with autism; her daughter has high-functioning autism. It’s crucial to her to nurture Zen’s unique qualities and protect her natural rawness. “Once she gets older, we’ll tame that a bit, but not too much because I love the fact that she’s honest and says what she wants. Now, I speak up in places where I feel my voice needs to be heard. Life has made me want to speak up for myself.”
Today, DomiNque is working daily to build the life she envisions while keeping her daughter a part of all of her decisions. In this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, she walked us through how motherhood has affected her life and career, how she protects her peace while remaining authentic, and the role self-care plays in her parenting journey.
Photo by Jerome Shaw
Let’s jump right in! How has motherhood changed you?
Motherhood has changed me for the better. Now I know what it’s like to have someone love me unconditionally. I didn’t feel like I had that before. Of course, I had love for my family, but motherhood grants you this deep kind of umbilical cord love that, for me, is unmatched. She’s my best friend, and the way she looks at me makes me feel worthy.
Also, motherhood made me want to be better overall. I work to be healthier, and I make sure to do my wellness check-ups because of her.
I love that because, unfortunately, sometimes, you hear conversations surrounding women neglecting their self-care once they step into motherhood.
Yeah, that can happen, but you have to take care of yourself. A lot of people look at mothers as rundown or sleepy. And, of course, there are times where we’ll be tired, but being her mom makes me want to look and be better – because I have her watching me. I mean, I was tired before I had a child, that’s just life (laughs). You have to keep going.
Speaking of life, let’s get into your work life. Obviously being an actress is a unique career, but many women can relate to having to handle business while balancing mom life. How has motherhood affected your acting career and how you show up in the entertainment world?
As far as acting, it gives me a little bit more insight into deeper feelings that can come with different projects. I haven’t gotten too many roles that are outside of comedy, so I’m looking forward to that. But because I have a child and deal with another side of life, I’m able to go into roles with a different perspective.
But she never changed my grind. While I was pregnant, I was still auditioning. And right after I had her, I was back auditioning a month later. She’s come into audition rooms with me and everything, my daughter is a part of the journey. She hasn’t changed anything – just added to it.
Photo by Jerome Shaw
Another thing, you’ve been transparent and vocal about life and different things you’ve encountered throughout your journey. How do you keep the balance between protecting your peace, yet still keep your authenticity?
I don’t really have a balance with that, and that’s my problem. My mom even tells me in my personal life, I share too much. And sometimes, that’s how you get hurt because people can have a lot of information on you. But personally, I like to hear relatable situations. Because sometimes when we go through bad situations, it can just make us feel alone. So, I try to let people who go through ups and downs see I’ve gone through it, too. I try to maintain a level of secrecy, especially as a woman, but naturally, I’m just very real and raw.
By the way, I love the photoshoots you do together. What are some other feel-good activities you two do together?
Honestly, we have such a simple lifestyle right now because I’m not at the level I want to be in my career. I know later we’ll do a lot of traveling and businesses and everything. But as of right now, we like just being at home. She loves to be in her playroom. We do a lot of park dates. Oh, and we love music and dancing. I love the early 2000s, so her favorite song is "Touch" by Omarion. Because she has autism, she likes the same playlist of songs and that one is always on repeat.
You’re managing so much, it’s inspiring. If you could give one piece of advice to a new mom, what would you say?
I’d say – it’s okay. You’re not a bad mom. Don’t listen to what a lot of people “tell” you to do. Like breastfeeding, my body didn’t create milk, so I was under stress, like maybe I’m not a good mom. But it’s okay. Give yourself some grace. Know that you’re beautiful even if you’re going through postpartum or are stuck with things from childbirth or post-childbirth. It’s okay. Make some time for you. Workout. It’s okay. Whether the father is there or not, whether you’re single or not – give yourself grace. That’s the most important element.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/Getty Images for BET+
Kirby Carroll grew up in VA but now calls Atlanta, GA home. She has a passion for creating content and helping brands grow through storytelling and public relations. When not immersed in work, you can find her sipping a mimosa at brunch or bingeing a new TV drama on Netflix. Keep up with her on social media at @askKirbyCarroll.
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Earlier this year, while having a conversation with a couple of women about, well, a lot of things, when it came to the topic of traditionalism in relationships, one of them said, “I hate submission in all forms” to which I replied, “Unless a man does what you say, right?” to which she paused — and then shrugged and laughed.
It’s what I said next that tripped her right on out, though: “I guess that means that you hate the missionary position too because, I mean, lying on your back and opening up your legs in order for a man to enter inside of you? Not sure it gets much more vulnerable than that.” Her response? “Well damn. Touché.”
Ain’t it though? And here’s the thing, if you’ve ever wondered what the origin story of the classic missionary position is, according to some long-standing lore, it’s not too far off from what I said. That’s why, if you keep reading, I’ll attempt to fully explain what I mean when I say that, along with why, no matter what you think about where the name of the position actually came from, the missionary continues to be a supreme sexual go-to…for oh so many super valid different reasons.
If the Position Sounds Like What You Think, There’s a Reason for That
Back when I toured with an organization that got people out of porn and sex addiction, they put out a documentary about them called Missionary Position. Because it was a Christian-based group, it was definitely meant to be a pun.
I say this because, according to urban legend, the missionary position came from Christian missionaries who believed that getting into that position was the “proper” way to have sex. Is there Scripture to support this? No.
At the same time, though, because there are Scriptures that speak to sex being designed for marriage (I Corinthians 6) and husbands needing to lead their wives as their wife submits to her husband (Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:22, Titus 2:5) — many conservative biblical thinkers believe that the position complements, if not straight-up amplifies, all of this.
Personally, while none of what I just shared sounds totally outlandish, I must admit that I definitely would like to see a chapter and verse that confirms any of this (as far as the missionary position goes) to be true. I tend to check out Scripture a lot and…I haven’t seen it yet. Just sayin’.
Then There’s Another Theory…
Okay, but what about the people who don’t have Christian and/or conservative sexual views? Many of them also partake of the good ole’ fashioned missionary position, so…where do they think that the term comes from? Good question. From what I’ve read and researched, outside of a Scriptural realm, many consider missionary to be a type of “vanilla sex.” I evenread one article that said it’s for couples who are either so in love that they want to look at each other in the eyes all of the time (yeah, bookmark that) or are too lazy to try anything else (hmm…).
On a more scientific tip, theKinsey Institute has its own perspective. Although Alfred (Kinsey) did acknowledge that the tale of Indigenous people learning about the missionary position came from actual missionaries, once the sexual revolution began to pick up steam, many found the story to be ludicrous at best. Not only that but another semi-popular spin is that the Indigenous people of a certain time were not learning about sex from white missionaries via the missionary position; by using the term, they were actually mocking them for thinking that was the best way to have sex.
Some even "despise[d] the European position and consider[ed] it unpractical and improper." Some natives also believed that anyone who felt like sex should be that way, actually didn’t know how to have “effective intercourse.”
Listen, I’ll say this: whether you believe that the missionary position actually came from missionaries or that the term was an inside joke amongst the individuals who the missionaries called themselves trying to minister to — I think that if there are two things that we all can agree on, it’s that 1) the missionary position is definitely an all-time classic and 2) it’s not going anywhere any time soon.
And honestly, since one definition of a missionary is simply “someone who is on a mission”…no matter which theory floats your boat, what possibly could be wrong with that? Besides, I’ve got some pretty solid reasons for why the missionary position deserves its flowers…regardless.
5 Solid Reasons Why the Missionary Position Reigns Supreme. STILL.
Again, whether you like the name or not — shoot, whether it’s your immediate go-to position or not, take a moment to read why you definitely shouldn’t rule the missionary position out or simply chalk it up to some…vanilla sex (geeze).
1. Yes, eye contact is important. Positions that don’t call for eye contact have their benefits (doggy style comes to mind). However, don’t sleep on the fact that eye contact helps you to deeply connect with your partner, puts you in a better mood, increases arousal, and helps you to trust your partner more. If you take all of this into account, if you want to experience a deeply passionate sexual experience, why wouldn’t you choose a sexual position that has eye contact involved?
2. You can get maximum skin contact. When two people are fully naked and engaged in sexual activity, yes, they are going to experience plenty of skin-to-skin contact. That said, when someone is literally lying on top of someone else, it doesn’t physically get much closer than that —and the more that happens, the safer and less stressed you feel. Plus, that makes it easier for your oxytocin levels to surge which causes you to bond with your partner all the more.
3. It hits all spots. This point, I mean quite literally (andy’all can argue with science if you disagree). When it comes to making it easier to stimulate a woman’s clitoris and hit her G-spot which increases her chances of climaxing, the missionary position earns first place (especially if you have a pillow underneath your butt). Although the positioning itself plays a huge role, I’d venture to say that the other stuff that we already touched on helps with this too. Anyway, how cana position that gives more orgasms than other ones be considered “boring”? How indeed, y’all?
4. The variations are virtually endless. I think something that should go on record — not just when it comes to the missionary position but all sexual ones — is there are tweaks and “upgrades” that you can give to them all. For instance, shout out to Men’s Health for their article, “18 Missionary Sex Positions That Put a Fun Spin on the Classic Move.” It contains illustrations ‘n all of some real winners. Take a look. Prove me wrong.
5. C’mon, it’s comfortable. Uh-huh. Whoever the hater was who said that only lazy people engage in missionary sex, I’m going to swap out “lazy” for comfortable. When you’re tired or parts of your body are sore or not as flexible as you would like, the missionary position can definitely get you what you need without you having to stress yourself out in the process. To me, that doesn’t seem lazy so much as smart.
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Personally, I found the potential origin stories of the missionary position to be interesting. At the same time, it didn’t really influence me one way or another. At the end of the day, I’m always gonna be a fan of it. I mean, after all I just said, it would be silly (and counterproductive) not to be.
So-called vanilla sex or not, chile.
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