So I know I’m not the only one who’s been seeing an uptick in articles about it not being necessary to bathe on a daily basis (chile…CHILE). What certain researchers claim is cleansing your skin in that manner every day not only dries it out, it could potentially compromise your immunity too.
Personally, I don’t know what I’m more skeptical about, that part or reading thatonly half of Americans actually bathe on a daily basis in the first place (don’t even get me started on the fact that45 percent of folks in the United States will go two days or longer before putting on some fresh drawers). Listen, when you think about all that your cootie cat and behind go through on a daily basis, that’s enough of a reason to run to the tub at the end of a long day if you ask me.
That’s actually what we’re gonna get into today. If you’re someone who is all about hygiene, and so you’re not gonna depend on some type of body deodorant (some of those commercials are so gross; I won’t name no names about which ones, though) to cover up stank and bacteria, you might have found yourself wondering before if it’s better for your vagina if you take a shower or a bath. Although, at the end of the day, it’s not the biggest deal in the world if you already have a certain preference, I did want to bring up some things for you to think about — just as an FYI.
Benefits of a Shower
GiphyThere’s a guy I know who has always said that if he ever takes a bath, he’s going to get into the shower first. LOL. Although that might sound like a lot of extra work to some of y’all, believe it or not, he’s actually onto something. Even health experts will say that if your ultimate objective is to get your body as clean as possible, you’re going to be better off taking a shower (they also say that if you’re focused,5-10 minutes should be all that you need).One article that I read said that the two main reasons are 1) you’re able to get a fairly even distribution of water dispersed onto your body and 2) the dirt and ickiness flow right off of you and into the drain — when you’re in a bath, the dirty water is floating all around.
Now when it comes to your vagina, specifically, there are some perks to “her” taking a shower as well. For one thing, because the vagina is self-cleansing, it doesn’t need any of your help via washing products. And so, when you’re in the shower, it’s easier to wash your vulva only, so that your vagina doesn’t come into contact with any of the stuff that you use to wash the rest of your body with.
And since, yes, you can totally get a yeast infection from the bath products that you use (because they can potentially throw your pH down there off), all of this is definitely something to keep in mind.
Gee, after saying all of this, is there any benefit at all to taking baths? Actually…there are.
Benefits of a Bath
GiphyIf I’m gonna be real, if getting thoroughly clean is your (ultimate) goal, showers are going to win every time. On the flip side, though,baths are hella therapeutic. If you’re looking to soothe sore muscles and achy joints, strengthen your immune system (because apparently hot baths help to improve how your immune cells operate), make it easier to breathe if you have a cold or respiratory infection, decrease stress and anxiety levels; soften your skin; burn a few calories (because soaking in hot water can actually uptick your metabolism a bit), and/or improve your quality of sleep (especially if you do itno more than two hours before turning in) — taking a nice hot bath can make all of this happen for you (interestingly enough,a cold shower can accomplish many of these things too).
And vaginally? Is taking a bath any good at all? Well, stress does play a role in suppressing the good bacteria in your vagina, which means that if a bath reduces stress, it can indirectly help you to have fewer vaginal infections (like a yeast-related one). Also, if you have eczema or psoriasis on your vulva (or hemorrhoids due to things like recently giving birth), soaking in an oatmeal or sitz bath can relieve the discomfort.
Not to mention the fact that, if you have a yeast infection, soaking in a tub that has some baking soda in it, can help to kill some of the fungus that is irritating your vulva and the discharge that may be bothering your vaginal opening.
Still, you need to be careful to focus on the outside of your vagina, not the inside of it (if you have an infection, contact your doctor; they will probably give you something that will treat it from the inside out). Otherwise, the baking soda could irritate your vagina and not much else.
Either Way, 5 Cleansing Tips to Keep in Mind
GiphyWhen you take all of this into account, it seems like the conclusion is that whatever your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) needs at any given time, that is what should help you to decide if you should hop into the shower or soak in the tub. However, as a general practice, because the less “stuff” that gets into your vagina, the better, a shower is always going to be your safer bet. Whichever way you land, though, there are some cleansing tips for your vagina that you should always keep in mind.
1. Use a Gentle Vaginal Wash
I don’t care what article you read on how to clean your vagina — which, again, needs to be your vulva — if it’s worth its weight, it’s gonna say to avoid scented products; many will also say thatjust water alone will do the trick. Me personally, I use something calledBoric Fresh PH Balancing Daily Feminine Wash. It contains boric acid, tea tree oil, coconut oil, and some essential oils and works wonderfully. Sometimes I’ll play around with a DIY feminine wash, too (check out “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”). Those are fun because you can literally customize the ingredients to make a wash that is best for you at various times of the month.
2. Know How to “Wash Your Vagina” Correctly
It’s kind of wild, the things that we think we are masters at that we very well might not be. For instance, did you know that when it comes to washing your vagina (which, again, is more like your vulva),your hands are actually best because loofahs (and even certain washcloths) can be too harsh for the inner parts of your vulvar skin? Yeah, cleaning “her” is one thing. Cleaning her properly? That’s another matter entirely. That said, check out “Are You Washing Your Vagina Correctly? You Sure?” for some additional tips in that department.
3. Pat “Her” Dry
If you’re not someone who pays much attention to drying your vagina off after bathing it, please make sure that you start.There are experts who say that an unsung reason why some women get yeast infections (or recurring ones) is that their vulva/vagina stays too moist throughout the day — and that’s because some women do not make sure that it’s dry after washing. Air drying is good (if you have time); if not, pat it dry with a clean and dry towel. Yes, pat—rubbing is totally unnecessary.
4. Take Showers on Your Cycle
Let me just say that when it comes to taking a bath when you’re on your period,there is nothing “wrong” with it. Actually, hot/warm water can help to relieve menstrual cramps. All I’m saying is, if that’s the time of the month when you want to feel particularly clean, for all of the reasons that we discussed, a shower is probably gonna be your better bet. Plus, if you’re someone who hastension headaches during that time of the month, a hot shower could help to decrease your discomfort.
5. Put on Clean Underwear. ALWAYS.
I once read a quote that said, “Having sex with an ex is like getting out of the shower and putting the same underwear back on.” While I’m not sure if it’s THAT extreme (LOL), I do think that the saying is a good way to close all of this out. Back when I wrote, “When Should You Replace Underwear, Make-Up, Bedding, Washcloths & Towels?” for the platform, a part of the reason why is because some of us will hold onto panties for literally years at a time. Yeah, that’s not good because, for one thing, tiny parts of fecal matter store up in undies.
That’s why it’s important to get new ones — because why put a fresh body in 6-12 months’ worth of little stored-up poop pieces (yuck!)? So, whether it’s a shower or bath that you land on, please have some clean panties awaiting her at the end, aight? That way, your vagina will remain as clean as possible until the next time you get into a shower…or a bath.
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Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
GiphyAlthough I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
GiphyYou know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
GiphyAnyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
GiphyWhen you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
GiphySomething else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
GiphyIn interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
GiphyA quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
___
There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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