I'm not on social media, so some things I miss when they are trending. Take the #HurtBae hashtag that went viral a couple of years ago. I just saw all of the videos recently. Whew. If you're not familiar with the backstory, there's a platform called Iris that featured a former couple—Kourtney and Leonard. The first six-minute-and-some-change video consisted of them discussing/processing the ending of their relationship (according to Leonard, he slept with so many other women while they were together that he lost count). The second five-minute-and-some-change video was about Kourtney talking about the first video going viral and how it literally changed her life overnight. The final a-little-over-seven-minutes video brought Kourtney and Leonard back together, a year later, to see where things stood (Leonard, Leonard, Leonard).
The reason why I'm intro'ing this particular topic by recommending that you check—or re-check—those videos out is for a few reasons. One reason is because it is one of the best examples of the kind of man you should never take back into your life—as a boyfriend or a friend (Leonard's pride was ridiculous; he was mad flippant and disrespectful too). Another reason is, if you're currently going through a break-up with someone, the year later follow-up is a hopeful reminder that time heals all wounds and 12 months can totally change your life for the better (hang in there). And finally, the video series is the opposite of what this article is about. Kourtney revisited why it was good to never reconcile with Leonard; this is about how to know if an ex truly wants you back.
Reconciling with an ex isn't always or automatically a bad—or stupid or pointless—thing. No two people are perfect. Sometimes break-ups happen so that both individuals can mature, evolve and come back together at a better, healthier and more purposeful time. But if that is indeed the case, there are certain things that should transpire first. So, before entertaining letting an ex back into your heart and life again, make sure that he does these following five things (at least).
He’ll Acknowledge His Faults—WITHOUT DEFLECTING
There's someone who really hurt my feelings this time last year. Last month, we met up. Kind of like Kourtney and Leonard, only without the cameras. Anyway, although he let me share how what he did affected me, not once did he apologize. It was more like, he listened and explained why he does what he does without really owning up to how supremely jacked up he can be when it comes to matters of the heart. In fact, there was a time in the convo when he said, "No one else in my life wants to have these kinds of conversations." (No one holds you accountable?) Oh, here was another gem—"Honestly, I'm here more for you than for me." Ohhh…you hurt me but rather than acknowledge what you did wrong, you want me to be thankful that you're even out here at all. #thisguy
You know, not too long ago, a friend of mine told me that their spouse never apologizes for anything and that is something that I might have to accept in order to salvage things with ole' boy. NOPE. An apology is an act of acknowledgement and humility. Someone who isn't willing to do that is someone who is setting you up to go through the same drama and trauma all over again. I'll pass.
So yeah, sis, if "he" really wants you back and he knows there are things that he did wrong (or that simply hurt you because that's not always the same thing as "doing wrong") in the first place, he's gonna bring up where he went wrong, apologize and share, without any prompting on your part, how he's going to do better in those areas. Because his love for you will be bigger than his pride (cue in Sade's "Love Is Stronger than Pride" right here).
He’ll Want to Know Your Needs. And Wants.
Clearly, if the both of you were getting your needs met (not just you, him too), things probably wouldn't have ended in the first place. But sometimes, when you're in the throes of a relationship, you're so busy trying to make it work that you're not always stopping to process if you both are bringing to the table what's required for the relationship to thrive in the first place. Sometimes a break-up lets you see if the love you had for each other really is enough to try and give things another shot.
If your ex comes to the conclusion that it is, he's already gonna know that it's an honor for him to even get a second chance. He's also going to be painfully aware of the fact that if things go south this time, there probably won't be another opportunity. For both of these reasons, he will be proactive about getting to know what you need in order to be fulfilled and happy this go around. He won't assume he knows. He won't be shocked if the time apart has revealed to you that some of your needs have changed. He'll need you, so what you need from him (within reason; check out "Are You in Love or Are You in Need?" to get what I mean by that) will be a top priority. Some of your wants—also within reason—will be as well.
He’ll Be a Better Version of the Man Who Left
There are three online dating series that I currently enjoy. One is called Can 2 Strangers Fall in Love with 36 Questions? It's a reminder to be intentional with truly getting to know someone on your first few dates with them (Russell and Kera and Azariah and Nikki are two of my favorite couples so far). Another is Eating with My Ex. In a particular episode, exes Jas and Ash ask each other (among others) four super-relevant questions: Why can't we let go? Are you always trying to win me back? Where do we go from here? Delete each other's number or get back together? (If you are considering getting back with an ex, I recommend asking these too!) Then there is the Snapchat series Second Chances.
In an episode featuring exes Rovelt and Richelle, they broke up due to flirting and poor communication issues. As they were hashing things out and trying to figure out if they could make things work, Rovelt pulled a surprise on everyone. He not only admitted the areas where he could—and should—improve but he offered Richelle a promise ring as well. He even got on one knee.
I appreciated his effort because, to me, it was a reminder that if/when an ex wants you back, he's not just going to want to be with you again; he's going to present a better version of who he was before. You'll see growth in his character, his efforts and even his perspective. You won't have to prompt any of this to happen either. He'll do it all on his own. Because he wants to. Because he wants you.
He’ll Want the Relationship to Be More than It Was Before
This one right here, while it might seem like the same point that I just made, it actually isn't. I'd venture to say that a top reason for why a lot of relationships end is because it's reached the "piss or get off the pot" portion of the program; you know, the place when one person wants to move forward while the other either wants things to remain exactly the same (see "Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?" and "Here's How You Know He Won't Commit to You. Like, EVER."). If this is why you and your ex are no longer a couple, I don't care how much you love him, how strong the connection is or whatever other "tempting" reason you have for entertaining going another round, if he still doesn't want what you ultimately desire, what's the point in choosing to frustrate yourself all over again?
I remember Dr. Phil once saying that when he was dating his wife, Robin, there came a point when she was like, "Listen, if you're not gonna marry me, I need to get on with my life." She did just that and moved to another city. Not too long after, he went and got her back; not to be his girlfriend but to become his wife.
Some people might find what Robin did to be an ultimatum. I'm actually not big on applying those to relationships, so I don't. She didn't say, "Marry me or else". No, what she said was, "I know the kind of relationship that I desire and I'm gonna free my heart and life up in order to get it." BIG DIFFERENCE.
There really is no point in reconciling with an ex for more of what you got, that you didn't want, before. This is probably why a lot of men can break up with a woman they love and completely leave her alone; they know this. So yeah, if your ex is truly trying to get back with you and the main reason you broke up in the first place was because the relationship wasn't bad, it was simply stagnant, he's gonna come with a plan, a purpose and a future. You can take that to the bank!
He’ll Be Thorough and Consistent
Two things that are totally underestimated when it comes to both men and women is getting with someone who is thorough and consistent. To be thorough is to be extremely attentive. To be consistent is to be constant, dependable and reliable.
A lot of men like the chase, so don't be too moved by what your ex initially does in order to capture your attention. Take things slow (intimacy included) so that you can see if he's going to call when he says he will, if he's really listening to what you communicate to him, if he's avoiding the past faux pas that were made, if he's striving to make you feel safe and secure—if he's showing that getting involved with him again isn't going to be a rerun but something very fresh and new.
If this is the kind of man who shows up, while it's wise to proceed with a bit of caution, please don't close yourself off to the thought of opening up again. Especially if deep love is there, it's OK that you want to give that man a chance. Even if he is…an ex.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy