I've shared before that I'm a doula. Personally, I think the gig consists of tending to the mother, ensuring the safe birth of her child and also making sure that her partner (and kids, if she has other children) has all of their questions and concerns addressed. You know what's a trip about the partner part? Whenever the topic of body positivity and sex comes up, it's very rare that a man will be nearly as critical of a woman's body as a woman is. At the same time, if there's one particular concern that both men and women have when it comes to life after giving birth, it's how the vagina is going to be following it.
It's a fair question because while having a child is one of the most beautiful and miraculous things that can even happen to us, anyone who tells you that it won't change your body is either lying or they're delusional. It will. And yes, this includes your vagina. However, when it comes to the whole "loose vagina" fear, there are a few points that I want to address today. One reason is so that I can dispel certain assumptions and myths. The second is so that I can put both you and your partner at ease. So, are you ready to know the facts about the so-called loose vagina?
So, Is There Really Such a Thing As a “Loose Vagina”? If So, Why?
Let me start off by saying that when it comes to the term "loose vagina", it is more of an exaggeration than anything else. Goodness, there are so many reasons why our vaginas are pretty damn amazing. One of them is it's got a ton of elasticity in it. Just think about it. If you've had a child before, then you can already attest to the fact that while an entire body came out of your vagina, it has pretty much gone back to the way it was before you gave birth. And how long does this process take? You definitely need to wait the standard six weeks after giving birth for your vagina to heal. Following that, it may take a few more months for things to feel way more normal to you—and to your partner.
Now, I won't lie. If you want me to say that things will be exactly the same, the answer is "probably not" because, again, an entire baby came out of you. At the same time, to be honest with you, there are much bigger changes to look out for like maybe a shift in shoe size, your breasts not being quite as full, needing to get your sex drive back to the way it was and perhaps experiencing some hair loss. And what about how your partner will feel about your vagina? While some men have felt pretty intimidated after watching the birth of a child (I'm sure you can get why), when I've done follow-ups after about six months or so, most of them say something along the lines of 1) they were just thrilled to be able to get some again and/or 2) the fact that their partner was able to birth a child makes her sexy AF and/or 3) it's not a big enough of a change to be that big of a deal. So, as you can see, as far as a loose vagina when it comes to vaginally giving birth goes, there really is nothing to worry about. Let's keep going.
Is there anything else that can result in a vagina being…loose? Well, let me knock one myth totally out of the way—it definitely can't happen from having numerous sex partners. Think about it. If a vagina is able to bounce back from a body coming out of it, what kind of damage is an organ that averages 5" erect really gonna do? Exactly.
What can cause a vagina to become less "tight" over time is age. That's because, once we hit around the age of 40 (which is perimenopause for a lot of women; menopause averages around the age of 51), our system can start to produce less estrogen which can cause our vaginal walls to become thinner; drier too. So, if you don't have kids or it's been a while since you've given birth and either you or your partner are noticing that things are a little bit different down below, getting your hormone levels checked could be beneficial; especially if you're around 40 or over it.
Honestly, a “Tight Vagina” Could Be More Problematic. Here’s Why.
Now that you hopefully have a greater understanding of what a loose vagina is all about (along with why it really isn't something to be too concerned about), let's touch on tighter ones, shall we? Aside from virginity, if you're having sex with someone and your vagina feels "tight" in the sense of being uncomfortable, that isn't really a good thing. While yes, sometimes adjusting to a new partner can result in needing a couple of tries in order to get used to his size (that doesn't rhyme on purpose), honestly, sex is meant to feel good. So, if you don't, that can kinda fall on him.
Why and how? Well, two things that we need in order for our vagina to feel great during sex is arousal and lubrication. If your partner sucks at foreplay (and not in a good way), if he is sexually selfish and/or if ole' boy is a minute man, all of these things could keep your vagina from relaxing and expanding as it should.
That's why, whenever I hear some dude go on and on about tight va-jay-jays being his thing—I'll be honest with you, a part of me wonders if he's way worse in bed than he thinks that he is because, when it comes to a fulfilling sexual experience, getting in a "tight" vagina should not be the goal any more than being with a guy with a huge member should be (check out "BDE: Please Let The "It Needs To Be Huge" Myth Go"). Having a pleasurable time should be the focus and the most your vagina expands in order to comfortably accommodate your partner, the better. And yes, he plays a huge role in making that a possibility.
5 Things You Can Do to Increase Vaginal Elasticity
So, what if, after taking all of this in, you feel like your vaginal is not as "elastic" as you would like and you want to do something about it? That's a good question. Here are some natural things to try at home.
Do some kegels. Most of us have heard of kegels before. At the end of the day, they are simply a series of exercises that consist of your vagina clenching and then releasing so that your pelvic floor can feel stronger and your vagina can seem less loose. Since kegels also help to increase blood flow to the genital region, it can actually benefit your partner to do them as well since they could make his erections fuller in the long run. Some kegels tips for women can be found here. For men, it can be found here.
Eat some phytoestrogen foods. Remember how I said that a dip in estrogen could be a part of the reason why your vagina doesn't feel quite the same? A natural approach to this particular issue is to consume more phytoestrogen foods. What exactly is phytoestrogen? It's a plant-based source of estrogen. Some foods that contain phytoestrogen include lentils, wheat germ, cherries, oats, barley, apples and carrots.
Cop a vaginal cone. Some people like yoni eggs. Others prefer vaginal cones. Either way, if you want to strengthen your vaginal floor, get yourself one (or one of each). All you basically need to do is insert one into your vagina. In response, your vagina will contract in order to keep the egg/cone from slipping out. Some women use them to make their vagina "tighter" while others use them to combat urinary incontinence. If you use them consistently and correctly, they can actually be pretty effective.
Spoon. When I say "spoon", I mean sex not sleep. The truth is, any sexual position that requires you to keep your legs closer together can make things feel more snug up in there. So, next time you have sex, get into the spooning position and let him enter into you that way. Things will feel "tighter" and it can increase your chances of climaxing too.
Have sex more often. One more. Should it come as any surprise that one way to get your vagina to become less loose is by strengthening your pelvic floor via sexual activity? The reality is that when you have an orgasm, your vaginal walls contract multiple times and then relaxes. You know what this means, right? The more you cum, the more contractions you have and the better your vaginal walls end up becoming. So, check out "10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day" for more inspiration, go find your partner and then get into that spoon position I mentioned. Your vagina will thank you. Hell, you will thank you. #wink
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Savannah James & April McDaniel Say Yes, Your Friend Can Be Your Soulmate
My first introduction to the idea of friends being your soulmates was from watching Grey's Anatomy. The show's characters' Meredith and Cristina, were as thick as thieves, and they both had their separate romantic lives. However, their friendship was the best relationship in their lives, and they often referred to each other as "my person."
For better or worse, Meredith and Cristina were an example of true love in friendship and as a soulmate. A soulmate is defined as "a close friend or romantic partner with whom one has a unique deep connection based on mutual understanding and acceptance," according to Merriam-Webster.
In other words, a best friend can also be your soulmate. On the Everybody's Crazy podcast, co-hosts Savannah James and April McDaniel sat down with psychotherapist Vanessa Bennett and psychologist Dene Logan and talked about everything from friendships to embracing your inner child.
During the conversation, April shared that Savannah was her soulmate, which affirmed the mother of three.
“I mean, I have to say it makes me feel butterflies inside. Just because, like she was saying, I didn’t think that you could have a soulmate as a friend," Savannah said in response to April's proclamation. "I thought that was always someone that was romantic or, you know, whatever, but um, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel seen.”
She continued, “I think a part of being seen, I think, is what you were saying, like a trauma response from when you were younger and why I go in and the way that I react to things.
"I think it speaks directly to that. I feel like I can be my whole entire self even though I might be a little bit less available. But to have someone understand that part of me and say, like I know that’s how she is, and it’s OK, and give me a minute instead of trying to make me someone that I’m not, like it feels really amazing. Like it feels good.”
Savannah and April often speak about their friendship and shared some of the challenges they faced in their personal lives and showing up for each other. Besides the Everybody's Crazy podcast, they also co-founded, along with Porsha Ellis, Let It Break, which is a women's membership-based community for personal growth and self-discovery.
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