

“What’s your attachment style?”
It’s a simple yet probing question that has made its way into modern dating culture as a casual icebreaker and do-tell dating app prompt. It may seem like just another relationship buzzword ridden by internet self-diagnosis, but understanding your attachment style can provide you with the self-awareness for how to show up in relationships and heal your approach along the way.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory proposes that the emotional bonds we form with our primary caregivers in childhood influence our relationships throughout life. These bonds typically fall into four categories: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment.
Of these attachment styles, the wildcard of the bunch is disorganized attachment, which combines the neediness of anxious attachment with the aloofness of avoidant attachment, all wrapped up in one.
Signs of a Disorganized Attachment Style
“In relationships, behaviors associated with a disorganized attachment style are: individuals who struggle with feelings of insecurity and loneliness, and have trouble trusting others,” Dr. Janet Brito, an AASECT certified Latinx sex therapist and founder of The Sexual Health School and Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health, tells xoNecole. “This pattern may strain the formation of maintaining secure bonds, and result in chaotic relationships.”
Originating from inconsistent and often traumatic childhood experiences, individuals with disorganized attachment — also known as fearful-avoidant — feel tugged between needing closeness and sudden withdrawal.
According to Dr. Brito, a key sign that an individual may have a disorganized attachment style is their hesitancy to trust the people around them. “They may demonstrate inconsistent behaviors (stay close, go away) or fear of rejection or abandonment,” she explains. “Others may struggle with seeing themselves in a negative light, having a hard time self-soothing, and becoming easily overwhelmed.”
Root Causes of a Disorganized Attachment Style
Perceived fear is central to the development of a disorganized attachment style. Grasping how the experiences within a person’s formative years shape their attachment style is essential to managing and healing the wound. “Some common causes are a history of childhood abuse, such as emotional neglect and unresolved trauma,” Dr. Brito explains.
She adds, “Due to the childhood caregiver demonstrating unstable patterns and inconsistency in expressing affection, individuals in adulthood may struggle with trusting their instincts and trusting others to provide emotional comfort and safety.”
Disorganized Attachment Style In Relationships
Adults with a disorganized attachment style often face a paradox in relationships: the desire for love and connection while simultaneously fearing intimacy and anticipating rejection and hurt. This fear stems from early experiences with unpredictable caregivers, leading them to view partners as similarly unreliable. Consequently, they struggle to trust and accept emotional support, expecting disappointment as an unavoidable outcome.
“The relationship may appear unstable and unpredictable. Individuals may create close bonds and then abruptly and suddenly withdraw,” says Dr. Brito. “Trust is a big issue; therefore there may be lots of conflict around issues of emotional reliance.”
This mindset often results in self-sabotage or choosing partners who reinforce their fears, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of failed relationships. Although a disorganized attachment style differs from an avoidant style, both involve a fear of intimacy and a tendency to avoid close emotional connections.
“An individual who demonstrates a disorganized style may exhibit behaviors that are a mix of yearning for closeness, but also pushing others away, whereas an individual who demonstrates an avoidant attachment style may avoid emotional closeness,” she says. “Despite their desire for closeness, their fear of being hurt keeps them in a cycle of avoidance and expectation of rejection.”
Healing Through Disorganized Attachment Style
Thankfully, the attachment style we’re nurtured into doesn’t have to be the one that we’re stuck with forever. With the right support, therapy, and a curious approach to the journey, healing this complex attachment style is well within reach.
“Prioritizing self-healing and becoming curious about your attachment style is important, as it fosters holding a curious attitude toward understanding your patterns,” Dr. Brito advises. “Seeking a therapist to assist you to increase self-awareness is beneficial. Valuing your self-worth, and adopting narratives that are empowering can be helpful too, as well as surrounding yourself with a supportive network that models secure bonds.”
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak