I remember it like it was yesterday. My husband called me “an un-supportive wife."
He said I didn't support him in his pursuit of his dream career.
We've had many arguments in our 10+ year relationship, but this comment insulted and hurt me more than anything he's ever said to me.
All I do is support him.
I couldn't believe he just uttered those words. I was shocked to silence when he first spat that out at me. I looked around in disbelief that he could actually feel that way.
I looked around at the janky old apartment in Jersey City (above my mother in law, mind you), that I agreed to move into for him from my beloved city of Manhattan so he'd be close to school for his needed prerequisites. I looked at the bin of freshly washed laundry done so he'd not have to worry about having bright white shirts ready for work, and I looked at my non-existent workspace since he has the entire office to himself…
Then my rage came.
I had an Ally McBeal moment of bashing my laptop right onto the top his head. I spat right back at him. Listing all the things I've done that show my support in his future career. From helping him with research, writing, to small things that make his life easier so he can do what he has to do. It was a laundry list, and by the time I'd finished, my face was soaked, I was standing over him, shaking and much louder than I started out.
His response:
“Yeah, but you never SAY supportive things."
I wanted to punch him in the nose.
Words? I thought. You want words?
Had I known that all I needed to do was shake a pom pom and say “Go John, go!" I'd be happily living in a cute uptown Manhattan apartment and not be so far from all of my friends, family, and support system.
If I'd known that words mattered more than actions, I'd have done a LOT less, been a lot more comfortable, and just tossed a few saccharine sentiments at him each day while maintaining the lifestyle I wanted. Sigh.
To me, words are worthless. Anybody can say whatever they want, but what I value are actions. Politicians say “no new taxes" and then raise them five minutes later. Cheaters say “you're the only one for me" and then go hook up with their side piece. People talk about getting healthy for years as they continue to lay on the couch eating junk food. Words have very little value in my eyes.
Actions matter. What you actually DO means a lot more than what you say to me. There's a big difference in the friend that visits you in the hospital after you've given birth saying “girl, I got your back" and the friend that pops up a week post-partum with two casseroles, forces you to lay down and starts tidying up your home while you rest.
I had a moment of resentment-tinged clarity after my “I'm oh so supportive" tirade. My mind went to Gary Chapman's book “The 5 Love Languages" that I read very early in our relationship, and re-read last summer. I gave my husband the book to read, and he didn't. So I sent him the quiz to help him discover his love language in lieu of reading. He never sent his results. ::sturdy side eye::
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES ARE:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Gifts
After reading, I realized that acts of service, and quality time are my languages. (Don't get me wrong, I love a gift as much as the next girl!) But I feel most loved when you actually do something meaningful for me. I think this stems from what I saw my dad modeling toward my mom growing up with little things like filling up her gas tank and keeping her car clean.
I wanted to say (in the nastiest, attitude-filled, ratchet, neck swiveling way) “If you had actually read the Love Languages book…maybe you could have communicated this earlier…."
But instead I was silent (for once). He was finally telling me his love language!
My husband was communicating his feelings. In his way. He was letting me know that he was hurting and feeling unsupported and needed something different from me. It didn't matter how I felt about my level of support towards him. It didn't matter how I felt about what it was that he needed.
And it was my job to ensure he had what he needed. Period.
Words may not hold much weight with me, but it's irrelevant if it's what's required for my husband to feel like I've got his back. Just like him doing the dishwasher each night is just a random chore to him but makes me feel loved and like he values the time I have to spend in the mornings with our son.
Since this conversation I've changed the “language" I speak with my husband. I'd be the person to clean the bathroom because he hates doing it almost as much as I hate doing dishes, thinking that he understands it as an act of love. But it doesn't translate. He doesn't speak that language. Now, I've been trying my best to speak (literally) words of affirmation, words of love, words of appreciation, words of encouragement and words of support to my husband. He's my best friend and I want him to always feel like I support him in his endeavors no matter what language I have to speak it in.
Knowing his love language has made me a better wife.
I now encourage everyone in a relationship (or looking for a relationship) to read "The 5 Love Languages" or take the Love Languages quiz and figure out their own first. This allows us to be able to effectively ask for what we need in our relationships. If you are being supportive, pouring out words of affirmation and doing household chores as a way to show your love, but your partner's love language is physical touch, they are not going to feel happy and completely supported and loved if they aren't shown affection.
I also encourage everyone to have their significant other to read the book or take the quiz as well. It's important to be able to speak the language of love that your other half understands. It makes for a happier, more intimate, an deeper connection. Who doesn't want that?
Maintaining a strong and happy marriage requires so much effort and energy. There's a saying, “happy wife, happy life." But I believe it goes both ways. I want my husband happy, which in turn makes me happy, and we both get a happy life and family out of that.
It's a work in progress.
What's your love language?
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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