Callings in life can be a funny thing. Take mine, for instance. I'm a firm believer that I am here to speak on three biblical covenant principles—sex, marriage and the Sabbath (not necessarily in that order) and yet, January 9 marks 13 years of not having sex (even though I talk and write about it all of the time), I've never been married before (even though I'm a marriage life coach) and the Seventh-Day Sabbath isn't the popular day of spiritual rest; Sunday is. Whenever folks try and interject some level of cynicism into any or all of these things, I typically share what my name means. Shellie is actually Hebrew (an Israeli told me that about eight years ago); it means "Mine; Belonging to Me". I then talk about what Ezekiel 16:8 (NLT) says—"I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine." After that, I pretty much follow that up with the phrase "watch the fruit". That basically means, things don't always have to look the way you think they should for them to be the way they're supposed to be (Matthew 12:33).
Since I live in the South (Nashville, to be exact), it's common for the follow-up question to then be, "So, what church do you go to?" 9 times out of 10, people are even further thrown off when I say, "I've been out of church as long as I've been abstinent." Then I pause and say, "That's quite the commercial for church, isn't it?" (For the record, I am not anti-church; it just doesn't serve a real purpose for me in this season of my life. I always try and do things that are purposeful. Habit and purpose are not synonyms.) While some go on to tell me how borderline blasphemous I'm being, more times that not, the next question is, "Oh, so you're spiritual instead of being religious?" What I then say might surprise a few of you—"Actually, I try to be more biblical than anything which means I'm a little bit of both."
To me, I think that religious and spiritual are thrown around so much that they could stand to be unpacked more before we casually profess to be either one. If you're curious to know what I mean by that, I've got a few thoughts below.
What It Means to Be “Religious”
Be honest. When you think of the word "religious", what immediately comes to mind? If it's church or even "being churchy", you are certainly not alone.
With studies like "Most Teenagers Drop Out of Church as Young Adults" and "U.S. Church Membership Down Sharply in Past Two Decades" coming out more and more, clearly a lot of people feel the same way. When it comes to what the actual definition of religion is, a pretty basic one would be "a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects". Based on this definition, while there appear to be 12 major religions— Baha'i, Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism, Shinto, Sikhism, Taoism, and Zoroastrianism—the most practiced one, especially within the United States, continues to be Christianity (with Islam and Atheism placing second and third).
Keeping all of this in mind, I would think that when most people say, "I'm not religious", what they mean is they've applied the Walt Whitman quote that I shared up top; that there is something—or a set of things—within a specific faith that insults their soul to the point where they can't full-on say that they are a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, etc. That's it's not just about not attending a certain place of worship every week; it's that there are certain principles that they can't honestly say that they agree with either. Hmph. Let me tell it, that's why there are over 200 different denominations within Christianity alone. Although all Christians profess that they believe that Christ is the Son of God, many can't get on the same page beyond that point. And so, there are religions within their own religion. For some, that is not only confusing but draining. So…they bail. Not Christ but the denominations (and yes, there is a difference).
Then there are what my mother refers to as "the walking wounded"; people who don't consider themselves to be religious, not so much because they disagree with a certain a set of principles so much as the people who teach them or sit in the pews and listen to them. Actor Meagan Good (who is married to movie executive and minster DeVon Franklin) comes to mind. Last year, we ran a piece where Meagan said this:
"If I'm being completely honest, my experience with some church folks has not been that positive. It's unfortunate because we're supposed to be the biggest lovers. And it's like even if you disagree with someone or you don't think what they're doing is right, you're supposed to mind your own business and pray for that person. Other times, you're supposed to correct in love if that's what God told you to do. And there was no correction in love. It was like a complete assault."
She's right. While there is a Scripture in the Bible that encourages us to "exhort daily" (Hebrews 3:13), we're also instructed to "speak truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). Not either or. Both. But that's kind of my point. When I took the time to "Walt Whitman" my own journey, one book that was a game-changer wasPagan Christianity?: Exploring the Roots of Our Church Practices (Frank Viola, George Barna). As I paid closer attention to what I had been taught while growing up vs. what the Bible actually says and what I actually felt at peace within my spirit about, I could no longer say that I was a part of the religion that I was born into. Why? Because I could no longer get down with all of the "beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects".
Peep how it says that people create religions…people do and people are flawed. For instance, Christ did once tell a group of people that if they are without sin, that they should cast the first stone. In that same story, he also told the woman the folks were ridiculing to go and sin no more. Not either or transpired. Both. (John 8:1-12) Unfortunately, a lot of times religion involves people picking and choosing what to preach, teach and model. That's what happens when flawed folks create principles.
Still, that doesn't mean that I'm personally not religious, though. Why do I say that? Because of what I said at the very beginning of all of this. What I do rock with is the Bible (which is an eastern not western culture book; don't let these Americanized religions fool you); it has a very clear definition of religion—"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." (James 1:27—NLT) Caring for those without parents or who have lost their beloved? Trying not to let this crazy world jack me up? If that is being religious, oh, I strive to be very religious.
This view of being religious doesn't only apply to Bible followers (who aren't only Christians, by the way). This applies to people who honor other holy books too. If the faith you are most comfortable with has its own definition of religion, don't allow "people's principles" to keep you from applying it to your life; especially since another definition of religious is "a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs".
If you've got a set of core beliefs that are centered around a Higher Being and it helps you to be a (more) moral individual, by definition, you are religious. You just don't subscribe to man-made religion. See the difference there?
My overall point is this. "Religious" isn't a bad word. Succumbing to the pressure to practice what man expects of you over what your spirit says is best for you is the issue and challenge. Which one are you currently doing?
What It Means to Be “Spiritual”
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Spiritual. OK, so whenever someone tells me that they aren't religious but they are spiritual, I tend to ask them to clarify where they are coming from. While I personally do believe that a Satan exists, I know that many don't. At the same time, I think the majority feels that there are forces of light and forces of darkness all around us. Scripture puts it this way—"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12—NKJV) Spiritual hosts of wickedness. Spiritual and wicked. Did you notice that?
Just recently, I listened to a really great podcast featuring Andre 3000 and Rick Rubin. As I was listening to Andre 3000 candidly share his feelings on isolation and loneliness, you can't convince me that he hasn't been battling with some dark spirits. Actor Mack Wilds recently spoke of how grateful he was to have a child on the way after being in "a really dark place"; to me, that's another example of dealing with some "dark spirits". I know a lot of other words and terms were deemed the most popular in 2019, but I personally think that "social anxiety" tops just about all of them. Some "darkness" comes with feeling too paralyzed to create or perform.
So yeah, it should go—and stay—on record that "spiritual" isn't automatically synonymous with good, light or beneficial. Any DC or Marvel comic will show you that.
That's why I encourage folks to break down what they mean when they say, "I'm spiritual". Are you saying that you don't subscribe to a specific religion? Are you saying that you acknowledge that you are a spiritual being? Are you specifying that while you don't go to a place of worship or use a title (like Christian, Muslim, Jewish, etc.) that you're intentional about nurturing your spirit or soul? Just being spiritual isn't good enough. Evil is spiritual.
When I acknowledge that a part of me is spiritual, I think more in line with a quote that is usually attributed to the late author C.S. Lewis—"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." The Hebrew word for soul is "nephesh". It's a dope and multi-layered word. It means "a soul, living being, life, self, person, desire, passion, appetite, emotion". Oh, the irony. Peep how when you are nurturing your soul, you are tapping into some of the very things that many religions try and get you to ignore like your desires and your passions. Do these things need a moral compass and some self-control? 100 percent. But, at the same time, if you're not pouring into them as well, you are abandoning the very core of what you are—A SOUL. When John 4:24 tells us that "God is Spirit", and I think of a definition of spiritual being, "of or relating to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature", it's a reminder that being spiritual is a good thing—so long as your spirit is ever surrendered to a Higher Being.
So yes, on some levels, I do think there is a difference between being religious and being spiritual. Yet more than that, I wholeheartedly also believe that the two things can co-exist, in harmony. How? It's when man is pulled out and the Source of Love is put in.
In other words, if being religious is about applying a moral code based on a supernatural source of Light and being spiritual is about tapping into that same source in order to fulfill one's desires and passions—it shouldn't be assumed that just because you don't conform to a certain set of practices that you're not religious or that being spiritual means that you're not disciplined or even that you don't apply a holy book to your life. It simply means that you've moved man out of the way so that you can learn more about the Spirit.
And that? That is something to be really at peace, confident and happy about. So, if that's where you are, sis, be that. It's a good and purposeful thing. The truly religious and spiritual individuals will totally agree.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
I Grew Closer To God After I Left The Church
These 8 Scriptures Are Spiritual Game-Changers For Single Women
5 Signs You're Experiencing A Spiritual Awakening
How To Ground Yourself Spiritually
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The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
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When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
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Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Now, the interesting thing about quiet quitting is, while some employees do it because they are lazy (I mean, let’s be real), there are other things that can lead to this approach/tactic, too. They may not put in extra effort because their employer’s expectations aren’t clear (or they are ever-changing; bookmark that, please); they feel like they are doing most of the work without very little reward or even appreciation; they might see the job as having no opportunity for real growth, and/or, it could be that, if they feel as if their employee is basically “running everything,” they may do as little as possible as a bit of a power play — as a way to earn some self-respect until/unless they decide to move on.
On some levels, y’all, quiet quitters are quite the strategists. Kind of in a passive-aggressive type of way.
You know, when I first told someone that I was going to be comparing quiet quitting in the workplace to a man who quiet quits in a relationship, they thought that I was going to be coming from the angle of a guy who low-key ghosts his partner. NOPE. Today, we’re gonna tackle what happens when a man feels a lot like these undervalued employees out here, and so he takes a simple, quiet quitting approach.
That way, you will know what to do if you happen to notice some low-key quiet quitting happening in your own relationship — or, umm, situation.
First, Why Would a Person “Quiet Quit” in a Relationship to Begin With?
GiphyI can just about guess what some of you are already wondering: if a guy is going to go through all of the trouble of doing what a quiet quitter does, why doesn’t he simply end the relationship? Well, sometimes, it’s not that simple. Think about jobs. Even though it’s been reported that over 60 percent of people say that they are emotionally detached at work, while 19 percent go as far as to say that they are completely miserable at their office, what they don’t do is quit. Why? Because jobs provide money for their services, money pays bills, and bills are something that all grown people have to deal with.
In other words, no matter how unhappy some individuals may be, they will find a way to make it work because there is still some sort of “payoff” going on. Sometimes, a relationship is no different.
And, if you pause and ponder long enough, I bet that you can either recall a relationship you’ve been in or you know of someone who’s in a relationship where they are emotionally detached (or sexually unfulfilled or mentally bored or…or…or) and yet they remain because 1) there’s a lot of history between them and their partner; and/or 2) they love their partner yet they’re not sure if they’re “in love” anymore, and/or 3) they are telling themselves, year after year, that what they are going through is seasonal and eventually things will change for the better.
And so, in the meantime, what do they do? THEY QUIET QUIT because, even though they aren’t exactly thrilled with the current state of their relationship right now, they are still getting something (or things) that they need out of it — yes, there is still a payoff.
Now remember, when it comes to professional quiet quitting, it oftentimes happens when folks feel like they are doing most of the work, and/or they don’t feel appreciated and/or they feel disrespected, and/or they feel like their partner is trying to run things all of the time. Lawd…LAWD.
Now, when a guy feels this way in his relationship, how might quiet quitting manifest itself?
6 Ways a Man May Quiet Quit in His Relationship
Giphy1. The two of you spend less time together. Say that you really like someone, yet it seems like every time you’re around them, some sort of argument goes down, or you don’t feel like you can fully be yourself. The good times are good enough that you don’t want to end things, however, at the same time, the bad times are annoying enough that you can’t be around them constantly. So, what do you do? You spend less time in their presence. In a dating dynamic, dates are fewer, conversations are shorter, and less and less future plans are made. This is one way a person who is quiet quitting a relationship may choose to handle things.
2. He’s not as readily accessible as he used to be. My male circle? I’m hella proud of them. One reason is that they all are pretty successful in their prospective fields; so much, in fact, that one of them just told me while we were on a lunch date a few days ago that he almost always answers my calls as opposed to so many people who get pushed straight to voicemail: “You rarely want anything. You just want to know how I am, so I enjoy talking to you.”
That said, I have some clients who nitpick and nag their spouses incessantly. Then they complain about them not immediately answering their calls or replying to their texts. The reason is obvious: who wants to choose to be berated 24/7? Yeah, if your partner used to be readily accessible and that seems to be shifting for some reason, before complaining about it, ask yourself why that might be the case — what you may be doing that has resulted in that type of reaction (or lack of reaction).
3. He’s far more REACTIVE than PROACTIVE. People do what they wanna do. That is so true. And although some folks need to accept that it’s no one’s job to be at their beck and call (entitlement ruins so many relationships), when someone is truly into another person, a clear indication of that is they tend to be far more proactive (doing things without being asked or prompted) than reactive (doing things because they were asked or prompted to do it). When it comes to what’s transpiring in your relationship right now…which is it?
4. The intimacy is lagging. Whenever a physically capable married person tries to tell me that sex isn’t a big deal in their relationship, all I see is one huge human red flag. At least when it comes to the traditional type of marriage, one of the main things that makes it different from any other type of relationship IS that there is a committed-to-one-partner type of physical intimacy between two people. So, if a husband and wife are each other’s only sexual “outlet” — hell yeah, sex needs to be prioritized.
That said, when sex isn’t (as) present in a long-term dynamic, 8 times outta 10, without question, it’s revealing issues within the relationship — and oftentimes, no matter how attractive a person is or even how good the sex may have been with them in the past, when a person doesn’t feel seen or esteemed, they can/will start losing interest. This can also happen when they feel disrespected by their partner, and so they start to put up walls — including in the bedroom.
5. When you bring up the future, he deflects. Relationships are designed to move forward. If they remain stagnant, more times than not, they will eventually come to an end. And so, if it seems like your relationship is currently in a rut or you can’t remember the last time that any real future plans were discussed and/or made, this also could be an indication that your man is a quiet quitter.
The relationship may be cool enough to not end it (for now) — at the same time, though, he may be kinda sorta keeping his eyes open for other “opportunities”…if you know what I mean. And that’s why he doesn’t want to commit to anything more than what he is already in.
6. At the end of the day, he basically does what he “has” to do. The bare minimum. Who wants to be in a relationship where that is transpiring, and yet a lot of people are right there? And why would someone take a bare minimum approach? They might prefer to dodge confrontation. They might not be sure how to please their partner (because their partner keeps changing their mind about what their wants and needs are). They might be running on fumes. They might no longer feel enthusiasm in the dynamic.
To them, there might not be enough of a reason to feel inspired or motivated to do more — and so, they do just enough to keep the relationship going and not much more than that.
How to Address a Relational Quiet Quitter
GiphyThe interesting thing about all six of those potential quiet quitting scenarios is many folks are right in them, and yet, they think that the way to handle the matter is to gripe, criticize, and/or toss out ultimatums left and right when really, there are far more effective ways to get things back on track.
Figure out what you really want. Remember how I already said that some employees quiet quit because their employers either don’t have clear expectations or they are constantly changing them? Geeze, who wouldn’t be frustrated in that type of environment? In fact, I was recently talking to a client who said that they have been on their job for well over two decades with no official title. SMDH. Talk about corporate gaslighting.
Anyway, if your guy isn’t giving you what you want, it might be because you’re putting more pressure on him to read your mind or figure out what those things are when really…you need to find clarity within yourself and then articulate your expectations — not as demands either. Grandma used to say that you can always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Same thing goes for getting your needs met. If you feel like some low-key quiet quitting is going on, ask yourself what you want and then make your requests clearly known. Clarity fixes a lot of relationship issues. Trust me.
Address the issue head-on. I don’t know why people think that hinting around is effective — especially with men. Chile, I can’t tell you how many times a woman has said to me that her man has asked if she’s okay, she has responded with an abrupt “I’m fine,” and then she thought he was being “insensitive” by then dropping the subject and going on about his business. If things aren’t fine, it’s up TO YOU to say it, not up to him to ask you 20 questions before you finally state what is really going on. SMDH.
That said, now that you know how quiet quitting can play out in relationships, if you sense that it is happening between you and your guy, bring it up. Not in an accusatory way but in an “I’ve noticed lately that this and this have [or haven’t] been happening. Am I right? Is there something that you want to talk about?” Even guys who don’t like confrontation tend to open up more when they feel like their partner genuinely cares about what they think and how they feel.
Come to an agreement on how both needs can be met. If someone leaves a job, it’s oftentimes because their needs aren’t being met, they found an opportunity that will help them to grow better/faster, or they have been offered more elsewhere. On the other hand, when someone is released from a position, they weren’t meeting their employer’s expectations, they aren’t sticking to the arrangements that were made at the time that they were hired for the position, they “false advertised” when they took the job (meaning, they said that they could fulfill the requirements and then reneged in some way) and/or they are so out-of-pocket with their actions, that their employer simply can’t rationalize keeping them around any longer.
In other words, an employer/employee situation has to be a give-and-take — relationships are no different. So, if after talking to your partner about what is going on, the next step is not for both of you to go back and forth about whose needs or expectations aren’t being met more — no, the next step is to see if you both care about and value one another enough to “meet in the middle,” so that both people feel valued and appreciated.
Mutually agree to be patient with the adjustments that need to be made. When someone is a quiet quitter, it also usually means that trust has been fractionated on some level. And so, if you both decide to try and make things, not just “work” but work for the better, you need to extend a grace period between the two of you. It takes time to break old habits, execute new approaches, and see things (more) from your partner’s perspective. Care enough about each other to be patient with one another.
___
A lot of relationships have quiet quitters in them (both directions). A lot of relationships can also be saved if people realized that quiet quitting is the root problem. If you see your situation in all of this, hopefully, you can now approach it in a way that will breathe new life into your dynamic.
After all, life is too short to be out here quiet quitting. Make it work, or move on.
(If you see some real good, try to make it work first, though. We are too grown to be “quick quitting” too.)
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