I've shared before that I don't do social media. No regrets either. Adding to that, I can't tell you the last time that I Googled myself and I rarely read comments posted under anything that I've written. See, I remember the days before the world wide web (amazing). I imagine that life was so much more peaceful for professional writers back then because you basically said what you wanted to say and was done with it. There were no distractions from trollers or haters or folks who just like to trigger you for a living (when they actually could and should be focused on their own life's work). Limiting how much I engage online offers up a similar kind of tranquility.
And what in the world does this possibly have to do with what I'm gonna touch on today? Well, since I don't have social media accounts, another bonus is I'm not as tempted to do what a lot of people in my world tend to do — check up on exes. Lawd. Folks post so many details of their daily lives online that it can be really easy to get caught up in the past, in your present, if you're not careful. That's why I wish that I had totally ignored a friend who decided to give me an update on an ex, one that was from many years ago, a couple of months. Because while I'm not gonna lie and act like I don't think about him from time to time, I honestly hadn't interacted with him since I went on my heart pieces tour (check out "Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour").
I hadn't looked him up in a few years either. Yet when I heard what I heard, I went a lookin' and boy…what I saw. I won't lie, it sent me back down memory's lane for a hot minute. And it definitely had me wondering if I was simply missing what once was or if I was low-key craving him a bit. The conclusion that I came to, I'm hoping can set some of y'all free, if you are currently in a similar emotional predicament…cause whew, chile.
What Does It Mean to Crave Someone?
OK, although the title has "miss" before "crave", consider that to be a little bit of clickbait because honestly, I think it makes more sense to break down what it means to crave someone first. And yes, I'll use my semi-recent incident as the example. The interesting thing about a craving is, from a dietary standpoint, it oftentimes means that we are either lacking a nutrient or that our hormones are imbalanced in some way (which explains why many of us have cravings when we're on our cycle or pregnant). However, there can also be psychological reasons for cravings too. A memory, an emotion, a longing can cause us to want to eat something that will bring some sense of comfort to us.
Let's expand this to a craving for a person. Definitions for the word include "to long for; want greatly; desire eagerly", "to require; need" and "to ask earnestly for (something); beg for". As you process these definitions, think about what I said about your body and swap it out for your heart. Then exchange food for "him".
When you feel like something is lacking within you, you may crave someone. When you're emotionally all over the place on some level, you may crave someone. Feeding into a memory, the way a person made you feel or a desire that you possibly have been suppressing, that too can cause you to crave someone. And if you don't really take the time to ponder all of this, the craving could manifest into a longing, possibly begging (asking earnestly) or even gassing yourself up to think that you need or even require them to be (back) in your life.
My ex? The chemistry was strong. The sex was good. The battle of wits was bar none. Not just when we were together but many years later when we caught back up. I won't lie —I literally had to convince myself to not get off ofmy abstinence wheel and take another spin with him (if you know what I mean). Yet in 2015, when we reconnected by phone, while I was still sexually attracted to him, I realized that I missed him — or rather, missed what we had — more than anything else (more on that in a second). And still earlier this year? Chile, that was a craving. See, I have been so focused on fulfilling my purpose and counseling other people that, although I'm a place of wholeness when it comes to my relational status (perhaps more than I've ever been before), seeing him married, a parent and thriving got to me a bit.
It was a mixture of being happy for him, wondering if we would've been like that had we made more responsible choices in the past and also admitting to myself that sometimes I desire companionship. Then I had to remind myself that wanting that and yet refusing to settle — those two things can co-exist. Not only that, but it's OK to feel that way. All of this brought me to the conclusion that the craving I was experiencing really wasn't about him. The craving was seeing what had manifested in his life and desiring it. A bit.
Another example of a craving. There is someone in my world who had an emotional affair with an ex because 1) her marriage was getting on her last nerve in that season and 2) she was missing the sexual connection she had with this particular person (a person who she found online so, again, be careful on there). That is a brutal combo yet between his looks, his charm and taking a walk down sexual memory lane, she was definitely craving him. And while she eventually realized that he was someone that she really just needed to leave alone for the rest of her days, after coming clean with her man and going through some couple's therapy, she also saw that the craving existed because there was a disconnect with her husband. While the sex with her ex was bomb, she was also satisfied with her man. It's just that because something was lacking between them, she "blew up" the experiences that she shared with her ex in her mind.
Cravings will do that to you. They'll have you out here thinking that you'll damn near die if you don't have a pint of Rocky Road or one more round with a blast from the past. It'll do that until you get to the root of what's triggering the craving in the first place. Once you do, usually you end up realizing that you're just fine without it or him…that you might miss him but that's about it.
Which brings me to the next point.
What Does It Mean to Miss Someone?
Miss. Miss is an interesting word. It means "to fail to reach, hit, meet, find, or attain (some specified or implied aim, goal, target, etc.)", "to fail to attend or be present for", "to fail to see, hear, understand, or perceive" and "to lose, overlook, or fail to take advantage of".
When you take all of this in, it's easy to see how "I miss him" can include all of these definitions. You may miss that you aren't present for a season in "his" life. You may miss that you are unable to see or understand what's currently going on in his world. You may miss that you didn't take advantage of the opportunity that you had to build with him once upon a time. You may miss that you've lost him. Perhaps for a season. Maybe for good.
For me, "my miss" was knowing that being present in his life would be totally inappropriate (considering our history). I also "miss" him in the sense he has to be chalked up to a missed opportunity. That's why it's so important that when we're making decisions that we factor in the fact that decisions now have a ripple effect in our future — not "every once in a while", at least 85 percent of the time. Back when he and I were involved, our passion was reckless, our privacy was sneaky and our thought process was only in present tense. We had a lot of the characteristics to be an awesome match while making totally irresponsible decisions. And so, when I saw what his life looked like I now, I realized that I missed taking better advantage of the potential of what we could've been more than I craved anything about him, if that makes sense.
Another example. Last year, another ex hit me up to tell me that he missed me. What he missed, more than anything, was our friendship. So much damage had been done and so much time had now passed that it's pretty close to impossible to become anything more than two people who are at peace with one another while living separate lives — yet, he missed discussing politics, watching movies and listening to music together. He missed our inside jokes. He missed our way of just…knowing each other — when we knew each other. Nothing is lacking in his world now. In fact, in many ways, he's thriving. So no, I'm not a craving. He just misses parts of me. And us. I totally get that because, again, a craving tends to reveal to us something that we're lacking in some way while missing something (or one) can happen, even if we are fine and whole.
Why Is All of This So Relevant? And Beneficial?
The reason why it's so important to know the difference between the two is because craving and missing warrant different responses. If you're craving someone, I recommend that you do some real soul-searching to see where you feel like there are places of lack — not so much as it relates to him but as it relates to your mind, body and spirit. What kind of voids would distracting yourself with him fill? On the other hand, if you're missing someone, well, that happens. When we share our worlds, intimately, with someone else — it's kind of like what I heard someone in a movie once say. They asked, "If you love someone and it all comes to an end, where does the love go?" Indeed.
If you just miss them, miss them. It's not an automatic sign to make it any more than that. Honor your heart and the journey by being still in feeling what you feel…knowing that the feeling will pass.
Back to food. You know, sometimes I miss McDonald's French fries. However, I don't really crave them. My overall health and diet are at a place where I don't feel like that kind of food will fill any voids for me. That doesn't mean that I don't remember how good they used to be at a certain time in my life. I think about all of this sometimes when I drive by a pair of golden arches. Then I come home and make myself something better.
Processing men can be the same way. If you long for someone, what's that about? Is it really about him or is it loneliness, horniness, regret, fear or something even far more complex speaking up? On the flip, if you just find yourself reflecting and nothing more, do that and move on.
I'm telling you, knowing the difference between these two things can change your life and save you a lot of time. Clearly, I'm speaking from very personal experience. Craving vs. missing is all about clarity. The clearer you are, the easier it is to do what you need to do. For yourself. Irrespective of him.
Feel me? Somehow, I believe that you do.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
GiphyAight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
GiphyWhen it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
GiphyYou know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
____
Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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