Listen, when it comes to sex, if I have a tagline (that I made up, by the way), it would definitely be, “Sex doesn’t MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES it.” There are a billion-and-one reasons why I feel that way; however, for the sake of your time and my (writing) space, I’ll just name one: although sex is a very powerful thing, I’m not fond of it being seen as a way to make love happen.
Why? Because that’s how a lot of people fall delusionally into all kinds of relational nonsense: they thought that since the sex was good with someone and because oxytocin did what it was designed to do (which is bond two people together), they must, automatically, be on the fast track to love — when that wasn’t even close to being the case. And oftentimes? They had to find that out the hard way.
That’s why I’m a firm believer that sex should be the icing on the cake of a relationship, so to speak. It shouldn’t be relied upon to make love transpire; instead, it should help you and someone who you know that you love to celebrate your feelings and commitment to one another. Make sense?
Okay, so with all of that said, why did I decide to give this article the title that it has? For one thing, what I just shared is my opinion; others feel differently. And two, even if you agree with where I am coming from, pretty much all of us have been programmed to see “having sex” as being less impacting than “making love.” And the latter point is why I decided to ask six married couples to share with me what they think the difference is between having sex and making love — now that they can look at both from a personal experience and “lesson learned” standpoint.
*Middle names are used so that people are able to speak freely and comfortably*
1. Adrian (42) and Melissa (38). Married 14 Years.
GiphyAdrian: “When I was out in these streets, they should’ve named one of them after me; that’s how active I was. And if you asked me to recall what half of those women looked like, I couldn’t draw you a picture. I’m not saying that to brag. I’m saying that to say that women need to not assume that just because a man slept with you that he wanted anything more than that one experience. Having sex gets projected to be more than that with a lot of men when that isn’t the case. When we get a nut, thank you…over and out. Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down. We want to make it last for as long as possible because we enjoy being close to them. If you’re paying close attention, you can tell when a man is making love to you — and when it’s just…sex.”
"Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down."
Melissa: “Unlike my husband here, I wasn’t ‘out here’ like that. I was never someone who wanted a ‘hoe phase,’ and one-night stands weren’t really my thing either. I did have some rebound sex situations, and that’s what I have to go on when it comes to having sex vs. making love. I think for us women, when we’re using someone to get over someone else, there’s no way that could be about love because the motive is selfish. Making love is about giving yourself to another and also wanting to please them as they do the same thing for you. You’re not looking for what you can get so much as what you can give. It’s literally about expressing love in a physical way. Having sex has nothing to do with any of this.”
2. Wesley (30) and Narielle (31). Married for Three Years.
GiphyWesley: “Why isn’t f — king in here too? That’s another category. Yeah, if someone is just f — king you, there’s very little foreplay or kissing, and they have already timed how long you should stay or they’re gonna be at your place. If they’re having sex with you, they will care enough to tell you what the situation is and will pass if you’re not on the same page because they at least value you enough to not want to hurt your feelings or give you any illusions. If they’re making love to you, they’ve told you where they stand, emotionally, before the sex. It doesn’t always mean that you’re in a serious relationship, but the two of you do share similar feelings and are on the same page about where you’d like things to go. When men make love, there’s intention involved. They’re also figuring out how to fit you into their life besides the four walls of their bedroom.”
Narielle: “I think that having sex is more about physical pleasure while making love is a holistic experience. Whenever I make love, things feel more intimate, more intense, and more…involved. I’m also not looking just for an orgasm, but when they happen, they are so much better than when they happen with sex only. It’s like love is in action in the most profound way possible. That’s why I think they call it ‘making love.'”
3. Xavier (41) and Charlotte (38). Married 11 Years.
GiphyXavier: “When you want to be as close as you can to someone because it’s where you feel safe, loved, and fully appreciated as the person you are, and you can trust that because that individual knows more about you than anyone else, that’s when you’re walking into ‘make love dimensions.’ I agree with you: sex doesn’t make love happen. It’s more like…the sex act makes it possible for you to share a closeness with someone that nothing else can. And when that closeness transpires with a person who you love with everything that you are, ‘make love’ is almost the only way to describe it. Now having sex? Animals do that. A sexual release doesn’t mean that anything life-changing or earth-shattering happened. If your genitals get stimulated, you’re gonna climax. Big deal.”
"When I'm horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm."
Charlotte: “Hmm. How do I put this? I guess the best way to separate having sex and making love to me is, when I’m horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’ve got my husband ‘on tap’ to do that with, but the orgasm is really all that I’m after. Making love, though? That’s when the orgasm is the icing on the cake because, more than anything, I just want him inside of me to feel how much I adore him and how much he adores me. If we cum, cool. If we don’t…I’m fine with that too.”
4. Jacob (27) and Ashlynn (27). Married for Two Years.
GiphyJacob: “I think that having sex is about what you can get out of sex, and making love is what you and your partner can get. What I mean is, back when I was just having sex, if the other person had a great time, that was fine, but it wasn’t my main goal. A lot of guys won’t tell you that getting your off is still about us and our ego when there’s not an emotional connection on some level. Making love? I’m not happy, pleased, or done until my partner is, and her being pleased brings me the most pleasure. Making love is a selfless act.”
Ashlynn: “Without going into too much detail, now that I’m married…I don’t think I’ve ever really made love until my husband. I had some really good sex but…when you’re fully committed to someone who is also fully committed to you, it shows up everywhere — including in the bedroom. It’s like…all of the love that I have for this man, I want him to feel it during the sex act, and that is A LOT. I also think that’s why our sex life only gets better over time. The more I love him, the more I wanna express it. Yes, even with sex.”
5. Richard (34) and Shayla (33). Married 7 Years.
GiphyRichard: “Mostly everyone who I’ve had sex with, I cared about on some level. I respected my body and time too much to lower that bar. Making love is something different. When men get to a point where they feel like they are ‘making love to you’ — they are totally vulnerable. They are bringing all of who they are into your energy and space. That’s why women have to be careful about how they treat men whenever a man initiates — he’s bringing his most fragile self to you when he actually loves you.”
"Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet... sometimes they don't."
Shayla: “I’m gonna be real with you: sometimes I ‘have sex’ with my husband, and sometimes we ‘make love.’ Yes, I love him all of the time, but I think the differences have a lot to do with the mindset you’re in while having sex with someone. Sometimes, I don’t want to be all emotional and cuddly. I want my back blown out! Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet…sometimes they don’t. I’m satisfied either way.”
6. Ransom (50) and Ostar (47). Married for 24 Years.
GiphyRansom: “Not to go too deep on you, but I think the biggest difference between having sex and making love is in the first words of both terms: have and make. Have means that there are different degrees of possessing something. Make means that there’s a particular method or approach that you’re using to achieve a certain end result. When you have sex with someone, there are degrees of investing that you are putting in to get what you want — and based on who you’re having sex with, that goal can vary. When you make love, you’re going to take the approach that will make you and your partner feel the most loved. There are no variations because, each and every time you make love, love what you’re looking to achieve.”
Ostar: “Damn babe. See why I love this man? In all of our years together, I’ve never heard him speak on this before. He’s gonna get some tonight: sex and love! My thoughts are that having sex is ‘scratching the surface’ of intimacy while making love is going into the deep end of it all. When you want all of who you are to mesh with all of who someone else is, then you’re getting into the ‘make love’ side of things. Also, pay close attention to how you feel once the experience is over. If you want to learn even more about them, get closer to their soul and commit even deeper as you feel all of that being reciprocated? There’s a good chance that some ‘love energy’ was exchanged because, when it’s just sex, you tend to want to retreat back into yourself rather than share even more with someone else. Making love is a spiritual journey. Having sex can be just…physical.”
____
There you have it: six married couples (and 12 different people) sharing their thoughts on what having sex and what making love is — to them. And now that you’ve taken in their perspectives, I’m curious…what are yours? Hop in the comments and share. Because no matter where your feelings fall on the issue, if there’s one thing that all of these insights proved, it’s that sex isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” kind of experience. And you know what? Making love isn’t…either.
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At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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