Listen, when it comes to sex, if I have a tagline (that I made up, by the way), it would definitely be, “Sex doesn’t MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES it.” There are a billion-and-one reasons why I feel that way; however, for the sake of your time and my (writing) space, I’ll just name one: although sex is a very powerful thing, I’m not fond of it being seen as a way to make love happen.
Why? Because that’s how a lot of people fall delusionally into all kinds of relational nonsense: they thought that since the sex was good with someone and because oxytocin did what it was designed to do (which is bond two people together), they must, automatically, be on the fast track to love — when that wasn’t even close to being the case. And oftentimes? They had to find that out the hard way.
That’s why I’m a firm believer that sex should be the icing on the cake of a relationship, so to speak. It shouldn’t be relied upon to make love transpire; instead, it should help you and someone who you know that you love to celebrate your feelings and commitment to one another. Make sense?
Okay, so with all of that said, why did I decide to give this article the title that it has? For one thing, what I just shared is my opinion; others feel differently. And two, even if you agree with where I am coming from, pretty much all of us have been programmed to see “having sex” as being less impacting than “making love.” And the latter point is why I decided to ask six married couples to share with me what they think the difference is between having sex and making love — now that they can look at both from a personal experience and “lesson learned” standpoint.
*Middle names are used so that people are able to speak freely and comfortably*
1. Adrian (42) and Melissa (38). Married 14 Years.
GiphyAdrian: “When I was out in these streets, they should’ve named one of them after me; that’s how active I was. And if you asked me to recall what half of those women looked like, I couldn’t draw you a picture. I’m not saying that to brag. I’m saying that to say that women need to not assume that just because a man slept with you that he wanted anything more than that one experience. Having sex gets projected to be more than that with a lot of men when that isn’t the case. When we get a nut, thank you…over and out. Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down. We want to make it last for as long as possible because we enjoy being close to them. If you’re paying close attention, you can tell when a man is making love to you — and when it’s just…sex.”
"Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down."
Melissa: “Unlike my husband here, I wasn’t ‘out here’ like that. I was never someone who wanted a ‘hoe phase,’ and one-night stands weren’t really my thing either. I did have some rebound sex situations, and that’s what I have to go on when it comes to having sex vs. making love. I think for us women, when we’re using someone to get over someone else, there’s no way that could be about love because the motive is selfish. Making love is about giving yourself to another and also wanting to please them as they do the same thing for you. You’re not looking for what you can get so much as what you can give. It’s literally about expressing love in a physical way. Having sex has nothing to do with any of this.”
2. Wesley (30) and Narielle (31). Married for Three Years.
GiphyWesley: “Why isn’t f — king in here too? That’s another category. Yeah, if someone is just f — king you, there’s very little foreplay or kissing, and they have already timed how long you should stay or they’re gonna be at your place. If they’re having sex with you, they will care enough to tell you what the situation is and will pass if you’re not on the same page because they at least value you enough to not want to hurt your feelings or give you any illusions. If they’re making love to you, they’ve told you where they stand, emotionally, before the sex. It doesn’t always mean that you’re in a serious relationship, but the two of you do share similar feelings and are on the same page about where you’d like things to go. When men make love, there’s intention involved. They’re also figuring out how to fit you into their life besides the four walls of their bedroom.”
Narielle: “I think that having sex is more about physical pleasure while making love is a holistic experience. Whenever I make love, things feel more intimate, more intense, and more…involved. I’m also not looking just for an orgasm, but when they happen, they are so much better than when they happen with sex only. It’s like love is in action in the most profound way possible. That’s why I think they call it ‘making love.'”
3. Xavier (41) and Charlotte (38). Married 11 Years.
GiphyXavier: “When you want to be as close as you can to someone because it’s where you feel safe, loved, and fully appreciated as the person you are, and you can trust that because that individual knows more about you than anyone else, that’s when you’re walking into ‘make love dimensions.’ I agree with you: sex doesn’t make love happen. It’s more like…the sex act makes it possible for you to share a closeness with someone that nothing else can. And when that closeness transpires with a person who you love with everything that you are, ‘make love’ is almost the only way to describe it. Now having sex? Animals do that. A sexual release doesn’t mean that anything life-changing or earth-shattering happened. If your genitals get stimulated, you’re gonna climax. Big deal.”
"When I'm horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm."
Charlotte: “Hmm. How do I put this? I guess the best way to separate having sex and making love to me is, when I’m horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’ve got my husband ‘on tap’ to do that with, but the orgasm is really all that I’m after. Making love, though? That’s when the orgasm is the icing on the cake because, more than anything, I just want him inside of me to feel how much I adore him and how much he adores me. If we cum, cool. If we don’t…I’m fine with that too.”
4. Jacob (27) and Ashlynn (27). Married for Two Years.
GiphyJacob: “I think that having sex is about what you can get out of sex, and making love is what you and your partner can get. What I mean is, back when I was just having sex, if the other person had a great time, that was fine, but it wasn’t my main goal. A lot of guys won’t tell you that getting your off is still about us and our ego when there’s not an emotional connection on some level. Making love? I’m not happy, pleased, or done until my partner is, and her being pleased brings me the most pleasure. Making love is a selfless act.”
Ashlynn: “Without going into too much detail, now that I’m married…I don’t think I’ve ever really made love until my husband. I had some really good sex but…when you’re fully committed to someone who is also fully committed to you, it shows up everywhere — including in the bedroom. It’s like…all of the love that I have for this man, I want him to feel it during the sex act, and that is A LOT. I also think that’s why our sex life only gets better over time. The more I love him, the more I wanna express it. Yes, even with sex.”
5. Richard (34) and Shayla (33). Married 7 Years.
GiphyRichard: “Mostly everyone who I’ve had sex with, I cared about on some level. I respected my body and time too much to lower that bar. Making love is something different. When men get to a point where they feel like they are ‘making love to you’ — they are totally vulnerable. They are bringing all of who they are into your energy and space. That’s why women have to be careful about how they treat men whenever a man initiates — he’s bringing his most fragile self to you when he actually loves you.”
"Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet... sometimes they don't."
Shayla: “I’m gonna be real with you: sometimes I ‘have sex’ with my husband, and sometimes we ‘make love.’ Yes, I love him all of the time, but I think the differences have a lot to do with the mindset you’re in while having sex with someone. Sometimes, I don’t want to be all emotional and cuddly. I want my back blown out! Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet…sometimes they don’t. I’m satisfied either way.”
6. Ransom (50) and Ostar (47). Married for 24 Years.
GiphyRansom: “Not to go too deep on you, but I think the biggest difference between having sex and making love is in the first words of both terms: have and make. Have means that there are different degrees of possessing something. Make means that there’s a particular method or approach that you’re using to achieve a certain end result. When you have sex with someone, there are degrees of investing that you are putting in to get what you want — and based on who you’re having sex with, that goal can vary. When you make love, you’re going to take the approach that will make you and your partner feel the most loved. There are no variations because, each and every time you make love, love what you’re looking to achieve.”
Ostar: “Damn babe. See why I love this man? In all of our years together, I’ve never heard him speak on this before. He’s gonna get some tonight: sex and love! My thoughts are that having sex is ‘scratching the surface’ of intimacy while making love is going into the deep end of it all. When you want all of who you are to mesh with all of who someone else is, then you’re getting into the ‘make love’ side of things. Also, pay close attention to how you feel once the experience is over. If you want to learn even more about them, get closer to their soul and commit even deeper as you feel all of that being reciprocated? There’s a good chance that some ‘love energy’ was exchanged because, when it’s just sex, you tend to want to retreat back into yourself rather than share even more with someone else. Making love is a spiritual journey. Having sex can be just…physical.”
____
There you have it: six married couples (and 12 different people) sharing their thoughts on what having sex and what making love is — to them. And now that you’ve taken in their perspectives, I’m curious…what are yours? Hop in the comments and share. Because no matter where your feelings fall on the issue, if there’s one thing that all of these insights proved, it’s that sex isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” kind of experience. And you know what? Making love isn’t…either.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
