Anyone who knows me has heard me say, shoot, at least a dozen (times two) times that I think one of the most underrated causes of divorce is the fact that too many people "act married" in their dating dynamics before ever jumping the broom. Another way to look at what I'm saying is, the way a lot of us act in before-I-do relationships, it actually teaches us how to divorce rather than how to remain in a marriage until death parts us from our spouse (more on this in a bit).
And you know what? I actually think that's a huge part of the reason why so many folks dismiss the sacredness of the marital union and instead, take on the attitude of, "I mean, if it doesn't work out, just end it and find someone else"…because that's what happens when we date. RIGHT?
While being in a serious non-marital relationship is nothing to be flippant about and it indeed holds a lot of value, for the sake of doing all that I can to prevent future walks down the aisle from turning into two individuals later standing before a judge, I wanted to take a time to shout the magnitude of marriage out. For those who are considering it. For those who are engaged. And for those who are married, so that we all can bring the beauty, purpose, and gravity of marriage—back.
1. Marriage Is a Contract
I'll never forget something that a husband of over a couple of decades once told me. He said, "One of the hardest things about being married is trying to see the relationship as sexy when your spouse is also your business partner." Listen, I was just recently talking to some men who tried to pull that "Why do I need to marry my girl? Marriage is just a piece of paper" line when they were talking to me about their girlfriends. I loathe that statement just about as much as that, "If you like it, I love it" thing that a lot of people say.
Umm, the title to your car isn't "just a piece of paper" and neither is the deed to your house—and you definitely would flip out if you didn't have those. A marriage license brings along with it some responsibilities that no one who is just dating or living together is expected, even by the government, to uphold. Plus, there are consequences if you don't uphold those responsibilities too.
That said, I will say that it is definitely well worth your time to do some research on how marriage licenses came to be. Long story short, we didn't even use them in America until the 1920s and it was actually to keep tabs on interracial couples (the more you know, right? You can read more about that here). That's why some people prefer to go with a marriage certificate rather than an actual license. That's another article for another time.
For now, though, since an overwhelming majority of people go the marriage license route, and a license, by definition, is "formal permission from a governmental or other constituted authority to do something" and "a certificate, tag, plate, etc., giving proof of such permission; official permit" and then since a contract is "an agreement enforceable by law", this definitely tops the differences between having an official spouse vs. dating someone on a serious level. Marriage comes with a contract. Signed contracts are nothing to take a casual attitude about.
2. Vows Are Heavy Promises. Very.
If you're someone who is a bible follower, it's worth checking out what Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11 and Malachi 2:13-17 has to say about God's views on divorce. And when it comes to vows specifically, Ecclesiastes 3:4-5(NKJV) is pretty sobering. It says, "When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—better not to vow than to vow and not pay." That said, how many times have you sat in a wedding service and heard the pastor or officiant say, "What God has joined together, let no man separate" (which is also in the Bible, by the way. It's a direct quote from Matthew 19:6)? This speaks to two people being joined, by God, in marriage. This means that the vows they are saying to each other, they are saying to him as well. This means that if they break said vows, it's not just to their partner. God is in the mix too. That's pretty heavy.
Yet even if you're not a bible-based person, vows are still a really big deal. It's literally "a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment". Some of y'all might remember India. Arie's song "Promises" from back in the day. The hook says, "A promise, is a promise in my eyes/Can't say you're gonna just to compromise/The very thing that keeps two hearts intertwined/A promise is a promise you can't deny, there's no way." Indeed.
A promise speaks to more than intent. It's a commitment. It speaks to one's character. One's maturity. One's focus on honoring their word, even when they may not want to or feel like it. A promise is all about integrity. That's why I like that a wise person once said, "People with good intentions make promises. People with good character keep them."
Speaking of character, when it comes to honoring one's marital vows, it's been reported that atheists are better at it than Christians are. When I once discussed this fact with a married atheist couple they simply said, "We don't need religion to keep our word." And won't that preach? So yeah, marriage is quite different from seriously dating in the sense that, while you should always do what you say you're gonna do, marriage vows take that up a few notches. Then add tax. Spiritually and as far as one's character goes.
3. Marriage Consists of Obligations That Dating Doesn’t
Yeah, while some of y'all might not sit well with the word "obligation", that doesn't make the reality any less true because when you're obligated to something, it means that it's "something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc." Did you see that "law" word again? There is definitely a sense of duty that comes with the custom of marriage. No doubt. There is the obligation to remain faithful. There is the obligation to make each other the top priority, no matter what. Husbands traditionally have an obligation to provide and protect. Wives traditionally have the obligation to be their husband's strong support system and partner. Spouses don't do this stuff just because they feel like it; it comes with being married.
If in your mind you're like, but I am seeing someone and I do these things too—I get that. However, you aren't obligated too. For instance, if the understanding in your relationship is that the two of you aren't going to see other people, that is a choice, not exactly an obligation because if your partner finds out, all they can really do is break up with you. A divorce is far more complicated than a break-up.
Then there are the rights that come with marriage. Married couples can file joint tax returns. If a divorce transpires, alimony typically comes into play. Spouses can inherit their spouse's property should they die. Should they pass on, they can also collect their spouse's Social Security, pension, worker's compensation, or disability benefits. This is because a marriage license basically obligates the government to uphold these kinds of things. A dating dynamic never has these kinds of things coming into play. Another thing that makes the two statuses worlds apart.
4. Spouses Can Legitimately Make Certain Requirements
I do strive to be a bible follower myself, so something that I take no issue with is submission (umm, because it is biblical. Ephesians 5, Titus 2, Colossians 3:18, I Peter 3:1-6). It's a part of the reason why I don't consider myself to be a feminist; I am a complementarian (also another discussion for another time). However, what I will say is I'm not an advocate of women submitting to someone that they date. For what?
Submission is a gift that is given in marriage to a man who is also pledging to be your provider and protector for the rest of your life. It's my personal opinion that no man deserves something that special without that level of commitment. Yet once that commitment is in place, there are requirements that both husbands and wives can make with one another. Another word for requirement would be boundaries.
A requirement is a request made that comes with a certain level of authority and yes, I think that applies in marriage. "Husband" and "wife" aren't just cute words; they are titles. When we see someone with a wedding band on, it signifies that there is someone in their life who comes before all others and with that understanding, they are things that they both can ask for that no other kind of relationship can. I'm not gonna get into what those things are because every marriage is different. What I will say is if you ask any husband or wife you know if there are obligations in the relationship, I'd be shocked if they said "no".
5. Marriage Necessitates Sacrifices That Dating Does Not
Unfortunately, something that I see far too often in some of the marriage sessions that I have are people who don't want to make sacrifices to make their relationship work. It's like the moment things get too difficult, they're out—again, like their spouse is a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than a husband or wife. I don't know one marriage that has lasted for longer than the traditional seven-year itch that hasn't made some major sacrifices. It could be professional, financial, ones that are related to in-laws or friends—the list goes on and on. Shoot, sometimes the sacrifice is wanting to end the marriage and yet deciding to stay in it for the sake of the kids (yet one more discussion for another time). Maybe it's wanting to live in one state or country and not being able to do it because the spouse isn't interested.
Let me tell it, one of the best things about being single is there aren't continual sacrifices that have to be made for the sake of another person (unless you are a single parent, of course). That's not saying that I don't respect the sacrifices that are made in marriage. After all, a sacrifice is "to surrender or give up, for the sake of something else". All I'm saying is, singleness provides the opportunity to be more selfish—in the solely focused on yourself sense—than marriage ever allows. And if you're not emotionally mature enough to see how sometimes giving up what you want for the greater good of someone else and the relationship that you're in with them is necessary, you are far better off not getting married. Until you do.
6. Sex Is a Priority, Not Just an Activity, in Marriage
Speaking of selfish, I know A LOT of sexually selfish married people. Yep, I said "selfish" and that's the word I'm sticking with because being selfish is all about being self-consumed—and that is something that you can't afford to be in marriage, including in the bedroom. As I once heard someone say on a television show (that escapes me at the moment), "When you get married, you exchange 'I' for 'we'" and that will preach a thousand sermons. And it's definitely one of the things that we have to keep in mind, should we choose to be sexually active prior to marriage.
Here's what I mean by that. Remember how I said that the way a lot of us date—meet someone, "fall" in love, give our all, break up, rinse and repeat…over and over again—teaches us how to divorce because it desensitizes us from what it means to see marriage in a totally different light? Sex can do that too, if we're not careful. We'll be out here, single, having sex solely for our pleasure (and sometimes if our partner wants to), without really thinking about the purpose beyond sex other than our own personal gain. Then, once we get married and realize, "Oh, sex should be a staple in the relationship", we will find ourselves struggling. It happens all of the time.
That's a huge part of the reason why I wrote articles for the site like "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "7 Spiritual Principles About Sex That Married Couples Should Never Forget", "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides" and "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex". It's to help drive home the point that if marriage kicks a relationship up some notches, sex in marriage most definitely does too.
Sex is to be a top priority in marriage. Sex is a responsibility in marriage. Sex is more than physical pleasure in marriage as well. It's an act that helps to solidify oneness between married people which makes it special and sacred in every way. This brings me to my final point.
7. If You Are Spiritual, There Is True Oneness in Marriage
Let's end this on a biblical and then spiritual (for the non-biblical people) note. When it comes to the Bible, there is only one relationship in the Good Book that defines it in the form of oneness—and marriage is it. The Bible clearly says it in Genesis 2:24-25(NKJV) when it states, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." The Bible doesn't see dating in this fashion (there actually isn't dating in there at all; just betrothing). The Bible doesn't see friendship like this (although Jonathan did love David "as his own soul" in I Samuel 18:3; it wasn't marital oneness). The Bible doesn't even say this about parents and children. Nope. Just husbands and wives. So yes, while the sexual experiences you have with someone you are dating can bring about a certain level of oneness (I Corinthians 6:16-20—Message), the holistic kind that God permits is only within the confines of marriage.
Oneness is dope too. Oneness speaks to sameness. Oneness speaks to a union. Oneness speaks to affinity. Oneness speaks to an agreement. Oneness speaks to uniqueness. Every couple, once they decide to get married, whether they realize it or not, signed up to strive to complement one another in the sense of getting on the same accord, being unified, having a profound affinity for one another, working in agreement and being unlike any other married couple who has made the same commitment to their own partner. This is a huge part of what the Bible speaks of when it refers to oneness and, even if you're not a "bible person", the words that I offered up for oneness are literal definitions. Marriage is about putting forth the effort, daily, to join one's lives together to create a kind of oneness that no other relationship could ever do.
I've loved men before. I once had a fiancé who I still grieve, 25 years later. Yet none of my experiences have been comparable to marriage. Still special. Still real. Still impactful. However, the more I work with married couples, study marriage, and come to understand what it is designed to do, it really is galaxies away from dating dynamics. The more we accept that, hopefully, the more we'll respect the marital union—and the more cautious you'll be, if you're single, about getting married someday. Amen? Amen.
Featured image via Shutterstock
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert