Let's face it, this generation could stand to learn a thing or two about real love, genuine commitment, and creating a solid foundation with someone.
While we're busy swiping right and left and engaging in this month's latest situationship, we rarely take the time to create authentic, lasting bonds with one another (Quite frankly that is rarely encouraged in our society anyway). Luckily for us, love expert, wedding planner, and author, Diann Valentine is here to help us maneuver through our chaos-filled dating lives and find the love we all desperately deserve. With her platform, she aims to show everyone still looking for genuine love that it is indeed still out there - you just have to be willing to do the work, and go the distance for it.
Whether you've seen her dropping knowledge on The Steve Harvey talk show, planning the weddings of Nas, Usher, or Toni Braxton (just to name a few of her famous clientele), or even hosting her new Bravo series To Rome For Love, love expert Diann Valentine is full of all the relationship gems you need to know.
From acknowledging the red flags early on in relationships, being realistic with your standards or how we view sex and dating, Valentine shows us a realistic approach in dating and finding love. But out of all the great love advice she shared, she continues to emphasize the importance of self-love and how the relationship with one's self, is still the most important.
"I believe that in order to find the love that we so desire, we have to make sure that we are doing the self-work on ourselves. Being the best version of ourselves is what is going to attract the love you want and need in your life"
Doing the work on yourself is the key to ultimately becoming the best version of yourself, which can lead to your lasting love.
In her new book Going The Distance For Love, Valentine breaks down 22 tips on how we should handle our own internal issues and be open to finding love wherever it may be, because it is in fact possible. Although it may not seem like it, in a world full of too many f*ckboys and too many commitment phobes, Valentine proves to us all that real love is still out there, we just have to be patient, be open and be willing to go the distance for it. Here's what else Valentine had to say.
What would you say to the women who have completely given up on love?
Never, ever, ever give up on love. It is the natural order of existence for human beings to be in relationship with one another. We were all conceived in love, and we all have an innate desire to love and be loved. It is the most beautiful gift you will ever receive, but it is important that you are ready to receive it when it shows up.
What should we be looking for in a potential life partner?
I think that checklists are important, but it is equally important to make sure that your checklist includes character requirements and not so much about someone's physicality. It should be easy to love someone who loves you and treats you well.
What are some red flags women should be aware of while dating?
(1) Men that do not keep their word and have too many broken agreements. (2) Previous spouses, girlfriends, and children's mothers that are still in his life but you cannot meet them. (3) If he has too many women that he refers to as his "little sister" but you have not met any of them. (4) If everyone knows that the man you are seeing is a hoe. In most cases, you cannot rehab a hoe into a husband.
"In most cases, you cannot rehab a hoe into a husband."
How can women "do better" when it comes to finding and maintaining healthy relationships?
The best way to find and keep love is to make sure you are constantly working to be your best self. When you are a woman that is confident and full of self-love, has found balance between career and a personal life, and has learned how to LIVE this life, she is naturally going to attract those qualities back into her life. Bad relationships are often a mirror reflection of our own shortcomings.
What should women focus on during their single years?
(1) Confronting past hurt and pain so that they can leave their baggage in the past where it belongs. Oh, and we all have baggage, just various versions of it. (2) Learning to love yourself and knowing that you cannot make anyone else happy if you are unhappy with who you are so if you don't like something change it. (3) Setting and reaching career and personal goals. An established woman is not looking for someone to take care of her. Rather, she is looking for someone to complement her life.
"An established woman is not looking for someone to take care of her. Rather, she is looking for someone to complement her life."
Is love really worth fighting for or should it come easy if it's real love?
This is a great question and I am asked this all the time. I do not believe that love is hard and requires that we fight for it. I once believed this until I started studying healthy, loving relationships and found my own. Love is supposed to be easy [because] when you have been waiting for something all of your life and it shows up, why should you have to fight for it? We only fight when there is an imbalance in the mutual desire for love. My husband is everything I dreamed my husband would be and more, and I love him more and more as each day passes. He is my best friend and loving him is the easiest thing in my life.
What's your advice for divorced women hoping to find love again?
(1) Heal your past hurt and pain and often guilt from your divorce. (2) Get back out in the dating scene as quickly as you can. Things may have changed a bit since you last dated but it's just like riding a bike and it will all come back to you. You might be older but so are the men that you will be dating. (3) Do not hold every new man you meet responsible for the damage that was caused my your ex-husband.
How should single mothers approach the dating scene?
Carefully. I do think that younger children adjust faster to new people in their lives but cautiously introduce them to a new love interest. Establish boundaries that will protect your child and make sure that anyone that you are dating is clear about those boundaries upfront. Do not expect any new man to be an instant stepfather to your child.
Do you believe in soulmates?
Yes. Absolutely. I also believe that you might have more than one. There is a time and a season for everything in this life and God may send you someone different for a new season in your life. Now, I am not saying that we all have a dozen soulmates, but it may be possible that some of us have more than one.
"There is a time and a season for everything in this life and God may send you someone different for a new season in your life."
How should women heal and eventually love again after heartache?
Confront your issues head on. Stop being in denial that you even have any issues in the first place. Seek counseling. Move on...
How do you know when you've found your life partner?
Also a great question. I am not a big fan of judging by your feelings because your heart can deceive you. I think it is important to know what are the qualities you were looking for in a life partner so that when you meet someone, you will not judge the fate of your future with them based on how much he makes your liver quiver.
For more advice on love, check out Diann's book Going The Distance For Love. And be sure to give her a follow on Instagram.
If you have any questions that you'd like to have Diann answer, email them to submissions@xonecole.com. Your question could be answered in an upcoming #AskDV feature and answered by the love expert herself!
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- Diann Valentine (@diannvalentine) | Twitter ›
- To Rome for Love's Diann Valentine on Why Italian Men Love Black ... ›
- Diann Valentine | To Rome for Love ›
- Diann Valentine (@diannvalentine) • Instagram photos and videos ›
- Diann Valentine | Media, Weddings and Experiential Design ›
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Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
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LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
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VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
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Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
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CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
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AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole