Devale & Khadeen Ellis: "Why Is It Considered Negative To Serve Your Spouse?"
Devale and Khadeen Ellis are all about getting marriage right for themselves. The two have been married for 10 years, but friends for almost 20. So to say they know a bit about making marriage work for them, is quite an understatement.
They aren't here for societal norms, or whatever you read in the books, they just want to live within their own realm of happiness, their way. And they just so happen to be open to sharing their journey with all of us. From uploading the cutest family moments on social media, to taking the time to have those tough, vulnerable conversations, they don't shy away from anything.
And the latest episode of their Dead Ass Podcast was no different as the two touch on what it means to be married, today. Titled "Put Bae On A Platter", the happily married couple got on the subject of catering to each other and why in today's society, this is considered a bad thing. Devale says:
"If you go into a marriage, and you're complete, right? And now that I'm a complete person, I know what I can give. So I can serve my wife. But here's the issue with serving your wife: most dudes that go in and say 'I'mma serve my wife,' people call them a simp. Most women, who talk about 'serving my husband,' people say they're submissive. And both of those words have a negative connotation."
Khadeen agrees, and he continues:
"Simp and submissive. And in this generation everyone wants to be a boss or a bad b*tch or an alpha male so in order for me to be an alpha male, I can't serve my wife. You know what I'm saying?"
Khadeen goes on to say that they have both been referred to as such for serving each other, "I've been called submissive by our circle, and you get called a simp all the time." Sidebar, for anyone not familiar, a "simp" (short for "simple") is internet slang for a person (often male) who performs excessive sympathy and attention toward another person. He finishes:
"Put bae on a platter. Just imagine what two people could accomplish in a marriage if both parties dedicated their lives to serving one another."
Which...in this generation...is a bad thing, right? I guess it depends on who you ask.
The conversation of serving your partner, stemmed from a previous episode, where they discussed what it means to be an "alpha male".
"I have always felt that my job as a husband is to create a space of unlimited possibilities for my wife. People love to throw around the word 'Simp' for a man who caters to the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with. But imagine how powerful and secure you have to be in order to create a life of full autonomy for the woman you love. Now image how small and insecure one must truly be, to take that all away from her--in an attempt to feel like an 'alpha'."
"There's this whole idea that if you're an alpha male, you control your wife. But what I've just realized that being an alpha male, doesn't mean that you control your wife or the person you're with. Being an alpha male means you control everything that exists around her, so that she can have control over what she wants to do. You can't be an alpha male if you are controlling. If you have insecurities, you can't be an alpha male. You're just controlling."
The episode ends with a final message: "Do not be afraid of being of service."
Watch the clip below:
Whew.
Ladies, let's talk about it. Do you think partners should serve each other?
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Featured image via Devale Ellis/Instagram
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Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
'Tis The Season For Nail Glam: Holiday Manis For Every Festive Mood
The holidays are an exciting time to enjoy our family and decorate our hearts out. Our Christmas tree, dining table, and style all begin to reflect the joy we feel in the season, but what about our nails? Our nails are the star of the show this time of year. They are the part of ourselves people will see when we pass around presents and Christmas dinner.
Gifting ourselves the self-care we always deserve is a no-brainer, but sometimes we can become overwhelmed with choices.
There are many different nail designs and shapes to choose from, so it can be hard to settle on one. Kia Stewart is a talented celebrity nail artist. Her love for prioritizing nail health and design has gained her an immense amount of respect in the industry. Stewart is always mindful of paying attention to her audience for trends, which has helped her stay ahead of the game. “Recently, full chrome has made a significant comeback, and the classic French manicure remains timeless. 3D nails are trending on TikTok daily, though cat-eye and airbrush styles seem to have taken a backseat this year,” says Stewart.
As far as shapes, Stewart has noticed a huge trend in almond shapes. She believes this is due to the shape being timeless and truly chic. This includes sizes of all kinds. Tis the season to indulge in short and long almond-shaped nails. “Longer styles reminiscent of the ‘90s, complete with deep French tips and vibrant reds. I enjoy the diversity in preferences, as it keeps my work interesting. But the most common trend is self-expression, everyone is wearing nails that speak to them. I champion that it’s a mood.” Keep reading to see Stewart’s work for nail inspiration this holiday season.
Almond Bliss
Want your nails to reflect the gifts under the Christmas tree this year? Try this simple, yet totally festive nail design. Stewart uses the colors red and green to create a minimal nail design that gets its point across. This style can be approached with your natural nails or acrylic if you’re looking to add length.
French Manicure
As Stewart mentioned, a French manicure will never go out of style. However, if you’re looking to spice things up, we recommend playing with color. Incorporating a deep red French tip can be just as chic as traditional white. You can even add a present design (as seen here) if you want your French to be bold. The beauty of this is that you have the freedom to express yourself as you wish.
Deep Red
If Beyoncé is doing deep red, then we should definitely do it too! This deep red seems to be the color of the fall and winter seasons. Keep things elevated with a classic deep red on your hands, or mix it up! You can pair this deep red with white, like in this photo. Having deep red as your base will keep things interesting without having to try as hard.
Chrome
These nails are perfect New Year's Eve inspo for the season. The gold and black are giving us more reason to celebrate this year despite its difficulties. Get into the season with effortless chrome nails and a cool design to match. Watch out, 2025; we are coming for you!
Vibrant Red
The best part about the holiday season is that we can embrace the colors and put our nudes to rest. This vibrant red with gold chrome undertone is a fun way to enter into the happiest time of the year. Leave the red as it is, or add white stripes to create a candy cane look. Either way, you cannot go wrong with this traditional holiday color.
Don’t Be So Green
It’s time green enters the chat this holiday season. Adding a shape of deep green to your nail aesthetic can be a different approach to typical holiday designs. We also love the hint of gold and glitter in this design to add texture and contrast. Step into your green era and go outside the traditional holiday box.
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Featured image by @tylauren, courtesy of Kia Stewart @__luxk