For The Women Searching For Happiness Everywhere But Where They Currently Are
I used to think in order for my writing career to go anywhere, I had to literally go somewhere and get out of Philly.
There was no way I had a shot at being the next Iyanla Vanzant or the black Mindy Kaling if I was located anywhere outside of New York City. While it's true that changing your area code can give you better access to certain opportunities, there's no substitute for hustle, ambition, and a healthy dose of talent, especially when it comes to writing in a Wi-fi/Wordpress kind of world. For some of us, success is as simple as of change of address, but far too often many of us use “chasing our dreams" as a way to run away from our real problems.
Chances are we all know (or have been someone) who's packed up and moved to Los Angeles, New York City, or, the latest fave, Atlanta with the belief that relocation was the key to making their dreams come true. What about that person who is constantly quitting a job, moving to a new apartment, getting engaged, or even having children believing that the next big life change is the key to their happiness?
If any of this sounds familiar, then you may be affected by destination addiction (and it has nothing to do with frequent flyer miles). The term, coined by psychologist Dr. Robert Holden, creator of The Happiness Project, refers to the idea that success or happiness is a destination that we are traveling to which is unfortunately limiting many of us from enjoying the ride.
We find ourselves in a continued pursuit of happiness without allowing ourselves to enjoy the space we're presently in.
According to Dr. Holden, that pursuit is making many of us unnecessarily unhappy:
“We suffer, literally, from the pursuit of happiness. We are always on the run, on the move, and on the go. Our goal is not to enjoy the day, it is to get through the day."
I began to notice fleeting episodes of destination addiction among my friends and I the closer we all got to our 30's. It was as if there was this life checklist that we were frantically trying to complete that included college degree, professional career, home ownership, committed relationship and 2.5 kids all by the age of 35. I don't know why, but there's something about the big 3-0 that makes some people feel like they're captain of the Carnival Broken Dreams cruise ship if they are still living at home with parents and miles away from achieving the American dream.
The biggest problem with destination addiction is that it robs you of the opportunity to learn more about yourself in the moment and focuses on everything outside of your control. Some of us suffer from destination addiction because we truly believe happiness is always coming with the next big change. Others avoid spending too much time focused on the present because it forces them to deal with the real problem.
To be blunt: You have to step back every now and then and be honest about the part you play in your own unhappiness. Moving to a new home is not going to give you a fresh start if you allow your f**kboy of an ex-boyfriend to lay up under you whenever you're lonely. If you can't ever seem to get along with your co-workers, maybe the issue is your work ethic and not who you work for. And lastly, if you have no hustle in little No Name Town, USA, odds are moving to New York City won't suddenly make you get on your grind.
Destination addiction is deceptive because it makes you believe that happiness is something you have to seek rather than create.
There's nothing wrong with having goals, creating vision boards and generally wanting more for your life. I personally believe that life is about progress and every day I work on being a better person than I was the day before. The problem comes when your definition of better is solely based on your next move, material things and what looks good on paper. I can't tell you how many people I've met who can't wait to tell you about their Master's degrees or six-figure salaries, but can't even hold a decent conversation about current events because they spend their time scrolling through headlines without actually reading the articles. On the other hand, I've come across very humble people who are content with having 307 subscribers to their YouTube yoga channel and can talk about everything from Iran's nuclear program negotiations to Beyoncé's latest black power moves.
The one thing everyone who seemed genuinely happy and successful had in common: They enjoyed their lives because they were authentic to who they were and what they wanted specifically from life. Not what Instagram, their peers, or the American Dream told them they should. They were also focused on the quality of their life, not the quantity of experiences and making the most of the moment they were in, instead of rushing from one achievement to the next.
All of this Oprah Super Soul Sunday talk sounds good, but I can't tell you how much of an effort it takes to be at peace with the space I'm in lately, especially after being laid off about a month ago. As many quotes as I "pin" to my Inspiration Pinterest board, all it takes is one minute in my Instagram feed to make me instantly question my definition of "winning". The funny thing is, I first found the above "destination addiction" quote on Angela Simmons' Instagram page. It was sandwiched in between an #OOTD that I'm sure cost more than a week's salary for most people and selfies of her in a bikini on some exotic beach and I thought to myself, Hey Angela. I see you're jet-setting yet again. I'm just going to sit here and figure out how many more days I have until my student loan payment is officially delinquent.
The fact is, social media and an era of excess make a major contribution to this epidemic of destination addiction.
Scrolling through our Instagram and Facebook feeds are making many of us believe the good life is one waist trainer, designer handbag, or international vacation away.
I always think its funny when people say things like, “(Insert celeb name here) must not have any problems as much money as they make." How many Kanye West emotional outbursts do we have to witness before we realize that fame and money aren't the keys to happiness? It's an everyday to struggle to experience this moment in my life for what it is, and perhaps it's not about the next career move right now. Maybe it's time to enjoy my family, to balance myself and attach happiness to nothing more than my state of mind.
None of us are immune to destination addiction and we all have times where we have to convince ourselves that better times are ahead just to make it through the day. But the key to defeating destination addiction is to find happiness with the life you have and to achieve the goals that are important to YOU, not the ones you think will impress everyone else.
Going back to school to get that Master's degree? Get it because you want to be better educated, not because you want to impress your in-laws. Wait to marry someone you can't imagine living without, not because you're tired of your girlfriends giving you the side-eye because the longest relationship you've been in is with the Supernatural series. Most importantly, put that phone down and actually experience your trip to the Cook Islands instead of snapchatting the whole damn thing or planning the next impressive trip you'll take before you even board the plane.
You shouldn't need a passport in you pursuit of happiness. Learn to look forward to the future while finding peace with your present and attach the meaning of your life to the moments and not the milestones.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 7 Key Ways To Live A Happier Life - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Stop Chasing What's Next, Enjoy Stillness Happiness - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What is Destination Addiction? | Robert Holden, Ph.D. ›
- Do You Have Destination Addiction? | HuffPost ›
- Destination Addict - Travel Junkies | Bloggers | Exploration Inspirers ›
- The Search For Happiness | Psychology Today ›
- Destination Addiction | Signs You May be at Risk for Addiction ›
- Beware of “Destination Addiction” - Connie Mann ›
- Do You Suffer from Destination Addiction? - FrugalDad.com ›
- Pearl Within, Is there a cure for destination addiction? ›
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Your Guide To Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You Based On Astrology
Letting go is a gift we are given and a strength that we find throughout our lives. There are times when we want to grab ahold of what we are experiencing and sensing, and times when we need to let go of something that was once everything to us or what we wanted for ourselves. The moment you conclude that you need to let something go in your life is the moment that your brain fights to make that happen for you.
In Astrology, there is an area of your birth chart that is designed for you to understand where you will be letting go a lot in this lifetime, and exactly how to do so. We dive through the birth chart as we seek a deeper understanding of ourselves and let go of what no longer serves us, and there are tools available to help us do so. If you don't know where your South Node is in your birth chart, you can use a free calculator like this one here.
What Does Your South Node Represent in Astrology?
When it comes to what we are destined to let go of or move away from in this lifetime, we look to the South Node. The South Node is the area of your birth chart that has to do with your past lives, karma, lessons, old habits and traits, gifts, and energy you are moving away from in this lifetime.
Your South Node is opposite your North Node, which is your destiny and the energy you want to move towards.
We can learn a lot from our South Node and it’s an area of our life where we tend to gain the most wisdom. By understanding why some patterns in your life tend to play out in the same ways, you can be more conscious of the choices you make in the now and let go of who and what doesn’t serve you in the process.
South Node Insights: Letting Go
The South Node is our natural gifts and talents, but also where we don’t need to focus so much of our energy on, taking us away from where we need to be developing, which is the North Node. So when you are looking to let go of something, gain a new perspective, or feel more trusting in what you are doing right now, you can examine your South Node.
We learn from our South Node by not making the same mistakes over again, letting go of what needs to be let go of, and understanding what we need in order to create space for our new beginning.
Read below for your South Node on how to let go of what no longer serves you.
Aries South Node: Letting Go of Independence for Connection
You are used to being independent and figuring things out on your own. In this lifetime, however, you are being asked to lean on others for support when you need it. You are working on letting go of the ego and focusing more on the heart. By extending your compassion for others, you discover a part of yourself that leads you toward empowerment and allows you to let go of a false sense of safety.
You are meant to experience harmonious, fortunate, and compatible love in this lifetime, and you will do so by opening your heart to others and letting go of people who don’t support you or whom you can’t count on.
Taurus South Node: Releasing Overdependence and Superficiality
With your South Node in Taurus, you are letting go of the need to acquire by focusing on the depth and intention of what you are obtaining. Your relationships tend to have a lot to do with your financial world, and these things can get twisted and distorted if you are not being careful.
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of what doesn’t serve you by following your heart and your intuition more and focusing more on the feeling you want for yourself rather than the things themselves. You are also working on letting go of overdependence or superficiality in relationships, by connecting with the people whom you have a deep and spiritual bond with.
Gemini South Node: Finding Freedom in Authenticity
For you, letting go means following your freedom. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime, and the less you can focus on how you are going to be perceived, the more you can live the life of your dreams. With a South Node in Gemini, you are moving away from the commotion of life. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is traveling, getting out of your comfort zone, and being in new environments.
In past lives, you may have given too much of your focus on your social successes and business pursuits, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on the bigger picture. What helps you let go is understanding that once you do, better is available to you.
Cancer South Node: Trusting Yourself Beyond Emotional Impulses
With a South Node in Cancer, you are learning to trust yourself and your logic more than your emotional world in this lifetime. By letting go of feeling like you have to be the one to nurture and support everyone and allowing people to do that for you, you lead your destiny.
With your South Node in Cancer, you are letting go of emotional impulsiveness or making decisions irrationally before you have thought about them.
In past lives, you were led by your emotional world, and in this lifetime, you are meant to think more about your long-term goals and intentions. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is knowing that you are more than what you can give to others.
Leo South Node: Prioritizing Community Over Recognition
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of the need to be seen and recognized and focus more on your need for community and soul companionship. You are moving away from the “I” and moving closer to the “We.” What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is giving your focus to humanity, the progress you want to make in this lifetime, and who you want to make it with.
You are learning how to work with others and let go of the need to figure everything out yourself. The more you connect with the people who make you want to team up and form a relationship, rather than the people who make you want to be alone, the better for you.
Virgo South Node: Embracing Compassion Over Perfection
In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to do everything yourself and to have everything all together. You can let go of what no longer serves you by thinking more with your heart than you do with your mind and by trusting this gift of yours. By focusing more on your spirituality, emotional connections, and creativity, you let go of a timid side of you that can disrupt your relationships or the bonds you make.
In past lifetimes, you were focused on perfection. In this lifetime, you are meant to focus on compassion. By surrendering more to the flow of things, you can let go of what no longer serves you while remaining open for what does.
Libra South Node: Rediscovering Your Independence
With your South Node in Libra, you are meant to experience the gifts of independence, freedom, and inner clarity in this lifetime. In the past, you may have been more dependent on the people around you and made a lot of your focus on love. However, in this lifetime, you are being reminded to not lose your identity in others. You can let go of what no longer serves you by only moving towards the things that feel authentic to you.
You are meant to feel confident, inspired, and free in your relationships, and if you don’t feel this way, then that is a sign you are around energy that doesn’t serve you. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime.
Scorpio South Node: Letting Go of Struggles and Embracing Ease
With your South Node in Scorpio, you have lived many lives and have experienced a lot emotionally. In this lifetime, you are learning how to trust the process more and to understand that not everything has to be difficult or trying for you. You can experience great things with ease, and you’ll know you are in the right place when things are just falling into your lap.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is focusing more on the things and people who make you feel safe, stable, and comfortable. Instead of always seeking the rush or the thrill, bring your attention more towards the things that ground you.
Sagittarius South Node: Building Connection Through Learning
Your South Node in Sagittarius urges you towards connection with your community and your immediate environment. In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to be everywhere at once, rather than with the people who matter most to you. You are moving away from knowing everything and into learning everything.
By looking at life as a place where you will learn, grow, and connect, you can let go of the things that stretch you too thin or don’t serve your heart.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is expressing yourself more, meeting new people, and spending time on a cause or creative project that inspires you.
Capricorn South Node: Choosing Home and Foundations Over Status
In this lifetime, you are meant to put more value and effort into your personal life, home, family, and foundations in life. In past lifetimes, a lot of your focus was on your reputation, achievements, and successes, and in this lifetime, you are meant to bring your energy more to the home base, family, and stability in life.
You will know if something is right for you if you want it because it makes you feel safe and nurtured, rather than just something that looks pleasing to the eye. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is by focusing more on your personal life rather than your public, and what you truly see for yourself here.
Aquarius South Node: Shining in Your Individuality
With an Aquarius South Node, you are meant to shine, be seen, and express yourself in this lifetime. You are letting go of the lone wolf energy you are used to, and working on taking up space. You are able to let go of what no longer serves you by being confident in yourself and the decisions you are making.
If someone doesn’t make you feel like the best thing in the entire world, then they aren’t right for you. In past lifetimes, you gave a lot of your energy to your community and the people around you, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on yourself and your path more. It’s all about doing what makes you feel good and trusting that you deserve to.
Pisces South Node: Honoring Logic While Embracing Intuition
Your lesson in this lifetime is that your mind is your gift. In past lives, you were very intuitive, psychic, and spiritual, and in this lifetime, you are learning to trust and honor the logical part of yourself more. You may tend to put your all into your relationships and not get the same energy back, and you are working on taking care of yourself first before you can give to another.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is trusting your body and the signals it gives you when you are around certain people or energy that doesn’t serve. Get organized, figure out your needs, boundaries, and wants, and get clear on who you are and what you want for yourself.
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