My name is Sheriden and I am a recovering serial monogamist.
The dictionary defines serial monogamy as “the practice of engaging in a succession of monogamous sexual relationships." Personally, I defined serial monogamy as not being able to recall the last time I spent more than a year being single, becoming fatigued by dating multiple people, finding myself instantly committed, partaking in my fair share of “right now" relationships, and staying in them long past their expiration dates. But there was one problem.
Dating multiple people exhausted me.
As a serial monogamist, it was hard for me to wrap my head around dating more than one guy at a time. I was used to meeting guys and working really hard to dead the relationships that were just filler so that my focus was truly on one man and only one man at a time. But after some trial and error, I realized that that was a rhythm I no longer wanted to dance to in my romantic pursuits. In my mid-twenties, I wanted to do things differently than I had in my late teens and early twenties.
Since then, I've learned that in my former life, I was approaching dating all wrong. I was giving my exclusivity away too quickly (to men that only kinda sorta deserved it – let's be real), and that should be earned. So, how did a recovering serial monogamist say goodbye to her old ways in favor of new more favorable habits? Well, she said hello to creating and maintaining a roster.
A dating roster to be exact.
And while your dating roster doesn't need to reflect as many bodies as a sports team, it does need to come equipped with a few players that reflect a lineup of potential baes vying for the role of leading man in your life. They need to work, they need to audition, and they need to be consistent with those efforts – otherwise, they can take the bench – or get traded for a better player.
If you need some direction for the kind of guys that make up an ideal team to help your romantic life flourish, here are four guys that deserve a spot on your roster.
The Guy Who Wants to Pick Your Brain
He is the guy who challenges your way of thinking and isn't afraid to exchange ideas or motivate you to pursue a passion you didn't think possible. He has his shit together and prioritizes the mental connection above all else and whenever you're with him, he makes sure to make love to mind over matter.
I love the guy who can pick my brain and arouse my mental. You're able to take my time and enjoy the conversations that last for hours about his plans to dominate the world with his different business ventures and ultimately live a life that inspires him as much as the dollar signs. Likewise, the debates your different perspectives spur on politics, Black culture, and male and female dynamics over glasses of red wine prove to be the only stimulation you need.
Get you a bae who is socially and culturally aware of the world around him and put each other on in the process.
The Guy Who Can Meet You on a Creative Tip
He is the guy who knows where to indulge in the best local live shows and the guy who doesn't mind accompanying you as your plus-one to art exhibit openings because he had his eye on the Eventbrite ticket too. He likes mid-afternoon trips to the museum on Sundays, listening to Solange on vinyl, and has an appreciation for all things artistic – especially taking pictures of graffiti and murals around the city. He's all about opening your eyes to the beauty of things.
I love a guy who can match me in my for-pleasure reading and that he has an affinity for poetry, admiring the way they are strung together and the cadence they create. As a creative, he will appreciate what your creative side brings to the design of things and encourage you to pursue your art and hone your talents, without having the slightest idea how erotic an act it is that he cares to understand you so intimately.
Get you a bae that does something for your spirit by meeting you on your wavelength in such a way.
The Guy Who Is Mr. Nice Guy
He is the guy who follows up and shows up emotionally and with his presence. He makes sure to hit you with that “good morning" text every morning, and if not, is quick to send you a “good afternoon" text to make up for it. He asks you how you are and is consistent about being the man that is the bright spot of your day and does so again, and again, and again.
If you squint too hard, the nice guy could place himself squarely and firmly in the friend zone without either of you even looking, but he should be cherished. Everything about how you want to be treated comes second nature to him so there's no need to talk about it or ask for more. I love this guy because he never fails at feeling like home. The security you feel is unmatched. He shows up, he gives you chaste kisses every time you meet and before you part ways, he takes you out to that spot you mentioned weeks prior, and brings you flowers just because.
Get you a bae that reaffirms the reality that you are never too much for the right one.
The Guy Who is Strictly Physical
He is the guy who dips his head in the valley between your thighs and works his magic with his tongue until your gentle river has become a waterfall before looking back up at you and saying, “I'm still hungry baby, can I have some more?"
As with all of my suggestions, this guy is optional – but depending on where you are in your sexual journey – you may or may not decide to keep him on the line. However, a strictly physical guy comes in handy with compartmentalizing. If he's the guy that you're rubbing against while taking the time to get to know the guys you're serious about, chances are, you don't see any real potential here – friendship or otherwise – so it becomes a safe space to be sexually expressive while you navigate your other relationships and take your time figuring out what you want without being confused by sex too soon with guys you see more of a future with.
Get you a bae that helps you unlock your wanton side and leaves you always panting for more.
And The Woman that Deserves to Have it All
This is for you.
The important thing to remember when dating is that people eliminate themselves.
If one guy acts up, flag on the play, and he can ride the bench for a minute or the whole season. You don't have to feel like you need to make a list and check it twice to make sure that the guy you're with is checking off boxes. That's the power of having options and a dating roster provides that.
The purpose of dating is to maintain relationships with people you feel compatible with long-term. That can only be achieved through trial and error. No one you encounter should be viewed instantly as “the one," but hopefully with time, you will have a better understanding of what your one looks like. You are the creator of the romantic life you want to lead so take charge of the souls that you allow to occupy your space and make cuts accordingly.
Always remember that your exclusivity should be earned. That is how you win at dating and this is how you create a high-quality love life.
Who has earned a spot on your dating roster? Let me know in the comments down below.
RELATED
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Have mercy. Now, I will give each of you a moment to read that over again because, I think that if you didn’t catch what she was conveying the first time, you will on the second go-around. Clearly, her husband could stand to take it up a few notches in the foreplay department (and/or she needed to get her hormone levels checked — I presented both options) because she wasn’t receiving enough arousal fluid during sex, although she did produce what seemed to be enough vaginal discharge and lubrication the rest of the time — and no, those aren’t the same things. What’s wild is a lot of people don’t know that.
Yep, believe it or not, although your vagina is a warm and wet place, what can cause it to have the moisture that it does is a variety of things. Today, let’s dive into what those are so that you can know what to pay close attention to, should there ever happen to be a…shift in hydration.
What Is Vaginal Discharge?
Getty Images
If your mom or grandma ever told you that you don’t need to douche because your vagina is “self-cleaning,” what she was basically saying is you don’t need help to remove the old cells and unnecessary bacteria that’s down there because that’s what your vaginal discharge is naturally created to do. If you’re curious about where vaginal discharge originates from, it’s actually not just one spot; fluids that come from your uterus, cervix, and vagina all help to make up vaginal discharge which, when healthy, can range from being clear to being off-white in color.
When it comes to how much vaginal discharge you should be experiencing on a daily basis, a lot of what speaks to the time of the month that you are in (as it relates to your cycle). For instance, if you are ovulating or pregnant, it’s natural to see an uptick in how much discharge your body produces.
However, the times when you should have some sort of cause for concern is if your discharge is a different color (like yellow, gray, green, or brown) and/or the texture is different (like if it’s thick like cottage cheese) and/or it smells strong or fishy and/or you have some itchiness, irritation or burning as far as your discharge goes.
If any of these are the case, you are probably dealing with an increased level of discharge because your body is trying to fight off some type of infection. What that means is you should make an appointment with your doctor, so that they can give you a proper diagnosis. As far as how much discharge is considered to be “normal,” although that somewhat varies per individual, on average, you shouldn’t expect more than one-half to one full teaspoon of vaginal discharge on a daily basis.
What Is Arousal Fluid?
Getty Images
Okay, so here’s the thing about your vagina being wet — even if you aren’t sexually aroused, it will have moisture in it. That is by design because your vaginal walls and cervix create a fluid that helps to keep that part of your body lubricated so that you can remain comfortable and your vagina doesn’t experience any tearing or injury. Keeping that in mind, when you do become sexually stimulated and blood flow increases to your genital region, something that transpires is your vagina walls will produce a particular type of wetness (via your Skene’s glands) — and that is oftentimes referred to as arousal fluid.
Something that’s worth noting about arousal fluid is it typically only shows up when you’re aroused and, as far as its texture goes, it’s usually clear, slippery, and kind of mucus-like. It should also go on record that the more “into the moment” you are, the more arousal fluid your body will probably produce. This is a good thing because it helps to make sex more pleasurable by reducing the amount of friction that you could potentially feel during intercourse.
While we’re on the topic of this one, you might be wondering if, when it comes to squirting, what women are releasing is an abundance of arousal fluid. Eh. Although this is probably going to be a debate until each and every cow comes home, what many science experts say is while there is some vaginal lubrication and arousal fluid that are present during squirting, an involuntary release of urine is transpiring too (check it out here, here and here). Do with that what you will, chile.
What Is Cervical Mucus?
Getty Images
It was around this time last year that I penned a piece for the platform entitled, “Ladies, This Is How To Keep Your Cervix Super Healthy.” I thought it was a topic that should be addressed because, although the cervix doesn’t typically get discussed a lot (definitely not as much as the vagina does), that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve its props. As the part of the body that is the base of your uterus, your cervix is what your menstrual blood flows out of, it’s the “exit sign” that babies follow when you’re giving birth — and it creates a type of mucus that makes it easier for you to get pregnant.
As far as your cervical mucus goes, it is a fluid that your cervix produces that does two main things. The first is to, yes, make it easier for sperm to travel in order to impregnate you during your time of ovulation. The rest of the month, though, cervical mucus serves as a protective barrier, so that unnecessary fluids do not enter into your cervix.
That said, something that’s important to keep in mind about cervical mucus is its texture changes throughout the month. For instance, right after your cycle ends, it might be a bit sticky; around day seven, it might become like thinned-out yogurt; as you’re ovulating, it will be stretchy and slippery (sort of like egg whites), and then, as your cycle approaches, your cervical mucus will probably be dry.
Aside from your cycle, other things that can shift the texture of your cervical mucus include certain medications, vaginal infections, stress, birth control, and breastfeeding. And how can you know that something is a bit “off” when it comes to your cervical mucus? It shouldn’t have an odor, or a dark color and it shouldn’t be itchy or irritating. If it is any of this, see your physician.
____
This is one of those articles that I really wish that high school-level science class did a better job at breaking down because, the more that we know about our vaginas, the better we can be at taking care of them.
As for the wife who I mentioned in the intro — oh, we got that spit thing worked out. Chile, there are way too many fluids going on down there — CLEARLY — to have to rely on that. Just sayin’.
Anyway, the more you know. The more that you freakin’ know.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by undefined undefined/Getty Images