Sometimes, I will sit down to pen a piece and the Universe will be on some, "Yeah…let's wait a couple of days. I've got something to show you." Such was the case with this article. When I saw a particular tweet that seemingly came out of nowhere, I was like…how do y'all say it—"That's it. That's the tweet." And indeed, it is.
The tweet itself is probably something that A LOT of women can relate to. But the reason why I'm using it as the intro for this is 1) it serves as a warning to go with your gut on stuff like this (if it took 10 years, you probably didn't really want him) and 2) because of so many of the messages that were underneath. Here are five of 'em.
Aunty once it's past a year of curving then it become all about revenge now
— DUKE DARLS (@Iam_DukeDarls) December 8, 2019
U became a conquest after ONE year
— Dodo El Patron (@Chief_Torbah) December 8, 2019
You turned to a bucket list after year 2 😂
— King Jaja(Izuchukwu...Kendrick😍)💸💰🚬⚽🇳🇬🇺🇸 (@Naija_Hokage) December 8, 2019
Let me tell u something, when d love wait too long it become a revenge mission that must be achieved.
— Oscar (@Oscar29784957) December 8, 2019
In the last days, the heart of men will grow cold 😂
— first of his name (@emreyys) December 8, 2019
Hmph two times. Actually, five times. Nobody said that dating was easy; that's why I thought it would be important to encourage you to make some dating-related promises that can help you to navigate through dating's sometimes treacherous waters. The first one that you should declare? That you will value your guy friends and seek advice from them more often in the new year. Because while so many women are out here guessing how a man's mind works, a lot of men already know straight up. As a bonus, they have absolutely no problem putting you on game so that you won't have to tweet out something similar to what sis did.
And with that hopefully lil' pearl of wisdom out of the way, here are 10 other promises to hopefully help you to date effectively rather than regrettably in the year of our Lord.
1. “I will be clear on what I am dating for at this point in my life.”
Not everyone dates for the same reasons and honestly, no one should be penalized for that. If you want to date next year in order to find your husband, that's cool, but a guy is not automatically a jerk simply because he'd prefer to casually date (perhaps indefinitely) instead. Typically, the drama comes in when two people are attracted to each other, start hanging out and then, a few months up the road, they realize that they want two totally different things. That's why, it's best for you to know what you want and, on the second or third date with someone to bring that up. That way, you can both know, pretty early on, if you're on the same page with one another—or not.
2. “I will not allow my past experiences to jade my future opportunities.”
I can't tell you how many times I've heard a woman say she hates dating when, what I really think she means that her past dating experiences have been less than stellar. Personally, I think that a well-planned date with someone I'm attracted to is a beautiful thing. But no one can enjoy new dating experiences if they have a such a bitter or jaded perspective that they aren't open to new people and opportunities.
One way to prevent sucky dates from happening quite so often is to have a few thorough conversations with a prospective date on the front end. It's OK to ask what his ideas of a perfect date are and to share some of yours too. If during the planning process, you already see some red flags (like he's dragging his feet on coming up with a clear plan or he mentions you coming to his house or him coming to yours and it's the first, second or third date), either bring them to his attention or cancel.
Just don't manifest a negative self-fulfilling prophecy by focusing so much on your past that you're not even remotely open to what could happen, in the best way possible, in the future. Even if that "future" is with someone else.
3. “I will know what I require upfront.”
Earlier this year, when I penned a piece entitled "5 Things That Are OK To Require On A First Date", some people thought that "requiring" anything was being unrealistic. Clearly, I don't. Let me tell it, a lot of us end up settling for less and it's all because we don't require certain things as much as we should. A requirement is a need. And yes, if you need chivalry (for example), it's OK to require that. Now, can you "make" a man open doors for you or pay on the first date? No. But if chivalry is important to you and he doesn't meet your standards, you can refuse to go on another date. Simple as that.
The reason why it's important to know where you stand at the beginning of a date is because, just as the Good Book says, "charm is deceitful" (Proverbs 31:30). If you don't have a personalized list of requirements in tow, a guy's looks and/or personality could talk you into lowering your standards and, as I tell people often—"You only end up bending over backwards when your bar is too low." When you know what you need and don't waver on that, it will keep you from getting so attached so soon that you start to waver in the very places where you should stand firm.
4. “I will be open to dating outside of my ‘type’.”
When it comes to this particular point, I encourage you to check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'" and "Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?" When it comes to the second article, let me tell you—there were some people out here who were triggered. Automatically, they took that to mean that I was encouraging them to settle when, really, if they actually read beyond the title (or did more than skim it), they'd get that what I was actually saying is if all you go by is someone not totally being your physical type, you could end up missing out on a really good man. My late fiancé was attractive but absolutely not my physical type. My first love was totally my type and about took my uterus out (relatively speaking). I actually just saw him recently; he's still my type and still…not a good fit (to put it mildly).
You know what they say—insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Allow this to be the year when you open yourself to guys who may not be totally your type but are still appealing individuals. A wise man once said, "If you only peep through keyholes, everything is keyhole-shaped." Your type might expand if you date people who are little more outside of your typical…type. I'm just sayin'.
5. “I will also be open to going on dates that are outside of the box.”
Maverick Movies is an independent Black movie channel that sometimes features some cool films. One day, I caught one entitledSure Looks Good. One of the main characters reminded me a lot of Regine from Living Single in the sense that she only dated men with money. Then she met a guy who took her on a picnic; that turned her off. Then she was totally outdone when she found out he also didn't have a car. What she didn't know was he had a pretty good job, but he sold his car in order to invest in his photography business. Hmph. While she was out here dating rich men she wasn't really into, the "broke" guy that she actually liked was building an empire. He actually reminds me of who Joan (from Girlfriends) ended up getting engaged to. Remember how Aaron rode the bus, lived in a tiny ass apartment, and also didn't do a lot of initial wining and dining because he was trying to save up to buy a house?
I'm not trying to convince you to date a man who wants to only eat ice cream on a metro bus. But what I am saying is if a guy wants to do something that is a little different from what you are used to and his approach to life isn't quite what you'd expect—so long as you dig him and he treats you right, don't be so quick to shut the door. Some of the best things happen when we don't have such a tight grip on how they are "supposed" to go. I'll also say that some of my best dates have consisted of doing things that I never really thought I would do—or even like to do.
6. “I will not talk myself out of the red flags that I see.”
If you don't adhere to any of these other dating-related recommendations, please hold on to this one. Instead of seeing red (stop) flags as yellow (caution) ones, take them for the color that they are and MOVE. ON. And what are some of the dating red flags that you shouldn't ignore? A man who has a temper. A man who is too prideful to admit that he's wrong or to apologize when he is. A man who has a serious bout of commitment phobia. A man who has no problem with you being his wife without him being your husband (see "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife"). A man who sits back and lets you do all of the work to make things work. A man who doesn't make you feel emotionally safe. A man who is selfish. A man who is a narcissist. A man who knows your triggers—and constantly pushes them. A man who is great in bed but nowhere else.
Red flags exist so that we can see them and pump our brakes, not see them and talk ourselves into turning guys into our own personal projects. No one is perfect; that is so true. But if you happen to see any of the flags that I just mentioned, don't use that as a justification to stick around longer than you should.
When it comes to the red flags I shared, guys are better off working on those alone than us staying with them and enabling their weaknesses. If you choose to stay anyway, don't say you weren't warned. Again, red means "stop", not "pause". Always remember that.
7. “I will actually listen to what he says.”
Have mercy. I know a lot of people who think they are good listeners when they actually totally suck at it. How can you know if you are one of those people? You don't listen to what it being said; you only focus on what you want to hear. You take over conversations. You interrupt people while they are speaking. You don't pause to process what was said before responding (or reacting). You make everything about you, even when it's not. Ugh. There really is no telling how many relationships could be saved if both people listened better.
Make it a point to be a better listener while on your dates. This means doing the opposite of what I just shared. It also means that if a guy says, "I'm not interested in anything serious", you don't translate that into, "If he spends more time with me, I can change his mind." Listening is about hearing and accepting what is being said; not hearing and then finding a way to "edit" it to suit your purposes.
8. “I will not rely on dating to make me feel good about myself.”
This one is a biggie. Some women have told me that they hate dating because, whether it's the guy or the kind of dating experiences that they end up having, the end result is they always end up questioning their value or self-worth. First, let me say this—a guy who is a simp date or who totally lacks creativity and forethought is not a reflection on you; that is all on him. Second, if you are going on a date to seek confirmation of your worthiness, that is the absolute wrong reason to be doing it in the first place.
Anyone who has the privilege of spending time with you, they should feel honored. You are a prize. A prize. And third, looking for dates to make you feel good about yourself is giving them way too much power. Dating is about getting to know someone better. If things work out, awesome. If they don't, he wasn't your right fit and discovering that is a good thing.
The key to keep dating from totally damaging your self-esteem is to always keep in mind why you're doing what you're doing. What I mean by that is, don't date because some guy wants you to. Don't date because all of your friends are doing it. Don't date because you hate being alone. Date because it's an experience you want to have with someone, knowing that no matter how it turns out, you're going be OK. Better than that even. Why? Because—say it with me this time—you are the prize. Hmph. Ole' boy should be so lucky.
9. “I will embrace each date as a learning experience, whether it’s good or bad.”
I'm a quotes girl and one of my favorites is "You're either a blessing or a lesson." So true, so true. Another reason why some women swear off dating is because they refuse to look at dating from this perspective. No one wants to go on a date with their hopes up, only to come home feeling like someone was a complete waste of their time. But if you choose to have a more positive and purposeful outlook, even the bad dates can teach you something; especially something about yourself.
And what if you've gone on so many bad dates at this point that you've totally lost count? Well, you know what they say—everywhere you go, there you are. What are the common threads on the front end that you could stand to switch up on? I'm telling you, if you see dates as experiences rather than potential fairy tale endings, all of them can work for you in the long run—whether the date was "good" or…not.
10. “I will maintain the balance of high standards, a gracious spirit and living in the moment.”
One more. The funny thing about dating is, nothing reminds you more, just how human nature works. What I mean by that is, whenever you go out on a date with someone, the point is always driven home that the only person you can ever control is you. Yet a lot of us return home totally pissed, put off or outdone, not because of our actions but the actions of someone else. That's why, I wanted to end this dating piece by encouraging you to remember to keep your standards high (not unrealistic but high), to have a gracious spirit (rather than a rude or entitled one), and to not be so focused on trying to turn a first date into a potential future marriage proposal; instead, live in the moment.
Relax. Have a good time. Use each date to get you closer to understanding what you want and what you don't want. Allow this to be the year when you cultivate how to make dating work in your favor. Because, you know what? If you keep these 10 promises to yourself, you can do exactly that. Then…who knows what 2021 will have in store. Ya feel me? Something tells me that you do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Dear Men, I'm Good On The "WYD" Texts
The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have
Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships
7 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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